Just so we're clear

Big broke up with me...and I dated a few guys right away. Too soon, it turned out, and I did a love cleanse to get some perspective. Then I took nearly a year to focus on myself - took care of some personal goals, got a new career started, reconnected with friends, and nurtured some new relationships. Sometimes I casually dated, but there was nothing serious.

Then I met Trooper...and I really believed that was a good thing. My mistake.

I did another thirty day cleanse. I started some new volunteer opportunities, which I love, and have become a big part of my life. Then met someone. We dated. I could have stuck with it, but I ultimately decided that being alone for the right reasons was better than being with someone for the wrong reasons. So I walked away from what was, in many ways, a good relationship, because I decided I wanted more for myself. 

I met a couple of other guys. Decided if it didn't work, I was going to take another break. I took a short break, then I went on a few dates. Now, I'm on a pseudo-break.

I'm by no means perfect. I know I make a lot of mistakes, and my choices are sometimes questionable at best. 

But I am not a complete failure, either. I have grown, and changed, and learned an awful lot since that first heart break 2+ years ago. I am a better person - and I know myself a lot better. 

Sure, I've gone on dates because I was bored. I have gone on dates simply to find fodder for this blog. But occasionally, I go on dates because somehow, I've come across a man who seems interesting, and I want to give him a chance. 

At a party not too long ago, a friend said his advice to a single friend was that maybe she needed to accept that she may never find anyone. He hypothesized that coming to terms with that reality, and being genuinely OK with her single life, would be the catalyst to finding true love.

Which makes sense, if you think about it. I mean, leave it to a guy to show up just as you've accepted that you don't really need him, and screw up everything. 

Just so we're clear - I like being single. I enjoy my life. I am not willing to settle just so I can say I'm in a relationship. I know my life is good just the way it is. 

I waiver between accepting that I won't find a relationship, and hoping that I just might. It's a tough balance, and from the outside looking in, it might not seem I have it under control.

But I do.

I used to hope for a relationship - when I went out with anyone who asked, and my only criteria was that he be willing to stick around. Then I hoped for that relationship - when I had a specific list of criteria, and rejected anyone who wasn't exactly perfect.

Now I hope for the relationship - the one that will show me why it never worked out with the rest.

It's a tough balance between hoping for something special, and being content with what I already have. It's like self-esteem - a tough balance between being proud of who you are, while still striving to improve. 

Just so we're clear...I'll never be perfect. I'll just always be me.