During a twitter chat, The Single Woman suggested that it is good to have standards, as long as they're not shallow. I totally agree - but I think it's important to define shallow.
I guess some people consider it shallow when others are concerned with looks. While I agree that judging people only on their appearance, I don't think it's shallow to look for physical attraction in a romantic relationship. That seems reasonable and very fair, even if it seems shallow at first.
Physical attraction is important. It's not shallow to prefer thin women or blonde men anymore than it is to prefer black men or red heads. It's just a preference. I think the same can be said for someone having a preference for certain personality traits, or lifestyle choices. Wanting to date someone of a certain religion or political affiliation doesn't make you shallow. Again - it's a preference.
I've been called shallow because I want to date a guy with a job and a car, who doesn't live with his mom.
My concern is that the two of us be in a similar place in life. I sort of have my act together (mostly), and I'm looking for someone in a similar situation. That's my preference. It's based on experience, and learning what works and what doesn't (for me). I don't think that's shallow at all.
Obviously, in a long-term relationship, you're bound to encounter rough times. That might mean figuring out financial problems, or health changes, or even accepting a person as she ages and her looks change. Whatever the challenge, I'm all for working through it together, and supporting one another. I just don't happen to think that's where a relationship should begin.
I think that makes me reasonable - not shallow.
Your post is so completely reasonable to me that I almost felt like no comment was necessary. But if someone called you shallow, well then I guess it's not so obvious to everyone...
ReplyDeleteIf all you cared about was looks and money, then I'd agree you were shallow. But that's because I think people should be MORE selective about who they date - age, values, lifestyle preferences, and personality fit should also be considered. It would be a huge waste of everyone's time if you didn't have at least basic criteria based on past dating experience of what works and what won't.
I think having a job, car, and his own place are valid criteria for picking a mate. It speaks to his ambition, his ability to get his stuff together, and his independence. And being in a similar place financially makes things easier. It means you both can afford the same types of leisure activities, and neither person has to really stretch their budget or limit their choices to fit the other.
Of course there *could* be that one in a million guy who happened to be temporarily unemployed and had to stay with his mom for a few weeks, but he was completely right for you in every other way. And *maybe* after you passed him over he really did get back on his feet and you missed a great opportunity. MAYBE. In a perfect world, you'd give every guy a chance, because you never know. But realistically, no one has time for that, and any sane, rational person would look for the traits that are most likely to result in a long-term relationship.