Seems Sad

I told you Big sent me an email to tell me he found the blog. But I never did tell you what he said, did I? Curious?

To his credit, he didn't seem angry. In fact, all he said was that, having read the blog, it seems to him we had different perspectives of our relationship. He said, again, that he's sorry for hurting me and for having been inconsistent. He was polite and friendly.

Still, I gotta be honest; when I first read the email - I was mad as hell pissed off a bit upset. This is probably the third time Big has apologized. The thing is - I think he's apologizing for breaking up with me. Which is silly. No one should apologize for how they feel - it's like apologizing for the truth, which makes no sense.

Big doesn't seem to understand what he did that hurt me. It wasn't the break-up - it was leading me on; setting me up, knowing the whole time that this thing between us really wasn't going anywhere. Maybe he didn't intend to hurt me - but he also didn't intend to look out for my feelings. I feel like I was a good friend to him, and I deserved better than having my feelings ignored for his convenience.

He intimated that he told me I wasn't pretty in order to just end things, and not have to discuss it further. If so - does that mean that also wasn't the truth? If that's the case, then Big has yet to be honest with me - about anything. Which I find ironic, given that he believes himself to be a very honest, forthright person.

After reading the email a couple hundred of times, I started to wonder if maybe Big really had (or has) no idea how much I cared for, or loved him. Maybe he thought I was just being "that girl" because I tried to talk to him after he felt we had closure. I'm not sure.

It seems sad to me for Big to be unaware of how much he really meant to me. I hope that he eventually figures that out; even if it happens through reading this blog. The truth is - he had a huge impact on my life. I appreciated that while it was happening, and I think I appreciate even more now. I hope he knows that; and I also hope he knows that he deserves someone who appreciates him that way.

For Big to not realize that, would be the saddest thing of all.