Secret's Out

I got an email from Big. Seems he found Girl's Got Shine. In the immortal words of my friend, "Oh fuuuck!"

After I picked myself up off the floor of the mall (I read his email on my phone), I decided - given this new turn of events - now would be an excellent time to point out a couple of things out about this blog.

I'm not ashamed of my feelings, I'm painfully aware of my flaws, and (aside from adjusting - not changing - some revealing details) I've been 100% honest in this blog. I'm not anonymous to protect myself. It's strictly out of respect for Big.

The point of this blog isn't to bad-mouth Big (or anyone else). I tell the truth, as I know it, in an effort to sort through my feelings, help me see more than just my side of things, and (hopefully) get some insight from people who I trust and respect. Whatever conclusions people draw about Big, me, or anyone else are their own.

I have learned that breakups happen because perspectives change. In a successful relationship, people are on the same page; when they disagree, they constructively share their point of view, and either come to an agreement, or agree to disagree. Hopefully, the disagreement isn't big enough to end the relationship.

When it is, a side effect is that you relinquish the right to share your perspective, and to learn that of the other person. You don't have to agree on why something happened, or who was right and who was wrong. The decision to end things (whether it's mutual or not) is an agreement that you aren't going to agree on what caused the end. You've agreed to disagree.

I'm sure when Big read the posts, he recognized the facts (the whats, whens and wheres). I'm also sure his perspective on those same events was much different than mine. He probably thought he was being a nice guy by making me comfortable in his apartment; being polite, a good friend. Maybe he didn't think it meant anything to suggest I join him when he stopped at his parents' house. Maybe he didn't realize that I never wanted to roller blade with him; that I only invested the time, money and risk because he asked, and I assumed that meant it was what he wanted.

The truth is, I'm really not sure what Big thinks. He's told me, but he's never been consistent. First he liked me; then he wasn't sure. Then he wanted to spend time with me - but not a lot. Then he wanted more time; then he wanted me comfortable in his life (and offered the keys and hair products to prove it). Then he preferred time to himself. He acted as though he found me attractive - then said he never did. He said he liked spending time with me; then he moved right on to the next person within a week, like he never even knew me.

I think maybe Big was never sure what he wanted. There's nothing wrong with that; part of life is figuring that out. The problem is - I did know. I figured out what I wanted before I dated Big, and before I let anything come of what was between us.

I guess we were on different pages from the very beginning.