Deja vu - all over again

After Crush, I did that thing where you just go looking to meet a guy - any guy. Since I'm about as far from being a bar rat as one can possibly be, I stuck with what I know: dating websites. I started trolling profiles and sending out "Hi, how are you?" type emails.

Suddenly, it occurred to me...I've been here before. This is where I was right before I met Big. In fact, sending out hundreds dozens bunches of emails was how I met Big. Now, a year and a half later, here I am, doing the same thing. Again.

But is it really the same? When I met Big, I was bummed. I'd just gotten rejected by my "transitional guy" following my divorce. I was filled with emotion, not just from that relationship - but also from my marriage. I was still in that place where I felt like I needed a boyfriend; I was still making excuses and not dealing with life.

That's all changed. This time, I am not only dealing with life - I'm living it. I'm making changes, making friends, and having fun. I have plans and goals and I'm happy - without a guy. Sure, I'd love to meet someone - but I'm looking for someone who fits my life, not someone to fit my life around.

So maybe I'm not just spinning my wheels. Maybe the trick is to embrace experiences for what they are, rather than trying to turn them into something else, and feeling disappointed when they don't measure up.

"Things do not change; we change." Henry David Thoreau