Glass houses and stones

I have made a crap-ton of mistakes in my life. I could write a book (or a blog - Ha!). I am, in many ways, a shining example of all the things not to do when it comes to relationships. I'm pretty good at giving people advice on their situations, but when it comes to my own life, I guess my personal investment clouds my judgment.

This isn't news to me, and it shouldn't be news to anyone who knows me. I make no bones about the fact that I don't always make what most would consider smart choices. I put myself out there too much; I'm often too nice; I don't always stand up for myself when I should; and I forgive way, way too easily. I also get down on myself entirely too much, though I'm working on that.

I know my friends don't want to see me hurt again. Especially those friends who watched me go dragged me through the breakup with Trooper. I was a mess, and I know I wouldn't want to see that happen to anyone I love. I imagine they feel the same.

So when I do something that seems out of character, or maybe not the safest or best choice, they naturally question why. I get that, and I love them all for it.

But it still hurts to have someone who you admire and respect look at you as though what you did was completely stupid. It stings, just a little, when someone suggests maybe your choices aren't the best, even after you try to explain why you did what you did, and how you feel.

Source

I think maybe it's partly because I get a little defensive anytime I feel like I have to explain myself to anyone. I'm an adult. I'm independent and self-sufficient. I take care of myself. I'm not a risk-taker at all, so you can believe that anything I do has been thoroughly thought out, and necessary precautions have been taken. I guess I feel like that's stuff those who know me the best should already...well, know.

The thing is, I don't necessarily volunteer all information. For someone who blogs her whole life and will answer any question without reservation - I don't give it up that quickly on my own. I also think things through quickly. So, on Monday morning I might be all down in the dumps and worried about something. By that afternoon, I may have found some much-needed perspective, and feel 100% better. So, when people make a snap judgment about how foolish or careless my choices are, they're often doing so without all the information. At that point, if I try to explain what I was thinking/feeling - it sounds like I'm making excuses.

I'm very, very aware that I make mistakes. I over-analyze, worry when I shouldn't, and avoid problems when I should deal with them head-on. Sometimes I invest too quickly; other times, I keep my guard up and don't invest quickly enough. I pretend to care less than I do, or sometimes I seem to come on too strong.

I'm not perfect; but that's me. What I do is out of love and compassion and a sincere desire to find a good, honest, healthy relationship with someone who makes me as happy as I make him. I firmly believe that the right person will recognize and appreciate those intentions.

But if I hide what I really want, it's going to be awfully hard for him to find out. So in the meantime, I have to be myself - faults, mistakes, bad choices, and all.

I'm careful and I (OK, mostly) know what I'm doing. Even if something doesn't turn out the way I want, I wouldn't call it a mistake; I'd call it a choice, and one that I made knowing full well what the consequences might be. I know myself well enough to know what I can handle, and I don't do anything that will push me past my limits.

I'm going to get hurt. I'm going to cry. I'm going to be disappointed and angry. I know it's coming; the only way to avoid it is to close myself off and not let anyone in. If I want a relationship, that's not an option. I'm at a point where I know I can handle the little bit of pain I may have to suffer in order to get what I want.

The one thing I can't handle is harsh words or looks from people who I know have made just as many mistakes as I have, yet somehow feel they are better than me, simply because they're in a different place now.

I'll continue to write about my mistakes honestly and freely here. But at least for now, this glass house is officially closed off to visitors.