Work at it

Baking Suit sent me a link to this post, which I think is genius. The tell-it-like-it-is style and attitude is perfect, and the advice is sound, and fair, without being preachy at all. It all made me think...but I especially liked:

"Dumping the bastard doesn't solve everything"

In other words - don't give up on something just because it isn't perfect. Relationships are about give and take - and sometimes, it takes a little work to make all the parts fit.

I agree with that - and think I'm probably guilty of doing that very thing. If something doesn't feel right, I do tend to just walk away. I convince myself that I'm compromising too much, or I tell myself that if it was meant to be, it would "just fit" - so this must not be meant to be.

The truth is, I think you do have to trust your gut (another point made in the post), and sometimes my gut truly does tell me to cut my losses. Other times, it really is just a lack of patience - or a refusal to compromise even the slightest.

I do believe that when it's right - it's right. There might still need to be compromises, but I think when you find the right person, the compromises feel OK. So does the effort it takes to make the relationship work.

That's not usually my situation. More often than not, I feel like I'm either doing all the compromising - or I'm compromising on things when I feel I shouldn't. I leave conversations feeling bad about myself, regretting my choices, and wishing things were different.

I used to believe that was how relationships worked - someone has to be on the losing end, and I accepted that role all too often. I recognize now that's not the definition of compromise.

"It's not compromise if you're the only one compromising. That's what we call 'giving into someone's demands via relationship speak.' Or manipulation for short.

So I'm learning that I don't want to compromise - at least not all the time. I'm learning when a compromise feels OK to me, and when it just feels like I'm giving too much, without enough in return. This may seem like common sense, or something that I should have learned long ago, but for a life-long people-pleaser, trust me - it's a big deal.

I know I haven't yet gotten it completely right. I think I'm still giving in sometimes when I shouldn't, and not giving in on some things when I should. I like to think that this is all teaching me what I want - and how to get it.

I'm also quite hopeful that all my mistakes will teach me how to recognize what I want when I (finally) see it.