Fit the formula?

I found this article (Noooo, I wasn't visiting the site - somebody tweeted it!) and it got me thinking about the whole process of meeting people.

We spend so much time trying to fit in, don't we? It starts when we're little kids; we're taught to go along with the pack, follow the rules, and not to make waves. By the time anyone tries to teach us to be unique - we're already one of the sheep.

It's the same with dating. Don't be too heavy or too thin, too smart or too dumb, too tall or too rich - you have to be just right. If you're not - try to hide your flaws. There are dozens (hundreds?) of sites where you can get advice on how to put your profile together so that it fits a formula.

But how does a formula help showcase you? Yeah, you'll get emails, and winks and high ratings and whatever else the sites can come up with to feed our egos. But you won't get quality connections, because no one is really seeing you.

Here's my interpretation of the article (keeping in mind it's all about the male opinion of female profiles):

Woman (A) might be a "7" across the board, but get few emails because she doesn't stand out

Woman (B) might be a "7" because some guys think she's a 10, and others only think she's a 3 or a 4; but the guys who think she's a 10 send her emails

So, B (a 3 by some standards) is getting approached more often than A, who is always a 7.

Why? There's something about B that some guys don't find appealing at all  - and other guys absolutely love. Maybe she has a tattoo; maybe she's overweight; maybe she wears glasses. Who knows? The point is, whatever makes her stand out is evident enough in her profile that the guys looking for that quality are contacting her. 

Maybe A has that same quality (or something similar). So why no emails? Because she's hidden it from her profile. In an effort to "fit the formula" she's taken steps to hide her most unique features. She fits the formula - but what good does it do, when she's just like all the other 7's? She's just a number - no connections. The emails she does get are not quality, because there's nothing in her profile that tells her suitors what she's really about.

The moral (of my story, anyway)? I'd better figure out who I am, and what makes me great - so that I can properly showcase it to would-be dates. Otherwise, I'm gonna keep getting a whole lot of cooties. 

Progress report

It's been about two weeks since I started this love cleanse project. Truth be told, I could see this going on for much longer than thirty days - but that's the "official" amount of time. So with two more weeks to go, I feel...

Good. I really do. It's nice to look forward to my weekends and not stress at all about whether or not so-and-so will ask me out, and if he does, what will I wear, or will our schedules fit, etc. It's also nice to know I can just make plans with friends, or for myself, without worrying about anyone else's schedule or feelings, or worrying that I'll make him angry or alienate him if I'm not available (a big problem I always had when dating).

For anyone worried that I'd be sitting around moping - not so. I spent a weekend with family, have had three meetups (two dinner, one bowling), gone to dinner and movies with friends twice, hosted a home party, shoveled my driveway countless times, and hung wallpaper border in my bathroom. I also cleaned my house from top to bottom, wrote a ton of posts for various blogs, caught up at work and I've been to the gym a few times.

In addition to that, I made a major change - I started going to bed earlier. Not only that, but before I go to bed each night, I spend some quality time with my e-reader - no social networking allowed. This is a major step for me - but sleep is healthy and something I wasn't getting nearly enough of when I was dating. Not only that, but going to sleep earlier helps me get up earlier, which allows me more gym time - which is a good thing.

All in all - I have to say, I'm kind of liking my life. I feel a little silly that I'm not looking for love - almost wondering if those who don't look for it really deserve to find it? But I keep seeing little reminders every where that love isn't really something we find - it's something that finds us.

If that's the case, I guess I'll just keep doing my thing.

Without your consent

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Dr. Maya Angelou

I'm learning a lot about myself while doing this love cleanse. One thing that is really upsetting to me, that I think I knew but never faced, is how much of my own self-worth I let other people decide.

I think we all do it, to a certain extent. I see it a lot, especially in my girlfriends, and especially in those that have been in unhealthy relationships. It's almost as if, after having our self-esteem attacked by one person, we go looking for someone else to build it up.

I spend a lot of time thinking I'm not good enough. I worry that because I'm not the prettiest, or the thinnest or the youngest, that I won't ever find anyone. That maybe my time has passed, and it's too late for me to find love.

Then I realize, I only feel that way because Big and 28YO didn't want me - they decided I wasn't good enough. Well, wait a minute - who gave them that right?!

The only answer? Me. I give them that right every time I let myself get sucked back into that way of thinking. So that needs to stop. Now.

I need to stop looking to them, or anyone else, to find what I like and don't like about me. I have to learn to like me for me. I'm the only one who can decide what's good enough for me - what I like and what I don't, what I need to change, and what I can do better.

I'm done giving others that right.

Lucky Cancer?

Astrology has been all the rage lately, what with the new sign, and all. When the dust settled, it seems we're all the same astrological sign, after all. Phew. Now that it's been established I am, in fact, still a Cancer - I can check out my love horoscope for 2011.

I found this one at The Frisky - and while I like what it says, I can already tell you the "Getting Lucky Calendar" is way off - at least, so far.

The Shine from Yahoo tells me...not a lot. I'm learning lessons, and it seems that things will become even more permanent later on in 2011. Permanent how? It's not really clear.

Ask Oracle also seems to think I'll be learning some lessons, and will have turned a corner by the end of the year.

I guess, if I was going to draw any conclusions from these - it's that even astrology thinks this is the year for me to figure things out, get back to what's important for me - and let love show up when it's time. The good news? If things keep going the way they've been, and if these horoscopes are any indication - it sounds like I'll be ready if it shows up.

Overlook the obvious

I have my core group of friends who I turn to immediately when something happens. But, there are other people who are interested, who help me through rough times, and with whom I can talk.

[Truth be told - if everyone texted, they'd all know at the same time. But I have friends/family who resist technology - so they're the last to know.]

One of my family who didn't hear right away called me when her sister filled her in. Her first question? Are you okay? Then - "What about that other guy you were seeing....?"

Really? Because I need a guy in my life - even if it's one I didn't really like all that much? I didn't just stop seeing The Gamer because of 28YO - I stopped seeing him because I didn't want to see him anymore. That doesn't change just because it didn't work out with someone else.

"Well I just thought...you know, someone to go out with...."

I have friends that can fill that role, thank-you-very-much. Or - here's a crazy thought - I could do stuff on my own. I'm actually pretty good at that; it's comfortable - enjoyable, even.

Why do otherwise perfectly happy, confident, smart women feel like we're incomplete if we don't have a guy? If there's not a date on our calendar, or a kiss in the near future - we freak out. We panic, and scramble to fill those spots - with anyone.

I think that attitude is what gets us into these situations in the first place. We are so determined to find love, that we overlook things that we shouldn't, just to keep candidates in the hot-seat. With Big, I overlooked the fact that I was often afraid to speak up where he, and the two of us, were concerned. With 28YO, it was the fact that we were often in two different places in our life, and there were things he didn't like doing that I really wanted to be able to share with someone.

I'm not saying I was settling. I really liked both of these guys - I'd say I loved Big - and the stuff I "overlooked" wasn't a deal-breaker. Especially with Big - it was me trying to compromise, and put his needs ahead of my own. Something you do when you're in love.

I can sit here and what-if myself to death - the truth is, I'll never know if I should have overlooked those things, or if that was a mistake on my part. But what I do know is I did overlook them - and now I'm unhappy. It's a really good chance to take a look at myself, and what I might need to do differently in a future relationship (should one present itself).

Happy Tears

There is a handful of people who know me in real life, who know who Big, and even 28YO, are, and know why I started this blog. Some actually read the blog - others just know me and know there's a blog out there.

A few of them really "get" why I blog about the whole thing. Others just think I write it for revenge, or to be mean, or whatever. That's never been the case. I knew there would be a lesson, and for me, writing is the easiest way to learn. Yes, I could have journaled privately - but that wouldn't have gotten reactions or feedback from objective readers.

It also occurred to me that maybe - just maybe - the blog might be helpful to someone else. That another woman, in a similar situation, would stumble upon this blog, read my story - and find some comfort in knowing that she wasn't the only one, that she wasn't stupid and that she wasn't crazy. Silly, right?

So, last week I posted about my love cleanse. I didn't invent the idea, so to give credit where it's due, I linked to the original post where I found the idea, and in my tweet, I mentioned the person who wrote the post. Usually, that'll get a "thanks" on twitter. In this case - it got me a follow back. From The Single Woman - someone who should be every single gal's idol, in my opinion. I was incredibly excited - as my friend can tell you.

If you know anything about twitter, you know it's a great way for people to find others with similar interests, concerns, situations, etc. I got a few follows after The Single Woman found me - and one came from a woman who was going through something similar. And she wrote me the nicest email.

She told me a bit of her own story, which I won't share with you here. There were definitely some similarities between her experience and mine. At the end of her email she said: Thank you. Thank you for sharing.

I should mention that this email came on what was a terrible day for me. But when I opened it, and saw that someone had found my blog, and it was helpful to her - so much so that she took the time to email me and say thank you - I burst into some of the happiest tears I've ever cried.

People can think, or say, whatever they want about me, or this blog. The thought that, even for just a second, this blog made someone's life just a little bit better is exactly the reason I keep it going.

So thank you.

Hallelujah

IT'S RAINING MEN!!

No umbrellas needed - just a sense of humor, fun and charity. And maybe a cute new outfit. 

A couple of friends of mine are helping to plan the First Ever Bachelor Auction, a fundraiser for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. A worthy cause, right? 

What do bachelor's have to do? Show up. Sell themselves. And provide a date package valued at $40 (or more, guys) to be included with the bid. 

What do the ladies have to do? Buy a ticket. Show up. Shop. Hellooooo? 

What will everyone be doing? Laughing, drinking, having fun and supporting a worthy cause. 

Click here for more information, including event details, ticket purchases and charity information. Guys - are you interested in applying to be a bachelor? Click here for a link to the application. 

The best part? Well, it's my friend's birthday...and my love cleanse will be long over. I've started saving my nickels and dimes already. (Kidding. Sort of.)