What I need to remember

I've been battling some insecurities this week. I'm feeling pretty inadequate, and I have found myself looking for problems. Honestly, I think it has more to do with work stuff, and I'm letting it spill over into my relationship. I have found myself looking to be unhappy, or for reasons to be disappointed or annoyed with Toyfriend.

It wasn't hard to find: He spent most of his Saturday with other friends (both women) - one hiking, one out for her birthday.

I was bummed. We usually spend Saturdays together. I felt a little left out, and honestly a little inadequate that his one friend can handle a hike like they did, and I can't. But I also know that staying connected to his friends is important to Toyfriend, and it was out of his control that the chance to spend time with these friends fell on the same day.

I also realized something else. Part of the reason Toyfriend wanted to get together with the one lady is he really wants to be a good friend. He wants to be there, particularly for those who he knows don't have anyone else.

The truth is, I like that about Toyfriend. I like that he cares about other people and is willing to put himself out. I also like that he knows himself well enough to know that he doesn't want to turn his back on his friends. If I stand in the way or try to change that, I risk changing something about him that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Which seems counterproductive to the whole happy, healthy relationship thing.

But I was so convinced I should be insulted, I found myself feeling frustrated. Was something wrong with me, that I wasn't upset? Am I just accepting too much because I want to keep him around?

Then I noticed that he felt as bad - if not worse - about missing out on our time together. It meant a lot to him that I understand why he wants to be a good friend, that these women are just friends, and that I was able to talk with him about things that were bothering me. He was happy that I spent what time I could with him over the weekend. He made an effort to spend as much time as he could with me, too.

It was then that I remembered some of the things I've written about Toyfriend that I need to keep in mind.

"I'm also really very lucky to be in this with someone who takes the time to understand where I am coming from, and who will meet me halfway."

Toyfriend is a good guy. He's honest, trustworthy, and he loves me (he's also handsome, nice, smart, funny, and super-fun, but that's a different post). He happens to have female friends because he relates well to women. But he recognizes it can be an issue, and he's open and honest with me, which helps put me at ease and reminds me that I don't need to worry.

That's what I need to remember most.

For those wondering, he does have male friends and does spend time with them. I write about the female friends because I'm talking about my own anxiety and insecurity, and the female friends affect that more.

The just friends line

Can men and women be friends? Harry Burns says no. He says eventually, one (or both) of them will become attracted to the other, and sex will ruin the friendship.

I believe something a little different. I think men and women can be friends... if the sex issue has been resolved. How so? Either they've already been there, done that, and know it won't work - or they mutually friend-zoned each other from the very beginning.

There's a fine line that separates a truly platonic friendship from a budding relationship. That line is different for everyone, and it changes depending on the friends' own relationship status. For example, as a single woman I might have invited a guy friend to be my platonic date at a wedding - but only if he was also single. The way I see it, even if I know that we are just friends, it is disrespectful to the woman in his life to invite him on what seems like a date - whether it is or not.

I suppose I feel strongly about this because of what I went through at the end of my marriage. An emotional affair contributed to our problems, and I would never want to risk doing the same to someone else.

If I'm with a guy, I'm also overly sensitive about women who want to be his friend. I think there's a difference between a woman who genuinely wants to nurture a platonic friendship, and a woman who has more in mind. I think it's pretty easy to tell one from the other - especially for me. This is one time when I would never ignore my gut - it knows best.

Sorting through this baggage has been tough, since Toyfriend is a guy who has mostly female friends. Of course I trust him, but it is tough to explain that I still do not trust some women. It's also tough to explain how something that seems like a trust issue isn't all about trust. Sometimes it's about feeling left out, or insecure.

One thing I have learned since my divorce, and through several failed relationship attempts, is that it's important to communicate those feelings clearly and fairly, without blame or accusations or jumping to conclusions.

The truth is, being open and honest seems to eliminate (or at least mitigate) most problems that come up in a relationship. I have found that, with the right guy, I am better able to navigate this issue.

Toyfriend is a wonderful, honest, trustworthy guy who is a good friend - and his friends happen to be women. In 99% of those cases, there's no issue, and I just need to work through my own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. In the other 1%, I share my feelings and trust Toyfriend to make my feelings a priority.

I know some people think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. I suppose I "put up" with stuff that many wouldn't. It isn't easy; I struggle with insecurity and worry, and of course I'm scared someone will come along he likes better. But at the end of the day, I remember that can happen any time, any place. If it's meant to work out, it will. If he's meant to meet someone else, he will - no matter what I do.

Surprisingly, there is a ton of comfort in realizing I have absolutely no control. In realizing that, if I'm with the right person, that fine line almost doesn't need to exist.

Everyone has baggage

I hate to talk about my own baggage... I prefer you all think I'm wonderful and perfect. But who are we kidding? I also hate to share anything that might make Toyfriend seem like anything other than the kind, wonderful, thoughtful man that he is. So please keep that in mind.

It turns out relationships require more work of me than I expected. I didn't think I would have such a tough time with insecurities and baggage. I know I am strong, and I like to think can handle a lot. For someone I love, I can handle just about anything. I never expected to find baggage that put me to the test.

I also had no idea that my own baggage was so freaking heavy. I don't have the sort of personal baggage that most people think of when they hear the term (kids, ex, finances, work). But I have a crap-ton of emotional baggage. Some I thought I'd checked, and some I wasn't even aware I'd ever picked up.

I know I have a fear of loss, and of being left. A counselor would say I have "abandonment issues" because my mother left me as a kid. Like, literally she was there one day and gone the next.

Since I was a little kid I have worried that anyone who was not right in my line of sight might be gone in a second. Irrational? Yes, but there it is. I am aware it's an issue, and while I can't totally shake the feeling, I am able to talk myself away from the edge, which is not something I could always do. Let's hear it for therapy!

I also have a big thing about anyone (obviously in this case, a boyfriend) making concessions for me. I know that relationships are about compromise, and I know that compromise is a two-way street. I am aware that I should give some things, and I should be able to ask for (and expect) some things in return.

But I've been called a "problem" and "needy" and "selfish" and told that I "ruined a life" when I've asked others. Now - those guys were being jerks; I know this. I know they were just laying blame to avoid taking responsibility for the way they were treating me. I took the blame and guilt because, well, that's what I knew.

I know better now. I have learned that is neither fair nor healthy. But I also know that just because their tactic was wrong, that doesn't mean their feeling wasn't valid. I probably was being unfair or needy or over-sensitive sometimes.

Now, even though I know I can ask, I still struggle to know if what I am asking is reasonable, or if I am being a little unfair. I find myself doubting whether my feelings should be hurt, or if I really am being over-sensitive.

I also find myself wondering if the doubts in my head are legitimate, or if I'm just dragging my past baggage into a current relationship. Of course I want to look out for myself... but I also don't want to blame Toyfriend for something someone else did to me.

I suppose life would be easier if I'd stuck to my guns and avoided falling for a guy who I knew had baggage. If I had just continued to shut Toyfriend out, and kept looking for a guy with zero complications. None of this would be an issue.

But then I think, how can I really know that for sure? My insecurities are obviously still there. Maybe it would have just taken longer to see them with another person. It might be something else that would bring them up - but they'd still rear their ugly head.

The truth is, I was never going to find that baggage-free guy. So maybe I'm lucky to have found someone who is willing to share his baggage with me, so I'm not left wondering. So I always know where he's coming from, and where I stand.

I'm also really very lucky to be in this with someone who takes the time to understand where I am coming from, and who will meet me halfway.

Baggage is much easier to carry when you work together.

Not quite cool chick

Relationships have a tendency to make me really insecure. I have been working on my insecurities for years (literally). I know I’ve improved, but I also know I have a long way to go. For a while, I thought I had totally overcome my worries and fears, but I have come to find that what I really did was eliminate true relationships from my life. Without the investment I had nothing to lose, and without anything to lose, I had no worries.

Toyfriend comes with a little baggage. It mostly holds the sort of complications you would expect of a guy in his fifties who was married for a long time, has kids, and is now single. But some of the complications have proved to affect our relationship. Let’s just say Toyfriend has some things going on that prevent me him from including me in every part of his life (at least for right now).

By itself, that isn’t a big deal, and certainly not a deal-breaker. I don’t mind solo time. I am used to attending family and social functions alone, and I can continue to do so as often as I need (or want). But it is something that matters more than I expected. It turns out that since I can include Toyfriend in every part of my life (if we choose), it bothers me a little that he can’t do the same. I feel a little left out, and I find I feel a little vulnerable, that something more important will come along and I will lose him.

I’d love to be able to say that nothing bothers me. That I’m the “cool chick” - OK with not hearing from someone for a few days, always wants her own space, and totally OK with a host of female friends, family or work obligations, etc. But the truth is… that’s not me. That was only someone I could pretend to be when I avoided actually caring about another person.

Of course, I’m also not “uncool-crazy-will-yell-at-you chick” who needs everything her way. I guess I’m “not-quite-cool-but-still-willing-to-compromise chick” who tries to understand the real issue so it can be resolved, and is willing to admit things are not all about her. I am that chick who needs communication and consistency and clarity, even if it’s just for my own peace of mind. I am that chick who likes to know she’s loved and needs to feel some security. As long as I have all that, I can become the cool chick, who can manage just about anything.

This is not the first time I have felt this way in a relationship. It is the first time that I was able to identify the problem, process how I was feeling, and discuss it with the other person openly and honestly (and rationally – that’s key). It is the first time – ever – that I have felt my worries and insecurities were something I could share with my partner, and that he would face them with me. For the first time, I feel like I’m in a relationship with someone, rather than holding everything  together all on my own.

I know strong, independent, confident women are not supposed to admit when they are wrong, or scared, or need something. I can tell you from personal experience that it took a lot more courage to admit to Toyfriend when I am scared or worried, than it ever did to just avoid my insecurities altogether.

I am much closer to being the cool chick.

Something missing

Did I mention I created new profiles on two sites (Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid)? I gave in about a month after things ended with Turtle. I felt like I had been hiding; like I needed to put myself back out there, and let people in. I still believe the right guy comes along at the right time - this is just my way of giving him a door to walk through.

It has gone about as well as one might expect. I've gotten emails from men who are married...an email from a woman who clearly did not know how to use the search feature....emails from boys half my age who just want to hook up....and emails from an army of men who don't speak English (or any other language) very well. I even got a message from a guy who lied about his first name, and couldn't understand why that was an issue.

In a way, it's annoying that online dating hasn't changed. In another way, it's comforting that you can still count on some things to be consistent - even if the consistency is found in its flaws.

But while the online dating world hasn't changed, something else has: Me. My attitude is different. I talk with fewer people. I forgive and overlook far less. I have (slightly) higher standards. I question more. I am more selective.

The truth is, I don't think the online thing was ever the problem. I think the problem was my attitude. My need to push, to force, to compare myself and my situation to others. My need to accommodate and please, even to my own detriment, because I believed I did not deserve better.

I think this time around, online dating will work better. Actually, dating in general will work better. Not necessarily because I'll find more people who like me - but because I finally like me.

That's what was missing all along.

What I need

What seems like centuries ago, Turtle asked if we could continue hanging out, but remain casual. He wanted us to continue "enjoying each other's company" and get to know each other. At the time, it sounded to me a lot like "let's see where it goes" which, in my experience, never goes anywhere good.

I remember thinking it would never work. I'd never have the confidence to "date" without knowing where it was going. I didn't think I could handle knowing he was doing stuff with friends, without feeling left out and worried. I have never been good at the "day to day" thing.

I had all but decided to just forget the whole thing and move on. I owed him nothing, and the truth was, the relationship he was suggesting was not going to meet my needs. A part of me wanted to say, I know what I want, and if you can't offer it, I'm done.

After all, that's what we say when we stop seeing someone, right? This doesn't work for me, so I'm done. At that point I had known Turtle for less than three months. We had no commitment, and were only just starting to form a friendship. I owed him nothing and could have moved on with barely a conversation.

I was pretty proud of myself. I thought it took a tremendous amount of courage and confidence to just walk away from someone because he didn't live up to my standards.

Then I realized...that's not courage. Not in this case. I was actually being a little cowardly. I was ready to walk away because I couldn't have what I wanted - constant reassurance.

My problem wasn't that the relationship didn't meet my needs. My problem was that no relationship could. I had established needs that are unreasonable, and unhealthy, not to mention not realistic at all.

I have always looked for that sort of ego boost. We could probably blame abandonment issues, or being picked on as a kid. The truth is, this issue has been a problem all my life. It was a problem in my marriage, and I think it has probably been an obstacle, one way or another, in most relationships.

I decided that, while I want to feel confident in my relationship, I do not want my confidence to come from my relationship. I want to feel good about myself, and happy in my life, regardless of what Turtle (or any man in that place) thinks of, or wants with, me. I want to be able to not hear from him for a day (or two), know he's out with friends (including women), and still feel confident in where I stand. I want it to not matter where we're going, and instead focus on how I like things in the moment. I realized that all relationships, to an extent, are day by day, and if I ever want to be happy in a relationship, I needed to get with the program.

I decided it was time to get past my abandonment hangups, and my need to always be included, and wanting to control how the relationship works. I decided it was time I learned how to feel secure without constant reassurance. I decided it was time to learn how to move forward without necessarily knowing where I'll end up. It was time to realize that, no matter what I may have convinced myself of in the past, I've never known where a relationship was going, so it's time to stop all the worrying.

It occurs to me that in many ways (some big, some small), I have stood in my own way when it came to developing a good relationship. While it is important to know what I want, and what works, it is also important to know why I want what I want, and to be sure my reasons are solid. 

It is definitely still a work in progress, but I have absolutely improved. I no longer feel a pang of anxiety every time he goes out with friends, or if we go a day or two without chatting (OK - sometimes I have anxiety, but I have gotten much better at getting it in check). I've learned to look at good conversations and fun times as "positive" instead of "hopeful" (one looks to the future, while the other keeps me in the present). I've learned to relax about where we might be going, and how quickly (or slowly) we might get there.

I've also learned how to focus on what I know, rather than what I think might happen. I know he likes me; I also know there's always a possibility that could change. I have no control over his feelings or the future, so I may as well enjoy the now. Worrying about the future won't solve anything.

Something else I've learned? My relationship with Turtle happens between the two of us. Friends' advice, outside opinions, what someone says on Facebook, or even how people behave when we're in a group should not color how I see things between us.

I'm sure to some it sounds like I'm settling, or rationalizing. But the truth is, I need these lessons before I can have a happy, healthy relationship. Particularly because I tend to be attracted to men like Turtle, who are independent and off on their own so much. I can't go looking for reassurance, or expect someone to adjust his personality to accommodate my insecurities.

I always thought what I needed was a guy who gives me no reason to worry. The truth is, what I needed was to meet someone who would "force" (or help) me face my fears and insecurities, and get rid of them once and for all.

Turns out this relationship with Turtle, such as it is, meets my needs after all.

Shine on

The last few weeks have been tough. I have struggled with sorting through some feelings, trying to decide if I want to open myself up to dating again (more on that later), and struggles with friends. Add the holiday and family stress, and I'm about spent.

Don't even get me started on my New Years Eve plans.

It occurs to me that I just need to focus my energy on the good stuff. What's meant to be, will be. In the meantime, I'm free to do what I want with whomever. I can enjoy my friends (and the family I like), and I spend time with those friends who fill my life with smiles.

Plus - shopping.

Sometimes life isn't how you hoped or planned. Sometimes you're not too sure of yourself, or your choices.

All you can do is keep pushing forward, focus on the good, and hope for the best.

Shine on.

Top of the list

Everyone has a list of what they want, both from their relationship and in the person they choose. Some people are specific (he needs to be tall, she needs to like video games, we need to travel, etc.), while others are more general.

Every list is personal and unique. What works for one person will not necessarily work for another.

But I do think every list should start out with one primary requirement: I should be happy.

That may mean that you find someone who wants to spend a lot of time together. It may mean you finally find a guy who is taller than you. It may mean you find a guy who doesn't mind that you don't cook, or a woman who doesn't want kids, or a man who wants to help you train for your next marathon.

A friend recently pointed out to me that we all have something we want from our relationships. One of the greatest things we can learn about ourselves is what that something is. Once we know, we are in a much better position to choose the relationship that's best for us - whether or not it makes sense to anyone else.

I'm not in the best position to offer advice right now, but I hope you'll take some great advice from one of my dearest friends: 

Top your list with happy - and the rest will fall into place.

Worth the effort

There's, like, four of you that know the whole Turtle story. The rest know this little bit, in which I said I was willing to take a step back and let things just play out.

Everyone, regardless of what they know, seems to think I'm crazy. Which is fair. They are my friends, and want me to be happy. They see what I'm doing, and wonder why I'd put this much effort into a guy who, in their collective opinion, is not worth the trouble.

Here's the thing....

I have, as we all know, been on roughly a bazillion dates in the last 2+ years (since Trooper). I haven't really found anyone worth crossing a street, much less multiple conversations, and compromise.

But Turtle seems to be. Why? Well... He's kind and smart and respectful. He's hilarious and always makes me laugh. He's fun and likes some of the same things I do. He's a great listener. He makes me feel special. I feel like I can trust him.

But he is not 100% available (emotionally) to be in a relationship. That's a problem.

You may wonder - well, GGS can't you find someone who has all those qualities, but is ready?!

Well....see above. We've seen no evidence to support that theory.

I am totally OK with the slowing down. What has proved to be a challenge is the inconsistency. I still find myself wondering where I stand. Am I being friend-zoned? Will this phone conversation be the last I hear from him? Has he changed his mind? Because Turtle is all over the place, it's hard to pinpoint just where I stand.

The questions are endless, and I have given myself (and, I suspect, others) a headache trying to find the answers.

I do think Turtle is worth the effort. I accepted a long time ago that the relationship I want isn't one that is necessarily simple or easy. Sure that'd be nice - but what I really want is amazing.

Amazing is worth the effort - and I think Turtle could be amazing.

But, admittedly, all this back and forth wreaks havoc on my insecurities. It brings back every fear I have ever had about being left, about losing someone, getting hurt, or about being misled.

To say I'm scared out of my mind would be putting it mildly.

I have thought about just walking away. Telling Turtle this just isn't working, and I can't hang out with him at all. Letting myself off this hook, allowing myself to heal, and then hopefully making room for someone else in my life.

While I know that may be what happens in the end, I've decided I want it to be a choice I make because I know in my heart I've given all I can. If I walk away simply because I am insecure or impatient - I'd feel like I lost. Like I let my flaws shape my world.

That may have been OK when I was discarding my flavor of the week, whose name I couldn't remember. But it is not an OK way to treat someone amazing.

I need to fix these things about myself. I may always be a little impatient, and a little insecure. No one is perfect. But I don't have to let those qualities define me.

So, for anyone who thinks Turtle may not be worth the effort - you might turn out to be right. He might friend-zone me, he might mislead me, he might just break my heart.

But even if that happens, I've still had the chance to work on some things about myself.

Which, I hope you'll agree, is totally worth the effort.

The truth is...

Confession: Sometimes, when I'm confused, I reread my own blog posts to try and make sense of how I'm feeling.

 

Turtle and I have been going back and forth...in and out...over and under this conversation about where things are going.

 

The truth is, he doesn't know. He was able to tell me honestly how he feels, where I stand, and what he can offer.

 

The truth is - that was what I needed all along. I didn't need some declaration of commitment, or a label, or even for things to go anywhere. I just needed to know where I was. Now that I do, I am OK staying in this place, at least for now.

 

Hopefully, we'll move on from this point as a couple. Maybe. Down the road. But maybe not. The truth is, I am OK with that, too. Trust me, I'm as surprised as you.

 

So, this was the confusion that led me to stalking my own blog posts...

 

A couple months back, I wrote a post called "How do you spell love?" At the time, Turtle and I had been on only a few dates. I had no idea where it might go, and had no plans that the guy would be in my life for another week, let alone another couple of months. The post was really all about me, and had nothing to do with him.

.....I want something that makes sense. Something that can start off slow, but has the potential to grow into something lasting. Something that feels good. Something that just works....

The truth is, I'm not looking for a specific person, or a particular relationship. I want to feel special and beautiful, and empowered. I want to be content in what I have, and excited to find out what's next. I want to be passionate, and easy-going at the same time. I want to be completely uninterested in meeting anyone else - and  I want him to feel the same....

Reading that, I guess it is a little vague. Which, I suppose could make it tough to find. But the truth is, I threw out my "type" and my "rules" years ago. I promised myself that if I met someone, I'd give him a chance - until there was a reason not to.

So I guess what I'm looking for is just tough to describe. I'm not worried,  though - I'll know it when I feel it.

The truth is.... I knew all along.

 

Good advice

For those keeping track at home - things are basically still the same between Turtle and me. Well - to be fair and accurate - our status has not changed. We did have a chance to have a long conversation. While we didn't walk away as a "couple" or anything, I walked away with a much better understanding of where he's coming from, and his concerns.  He's still "sorting through things" and I'm still "giving him time."

I know some people think I should cut this off. The uncertainty isn't fair to me. Admittedly, it doesn't make me happy - and I deserve to be happy. It would be nice if it was as simple as "Do you want to date? Check yes or no." But it isn't that easy - at least not for him.

Here's the thing....

I can't even describe how happy this guy makes me. When I'm with him, all I do is laugh. When I think of him, all I do is smile. Do I ever have doubts? Yes. But they are way more about me than about him. I know I have every right to protect my feelings. But I also refuse to let my own self doubt and insecurity get in the way of something my gut says could be amazing.

The advice to walk away makes sense. Honestly, it's likely the advice I'd give, if someone else were in my shoes. But my gut says something totally different.

So, I've decided to keep stuff a little closer to my heart, at least for now. I know this can't go on forever. I also know that while I figure out that time frame, it could resolve itself (one way or another). In the meantime, I don't want to miss out on enjoying one minute of my time with him.

Dodge a bullet

Yesterday's post got me thinking about something that comes up a lot in dating - especially online dating.

"Sometimes it just makes sense to let someone think that it's you, not them, and move on."

It is so easy to get caught up on what I like to call a person's dating resumè. This is especially true with online dating, where you start off already knowing the basics.

Well, we're the same age, both like movies, have the same education, use all the right words (spelled correctly), and we like the same sports teams. We want the same things, and seem to share a sense of humor. How can we not be soul-mates?!

When you chat with this person, and he's not immediately convinced the two of you are meant to be, it's easy to think, clearly something must be wrong with him. Even your friends will get in on the act. When you tell them you met this great guy, but he wasn't interested, they usually suggest it's his issue.

The truth? Maybe it is. Maybe this guy, even though he seems perfect on paper, has some deep-seeded emotional issues. Maybe he's afraid of commitment. Maybe he's immature.

Maybe he works for the CIA and can't get too attached, and one look at you and he knew he would fall hopelessly, madly in love. So, he walked away, knowing it was for your own good.

Or.... assuming you're both generally good people who don't live in a Nicholas Sparks novel - maybe he just isn't into you.

Instead of getting hung up on the resumè, maybe focus on the person. Did you even have a conversation? Was it any good? If there's no spark, maybe his appeal begins and ends on paper. If you build someone up in your mind, you might think the conversation is wonderful - until you give it a second look.

Maybe you never got to an actual conversation. Maybe he ignored your email, and you're wondering why. Well - maybe he just isn't right for you. He may have picked up on some subtle differences between the two of you that he knows are deal-breakers. Have some faith he might know what's best. I mean, if you can't trust your soul-mate, who can you trust?!

Just like an actual resumè, a person's dating profile is a snapshot. It's the basics. It's a good place to start, but it will take a few interviews and maybe even a trial period before you know how good the fit really is.

So if he walks away, maybe rather than blaming - yourself or him - you should be thankful you were spared the wrong one. Sometimes the universe will help us dodge a bullet, even when we insist on standing in the line of fire.

Hit publish

The other day I was all dressed up, having a good hair and make-up day. That's somewhat rare, so I decided to take some photos to update my dating profiles. I'm one of those people who actually goes to the trouble of updating my profile (pictures and all) at least every six months.

As I hit publish, I got to thinking. It really does take a certain level of guts to put your picture on a profile. You're basically asking people to judge your appearance. Asking them to determine if they think you're worth a closer look. You're inviting criticism and harsh words and rejection.

I've always posted a photo, because I think not posting one is dishonest. But when I hit publish, I can't help but picture guys pointing and laughing.

I don't agree that anyone should put a profile out there without a photo. I think if you're actually available and honestly looking to meet, you should be upfront about everything - including your face.

But I do understand how it can be so scary to just hit publish.

By the way....Engineer's wedding was lovely.

Ten dating lessons I learned in 2013

In a lot of ways, 2013 sucked, at least when it came to dating. When I looked back over the guys that shaped the last 12 months, I thought, "Good grief." Then I decided to focus on things besides dating that shaped 2013. Much better.

But of course, this is a dating blog. You're not here to read about the raise I got at work, or the new direct sales adventure I started.

So rather than recap the guys, I decided to recap the lessons. Much less depressing.

♡ I want ridiculous love. By that, I mean I don't just want ordinary, "this will do" kind of love. I want a "knock my socks off" kind of love.

♡ I am a little afraid of commitment. Not because I don't want a relationship - because I don't want the wrong relationship. I believe that fear helps me move more slowly, and will ultimately help me recognize the right guy when he comes along.

♡ Some people will disappear from your life as quickly as they appeared. Sometimes they won't say goodbye. It doesn't make them a jerk. In fact, these people deserve forgiveness, not anger.

♡ I'm simply not meant to understand everything.

♡ It takes a lot of time and communication to really "get" a person. Knowing he wants a relationship or hates drama is only half the story. You still need to understand what those things mean to him. If you both define "relationship" differently, it won't matter how much you like one another.

♡ It's OK for me to define what I want, and not accept being treated poorly. It's not too much to expect common courtesy. I deserve to be treated well, and there's no reason to make room in my life for those who don't agree.

♡ Though I sometimes get a little lonely and a little sad, I know I'm better off on my own than I would ever be settling.

♡ I can date casually, but only for so long. I want long-term potential. To say otherwise is simply a waste of everyone's time.

♡ Boundaries are very important, especially when it comes to friendships with exes.

♡ I'm a pretty strong person. Someday, someone is going to be lucky he found me.

Raising standards

While I do want to raise my standards for choosing dates, I also want to examine how critical I am. I don't want to take crap, but I also don't want to leap to conclusions, or let my baggage get in my way.

Sure, I have met my fair share of jerks. But there's no reason that needs to cloud how I see all men. Would I like it to help me become a better judge of character? Yes. Help me to see warning signs, ask better questions, and look out for myself a little more? Definitely.

But a conversation with this guy made me wonder if I might be applying my bad experiences to all men, and judging them unfairly - which I do not want.

Despite my many jokes about cooties, I truly don't think all men are bad. I personally know several very good men - they're just not good for me. I also know many women who have found wonderful men, who treat them with love, and respect, and kindness.

Found it here

So I know it's possible. I just find myself doubting that it will ever happen for me.

I'm pretty sure I let that doubt make me defensive with some of the men I meet. Almost immediately, I
question their motives, their words, and their feelings. It would be one thing if I did this quietly, or only to my friends - but I've always been a little more transparent.

Not that I come right out and accuse anyone of lying. I definitely put up a wall, and refuse to let people in. As soon as a guy does something that might be suspect, I jump on it and use it as an excuse to end things.

Basically, I walk away before he can leave.

Having figured this out, and realizing I probably need to knock if off if I'm ever going to go on another second date, I find myself in a very awkward position. I have to balance not wanting to judge men too quickly or unfairly, but also make sure I'm keeping up with my standards and not letting anyone treat me poorly.

But how does one do that? My desire to only let the good guys in practically forces me to boot a guy the minute he does or says anything that seems out of line. But the sad truth is, meeting new people is tough for everyone, and it's easy for a guy to slip up - just like it's easy for me to slip up, too.

It's kind of like when I was trying to learn to ride a bike. On the one hand, I really wanted to learn how to ride my pretty pink bike with the sparkly streamers and little basket. I wanted to go out and have fun with my best friend, and ride all over. But on the other hand, I remembered what it felt like getting hurt when I fell (down a hill, landed in a bush - seriously not one of my better moments).

I eventually gave up the bike.

Let's hope I've matured some in the last 30 years.

Just breathe

I'm having a little trouble not obsessing, not worrying, and not planning. Those are the things at which I'm best, so it's tough to just throw a switch and turn them off.

I've said before, I'm so invested in my future, it's hard to be patient, waiting for things to just happen. I want to make them happen; fast forward to the end so I know how it all turns out.

What can I say? I'm impatient and nosy. Traits I get from my grandmother.

I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime, if anyone has good ideas for a distraction, I'm open to suggestions. Just please don't tell me to "work on myself." That goes without saying.

Top ten reasons I like being single

If you're single, and don't really want to be, there's plenty about the single life that can suck. It's easy to focus on those qualities and forget all the things that make single life absolutely fabulous.

So, as a reminder for myself, and my fellow singles (inspired by this post I found while looking for some pictures)...

10 - I don't have to share my closets or my remote control.

9 - I can cuddle with my cat at night without anyone complaining.

Source

8 - I come and go as I please without consulting anyone.

7 - Coming and going applies to events too - I arrive when I want and leave when I'm ready.

6 - The only messes I pick up (or not) are my own.

5 - I never have to miss out on anything because it's football season.

4 - I have had plenty of bad dates, and made plenty of mistakes...which mean I have great stories.

3 - I have become very aware of who I am, what I want, and what I deserve.

2 - I know I don't have to settle.

1 - I know exactly who my best friends are, who I can count on, who will always have my back - and who won't.

On a break

I prefer not to whine about my real life too much, and certainly never here (I have a whole other blog for that kind of whining). But, occasionally real life spills over into dating life... and that's happening right now.

I'm super-stressed over some things happening at work (the paycheck that actually pays my bills). I'm also super-stressed about a fundraising event I'm working on.

Do I have time to date? Sure I do. I'm not any busier than anyone else, and I can shuffle priorities with the best of 'em. My problem is not time management.

Source

My problem is that when I'm stressed, I get depressed. When I get depressed, I shut down. That means that dating (you know - looking cute, being charming, actually talking to another human) is, like, work right now.

My other problem is that when I get depressed, I tend to view everything as a major pain in the neck, and I'm way too sensitive and unforgiving (Side Note: I've also been called to jury duty later this month. Those poor criminals don't stand a chance.). That's not a good place to be mentally when meeting new people and trying to determine if they're worth a little effort and/or compromise. In my current state of mind, I don't want to do either. For anyone. Ever. 

Add to all of this the fact that the dating pool is in some serious need of chlorine at the moment. The last few dates I've been on were complete jerks who eventually just blew me off with no explanation. The last few guys I just talked with turned out to be not at all what they portrayed. The last few men I tried dating seriously just didn't work out.

Basically, I'm just bad company right now. So, it might be time to regroup, hide the profiles, and come back swinging in October. Hopefully by then the work situation will be under control, jury duty will be done, and I will be through my fundraising event.

Life won't ever be boring or quiet for me (which is cool), and dating might never be completely easy. But it can be better. Like I said - it's all about priorities. Right now, I'm thinking dating shouldn't be one of mine.

So, maybe in celebration of, or inspired by, Unmarried and Single Americans Week - me and dating are officially on a break. Which, I guess makes me uber-single.

A little crazy

You meet a guy. The two of you seem to hit it off. You have great conversation, a lot in common, it seems like you want the same thing - and he appears to be just as into you as you are him.

Your first date goes well. He gives you a great hug (maybe a kiss) and right away, he wants to set up the next date.

Things seem to be going great. Except he makes plans to go out a couple times that week - but you're not sure where, or with who. He calls you on his lunch, instead of at night. He gives you what seems like a preemptive blow-off.

But why should any of that matter? You only just met. It's not like you're exclusive - you're barely dating! In fact - you have a date of your own set up for one of those nights! So why do you care?

Some will say this is an example of a "crazy" woman - clingy, needy, insecure. While I don't like the word "crazy" to describe what is honestly very common dating behavior (for both men and women) - I do see the point. But honestly, I think it only seems crazy because we're not acknowledging the real problem.

Sure, it would be unreasonable to set any sort of expectation on this guy so early on. But what if our expectation isn't about him? What if it's about us?

At the end of the day, we're all looking for the "right" one. "Right" looks different for each of us - but the feeling is the same. It feels certain, and secure, and - well, right.

The what-ifs and the I-wonders come in when we're not sure something is right. That's OK - that's what dating is for, to figure it out.

I think the insecurity pops in not because we don't trust this particular guy, but because deep down, we don't trust our feelings. We know something is just a little off. It isn't what we were expecting.

That expectation has way more to do with our own feelings, yet we focus it on his actions. Inside, we're doubting ourselves and our feelings and whether or not this is what we expected to feel. But outwardly, we point our doubt at him, and his actions, with very little reason.

That could make anyone seem a little crazy.

Learn to be confident, not cocky

A few years ago, I realized I suffer from terminal shyness. My dislike absolute hatred for walking into certain situations solo, talking to new people, and learning new places was a huge obstacle. Having dated Big for so long, I was able to avoid the issue. Once I started trying to meet new people, I realized it was a problem.

I forced myself to move past my shyness. I decided I would find uncomfortable situations and participate. Whether that meant going to a meetup full of strangers, having dinner in a restaurant alone, or talking to strangers at an event - I was going to find, and do, new things until I fought my way out of the debilitating shyness.

I absolutely have empathy for people who are in the same situation. Empathy - not sympathy. My personal feeling is that if I can find a way to overcome 30+ years of shyness - to the point where new friends don't even believe I am shy - then anyone should be able to help himself with the same issue.

One thing that helped me get out of my own way was a sincere, fervent drive to not give the appearance that I lacked confidence or needed to control and plan every step. Especially when meeting new dates; I wanted to come across as easy-going and self-assured. I forced myself to exhibit those attributes, even when I didn't feel them. Fake it 'til you make it.

It's kind of like the saying "never let 'em see you sweat." I had a problem with worrying and needing to plan every single step, because I lacked the confidence it takes to just go with the flow. I had the problem - but I didn't want anyone to know. It has always perplexed me why some people don't worry at all about how desperate, worried, or controlling they seem, and how they don't realize that it's all tied back to a lack of confidence or self-esteem.

Not too long ago, I went on a date with a guy who had been insisting we get together for about a week. Even after I pointed out that I really didn't think we had a whole lot in common, he kept coming up with reasons why we should meet. Finally, I agreed to an afternoon coffee date.

At his suggestion, we decided to meet at 2 pm. He told me he'd text me at noon to confirm. Now - I understand wanting to confirm. No one likes to be stood up. Honestly, that's one reason why I choose coffee shops for first dates. I can just sit and sip my hot chocolate alone as if that was my plan all along, and I won't feel (or appear to be) stood up.

But confirming the confirmation text? That seemed a bit much.

Confirm he did - and he changed the time, moving it back 30 minutes. That put me ahead of schedule, so I got there early and grabbed a table. This particular coffee shop has a couple of smaller rooms off the main sitting area, so I texted my date and let him know where I was seated. I was so happily immersed in hot chocolate and Pinterest, I didn't even realize he was late, until my phone buzzed:

Are there any tables in the bigger room?

First of all - beggers can't be choosers. You suggested a time, then changed it, and now you're late. Before you've even met me, you're criticizing my table choice. If you wanted a particular seat, you should have gotten here earlier and grabbed it yourself.

That's what I was thinking - what I said was:

No.

A few minutes later:

What table ya at?

The shop is carved into three sections. They are rooms, so one does have to look to see who is sitting where. I had already told him I wasn't in the main sitting area, and that I was in the smaller room to the right. He had asked if there were tables in the larger room to the left - suggesting he knew what room I meant. So why ask again? 

I repeated myself and said I was the only woman sitting at a table alone. His response:

Where?

I'm not sure if he thought I was going to come looking for him, or if I would offer to come meet him at his table. Neither happened. I told him again. I was ready to leave and just say forget it, when he finally located me - 15 minutes after he said he'd meet me.

I don't know if he was being rude, or shy, or nervous, or controlling - or maybe all of the above. I do know that even if we'd had a chance at a connection, by the time he sat down, it was gone.

Being confident and taking charge is not the same thing as being cocky and controlling. It's hard to learn the difference - but the lesson is well worth the trouble.