"Why are you seeing that other guy?" That was the question a good friend asked me on Thursday night. The night after Mr. 28-Year-Old gave me a very thoughtful Christmas gift. It was nothing fancy - but it was absolutely perfect, showed a lot of thought and was just absolutely sweet.
The "other guy" to whom my friend was referring is a guy I met online about a month ago. We've been on three dates. On paper, he's exactly the guy I'm looking for: early 40's, educated and smart, very successful, good with money, interesting, gets along with his family, etc.
He's a gamer (so that will be his nick-name) - meaning things like Dungeons & Dragons, Magic, Battletech, etc. are his thing. Totally fine with me. (I can actually visualize some of you shaking your heads as you read that!) Here's my thing: Any hobby is better than no hobby. A person who is interested in something is usually more interesting to spend time with. They have something to talk and get excited about. Something to share.
When we first started chatting, he told me that his gaming had been a problem with other women he'd dated. They'd complained it was an "immature" hobby for a guy his age. I could see that, but, as I told him, it really wasn't a problem for me.
But I'll tell you what was...
It's slightly more than a hobby. It's all he does. Which means that when it comes to making plans/dates, he's at a loss. He has nothing to suggest because he doesn't do anything other than play games - and since I don't play (and have no plans to start) that's not something he can suggest. What's more, he's new to the area, so when we make plans, he always leans on me, saying, "Well I don't know the area." It feels like a cop out; I'm his date, not his cruise director. New or not, I don't expect to have to do all the work. That's tiring - and alarmingly like spending time with family.
His gaming also means that I'm flying solo for for certain date-nights. For example - every other weekend, he goes out of town to visit his mom and spend time with gaming friends. I was matter-of-factly informed that he has a standing engagement for New Year's Eve, playing a game with a group of friends.
Is it rude of me to be upset about that? Maybe. It's also possible that I'm looking for excuses. As right as this guy may seem, it's discouraging when I'm given a list of dates he is not (and never would be) available.
I also found that, while he is always nice to me, he's not always nice to others. For example - waiters. He complained to me about the service in both restaurants where we've eaten - and was passive-aggressively rude to our waiter, but didn't say anything constructive. In my opinion, there really wasn't anything to complain about anyway.
My friend suggested that it might be time to cut this guy off (three dates, no improvement). Maybe I should focus on Mr. 28-year-old, who seems like a genuinely nice guy, and who is always making me smile. I'm told it's pretty obvious that I like this guy - a lot.
So, I'm back to thinking about Gamer. When I break things off, he's going to think that my problem is the gaming. Do I just let him think that, and be done with it? Or do I explain?
It makes me think of the line in the movie Social Network, when Erica Albright breaks up with Mark Zuckerberg. She says to him, "You'll go through life thinking girl's don't like you because you're a nerd. I want you to know that won't be true. It will be because you're an asshole."
Maybe I should just send him that video clip?