Worth a try

When I was struggling with whether or not I wanted to work on things with Sparrow, I had a well-timed visit to my counselor. I discussed my fears of taking on a project, "forcing" someone to change, and whether or not he might become resentful - and was it all even worth the trouble?

My take on it was that it could be one of two outcomes:

• I could struggle and compromise and work - and end up heartbroken anyway
• I could struggle and compromise and work - and end happily ever after

My counselor, in his infinite wisdom, pointed out to me that I was "doing it again" - it being painting things in black and white, and ignoring all the gray.

What if I struggled and compromised and worked - and revisited in a month (or whatever time made sense)? What if I decided for myself, at that point, if things were working? What if I asked myself, "Am I trying hard enough? Is he?" and took it from that point? What if I took a little control, and responsibility, for protecting my own heart, and stopped relying on someone else not to break it?

I was worried that I'd end up broken hearted because Sparrow owed me nothing. My counselor reminded me that I owed Sparrow the same. All I was committing myself to was trying. I wasn't making a promise of forever, or a promise to be perfect.

As long as I tried, I'd done my part.

It occurs to me that is true of any relationship. Along the way, you make various commitments; I won't date other people, I'll meet your parents, I won't get drunk in front of your parents, etc. Eventually, if it gets there, you make a commitment to love that person forever. Til death do you part.

I'll spare you the joke about how that means you either need to love that person no matter what - or kill him.

But until you've made that promise - well, you haven't. Seems like it should be simple enough - you're only responsible for keeping the promises you have made. But it's not that easy for someone like me, who tries to plan for every possibility, contingency, and variable.

I worry if I can keep a promise before I'm even asked to make one. Maybe I need to just stop that; to cut myself some slack, and realize that I'm smart enough to know when a promise is too big, even for me.

It's a lot to teach myself, and will probably take some getting used to. But it might be a project that's worth a try.

Baggage check

I keep saying I know there are lessons that I can learn, and ways I can improve myself - and those are the positives that come out of a failed relationship.

My counselor even said to me, "Everyone has baggage. The trick is not to let it work against you. Make it work for you. Learn from it; and use it to figure out what kind of relationship works for you."

Makes sense, right?

He also told that, based on my description of my relationship with Trooper, there wasn't a lot that I did to "drive him away." Friends have also said that this particular breakup seems to have more to do with him, than me. That would be good news, except that it also leaves me with a question about what I should be learning. I refuse to believe there isn't something I should be learning, that might help me in future relationships.

I have baggage. I know this. We all have baggage. You don't make it close to 40 over 30 years in this world without packing some stuff away, and carrying it with you.

A lot of mine comes from my marriage. First, let me say - X is a great guy, and one of my best friends. If I ever needed help, or someone with whom I could trust my life, he would be my first call. He was a good husband, and I like to think I was a good wife. At some point, things got broken, we started to grow in separate directions, and couldn't get back on the same page.

Something that always stuck with me, though, was the fact that I didn't always handle stress in our relationship all that well. My own struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression made me doubt when I shouldn't, ask unfair questions, and get more upset than the situation warranted.

In other words I overreacted. A lot.

As a result, I think I'm overly concerned about acting that way in a relationship. When red flags appear, I constantly question whether I should bring them up, or if it's just a case of me being too sensitive. Or I wait to say anything, trying to talk myself out of being upset, because I don't want to come across as bitchy or angry.

More than one friend has said to me, "But you're not a mean person - you won't sound mean if you just mention it!" But those friends have never seen the way I can react if pushed. Even though I've addressed those problems, I'm still worried the old me will rear her ugly head.

So I rationalize the problem away, and let it go. This was actually a running theme in my relationship with Big, and I didn't even realize it until after we broke up. I was much better about this with Trooper. There were plenty of times that I felt like I needed to say something, and I did. I was never afraid to speak my mind with him.

Maybe I improved...but just not enough. Maybe I need to figure out a way to trust my instincts more, and when it feels like something's wrong, I need to just say so. Maybe I need to start being a little less worried about upsetting or hurting the other person, and more worried about what's on my own mind.

Maybe I need to trust that I won't hurt or upset the other person because, the truth is, if he's the right one for me and he's ready for a relationship, he's ready to hear whatever I have to say.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

So, I'm on vacation - and not with Trooper. I took a week to spend some time in a beautiful place (for free), and enjoy sun-soaked days bonding with my favorite family-members. Despite a slightly rough start, and the occasional hiccup, I'm loving every second.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I have to confess...taking vacations away from my "other" has always made me a little nervous. I think there's a part of me that feels like the only reason people like me is because I'm right in front of them. Sort of like a squeaky wheel gets the oil mentality. I guess I just worry that a person might realize his life is better/happier/quieter when I'm not around.

Now, I used to let that affect my decisions. I would talk myself out of doing things separately from my SO - and in a million years, never would have done a trip like this! If I couldn't avoid the separate trip or outing, I was usually miserable the whole time, worrying about what might happen when I came back.

Not this time.

I guess you could say this is another lesson that I've learned. I finally realized that, if a guy doesn't miss me when I go away, he really doesn't like me all that much when I'm around, either. I understand that if going away causes a problem in a relationship, that issue already existed. If the trip doesn't bring it to the surface, something else will. I don't have to worry that my absence will cause me to lose him, because if it did - he was never really mine, anyway.

There are no guarantees - but realizing that, and freeing yourself from the worry, is almost as comforting as if you were given one.

Less than half

A friend and I were talking the other day about meeting new people, and how important it is (or isn't) to have things in common. He was a little concerned that a woman he met only has one real hobby - and it isn't one that he shares.

I said I didn't see that as an issue. It's not like they need to be tied together at the hip all the time. So, she goes off and does her thing, and he'll do his. If she only has one thing she's really into - she'll probably be open to just about anything when they are spending time together.

He thought about that, and agreed. It's not as if he wants to meet someone with whom he shares everything. Everyone needs time to themselves. If you share every hobby or interest - you'll get sick of each other pretty quickly.

On OK Cupid, one of the profile questions asks how much you want to have in common with a significant other; Everything, More than half, Half, Less than half. My answer is Less than half; but I've seen plenty of people who want to have More than half, or even Everything, in common with their "other."

That seems...boring to me. Half the fun of meeting someone new is learning and experiencing something new. If we already share everything, I won't learn anything - and I can't teach anything, either.

Guess I'm just a less than half kind of gal.

But, how do you know it's serious?

Okay - clearly I'm not an expert on this topic. If you've read previous posts, you know that I was in a relationship I believed to be serious - room for my stuff in his bathroom, met the parents, met the friends, etc. - and it wasn't.

But in my defense - when people say these are the signs that a relationship is getting serious - what's a girl supposed to think?

The moral of this story, I think, is that there are no rules in dating - and you should always just be very clear in your communication. Don't assume that just because you start spending Fridays in, that you are getting  serious. There's no formula, no one set of rules that applies to every couple.

Just two people, finding their way to each other, at the right time and right place.

Still - never, ever, be afraid to argue.

Dating myself

No, this isn't a post about me revealing my age. I did that a couple weeks ago.

I'm actually writing about exactly what the posts says - going on dates with just myself.

During a recent conversation, I mentioned to a friend that I went to the movies on a Saturday night. She asked who I went with, and I answered that I'd gone by myself. She responded by saying, "Oh, I never do that."

I wanted to ask why (but I didn't). She's not the first person to make a comment like that to me. I do understand the hesitancy - I used to feel the same way. When you walk into a room on your own, especially a room filled with couples and groups, you feel incomplete. What's worse - you feel like everyone is looking.

The thing is, once you get past that feeling (and I swear, you do get past it), going places on your own is okay. It can even be enjoyable!

More than that, it teaches you confidence - which makes you instantly more attractive to anyone you might be trying to...attract. You get to know yourself better, you have more to talk about when you are with others, and it makes you happier.

I mean, what could be more miserable than just sitting around your house waiting for something to do? Go out and find something -  a movie, a concert, a book store. Or better yet - make something to do! A meal at that new restaurant you've been wanting to try, a day trip to a town you've never been. You'll have stories and memories...and things to add to your "dating resume."

I've taken myself on "dates" many times - I'll just pick an evening, and go out to dinner and to a movie, or to a concert, or a museum, by myself. I eat what I want, when I want. I go where I want and stay as long as I want.

I really am a terrific date.

So terrific, in fact, that I've decided this is going to be a weekly thing. If couples can have "date night" with each other, then as a single, I think I'm entitled to a "date night" too. Except my long-term relationship is with myself - so that's the one I need to recharge after several nights of hanging with others

After all - if I'm not even cool enough that I want to date me, how can I expect that anyone else will want to date me, either?

Is he afraid of relationships?

After a couple weeks of emailing, I finally went on a first date with this very cool guy I met on a dating website. I thought it went really well; we talked for a few hours, and he seemed to have fun. I know I did. Then, less than a week later, we met for date number two. Again, dinner with a couple hours of conversation. When we said goodbye, he hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Then I heard nothing. He'd admitted to me he's shy, so I thought maybe that was it. But I refused to reach out to him after date number two, since I'd already done that after date number one. I decided if he really liked me, he'd have to do the work. (Which probably proves I didn't really like him that much - but that's a different post.)

Five days later, he sent me an email.

"Sorry I haven't been in touch this week, but I've been in a little bit of a panic mode. The idea of dating still causes me a bit of anxiety. It has nothing to do with you, just me and my fear of women."

I thought - how in the world am I supposed to respond to that?!

I asked twitter - no suggestions. I asked facebook - everyone said to run away. Two friends suggested he could be lying to end things (And who wants to deal with that?) or he really is that messed up (And who wants to deal with that?).

Honestly - I was kind of annoyed. After five days, I assumed it was over, and had no plans to contact him. Why couldn't he just leave it alone? But I get that he could actually be a good guy (go figure) and far be it from me to discourage any guy from actually behaving like a man. The problem wasn't whether or not I should walk away - the problem was, how to do so nicely.

So I replied, saying that I appreciated his honesty; that it sounded like either I wasn't the right woman, or the timing was off. Either way - no hard feelings, and we could certainly be friends.

He liked that idea, and told me a little bit more about what made him so afraid - he's used to women getting upset and/or lecturing when he says something "wrong." I thought back to when we met for our second date. We'd agreed to meet at a movie theater box office - and I stood right in front of it. He got there after me, and waited near the mall entrance before walking over to the ticket window, so it took him some time to find me. He seemed frustrated when he did - almost like he was angry.

Now I wonder - was he worried that I was going to be upset? Did he expect me to have an outburst or deliver a lecture about making me wait?

It really doesn't matter; it's not up to me to fix anyone else, and if he has issues, he has to deal with them himself. And I'm certainly not going to convince someone that he wants to date me - the person I'm looking for will already know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

But it does make me wonder - are there people out there who are just afraid to be in a relationship?

It's not so easy

During my dating weekend from hell, after I got the "there's just no spark" message from BG, I was...okay. I had been thinking it was coming, and had even been wondering if there was a connection on my end, as well.

My friend said to me, "I know, but that always sucks to hear." I dismissed it then, but thinking back - she's right.

I don't think it matters why we're rejected. Sure, sometimes it's easier. Like, if we don't like the guy - it's always easier if he agrees. Other times, I think it helps to have a decision made for us; if we like two guys, but only one is interested - well, that settles that.

But even in those cases, I think there's some residual, "Why not me?" feelings that we don't always deal with - until it comes up. Which it always does - usually in a bigger way; that's way more dramatic than it should have been; not that I'd know anything about that.

I just think rejection...sucks. It's never easy to have someone tell you he's not interested. No matter how you slice it, what he's saying is there is something "wrong" with you (whether it's actually wrong, or just not right for him).

Here's the good news (if you want to call it that): Rejection can be helpful, too. I'm not suggesting we study what we did "wrong" and try to change. But it is a chance to see ourselves through the eyes of someone else. A change in perspective is usually where improvement begins - and we can all stand some improvement.

Rejection is also a chance to take stock in our patterns, and make changes if needed. Am I looking for Mr. Right in all the wrong places? Am I shutting guys out when I should be letting them get closer? Do I need to compromise more? Or maybe less?

Those are all questions we don't ask ourselves in a comfortable relationship. Only dating (and sometimes failing miserably) puts those topics front and center.

Rejection is also a chance for us to take a good look, and figure out - honestly - what we want. Do we really want a relationship - or are we just afraid to be alone? Maybe we're looking to avoid making the changes we need to make - and a relationship provides the perfect excuse.

The real truth is - it's not so easy to be rejected. But sometimes, life (and cupid) give us what we need - not necessarily what we want.

Facebook: The dating site? (Part II)

Continued from here....

I got in my car after our date thinking things went pretty well. He hugged, me right? He seemed to like me. Heck, he asked me out.

So you can imagine my surprise when I woke up on Saturday morning to find a facebook message from BG that read (I'll paraphrase):

I really like you....but I just don't feel the spark I think I should feel for dating....I'm sorry I didn't say anything last night, but it is hard for me to say this kind of thing in person. I don't blame you if you want to unfriend me or never speak to me again....

Woah... Now, I had been doubting the connection even before our second date. I suspected he might have felt the same. I did really like him, and I would be lying if I said it didn't sort of suck to have him deliver the "Dear Jane" message.

But, in my book, BG gets big points for being honest. HUGE points, in fact, because it was admittedly difficult for him. He flat out said he liked me but didn't want to lead me on. If you've read any of the earlier posts on this blog, you know that I know a little something about being led on. There's no possible way for someone to gain more respect from me than by being honest, especially when doing so puts them in an uncomfortable situation.

I told BG as much in my reply. I told him that I was glad to have met him, and for the chance to get to know him. I told him that of course I was happy to count him as a friend. I told him that I try very hard not to set expectations when I meet new people; that way, I can make room in my life for the relationship, however it develops.

We've been chatting ever since.

Will we ever hang out again? I don't know. There's no reason not to, if there's something we both want to do. I hope that our friendship is something that will keep growing. Does it suck a little that the only normal guy in all of North America who isn't taken only thinks of me as a friend? Of course.

But I learned that it would suck more if he didn't think of me at all. So I have absolutely no regrets.

Don't chase, replace

I haven't heard from TG in a week. Around day four, I figured that I would probably not hear from him again, unless I reached out. After some back and forth, I decided against that, for a couple of reasons.

First of all, I really don't want to be the chaser at this point. Aside from my ex husband, I've always been the chaser. Even with Big; though he certainly initiated a lot of our relationship, in the end, I was still chasing. I chased what I wanted; some vision I had in my mind of the relationship we had, even if it really wasn't there.

TG always said he was really busy, and I know that it was true. But, it's also true that if you meet someone and you're really, truly interested, you find a way to make room - or at least to let them know that want to, but can't. It's also true that TG carries a phone with him that could probably launch missiles with the right app - so he could certainly send me a text, if he wanted.

After four dates, I'll admit - I kind of felt I deserved some explanation. When it became clear that wasn't going to happen, I realized I could put him on the spot. I could force him to admit he didn't want to see me anymore, and tell me why.

But that felt like chasing, so I decided to leave it alone, and let him fade away.

I suppose some might say that's weak. But, the truth is, I don't see any reason. After four dates, he'd know if he was feeling a connection. If he's not, and I press the issue, he'll have nothing but cruel, nasty things to say to me - and I really don't need to hear any of that.

A bigger reason? I didn't like when someone put me in a situation that forced me to explain how I was feeling. Even though I think four dates is different than one, the truth is, TG and I never really advanced past the point of friendship - so, pressing the issue with him would make me no better than when Sean pressed it with me. I have to treat others the way I want to be treated, right?

But the biggest reason I didn't chase TG? Because if a guy isn't man enough to tell me, straight up, that he doesn't want to see me again - then he isn't someone worth chasing in the first place.

Five things about me

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little bit insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~ Marilyn Monroe

I was poking around on facebook (Oh, you didn't know I was there? I am - show me some facebook love like, won't you?!) and came across this article from the How about we....? blog.

We all have issues. Every one of us. But it's a rare few who actually know what our issues are - most of us are far more interested in the issues that other people bring to the table.

Those of us lucky enough to have been dumped like yesterday's trash learned from past relationships are usually more aware of our own flaws. Because, you know, they've been pointed out to us we've had a chance to really get to know ourselves.

So, in that spirit - here are five things anyone should know before he considers dating me.

When I get hungry, I get cranky monumentally bitchy. When I say I'm hungry, that doesn't mean we should eat hours from now. It means we're inside the hazard window, and if you want to eat with me, you'd better get with the program.

I don't share well. This does not mean I'm not generous - I am. I'd do anything for anyone, and help in any way I can. But do not try to steal my covers or my closet space.

I can be passive-aggressive. I don't always want to have a confrontation, but I am woefully bad at hiding when I'm upset. I'm working on it.

I have arthritis in my knees. It probably sounds weird - but it's important. Why? There will be things I want to do, but can't. I expect you to hold out your hand, to help me with steps. I expect you to look for an elevator or escalator, and I expect you not to get impatient when I walk slow. I won't always accept your help - but I'll always want your consideration.

I'm still friends with my ex. He's my best guy friend; and one of the best friends I have. Period. He still talks to my family, he helps me with problems. He's not going anywhere - but he is truly an ex.

And my bonus good thing, like the author of the original post added....

I'm over drama. I don't play games; what I say is what I mean; and I don't want to be in charge of your life. I just want to be your equal.

What would be on your list?

Shame on GGS

So, I mentioned that before TG asked me on the second date I was really unsure how interested he was. He ended the date with a lackluster statement ("I'll keep in touch") and I honestly didn't know what to do with that. Then we were emailing, and he didn't respond to me, but I knew he'd been online because the site where we met tracks that sort of thing....

In short, I made two major errors.

The first was the internet stalking vetting research. That sort of thing doesn't really teach me anything. Sure, the site said he signed in - but of course, I have no idea for what reason. Hell - I was signed in when I learned that. Maybe he saw that I'd been online. 

It shouldn't matter. We went on one date - I was talking to other people still, and there's no reason to assume that he was or wasn't, or that it tells anything about his interest in me. But I listened to that voice tell me that there was no way he would like me. I let all my self-doubt, and doubt from others, convince me that because I hadn't heard from him and because he was online - that meant he wasn't interested. 

Shame on you, GGS - you know better.

This is such bad dating behavior. Like fellow blogger Cali Bradshaw wrote here, you need patience, faith and courage to be a good dater - and I forgot all three. He'd told me he wanted to go out with me again - but I still lost faith because I didn't have an answer right now - no patience, either. As far as courage goes - it would have taken a lot of courage for me to just wait it out - but of course, I didn't. 

So what did I do? To be continued....

Spring cleaning

We clean everything this time of year, don't we? Closets, cupboards, garages, gardens....the list keeps going. We try to shed clutter and debt and extra weight.

If you're single, I guess now is also the perfect time to take stock of your dating habits, figure out what you should keep - and get rid of those that aren't working.

I found this list at the How About We....? dating blog. I have to say I agree - mostly.
I was just saying to a friend this past weekend that I don't like "the hunt." I am more comfortable in a relationship; I value the familiarity and comfort of knowing with whom I'm going to be. Like I said to her - I like dating, but I'm tired of going on first dates. I want to get past that stage - I just can't seem to get there.

That makes me In the past, that has made me prone to settling. After Big, and especially after 28-Year-Old, I decided that was not going to happen again. After Crush, I learned that I want butterflies, and won't settle for anything less. As a result, I have fairly high standards - or am, as some people say, too picky.

But I don't judge a book by its cover. For example, my date from last week is a student. I wasn't able to glean from our email conversations whether that was a full-time situation, or if he also worked. That made me nervous, and in the past it might have caused me to resist an actual date. But this time, I decided to give it a chance, and see how it turned out - and I'm glad I did.

I don't believe that the bar can ever be set "too high." I think the bar can be set inappropriately - that women (and men) can focus on the wrong things. But to say someone sets a bar too high, or is too picky, or whatever, suggests that she should settle. That she should relax, even on things that are important to her. I disagree. I think it's important that every woman realize that she should not be afraid to find that guy who is perfect for her.

"Some people are settling down, some people are just settling. I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." Sex and the City

Quiet - STAT!

Turns out - I have a lot to learn about reading people.

Also turns out - my ex was right...again. I find that very annoying. I'd be even more annoyed if his being right didn't work in my favor.

So, because I was thinking that my date wasn't interested, I, of course, had to email him - just so I knew for sure that I was completely up front and honest. I sent a very brief email - thanks for the movie, I had a nice time, would like to do it again. Done.

He emailed me back a little while later and said he had a lot of fun, and would like to go out again - and was I free next weekend?

Most unexpected.

Now, of course, the real battle begins - with my own self-esteem and trust issues. Because every time he acts like he likes me, there will be a little voice in my head that says, "Yeah, but Big did stuff like that, too." Everytime I let myself believe it's going well or he's attracted, I'll remember, "Yeah, but 28-Year-Old said the same thing once." If it turns out that he's not interested, I'll think, "See - they were right."

Stop. It.

I need to remember that just because they behaved one way even though they felt another - that doesn't mean every guy will do the same. I need to get it through my head that just because they didn't think I was pretty doesn't mean another guy won't - and it damn sure doesn't mean they were right.

I think sometimes that's my biggest dating challenge - getting out of my own way. Because if it's not this guy, it was the last, or will be the next. I'm always letting myself believe that little voice that reminds me what other people think - and tells me that, not only are they right, but everyone must agree.

I need to quiet that voice. STAT.

Deja vu - all over again

After Crush, I did that thing where you just go looking to meet a guy - any guy. Since I'm about as far from being a bar rat as one can possibly be, I stuck with what I know: dating websites. I started trolling profiles and sending out "Hi, how are you?" type emails.

Suddenly, it occurred to me...I've been here before. This is where I was right before I met Big. In fact, sending out hundreds dozens bunches of emails was how I met Big. Now, a year and a half later, here I am, doing the same thing. Again.

But is it really the same? When I met Big, I was bummed. I'd just gotten rejected by my "transitional guy" following my divorce. I was filled with emotion, not just from that relationship - but also from my marriage. I was still in that place where I felt like I needed a boyfriend; I was still making excuses and not dealing with life.

That's all changed. This time, I am not only dealing with life - I'm living it. I'm making changes, making friends, and having fun. I have plans and goals and I'm happy - without a guy. Sure, I'd love to meet someone - but I'm looking for someone who fits my life, not someone to fit my life around.

So maybe I'm not just spinning my wheels. Maybe the trick is to embrace experiences for what they are, rather than trying to turn them into something else, and feeling disappointed when they don't measure up.

"Things do not change; we change." Henry David Thoreau

My Resume

Inspiration courtesy of this post at Simply Solo....a blog I highly recommend.

**************

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to apply for the job of Z's partner and soul mate. Enclosed you will find my resume, which highlights my most recent and relevant experience.

While it's true that this role is slightly different than what I have done in the past, I believe that my skills will transfer nicely. I think you will find that my research and experience will make me a valuable addition to Z's life.

Please feel free to review my resume, and contact me with any questions. I appreciate your time and attention and look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Girl's Got Shine

**************

Girl's Got Shine

girlsgotshine@gmail.com

Blog

Twitter

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Objective:

My objective is an opportunity to be Z's partner and soul mate. I am interested in being someone's equal; I am not looking to be taken care of, nor am I looking to be responsible for anyone else. I am an independent, self-sufficient person and am looking for the same. I would bring my own style to this role, and expect the same from Z. There is no reason that either of us should need to change. If  we are truly a good fit, our styles should blend nicely with only minimal effort. 

Experience and Strengths:

October 2010-Present

Single Woman; Dater Extraordinaire; Fighter of Cooties

Following a year-long "relationship," I entered the single world with a new found sense of self. I've dated several men, including a gamer and a much younger guy. I allowed myself to indulge in a bad-boy crush. I also took a brief sabbatical from dating, in order to better understand myself, my past experiences and mistakes, and cultivate lessons from each.

I have also taken the time to develop my own life. I have friends, family, work and hobbies that keep me fulfilled and busy. I am no longer looking for someone to complete my life, as it is already full and happy. Consequently, I am lower maintenance than most; more focused on honesty and less on games, and therefore easier to work with.

October 2009 - October 2010

Partner in a mutually interested, monogamous non-relationship

Later described as "two people just spending time together as friends," this year-long relationship taught me a lot. Most prominantly, that I had a tendency to use relationships as an excuse to avoid making difficult, yet positive and necessary, life changes. Also that I was geared so much towards pleasing others that I would tend to put their feelings, wants and needs first, even at the expense of my own happiness.

I am pleased to say that in the months following this relationship, I was able to look back with a more objective point of view, and learn quite a bit. With the help of some wonderful friends, I have grown and developed my own life and personality in a way that would make me an asset in any new role.

March 2009 - September 2009

Friend with Benefits; Occasional Date; Dating Novice

Following a heart-breaking divorce, I jumped into the dating scene. In hindsight, I may have done so too quickly, but I did take away valuable lessons from the experience. After a discussion in which it was determined he "saw as more as friends," I allowed myself to become a friend with benefits. I later admitted this was more in an effort to keep the relationship going. I prefer to focus on the positives of that experience, and the fact that I learned my limits in terms of relationships.

Forever before that

Wife

I was a wife longer than I've been single. I married young, but was completely in love and knew exactly what I was doing. I do not view my marriage as a mistake, but rather something that lived its life, and ended. We grew apart as a couple, but not as friends. To this day, he is one of my best friends and someone who I trust more than most.

I learned a lot from the marriage that will help me in future roles. I know the importance of a man-cave; I respect the fact that people need their own space and time alone; I do not ever tell anyone what to do or where to be - and will do plenty on my own; I learned, and can discuss, baseball and know enough about football to pass for conversation.

Weaknesses (or strengths, depending on perspective):

I can be too independent at times

I am very busy

I am reluctant to make room in my life for just anyone

I am still occasionally insecure

I expect to be treated as well as I treat others

I am looking for someone who wants to be with me, and is not doing so out of obligation or to pass the time

I will not settle

References:

X

G

Big
Mr. 28-Year-Old

Crush

Bet you're wondering....

Are you wondering what happened with Crush?

You can catch up by reading the Love is Jeopardy posts here, there, then here and finally there.

Or, if you prefer the Readers' Digest Version:

I asked if he would want to get together, and he said yes. When I brought up the weekend, he said he had plans. He volunteered that it was a date without me asking. Then he mentioned he saw me online on the dating website. I was feeling mixed signals (Why mention the date if he was interested, but why ask about the site if he wasn't?) so I sent a message and just flat-out said I was interested.

His response was that he likes me - but doesn't think he has romantic-type feelings for me. Said he felt that he was being terse, but has been led on by others and did not want to do the same. He also said he's been told before that he's hard to read, which surprises him since he holds nothing back.

I could probably help him understand that, but will only do so if he asks for some friendly input.

Here's my thing: I don't mind that he's not interested in me. Sure, it sucks never being "good enough." And no, that doesn't mean I'm going all woe-is-me or letting him take any shine away. I think it's fair to admit that's how it feels at first - then we recover. 


It's just not meant to be. When it's right, it will be effortless. The truth is, there was a lot that could have made us incompatible, and sometimes people are removed from our life to protect, not hurt. What if I kept getting more and more invested, and things kept progressing - and he did turn out to be another Big, and just pulled the rug out from underneath me? Or what if we both got more invested, and then one of the external factors forced us apart? I learned a good lesson - I got to feel butterflies (even if they weren't mutual).

I know all that's true. Sometimes I just wish that until it is meant to be, the universe (and cupid) would just leave me alone.

But then, I suppose, we couldn't learn the lessons.

Love is Jeopardy - Part Three

You can read part one here and part two here....

*****************

Best guy friend said, "It sounds like Crush could be another Big." 

Meaning only half invested, while I put my whole self into the relationship. Meaning he has demons and baggage that will keep him from investing himself and being honest. Meaning that I should have learned this lesson already; if I jump back in and get hurt, I have no one to blame but myself.

All very true. But the biggest lesson I learned (pun intended) about relationships is to be honest with the person, and myself. That game-playing isn't for me. That losing always sucks, but I can handle it better if I know it was an honest loss, and not something I blew because I played the game wrong.

Guy friend asked me to read my texts again, pretending that it was a friend texting me. (Excellent advice, by the way, and I hate admitting that since guy friend is also my ex.) Truthfully - if a friend told me the same story, I'd tell her to run. Then I'd take her phone and laptop away so she couldn't contact him.

But that's from the outside looking in. Life's not always that simple, which I've learned the hard way. Sometimes, you can't keep the wall up. Sometimes, you have to put yourself, and your heart, on the line and risk it being broken.

Walls are great at keeping out the hurt. The problem is, they also keep out the happy. So I think every now and then, you need to let the wall down, just so you won't forget how.

Even guy friend admitted....

The heart wants what it wants.

(Link) View more Tv Theme Songs Sound Clips and Jeopardy Sound Clips

What I've learned: Butterflies

I've talked about butterflies before. I'll be honest - I really thought I'd found them with Big. I once described him as someone who made me happy just by being around, who was the first person I thought to call with good or bad news, and who I often couldn't wait to see.

But...I think there might have been something missing. I think my feelings for Big developed over time - which is great, don't get me wrong. But there was no initial "spark." You know, that out-of-the-gate feeling that makes you catch your breath just a little, and keeps you smiling for days?

I'll be honest - I never had that with 28 Year Old, either. I liked him - a lot. But it was never an intense attraction, or an I-can't-wait-to-see-him sorta thing. Thing is - since I hadn't felt it before, I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I thought the spark, or attraction or whatever you want to call it, was something that just built over time for me.

Until I felt it with Crush. We went on a date last week, and the minute I saw him - I felt it. It was even more intense when his knee brushed mine, or my hand brushed his arm. A-ma-zing.

I don't know what's going to happen with Crush. But I have learned this: That feeling isn't something I'll ever do without again.

Crush, profiles...and other updates

When things ended with Big, I thought I'd just jump right back into the whole dating thing because...well, because I couldn't imagine being happy without having a guy in my life.

Since then, I've learned that guys and happiness aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, it's better to find a guy who fits your happy than to try and create your happy around a guy. That's what I've been trying to do - and honestly - it's worked.

I tried the online-dating thing, having had success with that in the past. This time - not so much, as some people predicted. But the breakup also taught me to take what I know and build communities from there. What do I know? Twitter and blogging - which, it turns out, are excellent ways to not only meet truly great friends, but also "interests." Crush is back. (OK, OK - I may have the jumped the gun in thinking he was blowing me off.) I'm proceeding with cautious optimism, realizing it may be we are only meant to be friends. Only time will tell.

That being said - I'm less and less interested in "searching" for a guy. Seems that life can take some funny turns if you let it - without using a search function to steer. The way Crush and I met is so cool - and it seems like it's a better way to find someone - at least right now. Between that, some family drama and the new happy I'm building for myself - I see myself going on fewer dates.

Which is an issue - for a dating blog. But, it was recently pointed out to me that this blog is skewed. For example, in the Best of the Worst, I talk about the horrors of guys' online dating profiles. But (and I'm speculating here) ladies' profiles are probably just as horrific, no? I aim to answer that question. Starting this week, we'll be checking out the best of the worst - male and female editions.

I also want to clarify that the best of the worst posts are not intended as a way to make fun of people. If I wanted to do that - I'd share with you where I find them, their user name, etc. I intend it as a fun way of looking at profiles that have flaws - and maybe pointing out some things that could be done to make improvements. If it's not received that way - I'm sorry.

Why am I telling you all this? Possibly because it's late and I'm tired. But I also want to prepare you for fewer posts. Possibly three (maybe four, sometimes) a week, instead of my usual. Plus, you can check out my new tumblr for mini-posts and of course follow me on twitter for micro-mini posts.

Stick with me, folks - this is sure to get interesting.