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"Maybe it's a case of bad timing." 

That's what a friend suggested about this guy I recently met. About a month after we started seeing each other, he suffered a significant personal loss. It would have been a test to any relationship, never mind one that was brand new.

The thing is - I don't believe in bad timing. I believe that when a relationship is meant to happen, there isn't anything that can stand in the way. If we were meant to be together, that situation would have drawn us closer together, not put a wedge in between.

It's the same as "the one who got away" - that's just a myth. If that person was meant to be in your future, he would be. Even if you made a mistake that caused him to "get away" I still believe that just means it wasn't meant to be. If it was - there isn't anything you could have done to chase him away.

So, GGS, if there's no such thing as bad timing or mistakes, why do so many singles meet, fall in love, fail, and then grieve the loss of the relationship?

My answer? Because it's hard to accept that we invested in something that wasn't meant to last

forever. It's difficult to admit we may have misjudged a person or a situation, and believed it was more than it was. It's hard to be wrong.

We'd rather blame it on timing or circumstance or even a huge blunder.

If you trust in God - or cupid, or the universe, or destiny or whoever you like - and the plan for your life, then it follows that when things don't work out, it's not because of a mistake. It's because those things don't fit in your plan.

This small moment of sadness and hurt will pass. Eventually, when the big picture comes together, you'll realize why it wouldn't have been right for you.

It's not you, it's me (except it's really you)

"You deserve so much better than me."

Complete hooey.

A line like this, and its many variations, is really just a nice way of saying that you're just not into that other person.

I don't mind telling you that I've heard this plenty of times - from great guys as well as not-so-great guys. The one thing they all had in common was none of them really wanted to date me.

It's easy to believe the not-so-great guys might think they're not quite good enough. The thing is, self-centered and selfish people are usually not capable of admitting their flaws. So when a guy who has always been all about himself suddenly realizes he may have made a mistake - I'm skeptical.

Personally, I think this line is an attempt to lay guilt on the other person. The guy seeks to make the woman feel responsible for him being down on himself. The guilt-trip is a great way to manipulate her into accepting responsibility for the problem. Either he'll get her to take him back, or he'll get her to walk away. Both absolve him of any real responsibility.

Do I think every case of a guy apologizing is an attempt to manipulate? Of course not. I think you can tell when a person is being sincere, because that humility doesn't just materialize out of nowhere. If a guy has always been upfront, honest, and willing to take responsibility, chances are his realization is sincere. What he's really saying - even if he doesn't know it - is he's just not that into you.

But if a guy is always about himself, focused on getting himself out of trouble, or making excuses for things he's said and done - he has not suddenly come to the conclusion he could be a better guy.

Both of these guys are right about one thing - you definitely deserve a guy who absolutely adores you, is 100% into you, and isn't afraid to say so. Any guy who isn't all of those things really isn't good enough for you.

Love and math

Last week, I came across this Buzzfeed article about Chis McKinlay, a doctoral candidate who did his dissertation on a data harvesting and statistical experiment to help himself find a date on OKCupid. McKinlay used fake profiles to determine which profile questions to answer on the site's match questions, to increase his matches with women in his target profile. 

It worked for him - he ended up finding a future wife and wrote a book.

I read another article (that I can't for the life of me find now) that pointed out the flaw in this plan. Love doesn't work the way statistics work. The article compared the predictability of individual responses to questions to flipping a coin. No matter how many times you flip a coin, the odds of head vs tails is still 50/50. The results don't get easier to predict based on history. 

It's the same way with dating. You can't predict how two people will interact based on their responses to canned questions. Romance is about personalities and connections, not statistics. 

The biggest mistake people make when it comes to online dating is assuming that everyone is looking for true love. Of course, there are plenty of people on dating sites who are looking for a relationship - but they join the site hoping to meet people. After all, you have to meet new people if you're going to find that one true love.

It's true that every date has just as much chance of going bad as the date before. It's also true that if you never go on any first dates, you'll never go on your last first date. Some people come by dates easily in person - they have a wide circle of single friends, and a reason to network in person. 

Others use online dating sites to increase their chances of going on a first date that will actually lead to a second. This guy didn't hack his way into true love - but he did use statistics as a way to increase his number of dates and ultimately get a date with that person.

Love may not be a numbers game - but dating is. 

Truth bites

I wonder - often - why men just disappear. I get that things change. Feelings or circumstances can shift whenever, especially when two people have just met or a relationship is new.

What I've never understood is why people don't just say something. Call, send an email - mail a letter, even! - and just say, hey, sorry but things have changed. Take care.

I have always thought it might be because the guy doesn't want to deal with the unpleasant conversation. He doesn't want to have to hurt the woman's (OK, my) feelings. Maybe he doesn't want to deal with her getting upset or crying or asking him to explain.

Which honestly, in most cases, wouldn't happen. I can't be the only woman who doesn't always care for an explanation - I figure at best, it'll only be part of the story, anyway. Most of the time, my feelings are a little hurt - but not enough to pursue an explanation. I'm certainly not going to try and talk someone into dating me.

Then the other day, during an email conversation on this topic, it occurred to me:

Maybe that's the real concern?

Maybe some guys realize that they are not actually the center of a woman's universe. Maybe some realize that if they pull away, she might just let him go. They just might realize that if they aren't into her...maybe she feels the same.

Maybe that's what they don't want to face?

I'm thinking it's a mixture. Some guys don't want to tell the truth. Some guys don't want to hear the truth....

...and some guys wouldn't know the truth if it bit them.

Badge of courage

Since November 2010, I've written 712 posts. Some of them have been about smiles and laughs - but there have been quite a few more that were about bad dates or tough lessons.

712 posts is a lot of tears, and a lot of lessons.

Recently, I met yet another guy who said he really liked me...and it turned out he did not. I caught myself in the middle of a little pity-party the other night, thinking about all the times I've been misled, lied to, or hurt.

I found myself wondering why some women seem to have it better. They meet men more quickly, find guys who really like them, and even find relationships much more easily.

So what's wrong with me? I wondered.

But that really is the wrong question.

Everyone's path is different. Meeting guys quickly, or finding relationships easily is simply not part of my journey - and that's OK. I just need to have faith that my path will get me to the right place, in the right time.

Which is fine - but sometimes I still wonder, why does my path have to include so many tears?

The answer is, because I trust. I give people the chance to hurt me.

It's tempting to take that opportunity away - to stop dating, or stop trusting. In some ways, it almost feels that would be the smarter, stronger thing. Toughen up, and stop allowing my feelings to be hurt.

But I don't think that's the answer. There's nothing brave or strong about walking away from a challenge. There is no honor in avoiding the hurt. Honor is found in working through the hurt.

If it's true that courage is the triumph over fear, and not its absence, then maybe the real courage in dating isn't to walk away.

Maybe it's learning to shed the tears, and wear the lessons like a badge of courage, as you keep moving forward.

Full moon

I'm fascinated by the phases of the moon, and all they seem to affect. That may be because I'm a Cancer...or maybe just because I'm an odd duck.

Thankfully, there's a phenomena in my life that signals when a full moon is coming. That way I also know when I should expect the printer to stop working and my wifi to go wonky.

It's when the guys come out of the black hole.

I swear, it's like clockwork. One day my phone is quiet, my calendar is empty, and I'm hanging with my cat. The next day, my phone is blowing up - texts and emails and phone calls from guys circling back, to see "what's up? "

On the one hand - this is an annoyance. Clearly, things are not going anywhere with these men. I can't even trust them enough to be friends, making the conversations nothing more than a huge waste of time.

Except, in a weird way, I find these usual suspects reassuring. They annoy me, yes - but they also give me hope.

The fact that they come back reminds me that no matter how final something might seem - few things really are. You never know how things will change. Where you are right now is not where you'll likely be in a few months, or even weeks.

That's a very comforting thought, when things aren't going so well.

I realize I can't put much stock in these men. The fact that they walk away proves we don't have the connection I want. I'd like to think that the fact that they keep coming back means they're drawn to me...but I know it most likely means they have very little respect for me.

But I'd much rather focus on the positives from these full moon regulars. At least that way they're good for something.

Not the girlfriend

So, Engineer is getting married next month (yay!). He invited me with a "plus one." At first, I wasn't going to bring a date. Going solo wouldn't bother me. I'd just chat and make friends with my table-mates.

But it's a formal affair, with dinner and dancing - and no one I know. The more I thought, the more I felt it might be more fun with a date.

The thing is - I'm not at the "wedding date stage" with anyone at the moment (remember - timing is everything). It would be relationship suicide for me to invite someone who might not show up, anyway. If you think I'm tough on people who cancel on me, you don't want to see what I'd do to someone who canceled on my friend.

So - I invited Trooper.

For those keeping track, or if you're new around here - yes, I'm taking a guy I used to date to the wedding of another guy I used to date.

The thing is- Trooper will be a great date. He'll be on time, he looks absolutely phenomenal in a suit (and knows to wear one). He'll open doors, pull out chairs, and help me with my coat. He's met Engineer, and is super-fun at a party. He might even dance with me.

He even responded to the invitation perfectly. He thanked me for inviting him, and said he'd love to go. No one is ever that enthusiastic about hanging out with me - and definitely not for something like a wedding.

I thought to myself, wouldn't it be nice to meet a guy who would respond that way? I mean, one who wants to date me. They're never that nice.

Then it occurred to me - that's probably one of the main reasons Trooper was so cool. It's not a "date" since we're just friends. No date means no pressure. Since I'm not his girlfriend, he's free to say no. That freedom makes everything more pleasant.

Of course, dating takes away some of that freedom. A guy who is in a relationship feels obligated to say yes, to keep his girlfriend/wife happy. But what does that say about dating? That it's a series of unpleasant obligations, done so that you don't have to meet new people?

What about my hope, to meet The One? A guy who will be nice to me, even when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want? I'd have better luck finding a leprechaun to lead me to his pot of gold.

I suppose there is always the possibility that nice guys exist. Even when we dated, Trooper was a good guy (but don't tell him I said so).

If I found one, perhaps another isn't too much to ask.