The part I don't understand

I had a post all ready to go about this guy and how he's sort of got that "bad boy" thing going, and how attractive that is - even though I know better.

But then something happened....

I messaged him the other night and casually mentioned that he "owe's me a drink." His response?

<crickets>

Yes, that's right. He just ignored it; no, "Hey I can't talk right now," to indicate he is still interested. Not even, "You know, I was thinking, maybe we shouldn't do that," to let me know he is not. Just - silence.

I truly do get not being interested; I do. I also know it's a tough conversation - one I've certainly never gone out of my way to have. If I'm not interested in someone, I'm always more than happy to just let them fade away.

I guess the difference is that I'd never just ignore someone - if they reach out to me, I'm going to respond. Even if it means I have to be uncomfortable. I would also never say to someone that I thought we should get together, only to shut them down. If you don't really want to get together with someone, or be friends, or date, or whatever - why ask?

That's the part I just don't understand.

Lock & Key - Not left out

Like I said, the lock & key party brought me straight back to high school dances - where I was always left out.

That's an awful feeling. Indescribably awful. My nerves were so bad that the afternoon of the party - I almost bailed. Then an awesome friend tweeted some encouragement: Look at it this way - you're going to find you and for blog fodder; they're going to get lucky. You win.

So I went. Like I said, I was also keeping a promise to a new friend who, it turned out, was even more nervous than I. Knowing I wasn't actually there to find a guy, and that I wasn't the most nervous and least confident - actually empowered me.

I've read that a confident woman is immediately more attractive. I've also read that when you're not looking for a guy, you tend to find one. I put those theories to the test that night. Turns out - there's some truth to both.

Among suit guy, and the guys who made some serious social faux-pas, there was one very nice guy. We had a lot of fun chatting; we seemed to have a few things in common; and he had just the right amount of confidence-not-cockiness.

He asked if we could get together that weekend - which didn't really work for me. We did exchange phone numbers, and have messaged/texted a few times. No real plans have been made, and I honestly don't know if they ever will be. Still - it was nice not to be left out of the dance this time. Maybe it gave me the confidence I needed to recognize another opportunity? I'm not sure.

But it seems like sometimes, all you need is that extra boost.

Wish you were here?

Leave it to Cute~Ella to find a whole blog post in a postcard....

Now THAT'S a bag of hair....

Is it a date?

I consider myself a very forward, take-charge kinda lady. And by forward, take-charge - I, of course, mean impatient.

It's a real issue for me to "wait" for a guy to ask me out. Partly because of the aforementioned impatience. Mostly because it feels like a game - and I don't play games.

This being the case, it was really tough for me to take my friend's advice and let Crush ask me out. But I really was interested to see what would happen if I "played the part" - meaning I flirted and hinted, but didn't actually ask. 

We chatted several more times after that first night - conversations ranged from flirtatious to serious to deep. I found myself thinking about him often - and smiling. A lot.

I'd about had it Saturday night, when I met a friend for dinner. We were catching up and when I filled her in, her opinion was that it would be okay to just say to him that I enjoy our conversations online, and ask if he'd like to meet sometime - you know, take the online conversation offline? We agreed keeping it casual was best, and I went home that night totally prepared to send him a message and just see what happened.

Turns out - I didn't have to.

Long story short - he asked me to share a You Tube video he'd made, I did, we went back and forth for a while, and eventually, he said, "At the very least, I think I owe you a drink." 

Hmmm.....?

I surveyed several friends, guys and gals, and everyone seems to be in agreement that this was his way of asking for a date. Only time will tell. But for now - I'm smiling.

Check, please

It seems like everyone's been sharing their two cents lately about who should pay for dates. I figured I should get in on the action. I may even share a whole nickel worth.

I'm into romance and feeling special and old-fashioned chivalry as much as the next independent, self-sufficient, pseudo-modern woman. So I like when a guy pays for me; it makes me feel special, and like he really does like me. On a first date, I feel like it's his way of saying he wants there to be a second date. Which is kind of what I think Cali Bradshaw was trying to say here - that women, no matter what you've heard, do like to be pampered.

I really don't think that should come as news to anyone.

Thing is...I don't like the old-fashioned feeling that a lady owes a guy something because he paid. I sure as hell don't want to owe anyone anything! So, I'll admit that if I don't want a second date - I am inclined to offer to pay on the first. Or at least split the check. I think on some level, I feel that by letting him pay, I'm saying I do owe him something - another date. Plus, I'll admit - I feel bad making a guy pay, knowing it's not going anywhere.

Turns out - I might not be alone in that thinking. I came across this article via the magic of twitter just a day after reading Cali's post. Interesting.

So, what are my guidelines? Truth be told...

• If he requested the date, I expect he'll pay.
• If I requested the date, I expect to pay.
• If he wants a second date, I do expect he'll offer, because most guys do. That's not a deal-breaker.
• If I expect he's going to pay, I try to not to order something too crazy (price-wise). 
• I always make sure I'm in a position to pay the bill. 
• I always offer to pay (unless he beats me to it, and doing so is awkward) - and I'm always sincere. 
• I don't like splitting the bill; that makes it feel too much like a business transaction. 

What do you think? Who should pay, and when?

Lock & Key - Smart guy

Remember those guys I was telling you about, who practically insulted me to my face at the lock & key party? Well, I believe in giving credit where it's due, so - I gotta tell you that one of them did something I thought was very smart, and very, very impressive.

If you recall, a comment was made by one of the guys about Suit Guy, and a couple of the women (myself included) explained that women aren't really all that impressed by that sort of thing.

This is a unique opportunity. It was later in the evening; pretty obvious that none of us were interested in each other - so we really just a group of new friends talking. These guys had the perfect segue and opportunity to ask a couple of single women what we really do look for.

One of them took it.

So, we told them. Women like smart, nice, confident men. We like men who are honest; who are polite; who are funny. Who are natural, and who don't try too hard. Are looks and money really a factor? No. (Not that there aren't women out there focused on those things; just that they're not in the majority.)


And I explained that if he was going to meet women online, he needed to spell-check his profile and make sure that when he sends an email, it includes no typos, grammatical errors or "text talk." Then I got down off my soap-box.

What would you have told this guy if he asked what you look for in men?

Rule Book

The other day, while pondering this situation, it occurred to me that pondering might not really be necessary. I decided I needed a guy's perspective on whether or not Crush was actually showing any interest. So, I asked the only guy on earth I trust - my ex. I gave him the short version and asked his opinion on what the whole thing might mean.

My ex said no, Crush probably isn't interested. That once a guy, even a shy one, has gotten up the nerve to say hello, he will not walk away without getting a date, or at least planting that seed. He said I need to let Crush come to me. He says that's how I weed out the jerks from the nice guys; the ones who are willing to put in the effort are the ones that really like me.

Care to guess my response to that? Something along the lines of, well practically every date I ever had with Big was his doing - and he still walked away, saying he was never attracted to me, never thought of me as more than a friend, and that it was all my doing.

I think Ex mighta taken one for the team, as it were, which I did not intend. I apologized, though the story did make my cousin giggle.

I think a truly nice guy is one that would just know what he wants - and it wouldn't matter how it happened. Who cares who initiates the conversation, or asks for the first date? Shouldn't the point be that you've met this person, you're interested - and now you'll get a chance to see where it goes? Why does it always have to be a game with men? Who's in charge, who's setting the pace - what is that?

The truth is - I'm happy to play by whatever rule book anyone wants. I just wish they'd stop all the rewrites.