The part I don't understand

I had a post all ready to go about this guy and how he's sort of got that "bad boy" thing going, and how attractive that is - even though I know better.

But then something happened....

I messaged him the other night and casually mentioned that he "owe's me a drink." His response?

<crickets>

Yes, that's right. He just ignored it; no, "Hey I can't talk right now," to indicate he is still interested. Not even, "You know, I was thinking, maybe we shouldn't do that," to let me know he is not. Just - silence.

I truly do get not being interested; I do. I also know it's a tough conversation - one I've certainly never gone out of my way to have. If I'm not interested in someone, I'm always more than happy to just let them fade away.

I guess the difference is that I'd never just ignore someone - if they reach out to me, I'm going to respond. Even if it means I have to be uncomfortable. I would also never say to someone that I thought we should get together, only to shut them down. If you don't really want to get together with someone, or be friends, or date, or whatever - why ask?

That's the part I just don't understand.

Lock & Key - Not left out

Like I said, the lock & key party brought me straight back to high school dances - where I was always left out.

That's an awful feeling. Indescribably awful. My nerves were so bad that the afternoon of the party - I almost bailed. Then an awesome friend tweeted some encouragement: Look at it this way - you're going to find you and for blog fodder; they're going to get lucky. You win.

So I went. Like I said, I was also keeping a promise to a new friend who, it turned out, was even more nervous than I. Knowing I wasn't actually there to find a guy, and that I wasn't the most nervous and least confident - actually empowered me.

I've read that a confident woman is immediately more attractive. I've also read that when you're not looking for a guy, you tend to find one. I put those theories to the test that night. Turns out - there's some truth to both.

Among suit guy, and the guys who made some serious social faux-pas, there was one very nice guy. We had a lot of fun chatting; we seemed to have a few things in common; and he had just the right amount of confidence-not-cockiness.

He asked if we could get together that weekend - which didn't really work for me. We did exchange phone numbers, and have messaged/texted a few times. No real plans have been made, and I honestly don't know if they ever will be. Still - it was nice not to be left out of the dance this time. Maybe it gave me the confidence I needed to recognize another opportunity? I'm not sure.

But it seems like sometimes, all you need is that extra boost.

Wish you were here?

Leave it to Cute~Ella to find a whole blog post in a postcard....

Now THAT'S a bag of hair....

Is it a date?

I consider myself a very forward, take-charge kinda lady. And by forward, take-charge - I, of course, mean impatient.

It's a real issue for me to "wait" for a guy to ask me out. Partly because of the aforementioned impatience. Mostly because it feels like a game - and I don't play games.

This being the case, it was really tough for me to take my friend's advice and let Crush ask me out. But I really was interested to see what would happen if I "played the part" - meaning I flirted and hinted, but didn't actually ask. 

We chatted several more times after that first night - conversations ranged from flirtatious to serious to deep. I found myself thinking about him often - and smiling. A lot.

I'd about had it Saturday night, when I met a friend for dinner. We were catching up and when I filled her in, her opinion was that it would be okay to just say to him that I enjoy our conversations online, and ask if he'd like to meet sometime - you know, take the online conversation offline? We agreed keeping it casual was best, and I went home that night totally prepared to send him a message and just see what happened.

Turns out - I didn't have to.

Long story short - he asked me to share a You Tube video he'd made, I did, we went back and forth for a while, and eventually, he said, "At the very least, I think I owe you a drink." 

Hmmm.....?

I surveyed several friends, guys and gals, and everyone seems to be in agreement that this was his way of asking for a date. Only time will tell. But for now - I'm smiling.

Check, please

It seems like everyone's been sharing their two cents lately about who should pay for dates. I figured I should get in on the action. I may even share a whole nickel worth.

I'm into romance and feeling special and old-fashioned chivalry as much as the next independent, self-sufficient, pseudo-modern woman. So I like when a guy pays for me; it makes me feel special, and like he really does like me. On a first date, I feel like it's his way of saying he wants there to be a second date. Which is kind of what I think Cali Bradshaw was trying to say here - that women, no matter what you've heard, do like to be pampered.

I really don't think that should come as news to anyone.

Thing is...I don't like the old-fashioned feeling that a lady owes a guy something because he paid. I sure as hell don't want to owe anyone anything! So, I'll admit that if I don't want a second date - I am inclined to offer to pay on the first. Or at least split the check. I think on some level, I feel that by letting him pay, I'm saying I do owe him something - another date. Plus, I'll admit - I feel bad making a guy pay, knowing it's not going anywhere.

Turns out - I might not be alone in that thinking. I came across this article via the magic of twitter just a day after reading Cali's post. Interesting.

So, what are my guidelines? Truth be told...

• If he requested the date, I expect he'll pay.
• If I requested the date, I expect to pay.
• If he wants a second date, I do expect he'll offer, because most guys do. That's not a deal-breaker.
• If I expect he's going to pay, I try to not to order something too crazy (price-wise). 
• I always make sure I'm in a position to pay the bill. 
• I always offer to pay (unless he beats me to it, and doing so is awkward) - and I'm always sincere. 
• I don't like splitting the bill; that makes it feel too much like a business transaction. 

What do you think? Who should pay, and when?

Lock & Key - Smart guy

Remember those guys I was telling you about, who practically insulted me to my face at the lock & key party? Well, I believe in giving credit where it's due, so - I gotta tell you that one of them did something I thought was very smart, and very, very impressive.

If you recall, a comment was made by one of the guys about Suit Guy, and a couple of the women (myself included) explained that women aren't really all that impressed by that sort of thing.

This is a unique opportunity. It was later in the evening; pretty obvious that none of us were interested in each other - so we really just a group of new friends talking. These guys had the perfect segue and opportunity to ask a couple of single women what we really do look for.

One of them took it.

So, we told them. Women like smart, nice, confident men. We like men who are honest; who are polite; who are funny. Who are natural, and who don't try too hard. Are looks and money really a factor? No. (Not that there aren't women out there focused on those things; just that they're not in the majority.)


And I explained that if he was going to meet women online, he needed to spell-check his profile and make sure that when he sends an email, it includes no typos, grammatical errors or "text talk." Then I got down off my soap-box.

What would you have told this guy if he asked what you look for in men?

Rule Book

The other day, while pondering this situation, it occurred to me that pondering might not really be necessary. I decided I needed a guy's perspective on whether or not Crush was actually showing any interest. So, I asked the only guy on earth I trust - my ex. I gave him the short version and asked his opinion on what the whole thing might mean.

My ex said no, Crush probably isn't interested. That once a guy, even a shy one, has gotten up the nerve to say hello, he will not walk away without getting a date, or at least planting that seed. He said I need to let Crush come to me. He says that's how I weed out the jerks from the nice guys; the ones who are willing to put in the effort are the ones that really like me.

Care to guess my response to that? Something along the lines of, well practically every date I ever had with Big was his doing - and he still walked away, saying he was never attracted to me, never thought of me as more than a friend, and that it was all my doing.

I think Ex mighta taken one for the team, as it were, which I did not intend. I apologized, though the story did make my cousin giggle.

I think a truly nice guy is one that would just know what he wants - and it wouldn't matter how it happened. Who cares who initiates the conversation, or asks for the first date? Shouldn't the point be that you've met this person, you're interested - and now you'll get a chance to see where it goes? Why does it always have to be a game with men? Who's in charge, who's setting the pace - what is that?

The truth is - I'm happy to play by whatever rule book anyone wants. I just wish they'd stop all the rewrites.

Best of the Worst: Lock & Key Edition

When I told friends that I was going to the lock & key party, several questioned the odds of meeting a nice guy at something like this. They thought the guys that did show up wouldn't be worth meeting (too old, too young, too poor, too geeky, too heavy, too thin, too short, too bald, etc., etc.)

Let me be clear that these were other people's stereotypes. I don't believe in stereotypes, and I'm not biased towards any one group of guys. I think they all have cooties.

I met several guys I thought were nice. But there were a couple who were just....not.

At one point, I was sitting at a table with a large group (men and women), where there were several small conversations going on. A couple of guys sitting near me were talking about using online dating sites to meet women. They were both complaining that, when they search for local women in their age group, they can't find any "decent" looking women. Their other complaint was that when they do message a woman, she's rude and doesn't respond.

Here's what's interesting: They were sitting next to me - a woman obviously in their age group, who is also obviously local. If I'm at an event like this, it's a good bet that I'm also online. Maybe I'm not - but they have no way to know for sure. If I am - then they've just insulted me.

If you read this blog regularly, you know I am online. Worse yet, I actually sent a message to one of these guys - which he totally ignored.

Is it wrong you don't find me attractive? Not at all. Is it wrong that you didn't reply to my message when I sent it online? In my opinion, not really.

What is wrong is that you judge others harshly for doing something you do yourself. It's also really poor form to say something in a group setting that could potentially offend someone who is being nothing but kind and polite to you.

By the way, guys? It's also foolish. Because if any "decent" single woman ever asks if I've met you, and if so, what did I think - what do you think my response is going to be?

No-dating zone

Currently, I have a couple of "interests." One is a guy I met online who seems alarmingly normal, and therefore we won't be talking about him. Yet.

The other is a fun story. Let me go back to the beginning.

I was in college; freshman year. There was an upperclassman a bunch of my friends thought was just wonderful. I met him at some party/bar thing, and promptly developed a crush that lasted...well...until my next crush. (What? I was 18!)

A couple of years ago, I was at a birthday party my cousin was throwing for her husband. We all went to the same college; and they'd invited a couple of friends of theirs, also from college. The friends showed up with their cute-as-can-be baby girl. The guy looked familiar; I assumed it was just a vague college connection.

Think I connect those dots? If you do then you clearly don't read this blog regularly. Stick with me, I'm almost there. 

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I connect with another guy from college on twitter. I start following his blog, where he regularly has friends contribute. Who shows up as a guest blogger? My crush from freshman year!

I followed him on twitter; he friended me on facebook. As I often do when I add a new friend, I checked out his profile (I like to see who I know that also knows other people I know - ya know?). Who shows up as a mutual friend? My cousin (the one who had the birthday party).

Yes, she knows him well from college. Yes, he is single - having broken up with the girlfriend he was with the night I met them at the birthday party. (Note to self: I really need to be more observant.) I decide this makes him officially undateable and forget the whole thing.

Then the other night - he opens a facebook chat and we start talking. For like two hours. About work, people, music, etc. He mentions he saw one of my online dating profiles, and we start chatting about being single and dating horror stories.

The next day my cousin announces that he is, in fact, dateable. The friend broke up with him, she and I aren't close anyway, etc.

So what do you think, readers? Dateable? Or am I in a no-dating zone?

Lock & Key - Suit of armor

I told you about the lock & key party, and that I met a few characters. I believe I also promised you some stories....

One of my favorites was Suit Guy. He came in a little later than me, so I didn't notice him until he sat down at a table not far from mine. He was good-looking, and seemed confident. He was well-dressed - though, I noticed he didn't unbutton the suit-jacket, which is unusual, especially when sitting down.
SN: One thing about the fact that I don't approach a lot of people at events like this - I see and hear a lot. I'm quiet, and almost never the center of attention. Sometimes, I think people actually forget I'm there, and maybe let their guard down more than they normally would.

Suit Guy was sitting at a table with a group he obviously knew. But he was seated so that he was almost facing anyone who approached the table, with the chair pointed out. Sort of half facing the table, half facing away. That seemed weird - until I noticed what was happening.

Seated that way, Suit Guy appeared to be inviting women over to him. He was making himself available to anyone who wanted to approach, without actually leaving the table or going off on his own. I also noticed that, as women approached him to see if his key would open their lock - he'd say they had to sit on his lap to find out. And they would.

Interesting.

One of the guys at my table shot Suit Guy a look-to-kill and said, "I hate guys who come to these things dressed like that. It's like women think they're rich or something." The other woman at the table, and I, were quick to dispell that myth. We told him that's actually not true. That women either give a guy like that the benefit of the doubt and assume he just came from work and couldn't change - or we think he's trying too hard.

I'll be honest - I wasn't positive which it was with Suit Guy. At first I assumed he'd just come from work - but the whole lap project seemed like he was trying awfully hard. The guys were convinced all the attention was because of the suit. But in all fairness - it could have been the fact that he was sitting so as to open himself up to the whole room. If anything, I guess I'd wonder if maybe he goes to a lot of these parties, and is a bit of a player?

Something else that was interesting? At the end of the night, he won a pair of movie tickets for a local theater. After all those women paraded over to him and sat on his lap, giggling and touching his arms, etc., etc. - think he invited anyone to the movies? Sure.

The one woman who refused to take a turn on his lap.

Bag of hair

Have you ever seen the movie Fever Pitch? If not, I highly recommend you do. (Though, you may want to skip the last ten minutes or so; an accurate retelling of the 2004 World Series. *shudders*)

There is a scene where Drew Barrymore's character is talking to her friends about how perfect her new boyfriend (Jimmy Fallon) is. Her friend asks what she thinks his "bag of hair" will be. Confused, they all look at the friend as if to say, "A-wha?" She goes on to explain about a woman she knew who was dating a guy who was also perfect - and then she found a bag of hair that he'd been collecting in his closet.

What do you do when you find your new love's 'bag of hair?" I'm not talking about finding out that the guy you love doesn't put the seat down, or leaves the cap off the toothpaste, or isn't good at laundry. We all know that no one is perfect, but those are the kind of things you either over-look because he's so wonderful otherwise - or you don't even notice at all because they're just not important.

I'm talking about learning something about a person that changes your whole perception of who you thought they were. Like, if you met a guy, dated him for a few months - and then found out he lived with his parents, or worked as a male-prostitute or wore brown shoes with a black belt (kidding - sort of).

This obviously comes up when you're dating. When we first meet someone, we put our best foot foward. We try and hide those things that we think might be a turn off, or that we would prefer to only have to explain to someone if it gets serious. So, stuff gets left out of the first date chatter.

I think this comes up even more when you meet people online. The first problem is that everyone assumes that people on a dating site are there for the same purpose; when, in fact, that's not really true. If you're there to find a relationship, it can be quite a bag of hair when you find out the guy you're talking to is only there for an FWB type arrangement.

Some people are really good behind a keyboard. They might appear really smooth, confident and sophisticated in their profile, and even in emails. But in person? Their awkward, lived-with-my-parents-til-I-was-forty self comes shining through. Other people think it's okay to flat-out lie in a profile. So, when you make a date and expect to meet a professional, educated guy with a great sense of humor - it's a huge shock when he shows up wearing a dirty t-shirt, driving a rusted pickup with a pack of cigarettes in his hand.

I find bags of hair all the time. Sometimes, it's little things, like a guy telling me that he can't live without modern communication - and then telling me he only wants to talk on the phone. Other times, it's something more signficant - like a guy saying he's looking for a relationship, only to turn around and ask me if I'm interested in casual sex.

What's the worst bag of hair you've found (online or off)?

Lock & Key - The dance

I learned about a speed dating event from a post on a popular blog where I am a regular reader. I decided it would be fun to attend, figuring that at the very least, it would be something new (and great blog material).

Right after I signed up, the event organizers changed the theme from speed dating to "lock & key." Basically, men got a key and women got a lock (a luggage size padlock). The point was to work the room, looking for the key to your lock - which was the "tool" to meet new people.

This was a more casual, less organized way of meeting people. Definitely appealing to some, especially since speed dating events are usually organized by age group, and there were a lot of people who didn't like that separation. But honestly...

It totally freaked me out.

I don't really do the whole talk-to-a-guy-in-a-bar thing. Situations like this immediately bring me back to high school dances, where I was always left out. This culminated with the grand-daddy of all high school dances - senior prom. I wasn't asked; even worse, a guy-friend basically announced to my friends he'd rather go alone than go with me. (long story; separate post)
I didn't realize it then, but looking back, I think that was my defining moment; when I decided that I'd had enough rejection, and would not be setting myself up for any more. I also think this is probably one reason why I like online-dating so much. The fear of rejection is still there - but it's not as palpable if I know it won't be in person. You'd hope as adults, we wouldn't have to deal with someone saying, "You're just not pretty, " - but we all know the truth about that.

So, I thought the lock & key event might be an excellent way for me to start getting control over some of my fears. The day before the event, another woman asked if any of the single women would be willing to meet up before the event - she wanted a partner in crime. I said I would - adding another layer of accountability. I had no choice but to overcome the fear and go - now someone was counting on me.

I have to say - I was glad I did. There were quite a few people there. Most were very cool, and very nice. Of course there were the characters: the guy who talked about his mom (I think he may have even used the phrase, "like my mom always says..."); the guy who was trying way too hard in his three-piece suit; the guy who barely spoke English; and guys who were just plain awkward.

I'll admit; that made me giggle. But - as I got the chance to talk to more and more people, I found they were all cool and nice in one way or another. I also found that people who don't like to be judged are some of the harshest critics of others. They will all make interesting stories (don't worry, I won't be too mean about it). Keep a look-out for those in the next week or so. And in case you were wondering...

No, I was not completely left out of this dance.

Best of the Worst: Care to see my abs?

He was cute. His profile said he was a professional with a masters degree, and was looking for a relationship. His profile headline read: Are You the One? No kids, no drugs, no smoking, no divorce. His profile was well-written, with capitals and punctuation - I didn't even find one spelling error (and I looked, believe me!). He even admitted that he can be a little dorky, but can also be romantic, and said he preferred to start things slow, get a conversation going, and then take it from there.

He did one of these things where he said he wanted to meet me. (On plenty of fish, this is like a ranking game. I don't really understand it, to be honest.) I didn't approach him first, but since I heard from him, it's okay to respond - so I did. He emailed me back, introduced himself and said he'd like to chat. We exchanged a couple of emails - and on the fourth or fifth, he said to me:

Do you care to see my abs?

Unsure what exactly to do with that, I responded:

Um....no? Just looking to chat and see how things go.

I never heard back from him after that....

*shakes head*

What do you do with that? It's such a tough situation. Some guys just don't know any better; I don't want to be mean or judge harshly - but I also don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable.

I reread his profile, and my thought is that he joined the site looking for casual sex; then stayed thinking it was a way to meet dates, and maybe find something more when he's ready. Nothing wrong with that - but if you're going to approach someone whose profile clearly states she's here for dating and, ultimately, a relationship...

Maybe keep the abs covered for a little while longer.

Big steps

I sucked it up and went to two events last week to which I would normally have said, "no freakin' way."

The first was a Lock & Key party; men got a key; women got a lock. The point was to use that as ice breaker to meet new people. I gotta tell you - that party was veeerrrry interesting. I have at least six posts that I'll put up over the next couple of weeks.

The second was the First Every Bachelor Auction, to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I swore I was just going to support the cause and have some fun (I did both) - but darn it, this guy was really cute. Then he made his entry on a uni-cycle - SOLD!

Except not really, because some lady (whose shoes did not match her outfit - just sayin') out-bid me by $30. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but I was already $50 over my limit, which I didn't even plan on spending in the first place. Damn uni-cycle.

I had a chance to go up and say something to him at the after party, but I have to say - I suck at that kind of thing. I'll tell you a secret... I worry that the guy just won't think I'm pretty. That's intimidating, but believe it or not, it's not my biggest worry. The thing I worry about most is that I will make the guy uncomfortable. He'll either have to pretend to like me, or find a way to get out of talking to me. That would suck for a nice guy.

I probably need to work on that, but for right now, I'm just going to be proud of myself for having gone to both events, having fun and wearing heels for the entire night.

By the way - as I knew she would, the evening's emcee did wonderful. You rock, Amanda!

Yeah, that...

Ever wonder...

• Why a guy would send you the exact same email he already sent you once - as though it's the first time he's contacted you? 
• Who the women are that wouldn't notice that? 
• Why a guy who doesn't know you and owes you nothing would go to the trouble of saying he'd like your phone number so that you could meet - only to not call? Why not just say nothing? 
• Why the same friends who say it's so cool that you're single, and that they think you're awesome for not settling, turn around and settle for guys who treat them poorly, just so they don't have to be alone?
• Who would include the word computer in their user name, and then say they're not much for writing email messages?
• Why guys assume that because you're on a dating website, you are looking for casual sex? There are sites for that if that's what you're looking for.

You know those days when things just don't seem to be going right, and everything seems a little bit more challenging than it should be? Yeah, that....

Just in case

I stumbled on this post about date ideas that are likely to create chemistry.

I used to love shopping dates. It's so random; especially if you're shopping somewhere that has a variety of shops all within walking distance. I went on more than one shopping date with Big - including several where I was Christmas shopping and looking for something specific - and we always had fun.

Another favorite date of mine is a museum. It triggers some fantastic conversation, and is also great for people watching. I'm not big on the idea of group-eating, but the article mentions an us-against-the-world type of mentality - people watching will get that going.

Dinner is a fine dinner idea...but I prefer not to do that for a first date. I've been on those dates where you know within a few minutes that it isn't going anywhere...but there you are, trapped in a booth. No thanks.

Same goes for movies; a perfectly fun idea, but probably not until after you've had  few dates with the guy. There's no real way to get to know anyone in a theater. Though, if you must go to a movie, you can pay attention to where he likes to sit, how early he likes to get there - and his choice in movie snack. All important to know.

If weather is permitting, amusement parks, fairs and festivals can also make a fun date. Something different, a little fun - and maybe you can win him a prize. Plus, if you still like each other after dealing with crowds, walking and over-priced junk food all day - maybe there really is something there.

I might be looking for some date ideas in the near future, so I thought I'd ask....

What are some of your favorite date ideas?

(Not exactly) A Sacrifice

Lent starts today. Can I tell you a secret? I was raised Catholic (even confirmed) but I've never gotten ashes on my forehead. One, because I almost never know when Ash Wednesday is (I only know this year thanks to twitter) and two, because I don't like to mess with my makeup during the day.

Anyway....


My friend was talking about what to give up for Lent, and it got me thinking....what should I do? I don't normally give anything up, but she has a point about it being a good opportunity to kick start some changes.

Since the love cleanse officially ended, I've approached some guys online - even approached a guy I know. Nothing has panned out, and that has hurt my ego a bit. So, I was already considering giving up approaching guys...maybe for another 30 days. Then I saw the post and thought - why not make it 40?

So, as of today - no more asking guys out for this girl. I will keep my profiles active, and I'll still visit the sites and read emails I receive - mostly so I can share them with you as part of the Best of the Worst. I'll also still go to events like the Lock & Key party tonight and the Bachelor Auction (get your tickets yet) on Saturday - those are new for me, so probably a good idea for personal growth.

And blog material.

Best of the Worst: Tigers and wagon wheels

I was a bit depressed this weekend. I went online and sent out a couple of emails - with no responses. Nothing like killing your ego. I quickly recovered, though - and thanks to Sassy for sending hugs and smiles my way.

I did get one email this weekend from a guy who I did not email first. He's precious. I couldn't wait to share.

First of all - he's 49. 49! I am trying to be more open-minded about this whole age thing (in both directions) - but that's quite an age difference. If he was a Palin, he could be my dad.

Also, his profile picture is the classic Myspace photo (taken in front of a mirror). I'm willing to overlook those in some cases; I live alone, so I get it. But reflected in the mirror behind him is a large, white tiger (either on some kind of print or a throw). This did not bode well.

Not wanting to judge unfairly, I opened up his profile detail. The photos only got worse; shirtless, at a trailer with a chainsaw; at a pickup truck in the woods; and in (what I am assuming is) his living room - with a wagon wheel in the background, right next to his wide-screen TV.

Stop laughing. No, seriously....there's more....those are just the pictures.....

The site asks what you do for a living. His response: oun tree service n bounce zee bounce [NO - I'm not making that up!]


I'd share his profile with you, but honestly - it just got worse. All lower-case, no spaces between punctuation, and he misspelled the words "drama" and "goes."

I did not email him back. I cleaned out my closet instead.

To date or not to date....

The guy I mentioned in this post has re-emerged. He caught me on yahoo and started chatting. He asked if maybe we could get together sometime.

He gets points for approaching me first, apologizing for being a little too overbearing that night, and for suggesting we go out and do something, not inviting back over to "hang out."

He came right out and said that he's lonely, and that he'd like to try dating again. I appreciate that he came to me, but I dislike when a guy tells me he's lonely. I've spent time learning how to be alone without being lonely...I feel like I need someone who's in the same place.

There were other issues, too. He's a cool guy; smart, creative, funny, talented, attractive, etc. But I'm not sure there was a "spark" - and I don't care what this article says - I'm not doing that to anyone else.

If I ask any of my friends, they'll tell me to go out with him. But that's because they all think that I sit at home, crying in my takeout night after night, with nothing to do. The truth is - even if I wanted to go on a date this week, I don't have time.

So, instead, I'm asking you. To date or not to date....that is the question.

Walks like a duck....

I like to think that my singleness is a matter of choice. Yes, it was born from a breakup I took hard, but I made a decision to avoid dating until I was happier with myself, and with who I was meeting. So, I don't like to call what I'm in now a "rut." But still - if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....

Quack.

So, I was reading this article about how to get out of a rut. The advice, for the most part, makes sense. It doesn't just talk about my kind of rut (aka - not really finding any dates); it also hits on dating patterns that will keep you from finding love, even if you're finding dates.

You don't feel good about yourself. This is probably the problem most of us have; I know I do. Let's face it - if you feel bad about yourself, you could be in a room full of single, interesting guys - but you won't approach them, and you won't be approachable.

You swear all the good ones are taken. Well, duh - this would definitely cause a rut. If you're not looking - not paying attention, even - you won't find anyone. Period.

You write off a date, thinking he lacks long-term potential. This is classic behavior of someone who truly is too scared; she shouldn't even be looking for a date. There's always a reason an excuse why this guy just isn't for her.

Your dates look great on paper - only. I guess this is the opposite of the excuse dilemma. Instead of looking for a reason not to date someone - you're making every excuse to keep dating someone, based on his resumé. Love is based on feelings; not on pedigrees.

You aren't feeling instant sparks. This is probably the one answer with which I don't really agree. The problem they present is writing someone off if you don't feel sparks on the first date. Their solution is, if you feel neutral - try again. Give the sparks a chance to grow. You can probably guess what my issue with that might be.

I'm not sure any of these address my current situation (with the possible exception of the "you don't feel good about yourself"). But, I know what to look out for if I ever waddle climb out of this rut.

Soundtrack

A friend posted about soundtracks the other day, and it got me thinking: My life doesn't really have a soundtrack. I like music, but it's not that big a part of who I am.

I don't have an iPod (anymore - grrr) and my CD collection moved out a couple of years ago. It doesn't really phase me. I rarely listen to music at home, but if I do, I can stream music off a radio station or listen to pandora. Truthfully, the only place I really listen to music is in the car.

I find the occasional "feel good" song that I like for myself. Currently, it's "Perfect" by Pink. Most of "my songs" are songs that make me think of someone special specific. Which can be a bit of a bummer - because a song goes from being happy to sad in the blink of a breakup.

A while back, Kristi Gustafson posed a question to her readers - What song title describes your love life (past and present)? At the time, I was still with Big - so my present song was....wait for it....You Make Me Smile by Uncle Kracker. I love that song - and now I can't even listen to it without crying.

But the real kicker? Life After You by Daughtry. I love that song - probably because it came out around the time that Big and I met, so it was on the radio, and in my head, often. So, I associate the song with him. Not to mention, the line, "...all that I'm after is a life full of laughter...as long as I'm laughing with you..." is exactly how I feel felt about Big.

Maybe music means as much to me as it does to other people; just in a different way.

Best of the Worst: Tanning booths and sex?

Like, I said, I'm not actively dating. While I figure out exactly what that means and how well it works, I am still perusing dating-site profiles, and of course, reading emails that are sent to me. Most sites will tell you who has viewed your profile - I often start there and just pick a profile at random.

This guy was cute. His photo looked nice, and he was smiling. Then I read his profile - and proceeded to copy and paste it here.

i'm still single,thx for looking,i like art,street art,fine art,graphics,bikes,motorcycles,tattoos,old stuff,going out,not into sports or tanning booths,i work long hours,own a home and a business,into a wide variety of music,i'm looking for a cool chick who is easy to get along with,i prefer .............!!! (check me out on facebook <insert private email here>) i have lost 40 pounds since these pictures were taken,i'm six foot four and 270 also,i was in a bad car accident last year,broke my back,pelvis,4 ribs,ruptured my spleen,bit my tounge in half,concussion,have not had sex since then and am having a hard time,sooo,i'm just looking for somebody who can deal with my issues,and that person is hard to find,thx

I don't ever, ever - ever - need your profile to tell me how long it's been since you had sex. Also, even if we set aside the craptastic (thanks Cute Ella) grammar - it's still an awful profile. Why? The whole point of a profile is to make an impression; to make someone want to get to know you more. Telling me you have issues and are looking for someone who can deal with them is not going to get that job done.

Am I saying someone with physical challenges shouldn't date? Nope. What I am saying is, dating should be fun. It's supposed to be an exciting time, when you're full of hope and looking forward to meeting new people. If you're all, "I'm bummed; life is tough; I can't deal," then how are you in the right frame of mind to date?

If you want to be upfront about physical issues, that's cool. I think people appreciate the disclosure. But be positive. "I was in a bad accident last year. Recovery has been a challenge, but I'm getting there. I still want to dance - but might ask you to hold my crutches while I show off my moves. ;)" Something like that. Let me know that you recognize you have limitations - but you're defining them, and not letting them define you.

If you're not really in that place? Then maybe you shouldn't be dating.

Also, the space bar is that huge key at the bottom of the keyboard. Can't miss it....

Passive dating?

Is passive dating a thing? I googled it, and what I found were articles about dating styles. Not exactly what I was looking for - but in case you're curious, here's a good one.

Here's what I'm wondering - what would a dating "expert" call a woman who is single, willing to meet people - but not actively looking for a date?

That's me right now. I am actively trolling my online profiles (here and here) - but more for blog material than actual dates. I have come across a couple of guys that were worth an email, but no one that's reciprocated my interest.

So, what am I? Maybe facebook needs a new status - Single, Not Dating. Or, like I tweeted the other day - Smarter Than the Rest of You.