Tuesday, November 30, 2010

No Shine

October 2010

"Well....I've been feeling a little confused...."

I really felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach. I truly had not seen this coming, because until a week earlier, everything had seemed fine. We hadn't had a fight, as far as I knew there wasn't anyone else - nothing had changed. So why was Big telling me that he was confused, because he didn't feel a "spark?" 

That night, it was all I could do to not throw up on my own steering wheel. So, I went home - and stayed in bed for two days. Finally, I got the courage to talk to Big and see if I could at least get some understanding. 

He explained that he wasn't sure how he felt, other than to say that his life was better with me in it, that I treated him better than anyone ever had, and that he loved spending time with me. [If you're confused at this point, please note that I'm omitting some of Big's own personal details. They're his story, not mine. Also note that if I told you everything - you'd be even more confused.] We talked about "us" twice more after that conversation. Via text, mind you. I have not seen Big in person since that night. 

During the first conversation, Big told me that in hindsight, all he'd ever felt was friendship. That he'd only let it become romantic because he knew it was what I wanted. During our second conversation, Big informed me that he doesn't find me physically attractive; and it's as simple as that. 

Everything else was fine; perfect, in fact. I'm smart enough; I'm funny enough; I'm kind, and independent; He loved spending time with me. I'm the right age, successful, I want the same things and am prepared to give him all that he wanted. 

I'm just not pretty enough.  

And just like that, I let him take my shine away.

[And yeah, even after all this time, typing that made me cry. I guess some scars don't every really heal.]


  1. Typing those words might be the beginning of the healing, my dear, the beginning of letting it go. Sometimes nice earnest men make big mistakes and hurt people without knowing what to do. I'm sorry this happened to you, but even worse, I'm sorry he stole your shine.
    I see it coming back, I hope you do too. The best part? Now you're free to be shiny for yourself and the guy that recognizes that and loves that will be even more amazing than Big. :)

  2. Thank you so much. I appreciate you reading and commenting - more than I can tell you. I didn't expect the words to hit me as hard as they did, but man... I think it's a lot of residual stuff; self-image has always been an issue for me. He hit the one button that mattered most. In his defense - I don't think he meant to hurt me that way (more to come on that), and my "stuff" isn't his fault.

    Writing this blog has made all the difference in me finding my shine. And yeah - I'm starting to believe that amazing guy might just be out there. :)

  3. The amazing guy is out there. And you know what? If he can't see that, he doesn't deserve your shine. Stine is right - now you can be shiny for YOU and the guy that will appreciate all that you are.

    As for the scars - I like to think that they do heal. Eventually. The problem here is that this is so incredibly fresh and new. It'll heal, and one day you'll look back and vaguely remember the guy who had the absolute nerve to make you feel like less than you are - and who wants to date a guy like that, anyway?

  4. Thank you so much for those wonderful words! I know you're right. It makes me angry when I think about all that he took from me, whether he meant to or not. I look forward to that day, when my scars are healed and I'm all me (maybe a little better) again. :)