Worst of 2011

My 2011 ended on a fantastic note. That doesn't mean that there weren't a few dating disasters. Here are few I would classify as the worst.

- Trapping myself in a guy's bedroom while trying to make a hasty, angry exit
- Too soon for the L word (way too soon)
- (Barely) a date with a Crush - who got married a few months later (to someone I know!)
- Guy who lied - about everything
- Having to "break up" after a first date

Still, I've got nothing on some of these.

Little bits

Just a few little items I thought worth mentioning - but that really don't deserve their own post:

> Remember the article that told us scary activities can be a great date? I tested that theory not too long ago with Trooper - and it is totally true. The scare factor is a tremendous ice-breaker, conversation is natural because there is so much going on - and there's plenty of opportunity for hand-holding.

> Remember Crush? And remember that his former girlfriend is someone I know? They got married last weekend. Awkward.


> Things are going well with Trooper - well enough, that I'm thinking I will have to tell him about this blog at some point. I've wondered about this before, and the consensus was wait about a month, see how things are going, and then tell. Feel free to weigh in.

Better than a bed and breakfast.

Deja vu - all over again

After Crush, I did that thing where you just go looking to meet a guy - any guy. Since I'm about as far from being a bar rat as one can possibly be, I stuck with what I know: dating websites. I started trolling profiles and sending out "Hi, how are you?" type emails.

Suddenly, it occurred to me...I've been here before. This is where I was right before I met Big. In fact, sending out hundreds dozens bunches of emails was how I met Big. Now, a year and a half later, here I am, doing the same thing. Again.

But is it really the same? When I met Big, I was bummed. I'd just gotten rejected by my "transitional guy" following my divorce. I was filled with emotion, not just from that relationship - but also from my marriage. I was still in that place where I felt like I needed a boyfriend; I was still making excuses and not dealing with life.

That's all changed. This time, I am not only dealing with life - I'm living it. I'm making changes, making friends, and having fun. I have plans and goals and I'm happy - without a guy. Sure, I'd love to meet someone - but I'm looking for someone who fits my life, not someone to fit my life around.

So maybe I'm not just spinning my wheels. Maybe the trick is to embrace experiences for what they are, rather than trying to turn them into something else, and feeling disappointed when they don't measure up.

"Things do not change; we change." Henry David Thoreau

My Resume

Inspiration courtesy of this post at Simply Solo....a blog I highly recommend.

**************

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to apply for the job of Z's partner and soul mate. Enclosed you will find my resume, which highlights my most recent and relevant experience.

While it's true that this role is slightly different than what I have done in the past, I believe that my skills will transfer nicely. I think you will find that my research and experience will make me a valuable addition to Z's life.

Please feel free to review my resume, and contact me with any questions. I appreciate your time and attention and look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Girl's Got Shine

**************

Girl's Got Shine

girlsgotshine@gmail.com

Blog

Twitter

Tumblr

Objective:

My objective is an opportunity to be Z's partner and soul mate. I am interested in being someone's equal; I am not looking to be taken care of, nor am I looking to be responsible for anyone else. I am an independent, self-sufficient person and am looking for the same. I would bring my own style to this role, and expect the same from Z. There is no reason that either of us should need to change. If  we are truly a good fit, our styles should blend nicely with only minimal effort. 

Experience and Strengths:

October 2010-Present

Single Woman; Dater Extraordinaire; Fighter of Cooties

Following a year-long "relationship," I entered the single world with a new found sense of self. I've dated several men, including a gamer and a much younger guy. I allowed myself to indulge in a bad-boy crush. I also took a brief sabbatical from dating, in order to better understand myself, my past experiences and mistakes, and cultivate lessons from each.

I have also taken the time to develop my own life. I have friends, family, work and hobbies that keep me fulfilled and busy. I am no longer looking for someone to complete my life, as it is already full and happy. Consequently, I am lower maintenance than most; more focused on honesty and less on games, and therefore easier to work with.

October 2009 - October 2010

Partner in a mutually interested, monogamous non-relationship

Later described as "two people just spending time together as friends," this year-long relationship taught me a lot. Most prominantly, that I had a tendency to use relationships as an excuse to avoid making difficult, yet positive and necessary, life changes. Also that I was geared so much towards pleasing others that I would tend to put their feelings, wants and needs first, even at the expense of my own happiness.

I am pleased to say that in the months following this relationship, I was able to look back with a more objective point of view, and learn quite a bit. With the help of some wonderful friends, I have grown and developed my own life and personality in a way that would make me an asset in any new role.

March 2009 - September 2009

Friend with Benefits; Occasional Date; Dating Novice

Following a heart-breaking divorce, I jumped into the dating scene. In hindsight, I may have done so too quickly, but I did take away valuable lessons from the experience. After a discussion in which it was determined he "saw as more as friends," I allowed myself to become a friend with benefits. I later admitted this was more in an effort to keep the relationship going. I prefer to focus on the positives of that experience, and the fact that I learned my limits in terms of relationships.

Forever before that

Wife

I was a wife longer than I've been single. I married young, but was completely in love and knew exactly what I was doing. I do not view my marriage as a mistake, but rather something that lived its life, and ended. We grew apart as a couple, but not as friends. To this day, he is one of my best friends and someone who I trust more than most.

I learned a lot from the marriage that will help me in future roles. I know the importance of a man-cave; I respect the fact that people need their own space and time alone; I do not ever tell anyone what to do or where to be - and will do plenty on my own; I learned, and can discuss, baseball and know enough about football to pass for conversation.

Weaknesses (or strengths, depending on perspective):

I can be too independent at times

I am very busy

I am reluctant to make room in my life for just anyone

I am still occasionally insecure

I expect to be treated as well as I treat others

I am looking for someone who wants to be with me, and is not doing so out of obligation or to pass the time

I will not settle

References:

X

G

Big
Mr. 28-Year-Old

Crush

Bet you're wondering....

Are you wondering what happened with Crush?

You can catch up by reading the Love is Jeopardy posts here, there, then here and finally there.

Or, if you prefer the Readers' Digest Version:

I asked if he would want to get together, and he said yes. When I brought up the weekend, he said he had plans. He volunteered that it was a date without me asking. Then he mentioned he saw me online on the dating website. I was feeling mixed signals (Why mention the date if he was interested, but why ask about the site if he wasn't?) so I sent a message and just flat-out said I was interested.

His response was that he likes me - but doesn't think he has romantic-type feelings for me. Said he felt that he was being terse, but has been led on by others and did not want to do the same. He also said he's been told before that he's hard to read, which surprises him since he holds nothing back.

I could probably help him understand that, but will only do so if he asks for some friendly input.

Here's my thing: I don't mind that he's not interested in me. Sure, it sucks never being "good enough." And no, that doesn't mean I'm going all woe-is-me or letting him take any shine away. I think it's fair to admit that's how it feels at first - then we recover. 


It's just not meant to be. When it's right, it will be effortless. The truth is, there was a lot that could have made us incompatible, and sometimes people are removed from our life to protect, not hurt. What if I kept getting more and more invested, and things kept progressing - and he did turn out to be another Big, and just pulled the rug out from underneath me? Or what if we both got more invested, and then one of the external factors forced us apart? I learned a good lesson - I got to feel butterflies (even if they weren't mutual).

I know all that's true. Sometimes I just wish that until it is meant to be, the universe (and cupid) would just leave me alone.

But then, I suppose, we couldn't learn the lessons.

Love is Jeopardy - Part Four

You can catch up here: Part One, Part Two, Part Three (I swear, we're almost done!)

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I tossed the lessons back and forth - just walk away, or put myself out there? Knowing when to let go is a challenge, but so is being upfront, especially if it means I might look foolish.

In the end, I went with a compromise. I sent him a message:

The truth is, I login to the site to read emails, and respond if necessary.

More truth: I was trying to ask you out - on, you know, a real date.

If you're interested, cool. If not, that's cool too. 

You're a tough one to read. At least you're not boring.

Then I texted my friend and said, "...now I feel like I'm done, and either he'll talk to me again or he won't." Basically - I know that I did what I could, and I was honest. The next move is his, and I'm okay with that. And if he's not interested, then I can just chalk that up to his issue, eat some Easter candy and move on.

So what's the compromise? I got to be honest - and after I was, it felt right to walk away.

Wall down - check. Risk taken - check. Honesty - check.

Lesson - learned.

Love is Jeopardy - Part Three

You can read part one here and part two here....

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Best guy friend said, "It sounds like Crush could be another Big." 

Meaning only half invested, while I put my whole self into the relationship. Meaning he has demons and baggage that will keep him from investing himself and being honest. Meaning that I should have learned this lesson already; if I jump back in and get hurt, I have no one to blame but myself.

All very true. But the biggest lesson I learned (pun intended) about relationships is to be honest with the person, and myself. That game-playing isn't for me. That losing always sucks, but I can handle it better if I know it was an honest loss, and not something I blew because I played the game wrong.

Guy friend asked me to read my texts again, pretending that it was a friend texting me. (Excellent advice, by the way, and I hate admitting that since guy friend is also my ex.) Truthfully - if a friend told me the same story, I'd tell her to run. Then I'd take her phone and laptop away so she couldn't contact him.

But that's from the outside looking in. Life's not always that simple, which I've learned the hard way. Sometimes, you can't keep the wall up. Sometimes, you have to put yourself, and your heart, on the line and risk it being broken.

Walls are great at keeping out the hurt. The problem is, they also keep out the happy. So I think every now and then, you need to let the wall down, just so you won't forget how.

Even guy friend admitted....

The heart wants what it wants.

(Link) View more Tv Theme Songs Sound Clips and Jeopardy Sound Clips

Love is Jeopardy - Part Two

Continued from here...

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"You weren't on there last night?"

It felt like a challenge. Like he was saying, "Oh no you didn't give up - you were on there last night, and I know it."  And, apparently, he's paying attention to my online habits?! What. The. Hell?

Truth is, yes, I was on that website the night before. I got an email, and they're easier to read on the site than on my phone. Not to mention, as we all know, I occasionally peruse profiles.

What I don't get is - why bring it up? I assumed he mentioned his date as a gentle way of letting me know he's not interested. I down-shifted into friendly chat (Or thought I did...maybe I messed it up?) to let him off the hook, and what does he do? Puts me on the hook.

I ran this by my best guy-friend, and his take was this:

Crush could've thought I was online because I don't like him, and was testing me, and that's why he mentioned the date. My friend also thinks that Crush sounds like a nice enough guy, but has some issues - possibly was very hurt - and is closed off. In his words, "If he's this disconnected before you're even dating, it can only get worse if you do."

His advice was to walk away. One - sometimes it's better to cut your losses; two - if he's interested, it'll "force him to get his head out of his ass." He said that a relationship with someone like this - introverted, dramatic, apparently hurt - could be amazing...or it could be a disaster. That either way, I'm either all in, or all out.

Thing is....I'm not good at the "walking away." I never have been. I'm more of a "put it out there and see what happens" type.

So what do you think I did? What would you do?

(Link) View more Tv Theme Songs Sound Clips and Jeopardy Sound Clips

Love is Jeopardy - Part One

Disclaimer: This is going to be a rant, spanning a few posts in order to keep them manageable. Oh, stop - who are you kidding? You're reading this instead of working anyway.

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This whole Crush thing got way out of control. I blame my allergies, hormones and possibly boredom. Long story short, during a chat, I asked if he would want to get together again, and he said sure. A day or two later, I asked if he'd let me buy him a drink over the weekend. His response was that he had tentative plans Saturday night but "had his doubts" they would happen.

I was perfectly content to leave it at that. He, apparently, was not.

He then volunteered that his plans were a date with someone he met on a dating website. "I don't know why I bother," he said. "Fifty percent of these never even happen, and the fifty percent that do, I usually wish they didn't." 

Now, why tell me that if he was interested in me at all? 

Figuring I had my answer, but not wanting to be rude, I said, "That's why I've basically given up." Just guess what he said. Go ahead - guess. I'll wait. 

(Link) View more Tv Theme Songs Sound Clips and Jeopardy Sound Clips

What I've learned: Butterflies

I've talked about butterflies before. I'll be honest - I really thought I'd found them with Big. I once described him as someone who made me happy just by being around, who was the first person I thought to call with good or bad news, and who I often couldn't wait to see.

But...I think there might have been something missing. I think my feelings for Big developed over time - which is great, don't get me wrong. But there was no initial "spark." You know, that out-of-the-gate feeling that makes you catch your breath just a little, and keeps you smiling for days?

I'll be honest - I never had that with 28 Year Old, either. I liked him - a lot. But it was never an intense attraction, or an I-can't-wait-to-see-him sorta thing. Thing is - since I hadn't felt it before, I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I thought the spark, or attraction or whatever you want to call it, was something that just built over time for me.

Until I felt it with Crush. We went on a date last week, and the minute I saw him - I felt it. It was even more intense when his knee brushed mine, or my hand brushed his arm. A-ma-zing.

I don't know what's going to happen with Crush. But I have learned this: That feeling isn't something I'll ever do without again.

Bad boys make me smile

"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." ~ Marilyn Monroe

Most woman will tell you - bad boys are sexy. Many will tell you that they dated - or at least crushed on - at least one guy who rocked the bad boy charm.

I'll do you one better - I married one.

'Course I also divorced him - which (I thought) pretty much satisfied my bad boy quota for life. True to form, once separated, I dated several guys who were all the furthest thing possible from a bad boy. 

Turns out - "good guys" have cooties, too.

Enter Crush. If it's a bad boy quality - he's got it. Musician? Check. Partier? Check. Emotional? Check. Tattoos? I'll have to get back to you on that. 

So what is it about that guy that is so attractive? If we talked to a psychologist, I bet there's some co-dependence involved. "Oh, he needs saving - let me save him!" I think that was the appeal when I was younger, but things change as you get older grow. At this point in my life, I'm not interested in saving anyone other than myself. 

So, if it's not that - then what's the attraction? Maybe there's something about a bad boy that just seems more real? Or maybe it's the mystery - the challenge of not knowing what makes him tick? 

Heck - I'm no expert. What I do know is a guy who is creative, expressive, and can carry on a conversation without using the number "1" as a word or talking about hunting or showing me his abs - is incredibly attractive.

He makes me smile. Which is the most attractive thing of all.

My line in the sand

I wrote this quick post the other day, after a brief exchange with Crush. I explain it there, if you want to read exactly what happened.

In summary - I dropped a hint, and Crush responded with some communication, which led to nothing more than some witty banter. Leaving me to ponder: If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't have even made that much effort; but if he was interested - he'd have asked me out.

It was sort of the same way when we had our first date. He invited me back to his house - then didn't sit next to me. Again - if he wasn't interested, why invite me - but if he was interested, why not show it when he had the chance?

I've gotten all kinds of feedback from friends on this. Everything from, "He has no balls," (from a guy friend) to, "He's too complicated."

At one time, I was that girl who would have kept pushing. Truthfully, she shines through a little even now, though I tend more towards the, "This is starting to feel like work," point of view. I lose interest, or I believe he's lost interest, and in an effort to not make things more uncomfortable or difficult for anyone - I back off.

I'll be honest - I also don't want to chase a guy. I've done that, and I feel like I'm at a point in life where I should be chased (even if it's just a little bit). I'm not trying to play "hard to get" or anything - I'm just looking for the guy to be honest about what he wants. If he doesn't want to date, that's cool. Just don't send me signals indicating otherwise.

My friends are also divided on the "rules" for this situation, too. Keep dropping hints? Back off altogether? Just flat out ask him if he wants to go on a date? Everything except some sort of love potion/ritual, though I don't think we've totally ruled that out, either.

I wise woman said to me the other night, "There are no rules. Do what you feel." I think she's right. Every relationship is different. I think you know when you should just walk away. There are times when your personal "rules" - your own line in the sand - should absolutely apply, and will get you out of a jam.

Other times, I don't think that line is so clear.

Crush, profiles...and other updates

When things ended with Big, I thought I'd just jump right back into the whole dating thing because...well, because I couldn't imagine being happy without having a guy in my life.

Since then, I've learned that guys and happiness aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, it's better to find a guy who fits your happy than to try and create your happy around a guy. That's what I've been trying to do - and honestly - it's worked.

I tried the online-dating thing, having had success with that in the past. This time - not so much, as some people predicted. But the breakup also taught me to take what I know and build communities from there. What do I know? Twitter and blogging - which, it turns out, are excellent ways to not only meet truly great friends, but also "interests." Crush is back. (OK, OK - I may have the jumped the gun in thinking he was blowing me off.) I'm proceeding with cautious optimism, realizing it may be we are only meant to be friends. Only time will tell.

That being said - I'm less and less interested in "searching" for a guy. Seems that life can take some funny turns if you let it - without using a search function to steer. The way Crush and I met is so cool - and it seems like it's a better way to find someone - at least right now. Between that, some family drama and the new happy I'm building for myself - I see myself going on fewer dates.

Which is an issue - for a dating blog. But, it was recently pointed out to me that this blog is skewed. For example, in the Best of the Worst, I talk about the horrors of guys' online dating profiles. But (and I'm speculating here) ladies' profiles are probably just as horrific, no? I aim to answer that question. Starting this week, we'll be checking out the best of the worst - male and female editions.

I also want to clarify that the best of the worst posts are not intended as a way to make fun of people. If I wanted to do that - I'd share with you where I find them, their user name, etc. I intend it as a fun way of looking at profiles that have flaws - and maybe pointing out some things that could be done to make improvements. If it's not received that way - I'm sorry.

Why am I telling you all this? Possibly because it's late and I'm tired. But I also want to prepare you for fewer posts. Possibly three (maybe four, sometimes) a week, instead of my usual. Plus, you can check out my new tumblr for mini-posts and of course follow me on twitter for micro-mini posts.

Stick with me, folks - this is sure to get interesting.

The part I don't understand

I had a post all ready to go about this guy and how he's sort of got that "bad boy" thing going, and how attractive that is - even though I know better.

But then something happened....

I messaged him the other night and casually mentioned that he "owe's me a drink." His response?

<crickets>

Yes, that's right. He just ignored it; no, "Hey I can't talk right now," to indicate he is still interested. Not even, "You know, I was thinking, maybe we shouldn't do that," to let me know he is not. Just - silence.

I truly do get not being interested; I do. I also know it's a tough conversation - one I've certainly never gone out of my way to have. If I'm not interested in someone, I'm always more than happy to just let them fade away.

I guess the difference is that I'd never just ignore someone - if they reach out to me, I'm going to respond. Even if it means I have to be uncomfortable. I would also never say to someone that I thought we should get together, only to shut them down. If you don't really want to get together with someone, or be friends, or date, or whatever - why ask?

That's the part I just don't understand.

Is it a date?

I consider myself a very forward, take-charge kinda lady. And by forward, take-charge - I, of course, mean impatient.

It's a real issue for me to "wait" for a guy to ask me out. Partly because of the aforementioned impatience. Mostly because it feels like a game - and I don't play games.

This being the case, it was really tough for me to take my friend's advice and let Crush ask me out. But I really was interested to see what would happen if I "played the part" - meaning I flirted and hinted, but didn't actually ask. 

We chatted several more times after that first night - conversations ranged from flirtatious to serious to deep. I found myself thinking about him often - and smiling. A lot.

I'd about had it Saturday night, when I met a friend for dinner. We were catching up and when I filled her in, her opinion was that it would be okay to just say to him that I enjoy our conversations online, and ask if he'd like to meet sometime - you know, take the online conversation offline? We agreed keeping it casual was best, and I went home that night totally prepared to send him a message and just see what happened.

Turns out - I didn't have to.

Long story short - he asked me to share a You Tube video he'd made, I did, we went back and forth for a while, and eventually, he said, "At the very least, I think I owe you a drink." 

Hmmm.....?

I surveyed several friends, guys and gals, and everyone seems to be in agreement that this was his way of asking for a date. Only time will tell. But for now - I'm smiling.