Any time I lose someone in my life, I'm compelled to try and make some sense of the situation. I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, and I find a little bit of comfort trying to figure out what those reasons are.
This has actually helped me in breakups. A little reframing is in order, sometimes, when you're trying to stay positive through something so negative. Rather than look at any sad, I want to look at the happy. The good that people brought by coming into my life, and the lessons I can learn when they leave.
I've been trying to do that with Trooper - but honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready, yet.
When X left me, I eventually came to realize all the ways I wasn't myself, having been married for so long. Not his fault - I let myself get lost. I was so comfortable being one half of a couple, I forgot to form my own identity as a person, and as a woman.
When Big left, in time I realized that I wasn't ready for a relationship when I met him. Yes, I'd learned a lot since losing X, but not enough to really be in a good place. I had no real idea how to be single - go places on my own, enjoy my own company, be comfortable in my own skin. I took time to figure those things out.
When I think about Trooper, all I see is good. I didn't hold myself back with him; if anything, he pushed me to be better. I loved him - and I loved who I was because of him, too. It's hard to say goodbye to something like that. Even harder when you're not ready.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up one day and see exactly what it is that I'm missing, either what was wrong with the relationship, or that was wrong with me. Something that I can learn; something that I can improve.
But right now - all I miss is him.