Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Extra weight

I came across this article today while I was supposed to be working. I'm having a weird couple of weeks - at work and at home - so I spend a lot of time trying to distract myself and deflect an anxiety attack.

I know a lot of people who, post-divorce- said they'd never remarry. Whether it was the overwhelming commitment or the fear of losing another person or even just the cost or hassle, they felt they were done. Relationships are fine, but when it came to marriage they'd "been there and done that."

Most of those friends are now remarried. Not only that, but they gor remarried pretty quickly after meeting their now-spouse. When asked what changed, they said they finally met the right person.

So, I'm wondering... if someone doesn't want to marry again, does that mean that she has just learned better about herself? Or does it mean that she just hasn't met the right person? Could a he or she warm up to the idea of marriage over time? Or does it mean she never will, if she doesn't want it right away?

I suspect the answers to these questions will not make my week any less weird, so I'm just going to return to Pinning makeup ideas.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Daily fight

Have you ever noticed that we ladies seem to worry in relationships a lot more than the guys do? I used to take this as a sign that the guy (at the time, it was X) didn't care as much as I did. I mean, worrying is sign of love, right? Right?!

I have learned that might not be totally accurate.

First - people care in different ways. Not everyone is wired to worry. It certainly doesn't mean that the relationship isn't important, or that they are not invested. Honestly, just because you don't notice the worry doesn't even mean it isn't there - some people are just calm, even-tempered, and don't show concern.

Second - worry (especially my sort of worry) isn't always rational or healthy. It has more to do with my own past and my own need to control things than it does my feelings for my person. It may feel like it's because I love him - which I do - but the worry is not a sign of that love.

I have come to realize that my anxiety and insecurity play tricks with my head and heart. They convince me I have a reason to be scared. They make me believe I am about to lose something or someone, or am about to be left behind. They tell me I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not thin enough. Over and over, they repeat, "You're not enough," until I finally believe.

I'm learning to fight back. I'm learning to coach myself; to remember all the ways I am good enough - even better than good enough in a lot of ways.

It's not easy. It's a fight every single day. Combating negative thoughts with positive reminders takes a lot of energy. Sometimes all the energy I have. But it's worth it; the alternative is to give up the thing that is the most important to me.

I learned as a little kid I wasn't worthy of being loved. The lesson was reinforced as a young adult when I started dating. As I got older, and even when I was married, I didn't realize that those lessons had settled in my brain and taken up permanent residence. I thought I was over it after my divorce - but then I realized I wasn't.

I knew getting back into a relationship would bring back all the insecurities and worry. I also knew the only way to avoid them was to avoid the relationship. Which means the anxiety and insecurities win. That is unacceptable.

So I fight. So far, I'm winning.


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Oridinary fairy tale

As a little girl, I truly bought into the whole fairytale idea that I would meet my knight in shining armor and he would rescue me from the castle and we'd live happily ever after.


As a teenager, I thought all boys had cooties and I was little miss independent.


As a young woman in her twenties, I believed finding love would make me happy and confident and content. To be fair, this was after meeting a guy who convinced me I was only worth what he said... so finding a guy who thought I was worth a lot really did make me feel happy and confident and content. But only temporarily.


As a divorced woman in her thirties, I (secretly) believed (and feared) that maybe we only get one chance at real love and I had blown my shot. But I pressed on because I was also starting to believe that God wouldn't have put the desire in my heart if I wasn't meant to find love.


As a woman in her forties who has (I believe) found the guy, I have learned a few more things to believe.


Perfect is a myth. If you have a long list of requirements, you will never meet that guy. Which, is probably by design - what better way to avoid the responsibility or possibility of heartache than by convincing yourself no one is good enough?


Compromise is not the same as settling. Settling means you give up something that you really want
to make the other person happy, but you continue to want whatever you gave up. Compromise means you're happier for giving something up because you find that making the other person happy is suddenly more important than what you thought you wanted. 


Communication is key. It may be easier to avoid that tough conversation, or not talk about what's bothering you - but that won't fix the problem. Sharing is part of a relationship. Everyone is happy when they're sharing the good stuff. When you find someone with whom you can share the bad stuff - that's when it's a relationship.


You don't have to agree on everything. I always thought agreeing on social or political issues was a deal-breaker. Turns out, it's not. Being respectful and open-minded, and being able to talk and laugh - those are the deal-breakers. If you have to agree on everything in order to avoid an argument, maybe it isn't working as well as you think.


I still have a lot to learn. I've even returned to counseling. I know that my baggage created a lot of walls and barriers for me, which I used to keep myself out of relationships, out of fear of being hurt. I decided it was more important to push through that fear rather than letting it rule me anymore. That is not always easy - but I believe it will be worth the work.


Turns out fairy tales are much more ordinary than I expected - and much happier than I imagined.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Double standard

Every now and then, I think of something I want to blog about here...and then I either can't find the time, or am too busy doing other stuff when I do have the time, or am way too tired when I find the time, or I forget the idea (or how I intended for it to be a whole post).


Some of this is a side-effect of my new job, and the added work it creates. It has really gotten in the way of my work-day goof-off time, which was also prime blogging time.


Some of this is a side-effect of spending time with Toyfriend - which should probably be a post in itself, about finding balance between relationship time and time for myself. Just so you know, I have plenty of self time - I just spend it doing other stuff.


I'll work on it.


Today, though, I have stuff reasonably under control at work, so I've decided to take the time to write about something that has really been bothering me.


The side-effect on my friendships.


Between the fact that I spend a lot of time with Toyfriend, and the fact that my work is taking over a lot of my time, I have had less time to spend with friends. Not no time - I will always have time for my friends. Not only because it's what I want, but also because Toyfriend is very supportive and would always want me to take that time.


Mostly, I think my friends get it. They know I'm busier and trying to find time in my schedule for everything. Plus, most of my friends are in relationships - it's not like they had a ton of time for me before, and they understand wanting to be with my person. Especially since it's new, and Toyfriend and I still actually like each other.


But some friends seem miffed that I have less time. Which, I could probably understand, if not for the fact that these same friends have cancelled plans on me in the past because something better (read: a guy) came along (actually most of these friends have cancelled on and/or excluded me altogether for better offers that came from a variety of places, not just guys).


I guess I'm just finding it a little unfair that I'm in trouble for doing something every one of them has done to me - but that was OK. Seems to me the standard should be equal, and not different depending on who has the new boyfriend.

But, I also get it. I've been pretty available for, like, ever and haven't had any one particular person in my life who took up the majority of my time. I'm sure people have come to expect that I will be around, and my absence might feel personal - like I'm just not making the time for them.

For what it's worth, I guess my advice is this....

If you have a friend who has recently found someone, cut her some slack, especially if it seems this is a guy who may be around for a while. She's probably doing her best. If she refuses to make plans, or cancels all the time, don't be afraid to call her out. But if she is making plans - and especially if you're the one canceling - give her a little credit.

If you're single, don't spend too much time with your friends. You're setting the bar too high.










Tuesday, January 19, 2016

A peaceful present

So, it's been a while... I'm sorry about the absence. Between a promotion at work (Go me!), holidays, Toyfriend, family, volunteer stuff - time just got away. Before I knew it, we were turning the page on 2015. Happy New Year!

When we last chatted, I was dealing with some anxiety. I'd actually gotten a pretty good handle on it by the end of the year. I started journaling again, and spent a lot of time working on dealing with the present, rather than worrying about what might happen in the future. I also started coloring - I highly recommend that as a stress-reducing hobby that has the benefit of being fun and portable.

But that's the trouble with anxiety - it's irrational, unpredictable, and comes and goes as it pleases. This was a huge problem for me before I knew what anxiety was, how it behaves, and its effect on me. Part of learning to manage my worries is learning their causes, how to identify if they are really as bad as they seem or if they are being exaggerated by my anxiety, and most importantly, what calms them down.

Recently, I've noticed a little worry creeping back in. At first I couldn't figure out what my problem was. It started as an innocent conversation about something going on with someone in Toyfriend's family. It had nothing to do with me, him, or us. Zero. But somehow, it morphed into a conversation about our relationship, where it's headed (Spoiler Alert: Nowhere fast.), and what we both want.

Let me be clear: Toyfriend and I are on the same page. We're both happy with the way things are and in no rush to change anything. It's super-important for me to say that because I was losing site of it fast, and I need the reminder.

While we were talking, Toyfriend said he has "no interest" in taking the next step. Given that we are together 5-6 nights a week and most of the weekend, have keys to each other's homes, keep toiletries and clothes at each, have met family and friends, and are planning a big vacation, we agreed the "next step" would be living together.

The truth is, I'm not interested in moving in together any time soon, either... but I would like to know that the option might be available in the future. Toyfriend's "no interest" sounded like a formal declaration that he will never want more than what we have right now. Even though I'm happy in this moment, thinking the door had just been slammed on anything more scared the hell out of me.

Is this a dead end? Does he want an exit strategy? Does he love me as much as I love him? Am I settling? Am I giving up too much? These thoughts started swirling through my head fast and furious - and it was overwhelming.

When I came up for air, we talked a little more. Toyfriend isn't slamming the door - but he is also not ready to open it just yet. He can't say for sure if he ever will be. He did say he "can't see us being in this place forever."

When I thought about it, I remembered that I need to focus on the present. We're both happy, on the same page, and able to talk things through. Toyfriend doesn't shut me out, nor does he shut me down. He listens to my worries, no matter how irrational they may seem. He never judges me or minimizes my feelings.

I also remembered that this is what it means to focus on the present and not the future. Neither of us can predict what will happen, nor should we rush into something before the time is right for us both.

I can't guarantee that I will never feel like I need that next step... and I can't guarantee that I will. Toyfriend is the same boat. He may never want to take the next step - or maybe he will.

I can't force it or try to change him. I can't rush into something just to "lock him in." It would be foolish to judge the relationship based on something that may or may not happen, when it's something neither of us even wants right now.

All I can do is check in with myself, focus on what I want in the present, and make sure my needs are met. I can check in with him and make sure we're on the same page. Mostly, I can enjoy the happy, healthy, honest relationship I'm in - and be grateful for every day I get to be this happy.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Dating Sunday

I've been a little quiet around here - something I hope to change now that the page has turned to 2016.

If your resolution for 2016 includes finding love, today is the perfect day to start!

According to Match.com, the world's largest dating website, National Online Dating Day is the proven busiest day for online dating. Happening every year on the first Sunday in January, the exact time down to the minute this year is 8:52pm ET on Sunday, January 3th.

This heavy influx of traffic falls within Match’s “Peak Season,” which spans from December 25th to February 14th annually. During this time, Match will see a 60% spike in new members!

Online dating is largely about numbers - the more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet the right one.

Grab that great holiday selfie, put together a few words about yourself, and start meeting fun people!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

What I need to remember

I've been battling some insecurities this week. I'm feeling pretty inadequate, and I have found myself looking for problems. Honestly, I think it has more to do with work stuff, and I'm letting it spill over into my relationship. I have found myself looking to be unhappy, or for reasons to be disappointed or annoyed with Toyfriend.

It wasn't hard to find: He spent most of his Saturday with other friends (both women) - one hiking, one out for her birthday.

I was bummed. We usually spend Saturdays together. I felt a little left out, and honestly a little inadequate that his one friend can handle a hike like they did, and I can't. But I also know that staying connected to his friends is important to Toyfriend, and it was out of his control that the chance to spend time with these friends fell on the same day.

I also realized something else. Part of the reason Toyfriend wanted to get together with the one lady is he really wants to be a good friend. He wants to be there, particularly for those who he knows don't have anyone else.

The truth is, I like that about Toyfriend. I like that he cares about other people and is willing to put himself out. I also like that he knows himself well enough to know that he doesn't want to turn his back on his friends. If I stand in the way or try to change that, I risk changing something about him that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Which seems counterproductive to the whole happy, healthy relationship thing.

But I was so convinced I should be insulted, I found myself feeling frustrated. Was something wrong with me, that I wasn't upset? Am I just accepting too much because I want to keep him around?

Then I noticed that he felt as bad - if not worse - about missing out on our time together. It meant a lot to him that I understand why he wants to be a good friend, that these women are just friends, and that I was able to talk with him about things that were bothering me. He was happy that I spent what time I could with him over the weekend. He made an effort to spend as much time as he could with me, too.

It was then that I remembered some of the things I've written about Toyfriend that I need to keep in mind.

"I'm also really very lucky to be in this with someone who takes the time to understand where I am coming from, and who will meet me halfway."

Toyfriend is a good guy. He's honest, trustworthy, and he loves me (he's also handsome, nice, smart, funny, and super-fun, but that's a different post). He happens to have female friends because he relates well to women. But he recognizes it can be an issue, and he's open and honest with me, which helps put me at ease and reminds me that I don't need to worry.

That's what I need to remember most.

For those wondering, he does have male friends and does spend time with them. I write about the female friends because I'm talking about my own anxiety and insecurity, and the female friends affect that more.