Since you asked...

It's been a week. Lots of stuff going on - most of which, honestly, has little to do with dating. But, I did have two dates last week (two different guys) and a (fingers crossed) a date tonight with another adorable man. I've been poking around on different dating sites...and that always leads to a few observations.

• Describing yourself as loyal makes you sound like a dog.
• If you're unemployed, maybe now isn't the best time to set up a dating profile. That said - kudos for being upfront!
• Taking photos of yourself flipping off the camera is crude, unnecessary, and a turn-off.
• Related: I wish I was mean enough to post a link to some profiles - pictures and all.
• Nobody drops their phone in water that often. Plus, I can see you're online. That lie is not only unnecessary, it's an insult to us both.
• You don't need to keep telling me how compassionate, caring, romantic, faithful you are. Message received. How about we start with something more basic.... Like your job?
• If you don't even know how to spell the name of the city in which you live...we are not a good match.
• If we're of different races, and we're on a date, asking me how I feel about interracial dating is probably a little redundant.



Many of the men I talk with are either African American or mixed-race.
I may start calling them Hot Chocolate (in fun, of course).



Weird questions from OKCupid

If you have, or have ever seen, an OKCupid profile, you're aware that users have the option to answer profile questions. These are a seemingly endless list of personality questions addressing everything from politics to sex to body hair.

Supposedly, your answers - along with the importance you put on the answers of others - help OKCupid find matches for you. The more questions you answer, the better matches you'll find.

I'm absolutely convinced that personality tests and profiles can be dead-on when looking for a good match - on paper. Of course that doesn't always translate to a real connection - but this site has successfully "matched" me with guys in the past. We dated (in some cases, it lasted a while) and have remained friends. So there's something to it.

Of course, in the case of OKCupid, that also requires that everyone answers the questions - and that they do so honestly. So while I don't put too much stock in the match percentages shown (I will talk to a guy who only has a 60% match, because you never really know), I do sometimes find the questions helpful.

For example, a guy might seem like a great match for me - but if he's answered questions saying he thinks homosexuality is a sin, or he believes the man should always be the head of the household, I know to back away. Quickly.

I've had an OKCupid profile for almost three years, and I'm sure I've answered hundreds of questions. I have seen (and answered) the ten listed in this Mashable article (which I found via Baking Suit).
The article suggests the questions are "user-generated." I was under the impression that they are generated by the site - but perhaps there is a mixture? I can't seem to find anything to confirm either way.

The questions aren't mandatory. You can opt to answer none, or skip questions you don't like. You have the option of answering privately, so that only OKCupid knows your answer (for use in its algorithm magic). Usually you do have to answer a question publicly if you want to see another person's response. 

I think the Mashable artical is hysterical - but the idea that people use these questions to "find a lover who showers once a month, eats garbage, likes tortured animals, and finds the threat of nuclear war exciting" is probably a little off. I mean - I suppose there might be some people out there looking for someone to join them in their bomb shelter for a nice compost dinner- but I suspect they are few and far between.

I have answered hundreds of the OKCupid questions - mostly to see the responses of others. I also like to be able to indicate what answers are unacceptable to me (an example would be questions on same sex marriage). Plus - answering the questions is a great way to kill time at work.

For the record, if STALE equals 89475, then STEAL equals 89547 - but if you answered 89754, you're in luck! Ms. Attkisson thinks you're smart and might go on a date with you. I probably won't, though.

Stir up your summer - create a Match.com summer singles event and win!

Click to visit the official contest site for a chance to win!

I went to my first Match.com Stir event last summer. I've been to a couple more since, and actually have one on my calendar for the end of the month.

While I really love the events - and the whole idea of taking online dating offline - I didn't realize that the concept is only one year old. In those twelve months, Match.com has hosted 2,850 events - which breaks down to 320 events a month. That's 75 Stir events a week! Over 225,000 singles have attended Stir events, in over 80 cities nationwide - including Anchorage and Honolulu!

Both events I've attended were happy hours at local, laid back venues. That's my style - relaxed, no pressure, just cool people having good conversation in a nice setting. But match.com organizes more than just happy hours. Popular Stir events have included DJ lessons, cooking classes, tasting events, bowling, etc. Match.com has partnered with over 1,200 venues and organizations, including House of Blues, Banana Republic, Sur la Table and Warrior Dash. How's that for variety?

To celebrate the one year anniversary of Stir, Match.com is offering singles the opportunity to create their own Stir event. What could be better? How about having your event chosen, and working with Match.com to bring it to life!

How does it work? Visit Match.com's "What Stirs You?" contest page now through Tuesday, May 28, 2013, and tell Match.com what you think would make a perfect singles event in your area. Entries will be judged based on creativity, quality, uniqueness, and geographical relevance. The winning event will be re-created by the local Stir event team, and the winner will be invited to attend the event with 10 friends - at no charge! 

As if that's not enough, the winner will also receive a free six-month subscription to Match.com!

So get to work on your ideas! Want inspiration? More info? Or just want something to do now that this blog post is over? Check out the Stir One Year Anniversary video below - and get working on your idea!

Criteria

One of the things I like best about Match, that other dating sites lack, is the fact that the profiles tell what the person's criteria is (if any). For example, right next to the profile picture, information like this appears:

MrPerfect is looking for women ages 26-38 within 50 miles of Albany, NY

Of course, nothing is without exceptions. I mean, Prince Charming searched the whole kingdom for Cinderella, and her shoes didn't even fit right. You can't plan who you'll love.

Still, now I know that if I'm 40 and live 100 miles away from him - even if all else is perfect - there's probably little reason to email him. Or if I do, I should at least be prepared that he may not be willing to step outside those requirements.

At the bottom of a Match profile, you can share even more information about the person you hope to meet. If you have preferences for race, religion, education, income, lifestyle (smoking, drinking, etc), body-type - even hair and eye color, for those who only date blue-eyed blondes!

Most people don't go into too much detail in this section. One thing almost everyone completes is the body-type they find attractive. I actually find this pretty helpful. I'm not even close to being "athletic and toned" or "thin" so if a guy specifically states that's what he finds attractive, why waste his time, or mine?

Whether you follow people's criteria without exception, or prefer to take a chance here and there, I still think it's worth respecting what they say they want. I mean - hopefully they know best what will work for their life, right?

I have been approached by many, many men who are considerably younger than me. On OKCupid, I get it


Guess they're hoping I'm a cougar.

 - it's a totally different circumstance. Plus, my profile doesn't actually say that I want to meet people in a certain age-range.

But on Match? A guy 10 years my junior approached me last week. He even said to me, "I know I'm younger than your profile states you want - does that bother you?"

Well, yeah. Especially since his profile specifically said he "definitely" wants to have kids someday - and mine says I definitely don't. When I pointed this out, he said, "That's OK. I work a lot right now, so not having kids is not an issue."

Great - so you don't want to have kids right this second. But the thing is...you're 28! That will probably change, especially since you already know you want a family. So why on Earth would you approach a woman who is past the age where she can safely have kids, and who is saying she definitely does not want them - ever?

My profile actually says I am looking for men my age and older (I say up to 49; I can't bring myself to admit I could date a 50-year-old, yet). Why? Not because I have anything against younger guys - but with older men, the issue of having kids is usually eliminated. Either they already have and don't want more, or they've decided they never want kids. Either way - problem solved!

I usually avoid men who are looking for younger women - especially if they're in their forties, and they're looking for a woman in her twenties. I figure either they're still hoping to meet someone who can have kids - or they're just emotionally immature, and have found their games don't work on women their own age. Either way - not for me.

I don't believe in having a type. Opposites attract all the time, and you never know with whom you'll find a connection. Sometimes it's worth a little extra effort, just to see what might happen.

But don't completely discount what someone says they want. Even if you don't think it has anything to do with you, it might offer a little insight into the person you're potentially trying to meet. Who someone chooses to spend time and effort on says an awful lot about him.

Since you asked...

I made several note-worthy observations on last weekend's date. Actually, I was mentally preparing this post while plowing through my dinner to make it end faster. Want to hear? Since you asked...

     * If the wait for a table is an hour, it's probably rude to spend the entire time in the ladies room.

     * Then again, it's equally as rude for him to ask why you were gone so long. I say split the difference.

     * If you don't know the walking situation, it's best to wear comfy shoes, even if they're not your favorite.

     * Wear the right bra with the right tank-top and no one cares about your shoes anyway.


I might start doing that!



     * Whether we realize it or not, we all have little tests we give our dates. It's human nature to want to know what we're getting into.

     * If you sincerely want to pay the check, you'll grab it as soon as it hits the table. No matter how intended, a delay gives the appearance you want to split the bill, or expect the other person to pay.

     * Even if the place has a super-long wait, you shouldn't make your displeasure obvious. Doing so is rude, mean, and unnecessary. Just be grateful someone thought enough of you to make a plan.

     * That said, when you're the one making plans, it's nice to take things like travel and wait time into consideration.

Avoid guys who avoid crazy

I see a lot of profiles in which the guy makes a point of saying he's not looking for "crazy" women. Most of the time it's built into his profile - occasionally, a guy will go so far as to make it his headline.

I get the point - he's met women who played games, messed with his head, and treated the relationship and/or him with disrespect. He knows he doesn't want that again, and is saying so up front.

I respect the rationale - I just don't think it's effective.

My uncle always says, "Locks are for honest people." The meaning, of course, is that only an honest person would let a locked door stop them from entering. The people you're really trying to keep out - the dishonest people - won't let a lock stop them. In their world, locks don't apply.

Same idea here. Women who are disrespectful, immature, or insecure are not going to think the message "no crazy women allowed" applies to them. They don't think they're crazy - so obviously, you must not be referring to them. Meanwhile, the women you do hope to attract are turned off by the negative approach, and have moved on to the next profile.

Why? Let me tell you.

First of all, a profile should talk about the person in a positive manner. I want to know more about the guy, to decide if I'm even interested in reaching out in the first place. If he comes across as negative, I can already conclude I'm not interested. Referring to women as "crazy" makes him sound bitter, angry, or like he's not over past experiences. Moving on...

Am I interested in what he wants? Of course! But again - in a positive way. I would much rather read that a guy is looking for a confident, secure, grounded woman, over reading that he doesn't want a "crazy" person.

Plus, that eliminates the element of interpretation. I already know believe have it on good authority that I'm

not crazy. If that's you're only requirement, it'd be easy for me to think that maybe we are a good match. But if you remember to say in your profile that what you really want is an active, athletic woman interested in training with you for a marathon - you have just saved us both some time.

Not to mention - you're always going to meet people who are not a good match. Everyone needs an affirmative, defined idea of what he's looking for, to make it easier to tell the good matches from the bad.

In the last few months, I have broken my own rule and talked to guys who specifically said in their profiles that they didn't want any more "crazies." Both reached out to me first, and I chatted briefly with each. After a few emails back and forth, both just sort of faded away.

I suppose I may have come across as crazy, though I'm pretty good about hiding that, at least in the first few emails.

More likely, I think it just comes down to the fact that guys who say they want to avoid crazy do so because they are accustomed to meeting crazy women, and are convinced that's all there is. Why?

Either they are crazy themselves, and therefore attract crazy. Or they treat women so badly they eventually make them crazy.

Either way - I'll be avoiding those guys from now on.

Face to face rejection

I realized this weekend that I need to work on the face-to-face rejection. I have no problem telling someone that I'm just not that into him over the phone or in text {oh, how sweet it is when I can get away with that}, but when it comes to in-person - I choke.

Found it here

I do feel like it's either rude - especially after a date for which he's paid - or mean. But the truth is, I can get over being rude and mean. What I can't get over is the idea that it will turn into an embarrassing scene, or worse, he'll refuse to go away when the conversation is over.

On the phone, I have more control. If the conversation gets out of hand, I can just hang up. In person - and especially in public - I can't. Even walking away doesn't always work. Case in point - when Mr. Crazy-Pants approached me at the gym. He kept talking to me, and even though the conversation wasn't out of control, I still felt embarrassment. 

Honestly, there's also a safety concern. I don't want to sound all melodramatic, but the truth is - I have been in situations where I thought the guy might be less than a gentleman if he was rejected.

Sometimes, it's just easier to save-face in person, and then reject over the phone later.

But we all know the right thing to do is usually not the easy thing. It really only comes up if the guy is looking for confirmation of the next date before the current date ends. Sometimes guys don't ask {though I have met those that ask before the bill is paid - sneaky} and just wait until the follow-up phone call or text. I find this happens mostly if the guy is only a little interested in another date. If a guy is very interested, he will want to close the deal before saying goodbye.

A preemptive rejection isn't necessary - and that really would be mean. So, if the guy says something, I need to get better at replying with a nice, friendly, thanks, but no thanks. The truth is, embarrassment is my issue, not his, and safety is rarely a real concern. Sure I want to be courteous - but real courtesy is treating this person the right way, and being up-front if asked.

Of course, there will always be times when you just have to dive into your car head first to avoid an unwanted goodnight kiss. I don't think any of us should be too hard on ourselves - desperate times, desperate measures, and all.