Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Quiet Man: Part II

You might want to read this first.

So, he had a good time. Which says to me that he was on a completely different date than I was. Nevertheless, I had to do something.

So, I texted my friend, who said I had two choices:
  • Ignore him and hope he goes away
  • Tell the truth
Ignoring is unacceptable to me, after there's been a date. I've spent time with someone, he's spent money on me - he deserves more than that. And as far as being honest - well, it sucks for me, but it's the least he deserved. I mean - he was a nice guy, he just wasn't my type of guy.

So, I responded and said I'd enjoyed dinner (not a total lie; my food was good) but that I just didn't think there was a connection. Good, right?

Wrong. He asked me to tell him why I felt that way.

I told him it was something that was hard to explain, but there was something I wasn't feeling - and I didn't want to lead him on. That seems to have put it to rest....but it left me with a question

Is that a bit much, for one date? I mean - when Big ended things, I really wanted to know why; I wanted to understand, and I felt I was owed as much. But that was after a year; not a week. We'd been on dozens of dates, not one. I was invested, and thought he was too, and I wanted to understand what changed.

But is there a difference, if you've just met? I've had guys just fade away after we chatted for a while, or not call again after one date. I don't really give it a second thought - I figure they weren't interested and I move on. They don't owe me anything, so why would I ask them? How would they even know what it is that's missing, or what they don't like?

Is there a point in a relationship where an explanation is required? Or is it a personality thing? Are there some people who just need the explanation, no matter how long it's been or what's gone on between you?


  1. I think you did the right thing by NOT ignoring him. Most people deserve SOME sort of explanation, but getting into detail after just one or two dates doesn't seem necessary. If you date someone for a while, then it seems reasonable that you should explain yourself a bit, but there is definitely a grace period where you can simply say "I didn't feel a connection" and have that be enough.

  2. Lonelily - That's what I wa thinking! Seems like there should be a grace period, where not too much explanation is necessary. He really seemed to want something, though, and he was nice - just not for me.

    I've been ignored, and even though it doesn't bother me as much as I know it bothers others, it still feels like a copout. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.

  3. You did the right thing. It's called respect. Not only are you showing him some, but you are recognizing respect in yourself. I know it's a cliché but I believe in doing unto others as I want them to do unto me. Good girl!

  4. Oh! So many pickles find you! I think you did the right thing and I feel like your justifications were right on. The hard part of life is realizing no one is where you are. Everyone's traveling the ocean of understanding and all at different points. I think you did the right thing (and hooray for trusting your instincts and going for at least one date to confirm them!!!) and he was lucky you had the compassion and grace to answer a difficult question.

    As for you and Big, you definitely deserved an answer. As for why ask why...Let me quote this wonderful poem from Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle:

    "Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly; Man got to sit and wonder, 'Why, why, why?' Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land; Man got to tell himself he understand."

  5. Angela - Thank you! I don't think that's cliché - I just think it works. It's also very appropriate, since (as you will see) I was not treated that way by someone, and didn't like it.

    Stine - I heart you. And I love that quote - it's wonderfully perfect.