Monday, April 25, 2011

The tough thing about modern dating

Is it the horrible online profiles? The endless emails that lead nowhere? The awkward first date with someone you've only "met" online? The strange text messages, or the ones you wish you never sent?

For me, the toughest thing about modern dating is....the breakup that never really happens.

Nowadays, when you date someone, they become part of your online existence. You're friends on facebook, and twitter and foursquare, and - who knows where else? Do you unfriend them? You could, I suppose - but that's your network. It's your life, in some ways. And unfriending is like saying they were never there to begin with - like they didn't matter.

But if you keep them around, you run the risk of seeing things you don't want to see - and knowing things an ex shouldn't really know. Sometimes it pops up when you least expect it. Just when you thought you didn't care anymore - you realize, you do.

Maybe you don't really care about him. Maybe it's just that seeing him with her is upsetting because it's a reminder of where you're not. Not because you want to be with him - but because you know you're not where you want to be.

Or maybe it bothers you to see others be so nice to him. Not because he's not nice, because he is. Not because he doesn't deserve friends, because he does. Maybe just because it hurts sometimes that he was so mean, so hurtful and so cruel - and he got away with it.

The thing is, modern dating also means we have modern friendships. We have more chances to connect; to find friends, and a support group to rally around us when we need them. Sort of like a virtual version of what my friend Sassy Singleton writes about here.

That happened to me over the weekend. I was down - really down - about some things I was seeing about Big. A friend stepped in and really cheered me up. She reminded me that I'm better off without him; and she's right. I am. I guess I just needed the reminder.

I guess the thing is - we could disconnect from the ex. But in this world of online connections and virtual friendships, it's really more about adapting and making that a part of the healing process. Thanks to the online world, we reap the rewards of those added friendships.

Part of growing is learning to take the bad with the good.


  1. Tis why I like the block feature. Sometimes we just need it to not be in our face.

  2. I've started to employ that method when required. I did not need that this weekend.

  3. This makes a lot of sense! I feel the same way--while I see pictures and things I wish I never saw, the part that hurts isn't necessarily seeing HIM but where he is and what he's doing vs. where I am and what I'm doing. I love your assessment of it all!

  4. Ahhh yes ... they're everywhere. It makes it hard, because it's impossible to escape them. Yes, this is true. I understand that completely.

    I am so, so sorry that you were sad this weekend. :( You are better off without Big, as I am better off without the TC, although sometimes we may not fully realize that or forget that or think that maybe, maybe, maybe ... this time could be different.

    Um, not that I am thinking that way or anything.

    Big virtual hugs to you, my friend!!

    PS, thanks for the shout out. :)

  5. I agree with @Cuteellaisbold...I had to block that guy who broke my heart and while I feel much better now than I did, say 4 months ago, or even 2 months ago, I still don't want to see his happy face everywhere...and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing mine either. He didn't want to be a part of my life, so, he doesn't get to be. Simple as that.

    And are much better off without Big, as @Sassysingleton is much better off without the TC, and I'm better off without that guy who broke my heart. I'm sorry too that you were sad, but I hope you're feeling better!

  6. Social Media sites bring out feelings in us that we didn't realize we had. After I broke up with my ex back in the Myspace era I stayed "friends" with him because, like you said, I wasn't ready to totally erase him from my life. This caused problems when:

    A) The guy I started dating began posting pictures of us together in my comments.


    B) When my ex started posting pictures of his new gf months later.

    I didn't think I would care about him seeing someone new, considering I myself had moved on long before, but it brought up a whole bunch of jealous feelings I thought I had let go months before.

    My best practice is to just get them off your site totally. It may seem cold and it may come off harsh at first but in the end do you really need to be bringing up past drama as you scan your news feed? The answer is no.

  7. Dri - There are definitely some situations where I agree. I just can't seem to do it with some guys, especially those with whom I'm friends.

    Twitter is the toughest. Truthfully, to get him totally out of my "twitterverse" I'd have to block other people too - and I don't wanna. :)

    I feel like I just need to figure it out, and really heal - so that it doesn't bother me no matter what. Truth is - it's about me, not him. I'm over him, I'm just so caught up in what makes me unhappy, and taking it out on him is a sign I need to make some changes.