Communication is everything

A friend and I were messaging last week after she accidentally outed herself on Facebook as having been in a relationship for about a year. I should probably say "accidentally outed" in quotes. While she mentioned the guy in a post, the relationship wasn't the focus; it was part of a bigger story. Just like it was in real life - not her focus, and not really a secret, just a part of her story that hadn't come up before.

Anyway, she told me a few details about the guy and their dating style that make their relationship a little less than conventional. It's a style many would consider unacceptable; some might even consider it unhealthy (I'm not one of those people; just wanted to offer some context without sharing a story that's not mine to share).

She said for her, it's been the healthiest relationship she's ever had. No co-dependence, she gets alone time (which is important to her), and they don't take each other, or the relationship, for granted.

"We TALK," she said. "That is huge."

It got me thinking about my own relationship, and how it probably appears to others - lack of commitment, going nowhere, unhealthy.

We don't live together because we're not married. Toyfriend is too traditional. But we'll probably never be married because... well, that's a separate post. So it's likely we'll never share a roof.

We often spend holidays separate because combining families is complicated. He doesn't attend every function

with me because he always has a choice and sometimes the choice is one of his kids, or a friend, or just a night to himself. 

But we also talk - and that is everything. I know how he feels and how committed he really is to me and our relationship. We are not always together, we don't share a mailbox, and he doesn't do everything I want - and that's OK. Those things, while nice, are not proof of commitment or love - and I am lucky to be in a relationship where I don't have to rely on those things to feel secure.

All of us spend spend so much time and energy searching for this missing something in relationships. We think it needs to be marriage or family or living together or whatever. We convince ourselves that if we just take that one little (or big) step, we'll feel secure and sure of where things are, and where they are going. 

But that security, or those steps, are not what's missing. What's missing is communication. Once you find that, you realize it's the thing you've been searching for; that other stuff was just a substitute.

It's the one thing you really need.

Communication is everything. It's what's missing in most relationships, and when you find it, you realize that's what you really needed all along. 

So much more

I've resolved to write more this coming year. The thing is, sometimes I put it off because I don't have time to write out the whole thing, or I want to organize my thoughts, or I want to use a real keyboard instead of my phone. But sometimes you just have to go with what you got, start typing and see what comes out. Then hit publish and hope for the best.

Last year was HUGE for me and Toyfriend. We honestly almost broke up at the beginning of 2017. I never would have imagined we'd get to 2018 together, let alone happier.

We had a lot to overcome. Some boundaries to negotiate - then renegotiate. We had to improve communication - on both ends. I, personally, had to work on setting, and managing, expectations.

We just celebrated our best holiday yet. We were able to share it with both our families and some friends. Most importantly, we shared it with each other with just enough compromise and no conflict.

I know that may sound silly, but for me, it is huge. I have come to expect conflict at holiday time. Being able to share the time with someone is big - and being able to rely on his support during all that family time means everything.

I spent a lot of time in 2017 learning what I want from my relationship - and also realizing what I can expect (realistically). I know I will need to give up some things - some just for now, but some maybe forever.

It's been a battle, figuring out what I can live with, and without. Sometimes it feels like too much to give up.

Then I have moments of real clarity - a genuinely happy holiday, for example - and I realize that while I may be giving up some things, I am getting so much more in return.