Looking for a type

You may or may not realize this, but I am white. Yes, I mean white as in caucasion, as in not-a-minority.

Up until I met Trooper, I pretty much always dated white men. That wasn't by design, just the way things worked out. I didn't date Trooper because of his race, or really even in spite of it. I dated Trooper because he was a nice guy - who happened to be African American.

When we broke up, I guess I did lean towards a particular "type" of guy. I mostly dated outside my race, though there were several dates with white guys mixed in. Again, it really was just the way things worked out.

When I dated outside my race, I came to expect questions, looks, or comments. I could predict what was coming, and knew how to respond.

But I honestly never thought I would spend any time explaining my choice to date a guy of the same race.

When I first started telling my friends about Toyfriend, the reaction was the same, pretty much across the board. Even when I wasn't around, friends reported back that other friends reacted the same:

"Wait - he's white?!"

I probably should have anticipated the reaction, and it probably shouldn't bother me. After all, I did have a "type" for a while. People know what sort of men I find attractive, and I guess everyone just assumed that was the type of guy I would end up with. I suppose because that's who they would expect me to meet.

I guess I just wish that my friends' first reaction would be one of happiness. Like, "Wow, GGS seems happy - how great is that?! She deserves it." A few friends did react exactly this way - you know who you are, and I hope you know how grateful I am.

But I think I also wish that people had believed me when I said I never dated anyone because of his race. The surprise makes it seem like people expect race was a deal-breaker for me - and it never was. It is certainly true that I find men of a particular race very attractive - that's been true since my first crush. But liking how someone looks and falling in love with who someone is are very different things.

When I was just looking for someone to spend a little time with, I went looking for guys based solely on physical attraction. Why not, right?

But if I had stuck to that "type" and made race a deal-breaker, I'd have shut out the possibility of the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. Yes - I said ever.

That's the thing about "types" - they work when you're doing the looking. They don't work when you're ready to be found. 

(The fact that Toyfriend is completely adorable is really just icing on my happy little cupcake.)

Two pairs

Remember when Trooper took me to Engineer's wedding? He asked me to relay a funny story concerning that wedding. I have a particularly tough post I'm working on (tough to publish, not write), so I figured I'd do this instead.

When I asked Trooper to the wedding, I did not know he was dating anyone. It turns out, he was, and she was someone he'd known previously. Which means the two of them were already connected on Facebook. Which also means she knew he and I used to date, knew my name from his posts, and knew we were still friends.

She texted him that night and asked what he was doing (I believe she wanted to know why he hadn't asked to see her). He was honest and said he was at a wedding. This was not a satisfactory answer. After a little more interrogation, during which she actually asked if he was with me, he admitted he was my "plus one."

I actually felt a little bad. Honestly, had I known he was dating someone and going with me would cause a problem, I would never have asked. Trooper assured me it was not an issue, that was just her personality.

Turns out, her personality includes a lil' crazy.

Apparently, not long after, she ended things. Among other reasons, she was upset he'd taken me to the wedding. At that point, Trooper decided meeting women online wasn't for him. He deleted his dating profiles and decided to give up.

Within a week, he attended a party for an old friend and ran into a former coworker. They've been dating for several months.

Trooper told me that he credits our friendship, and his taking me to that wedding, with bringing him together with this new person, who he really likes. Talk about irony.

He also admitted that now, he owes me two pairs of shoes.

Texting vs talking

When Trooper broke up with me (for those not keeping track, that was about two years ago) one of the "reasons" he mentioned was our lack of phone conversations. I prefer not to talk on the phone, and he felt that gap in our communication affected our ability to connect and really get to know each other. He thought if we'd talked more, maybe he would have recognized our differences sooner, which would have meant we didn't date for as long, and the break up would have been less painful.

I really didn't agree with him. Honestly, I took that whole conversation as a way for him to push blame on me for his own shortcoming.

I still don't agree, even if this article suggests Trooper may have been right.

"A lot of people still want to hear a voice (at least if they like you they do) and aren’t looking to always have to read a message on their phone. It becomes more personal and easier to connect with someone when you can actually talk to them. Ignoring this reality can create a disconnection between you and the person you are communicating with. Not to mention that it can hinder people from being able to open up and have deeper discussions with you because they simply don’t want to have to type a long dialogue. So making time to actually talk more often rather than constantly send a text message can help strengthen your ability to connect with others."

I do agree that texting can leave things open to misinterpretation. Perhaps it might even hinder a person's ability to really open up. No one wants to type a lengthy text message - and who wants to read one?

Here's my thing... if I need to have a serious, in depth conversation, I prefer it be in person. Phone conversations, to me, are still casual and open to misinterpretation. If I have to ask an important question, I want to see the person's reaction. If I know the conversation might not go his way, I don't want him to just be able to hang up on me.

Those conversations are usually long. If I'm on the phone, I can't muti-task. If I'm going to have to devote a few hours of my time to this "talk" it may as well be face to face. Honestly, if two adults can't manage to sit down in front of each other to have a conversation, how serious are they, really? If you're not serious, I'm certainly not devoting a ton of time or effort to the situation.

If all you want to know is how my day went and do I still want to meet for dinner tomorrow, I think that can be handled via text. That way, I can still be out running errands, or out with friends, or working at home, and have this conversation.

Plus, to be honest, most people (Trooper included) talk on a blue tooth. I think those are obnoxious. They pick up all sorts of backround noise and make it nearly impossible for me to hear what the person is saying. Plus, they still continue to run errands or whatever, which also means I can't hear them, and don't have their full attention.

If you're not even paying attention to me or what I'm saying, how connected are we, really? If we're not going to be connected, I would just as soon have mutiple conversations at once - which I can't do if I'm talking on the phone.

Not the girlfriend

So, Engineer is getting married next month (yay!). He invited me with a "plus one." At first, I wasn't going to bring a date. Going solo wouldn't bother me. I'd just chat and make friends with my table-mates.

But it's a formal affair, with dinner and dancing - and no one I know. The more I thought, the more I felt it might be more fun with a date.

The thing is - I'm not at the "wedding date stage" with anyone at the moment (remember - timing is everything). It would be relationship suicide for me to invite someone who might not show up, anyway. If you think I'm tough on people who cancel on me, you don't want to see what I'd do to someone who canceled on my friend.

So - I invited Trooper.

For those keeping track, or if you're new around here - yes, I'm taking a guy I used to date to the wedding of another guy I used to date.

The thing is- Trooper will be a great date. He'll be on time, he looks absolutely phenomenal in a suit (and knows to wear one). He'll open doors, pull out chairs, and help me with my coat. He's met Engineer, and is super-fun at a party. He might even dance with me.

He even responded to the invitation perfectly. He thanked me for inviting him, and said he'd love to go. No one is ever that enthusiastic about hanging out with me - and definitely not for something like a wedding.

I thought to myself, wouldn't it be nice to meet a guy who would respond that way? I mean, one who wants to date me. They're never that nice.

Then it occurred to me - that's probably one of the main reasons Trooper was so cool. It's not a "date" since we're just friends. No date means no pressure. Since I'm not his girlfriend, he's free to say no. That freedom makes everything more pleasant.

Of course, dating takes away some of that freedom. A guy who is in a relationship feels obligated to say yes, to keep his girlfriend/wife happy. But what does that say about dating? That it's a series of unpleasant obligations, done so that you don't have to meet new people?

What about my hope, to meet The One? A guy who will be nice to me, even when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want? I'd have better luck finding a leprechaun to lead me to his pot of gold.

I suppose there is always the possibility that nice guys exist. Even when we dated, Trooper was a good guy (but don't tell him I said so).

If I found one, perhaps another isn't too much to ask.

Spouse in the house

My church pastor loves to say, "Find your spouse in the house!" It's a Christian church, where divorce is a sin and sex is for marriage and making babies. The singles he's talking to are twenty-somethings looking to start a family. There are very few singles my age. I'm not convinced I've ever seen any, to be honest. So naturally, he's not talking to me.

Still, it was a little uncomfortable when I was sitting next to Trooper during Saturday's service, when we hear Pastor say, "Find your spouse in the house. Maybe your spouse is sitting next to you right now!"

I have never in my life wanted to duct-tape someone's mouth shut. I'm sure God would have understood.

Found it here

Trooper owes me shoes

For years, when things would go wrong in my dating life, I would tell X it was all his fault. After all, I'm supposed to be married to him...if he'd never left me, all this dating nonsense wouldn't be an issue.

But X is really good to me, and besides - I probably can't hold him responsible forever. At some point, it was bound to happen that another great relationship would come along, fail, and that would be the relationship that was supposed to work, and that would be the guy to blame for future disasters.

I believe that baton has officially been passed to Trooper.

Last month, I met this guy on Plenty of Fish. He seemed nice enough, and he seemed interested and willing to put himself out there and ask me out. It took us a couple of weeks to get our schedule in synch, and finally met for drinks one Saturday night.

Side note: I thought we were meeting for dinner, since we met at a restaurant, and he had them seat us at a table. Turned out he wasn't eating, so I just got an appetizer. This should have been a hint, but I missed it completely. Lesson learned.

That Monday he asked if he could "take me to dinner" that week. I said yes. He asked me to pick the restaurant (SN: I hate that. Come with a plan. If I wanted to do all the work, I'd just go to dinner alone.). Parking was tough, so we walked over from an adjacent parking lot. I was concerned about falling on snow, and he laughed at me. No, I'm not kidding. Then he made fun of me. "Oh, don't worry, I'll hold your hand."

I should have ended the date right then, but I'm very polite.

Once we sat down, he announced he wasn't eating - again. Now, I was raised that you don't eat in front of someone who isn't also eating. He informed me that was "stupid." Then he proceeded to tell me he doesn't eat a lot of foods for health reasons...which was a big fat lie because he was looking at the chicken wings at the time.

He eventually admitted he's just a very picky eater. That was evidenced when the waitress came and he agreed to order a sandwich - and then gave her the biggest hassle over choices of sides and additions to the sandwich. Just as embarrassing as calling her hon and then laboring over the bill.



I posted this picture on Trooper's facebook.
Even provided a link and my size.
That's reasonable, right?

 Conversation was tough. First he wanted to hear about my exes, and what had happened. He didn't believe what I told him, which annoyed me - but not nearly as much as when he started to "explain" why men sometimes "need to lie to protect a woman."

I swear it's a miracle I didn't stab him with my fork.

When he started telling me about his ex, and how much he regrets losing her and how he hasn't been able to "close that door all the way" - I put on my coat and said I needed to leave.

Now, I understand that Trooper and I are not meant to be anything more than friends. I understand that everyone - even this guy - comes into my life for a reason. I can't call this date a "mistake." But he laughed, condescended, poked fun, lied, defended lying, accused me of lying, and was rude to me and others.

So, while I understand that ultimately I am responsible for my own choices in life - I still say Trooper owes me shoes.

NaBloPoMo - Friends with exes

Today's writing prompt is...

Do you remain friends with exes after you break up?

I'm pretty sure we covered this territory before. If we haven't, the fact that I'm constantly referring to advice from X and Engineer should be a hint that I remain friends with exes.

Not all exes, though.

For instance - Big and I don't speak. I think he was pretty annoyed when he found this blog, though we spoke a few times after. The truth is, I haven't seen him in person since the day we broke up (almost 2 1/2 years ago). We are still friends on social media (twitter, facebook, etc.) but we never interact.

I'd like to say it's because we have nothing in common, or that we were too in love to stay friends, or that our friendship just didn't develop enough strength.

But that wouldn't be true.

The truth is...I wasn't mature enough to stay friends with Big. He's a good man. He may have used poor judgment, but whatever he did, it wasn't any worse than some things that have been done to me since. Love is tough, and relationships are difficult. I didn't realize that what he did was...well...kinda normal. I had a lot to learn, and in the meantime, it cost me a friend. Truly my loss.

They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those who come for a reason are here to teach us something, or serve a purpose. Those who come for a season are here to get us through a difficult time, or maybe enhance a happy time. Once the purpose or the time is met, that person leaves our life. It may feel sad, but it truly is something for which we should be grateful. Life sent us that person to bring the help we needed - like a guardian angel.

Those who are meant to be in our lives for a lifetime - well, they don't ever leave. Their role might change (from lover to friend, for example) but they'll always be there. For this, we should also be grateful. A forever-friend is truly a blessing.

It's true that X, Trooper and Engineer have each come and gone and come back to my life in their own way and time, but I think the fact that they found their way back is what shows they are forever friends. I guess Big was a season for me. He taught me a lot; and I am forever grateful.

(There are also exes who just simply don't deserve friendship - either because they were jerks, or they weren't around long enough for a true friendship to develop. But that's a different post.)

A tone for 2013

I dreaded writing this post, but I suppose it needs to be done. The blogosphere loves a good year-end recap, and since what I write about is dating... Sigh. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

2012 started off just ducky. I thought I'd found the love of my life; my happily-ever-after. He turned out to be nothing more than a really well-disguised frog who broke my heart and sent me reeling into months of grief and heartache. Thank goodness for good friends.

Then I met a guy who, though it didn't work out, taught me an awful lot about myself. I learned what I really want from a relationship, and what I need to change in order to find it. Plus he took me on a really good vacation.

I also met a couple of OK guys. One taught me that ridiculously good-looking guys could actually be interested in me. A valuable lesson, which helped me to meet another guy.

I attempted a dating nap - and failed miserably. It's coming, trust me.

I went on a few really bad dates. Eventually, I met a guy I really like, which has led to very little positive. You haven't heard about him, because I can't even find words to describe how I feel. Yes, it is that bad, and that is how the year is ending.

Still, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I learned a lot, did a lot, and made some important decisions. I made some bad choices, which led to some good stories.

But I'm not sorry to see 2012 go.

I plan to ring in 2013 alone; home with my new TV, my BluRay (both courtesy of X), and my kitties. I believe that 2013 will be a good year, full of positive choices and options, and new, exciting stories. I believe 2013 will be a year full of happy. I believe that any good I find will start within me. 

So the tone I'm setting for 2013 is one of peace and quiet, and comfort and happiness - all found with me, and me alone. I'm hoping it helps me to find the center I'll need to move forward and make 2013 a fabulous year.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." Hellen Keller

Choose positive

I joke a lot, and sarcastically say, "If it could happen to anyone...." Whenever Trooper would hear me talk like that, he would always say, "Don't speak that into existence."

Trooper taught me a lot about the power of positive thinking. When I spent time with him, I started expecting good things to happen. They did - until that boat sank. It hurt so much, it was easy to fall back into the habit of waiting for the other shoe to drop any time things were looking good. I convinced myself that the only way to avoid hurt like that was to not to let myself be positive.

I know I can still see good, because I'm always speaking positive things for others. A friend wanted a new job...I encouraged him until it happened. Another friend wanted things to go well with a new guy...and I kept saying, "It will, it will." And it is.

But when it comes to my own life, I always feel like I have to prepare for the worst. I expect the bad, and tell myself it's just to protect my feelings when the the potential let-down hits.

But recently, I've started to wonder - is that what I'm doing? Or am I just speaking bad things into existence?

I realize if I hope for something specific, it might not happen. If I look back at all the things I have really wanted that never panned out, I can see how it turned out better. So I know things in my life are happening as they should.

Why can't I focus on that? Hope for the good things. Think on the positive; speak about it. Hope for the best. If it doesn't happen - sure, I'll be disappointed. I just need to remind myself that if one thing doesn't work out as I hoped, it's probably just because something better is coming along.

History proves that.

In the meantime, I get to be happy because I'm hopeful. When I'm happy, I embrace the good I already have. When I see the good - I care less when the bad actually happens.

So if I choose to be positive - I can actually change the way my life looks, even if I can't always control my own circumstances.

And to think....this idea hit me while I was at the gym.

Lesson learned already

"I believe God has a plan. Just wish He'd stop with all the false alarms." 

"They're considered lessons. God doesn't test us, but He does allow us to learn lessons. We keep making the same mistakes until the lesson has been learned."

I was talking with a friend about how I'm tired of meeting all the wrong guys, and while I trust that there is a plan for me that includes the right guy - I'd just like to get on with it already.

I thought about what my friend said, and I think she's right. There have been lessons that I needed to learn. But like I said to her...

I've got the lesson down about not staying with the wrong guy just to be in a relationship. I've absolutely mastered the guy who says he's interested, only to disappear. I'm a black-belt in guys who get into a relationship, only to drop me like a hot potato just when things seem to be going along nicely.

So what the heck is left?!

I have been over and over and over this in my head. It's probably irrational, but I have myself convinced that if I can figure out what the lesson is, I can learn it, and then true love will just fall out of the sky and land at my doorstep. Preferably on a good hair-day.

I know it probably won't happen exactly that way...but if there's a lesson to be learned, I'd still like to figure it out, if only for myself.

I've been talking about it a lot...but I think for me, communication is one of the biggest lessons. I'm just not good at it - at least not when it comes to a significant other. When I was married, the only time we "communicated" was when we fought. The rest of the time, we kind of just hummed through life as though everything was fine. That was probably largely my fault, because that's the way my family operates, and it's the way I was raised.

Since I've learned to associate communication with fighting, I'm constantly afraid that if I attempt to communicate with a guy, he'll perceive it as me picking a fight. Since I don't want to fight - I avoid communication.

Which isn't really working out so well for me.

I was absolutely horrible with Big. I improved a little with Trooper. I got incredibly good at it with Sparrow. I'd really like it if the universe could send me the guy who can help me pass that final exam. I think I'm ready. I finally realize that saying what's on my mind isn't the same as fighting - now I just need someone to help me practice.

Connected to all of this is a lesson in my own self-esteem. I need to remember that my feelings and desires and worries are just as important as the other person's. I learned to not feel that way from a previous relationship (Pre-X) that I never talk about, because it was quite painful. He was simply awful to me - abusive in every way. It's amazing how long we carry some things in life. I didn't even realize how big this guy's impact on me was until after X and I separated.

He convinced me that what I want in a relationship is far less important than what the other person wants. He also convinced me that if I don't give the other person everything he wants - I'm not good enough. He sealed the deal by making sure I always knew how fat, ugly, and stupid I am.

Great guy. Found him at the mall. Probably why I look for guys on the internet now. 

So how do I get over that? There are a million techniques, and I know them all. My self-esteem is a fight - but it's one that I'm winning. I think the big thing when it comes to relationships is not to let the other person affect how I see myself.

I am that girl who lets guys affect her self-esteem. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely have my own identity, and for the most part, I feel absolutely wonderful about myself.

But when I like someone, and he doesn't like me back - the wheels fall off. Before I know it, I'm right back in my 19-year-old self's shoes, sick to my stomach because I'm not good enough. Then I start trying to fix whatever I did wrong - making promises and changes, practically begging for another chance.

I notice it a lot when guys go AWOL. I get bummed, and down on myself. It's frustrating because I know better; I know not to expect more from someone than what he's promised, and I know that if someone disappears, it says more about him than it does me. Yet, I can easily get really bummed over one guy.

If that were any of my friends, I'd tell her to get her head on straight. That she's beautiful and smart, and if this guy was too stupid to see how lucky he was to have a chance with her, then he's not worth a second of worry. I'd be right, too.

So why can't I just take my own advice?

I get it. I know the right person will see me for the fabulous person I am. I also know the people who don't see it are obviously not right for me - and so their opinions don't even really matter. Knowing isn't the problem; I struggle with remembering in the moment.

Still, I know I'm getting the hang of this lesson. Know how? Any other time I feel rejected, the first thing I do is look for validation from another guy. I text a guy I already know; or more likely, I jump online and find someone new.

Not this time. This time, I'd already decided that if recovery was necessary, I would do it on my own. That I don't need anyone else to remind me how wonderful I am. I decided it's time to learn to remind myself.

So I may not have mastered this lesson yet - but I'm just about there.

Time to sweep off the doorstep and grab my hair dryer.

I'll admit...

...that I got this idea from Baking Suit.

...that I should probably not continue to spend time with Chef - but I probably will, at least for now.

...that Mr. Ding-a-Ling and I might not be compatible for the long run, but I'd still like to meet him.

...that While mysterious and intriguing may not be the basis of a great relationship, they could be the basis of a really great story.

...that My future is so important to me, I have a tough time living in the present.

...that I sometimes give myself permission to make a mistake, as long as I know I'm not hurting anyone else, and I believe I can handle any personal consequences.

...that It has taken me a long time, but I finally know what I want out of life, and a relationship, and I'm getting much better at recognizing when a person can't offer what I need.

...that I probably seem like I make all sorts of bad decisions, but that isn't always the case.

...that Sometimes I talk to guys just for entertainment, practice, or a blog post.

...that Sometimes I'm too careful.

....that Other times, I'm not careful enough.

...that I'm happy that Trooper is in my life, but sometimes it breaks my heart that he doesn't love me the way I love him.

...that I really do miss Sparrow, even though I know it couldn't have worked.

...that I am sometimes afraid that I will never find the love that I want.

...that I am sometimes afraid I don't deserve the love that I want.

...that I sometimes doubt if I'm pretty enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or successful enough. Sometimes I just doubt if I'm enough, period.

...that I always (eventually) come back to my faith, and repeat to myself over and over, "Just believe" - and then I do.

...that life is scary, and it would be a hell of a lot scarier if I didn't have my friends.

My bitch-switch...and other fine qualities

Trooper and I have been talking. Turns out, we actually get along as friends, which is nice. I missed having him around. He "gets me" in ways that many others don't.

I even talked to him a little about Sparrow, and the fact that we were "on a break." Trooper's take?

"You're not that into him because I set the bar too high." 

He was kidding (I think), but the truth is - he may be on to something.

I was once told that I "should come with instructions." Sounds harsh, maybe, though it was said in humor, and out of love. It is also not really that much of an exaggeration.

It's hard to face our faults. After a divorce, a few years of dating, and several failed relationship-attempts, I'm starting to come to terms with at least some of mine.

Source



I can be opinionated. I'm more than happy to listen to what you have to say, and on some issues, may even be swayed a little. But when it comes to things about which I'm very passionate - don't bother. Not only don't I want to hear what you have to say, it's very possible I will interpret your opinions as an attempt to convince me I'm wrong. Then I'll get angry.

Speaking of angry...

It takes a lot to get me there - but once I am, it takes even more to get me back. Not only that - it comes out of nowhere. I don't always express my frustration early on, figuring it's probably not worth the aggravation. When I hit a certain threshold - I can't hold it in anymore. As a result, I appear to go from nice to bitch in about 10 seconds. I call it my bitch-switch.

The right guy has mastered the difference between sharing his opinion, and convincing me mine are wrong. He knows to look for the subtle "anger cues" that even I can't hide. This prepares him for the bitch-transformation. Even better if he can anticipate what will get me to that point, and head it off at the pass.

I need things a certain way. Blame the fact that I'm an only child. Blame the fact that I'm a daddy's-girl. Blame the fact that I've been single for a little while. I don't care - but be ready to accept the fact I don't like to be kept waiting, when I'm hungry I need to eat, I will check my phone more than you, and I require more time than you to get ready for any event, ever.

The right guy not only accepts these things, he plans around them.

I don't share well. This is probably also a result of being an only-child. There is plenty that I will happily share: I'll loan people (who I trust) my things; I'll loan people money with no thought to when (or if) I might be paid back; I love to give gifts and am happy to give my time.

But don't ask me to share my closet space - and never ask me to get rid of my stuff to make more room for yours. Don't invade my personal space. Don't ask me to share a computer, or a TV. I need those things when I need them, and there is no room for negotiation.

The right guy plans for this stuff. He can also tell when a surprise hug would be cute - and when it might be invasive.

I like to be a priority. Not all the time (I do actually know it's not always about me). But sometimes it's nice to know that with everything a person has to choose from (friends, sports, hobbies, strip clubs) - I come first.

The right guy knows just how to do this - because he wants to, not because it's required.

I suppose it sounds like I'm asking for a lot. The truth is - I may be. Here's the thing...

I've been with a great guy who could do all these things. Even now - after fights, and bitterness, and anger, and tears, and separation, and finally moving on and becoming friends, he still knows me better than anyone, and accepts me the way I am. He can still tell, better than anyone, how I will react to just about anything, if I'm getting in my own way, or if I'm about to go bitchy.

He never complained about moving boxes upon boxes of shoes, or decorations, from one place to another. They were important to me, so he made them important to him. He put me first - ahead of friends, sports, and hobbies. Always.

He made sure there were always two bathrooms, so I could get ready at my own pace and in my own space. When we had to share - he got out of my way quickly, anticipating the time I'd need.

Source

I suppose this is one of the true hazards of dating after a long marriage. Sure, you know all the things that didn't work, and what not to do again. But you also know what can make a person wonderful, and you hope - or expect - that someone else will do the same.

The thing is - none of that would have happened if he hadn't been getting something in return. I know I have an awful lot of wonderful to offer some lucky guy.  *pats self on back*  I not only know my faults, I know my strengths (I'll spare you that list). I'm not asking to get anything I'm not also willing to give.

So yeah - I'm looking for someone who shows that he's capable of that much wonderful. I know it takes time to work up to that point - but the potential should be there almost instantly.

Trooper was right about the bar being high. Between you and me, he's even right about the fact that he reached (and easily cleared) the bar.

He's just wrong about who set it so high in the first place.

Love is scary

You may have guessed from recent posts that Sparrow and I are not seeing each other anymore.

Technically, we're "taking a break." While I hate that phrase, it is the most appropriate for the situation. I don't have the sense that things are over, but my heart isn't in the relationship right now. I'm not sure enough to continue moving forward. While it would have been more comfortable to keep him in the dark while I sort through my feelings (so I wouldn't have to worry about losing him), that wasn't fair. I didn't like having that done to me, so I wasn't about to turn around and do it to someone else.

So, to be fair to Sparrow, I told him how I was feeling and that I needed to take a step back and figure some things out. A "break" was agreeable. [As predicted in that linked-post, the conversation was uncomfortable and it did suck - but was absolutely necessary.]

So, why the break? A few reasons....

The distance. It's not an insurmountable distance. Truthfully, I know couples who've survived (and even flourished) with a far greater physical distance between them. My issue is that I feel the distance has dictated how quickly our relationship has moved. Our dates have been marathons from the very beginning, largely due to the travel involved. Part of me wonders, if we'd started with a quick cup of coffee, would we be where we are now?

The fact that we have to travel so far means we're really only spending time together on the weekends. Which means that if we don't see each other on the weekends - we don't see each other. That is not the relationship I want for myself. But being together on the weekends means giving up other stuff. If I'm there, I have to miss out on my own life at home. If he's visiting, then I have a house-guest, and am still not free.

I realize that compromise is a part of any relationship. Being with someone means I will have to give up time alone, or time with friends. But I feel like the distance is forcing me (and maybe him, I'm not sure) to give up more than I would otherwise. I don't like feeling that way - and honestly, I could feel it starting to affect how I viewed the relationship.

Our differences. Yes, I know, I've mentioned this before. I even talked it over with Sparrow. I just can't get past the worry that we're so different, it's only a matter of time before we figure out that we're really not compatible. I just don't want to get invested in the relationship, only for him to decide I'm not really the sort of person he wants around.

Our differences also create another problem: Communication. Sparrow is quite introverted, and not at all used to having anyone around who really, truly cares what's happening in his life. Getting information out of him is like trying to pull teeth. Actually, it's what I imagine it was like talking to me as a child (or a wife).

"How was your day?"
"Fine."

It really wasn't, but I never wanted to talk it through. Thanks to counseling (and blogging), now talking it through is all I want to do - and I feel like I'm nagging him when I try.

Fear. This is all me. I'm afraid to trust. I'm so afraid that I'll get invested and then my heart will get broken. It's not a huge exaggeration to say I barely survived the breakup with Trooper; I don't know if my heart can go through that again.

But an even bigger fear is not being single anymore. How messed up is that? I just said I'm afraid of getting dumped. So which is it - am I afraid I'll be single again too soon, or that I'll never be single again at all? Hey, I promised you honesty - I never promised it would make sense.

I've been single for a while now. Even when I was dating someone exclusively, I never fully trusted that person, or the relationship. I never allowed myself to rely on him. I never allowed myself to think, "This may be be the last person I ever date." (Well, OK, I thought it with Trooper - but I never actually believed it.)

Sparrow is different in every way. He's a kind, loving, warm, generous, caring, considerate, wonderful man who is honest and open about how he feels. I actually believe him when he says he wants me around forever.

So is this me saying my final goodbye to single-life? Am I ready for that?

As I read my own thoughts back to myself, I think, "What are you crazy?! You have a wonderful, kind, honest, loving man to whom you're attracted, and you're going to risk losing him?!"

Great, something else to be scared about.

Here and now

I'm still going to see my counselor. I think he even thinks I might be more normal than I give myself credit for, but I'm not taking any chances. I feel like I could have handled the breakup with Trooper a lot better, and my reaction suggests I could use a little guidance.

Besides - what can it hurt to sit down once a month and talk to someone who is objective, and can give me some tips on how to deal with anxiety, stress, depression, etc.?

This past month, my topic of choice was how stressed I get over not knowing if I'm doing the right thing, and how my decisions to date someone now will affect my future. Specifically - how do I avoid the hurt?

I am afraid to trust, because I'm afraid that the minute I believe in a relationship, or someone's feelings, I'll have the rug pulled out from underneath me - again. But believe it or not - that's not my biggest fear.

The thing I fear the most is doing anything that will make someone else feel even half the hurt that I've felt in the past. 

If I don't know for sure that a relationship is working, I feel like I need to walk away rather than risk leading him on. I don't want to set expectations that things are good, only to find out in a few weeks, or months (Or years!) that it isn't going to work. A big part of me feels if there's even the teeniest amount of doubt, I have a responsibility to end the relationship before anyone gets hurt.

But, as my counselor so astutely pointed out, no one can tell the future. He went on to point out that, because there are so many unknown variables in the future, the further ahead we try to look, the more possible outcomes there are - and the more overwhelming the whole thing can become.

His suggestion is to deal with the present. Concentrate on how I feel about a relationship now, and not necessarily how I think I might feel three, five, or ten years (or even months) down the road.

"Sometimes it's OK just to know something is working right now."

It sounds simple enough...but sometimes the it's the simple things that confuse us me the most.

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." Dr. Seuss

Relationship fix-a-flat

Trooper has been on my mind a little. Not in a "Geez I wish we were still together," sort of way. More of a, "Geez, I wonder what's going on with him?" sort of way.

He's been in touch with me a little (absolutely no talk of getting back together, by either of us), and it just sort of put him in my head a little more than maybe he should be. It got me wondering... Is he with someone? Is he happy? What's he got going on?

So, I poked around a little on facebook, and confirmed what I already basically knew. He is seeing someone, and they appear to be very happy.

I told him that he deserves to be happy, and I meant what I said. I truly want him to be happy, and if I'm not the person who can give him that, then ending things was the right thing. I may not like how it happened, or how it felt - but that's life.

If he's found happiness, I'm happy for him. That's how love - and friendship - works.

But I still found myself a little....melancholy? I'm not at all sure why. I didn't find myself wishing I was in her spot, or reminiscing about how things were. It just got under my skin, a little, to see it right there, in front of me. Then it annoyed me even more that I was annoyed, and my focus was being pulled away from things with Sparrow.

Engineer says the way around that is to cut all ties - including friendship - with Trooper. He said that way my attention isn't diverted, and I can concentrate on the good thing in the present, instead of a painful thing from the past.

I wonder... Is that really the healthiest way to handle these sort of residual feelings? Or is that like using fix-a-flat on a tire? Sure, it'll get you from A to B. But it's a temporary, quick fix to a much bigger problem. Eventually, you have to deal with it completely, or your car won't run right. One bad tire can throw the whole thing off balance.

Here's the deal: Trooper is in the past. Accepting that and moving forward is the name of the game. If I just push him out of sight, out of mind - is that really acceptance? Or is that just ignoring the problem - and if it is, aren't I just setting myself up to have to go through this at some point, whenever I can't ignore the problem anymore?

Would it be better to just deal with it head-on? You know, get the new tire and the proper service right away even though it takes longer and costs more, instead of trying to put a cheap, quick band-aid on the problem.

It doesn't mean we have to become best-buds. But if I run into him at church, or come across one of his comments on a mutual friend's wall, isn't that a better way to "deal?" As uncomfortable as it might be in the beginning, eventually it'll just be the norm, and that awkward, "what am I doing?" feeling will disappear.

Eventually, he'll just be that great guy I used to date, who is now my friend - and things won't feel so off balance.

Give a little, get a lot

In addition to the red flag alert, I also find myself having some trouble adjusting to the fact that Sparrow actually seems to want me around. Go figure. Turns out, this is something quite new for me.

See, Big was happy to let me be around. He invited me out and over to his place all the time. But he was introverted, and so was I, so even though we were together, there wasn't a lot of interaction. Also, I was usually at his place - which meant I could leave whenever.

Truth is, I wasn't as independent back then as I am now, so I didn't crave alone time as much. Fast forward to Trooper, and we also spent most of our time together at his place, and not mine. So again - I had a lot more control over when I came and went. Plus, Trooper's also a guy who likes his space, so he never really crowded me.

Sparrow is different. First of all, there's the distance to consider. It's not like we can just get together on a whim, and then part ways to run errands, and meet up again later. One of us is always 2 hours away from home.

The last few weeks - we've been spending time at my house because of stuff going on for me. Which means if I want to snag some alone-time, I basically have to (nicely) kick Sparrow out.

(There really is no nice way to do that, by the way.)

I find myself having a difficult time balancing my need for alone time with my desire to spend time with Sparrow, and recognize that our relationship is important. I'm not so self-centered that I don't realize the relationship can't be all about me - but I also can't exactly schedule when I'll want (read: need) time to myself.

I expected to find challenges with this new relationship. I thought the distance would be an issue. I was prepared to find it a little difficult to trust, having just come through a tough breakup. I never thought about how, each time I become single again, I get more and more accustomed to being on my own. I was not prepared for so much difficulty in giving up that single space.

Don't even get me started on the possibility of eventually having to give up closet space.

Fallen down the rabbit hole

I'm writing this from a hotel room in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. About four hours north of where I live, Montreal is a whole other world. Literally; a whole other country, where they speak a whole other language.

Earlier this year, I invested in my first passport, because Trooper and I had planned a vacation outside the US. Instead, we broke up, and I put my passport in a drawer, not sure when I'd put the money to use.

Until a few weeks ago, when Sparrow suggested we take a long weekend, and he felt we should break in my passport, which was, "still a virgin."

So I'm here, outside the US, in the only Canadian Province that speaks French instead of English. The street signs and menus and maps are all in French, the currency is different, and there is so much to do, I'm overwhelmed. Which, as you may have guessed, makes me cranky.

Yet, I'm here with a man who is totally putting up with me - even told me I was still fun! - and yet, my alerts are all still set to red, waiting for his bag of hair to show up. I'm resisting this feeling, which I probably should not be doing.

Why? I'm not sure. Part of me wonders if it means he's not the right guy. Then another part of me thinks it has more to do with me, not being able to trust. Not really him....I think he's as trustworthy as any guy can be. But I sometimes wonder if any guy can really be trusted. Or, more to the point, any guy who says he has feelings for me.

"Be patient. You'll get where he is, or you'll find his bag of hair." Baking Suit is probably right. The guy who can deal with me being hungry, tired, while getting lost, and he doesn't get angry? That guy is as rare as a Cheshire Cat. So rare, in fact, that I'd become convinced he couldn't exist. 

Finding him really does feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole.

Change of plans

This week, I am

It was supposed to be like this.

But instead, it's more like this.

I'm OK with that. See ya next week.

Waiting for uncertainty

Part of the reason that I'm undecided about this whole online dating thing, is the waiting. I'm not sure I'm built to just sit around and wait for love.

Well - that's not entirely true. It's not really the waiting that gets to me - it's the uncertainty. I've always said that I don't care how long I have to wait for something to happen....as long as I know it's going to happen.

I know this isn't a very popular point of view for the strong, independent, single gal, but - I love love. I like the idea of forever. I like the idea that there is one person out there for everyone - even if it does take some of us longer to find him than others. I want that it my life.

There - I said it.

That said....I don't mind waiting for my life to be ready, to find that perfect guy. Sure I'd like it to happen sooner rather than later, but I can totally understand if it just isn't time yet. The problem isn't that I have to wait.

The problem is that I'm waiting for something I can't be sure will ever happen.

No one can tell the future, and maybe this is where my faith in God comes in to play. Maybe I need to find a way to remind myself that if I trust in God's plan, then I do know it's coming - I just don't know when.

Sounds easy enough - but there's this uneasy feeling that creeps up now and then. It makes me wonder if maybe God's plan doesn't include someone special in my life. If that's the case - will I just keep meeting the wrong people, and getting my heart broken over and over? Or will I eventually just close myself off to protect my heart, and stop meeting people at all?

That's a scary thought. Between you and me - it's the scariest thought of all.

I recently saw a post from Pastor Joel Osteen, who I learned about from Trooper (irony) who said:

God wouldn't have put a dream in your heart if He didn't already have a plan to bring it to pass.

I'm not sure how Mr. Osteen would feel about me applying his very deep, meaningful message of faith to my online dating world - but there you have it. If God didn't have a plan to bring love into my life, he wouldn't have put it in my heart.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Day Thirty-One

Officially, my love cleanse started on Friday, May 25. That means that Saturday, June 23 (tomorrow) is officially Day 30. (In actuality, my 30 days started mid-may; if you've seen posts on twitter or facebook, you know that I have started dating again. More to come.)

So - it's okay to start dating again. But before I talk about that....

What did I learn?

I learned that I need to stop holding on to the past, or worrying about the future. I put too much emphasis on breaking up my life into segments - before and after a relationship, for example. I need to start looking at life as a complete series of ups and downs. Yes, I was up. Yes, right now, I'm down. Yes, I'll be up again. Stop looking at the before and after. Worry less about what was, and concentrate on what is.

I learned that it's okay to be sad. That there's a process, and it takes time to grieve when you suffer loss. I learned that I'm strong enough to pick myself up - and that I have amazing friends who will help me when I can't do it on my own.

I learned that it's okay to let him boost your ego a little - it's even a little normal. But at the end of the day, you really need to be able to remind yourself how fabulous you are. Turns out - I'm pretty fabulous. I'm glad I took some time to remind myself.

I learned that sometimes, it really is about the other person. That no matter how much you love someone, or how hard you try, if that person doesn't want to work on a relationship - it wasn't meant to be. And that's okay, even if it does hurt to accept.

I learned that I have pretty good instincts, and I should probably listen to them more. I really need to trust when I see a red flag, and learn to speak my mind about those concerns.

I was reminded that just because a relationship didn't work doesn't mean it was necessarily bad, or that he was a bad person. It just didn't work - and that's okay.

I learned that sometimes, you need to embrace your baggage; make it work for you instead of against you. Use it to figure out what works for you and what doesn't. In the end, your baggage can help you build a good relationship, not ruin one.

I learned that no matter how tough it is to be alone, sometimes it's exactly what you need. I was reminded that being alone isn't the same as being lonely. When you fill your life with love and laughter and purpose - you're never lonely.

I expect I'll go through this again; I don't think I'm done with this journey called "being single" or "dating." Will it hurt to have my heart broken again? Yes. Do I want that? Absolutely not - and I don't want to break any hearts, either.

But I learned that I want to be in love. I want a relationship; someone special with whom I can share my life. I learned that looking for that can be painful - but it can also be absolutely wonderful.

And I'm not afraid to try.