Why I am a fade out convert

Anyone who has been around a while knows how much I used to hate when men would go black hole on me. I figured it doesn't hurt to just say, hey, I'm not really that interested, sorry. I've thought and wondered and hypothesized why anyone would just not have the courtesy to tell the truth.

But I have to say, over the last 12 months, I've come to realize there's something to be said for just letting someone fade away. Obviously I'm not a fan of doing that when you have an actual relationship. Once someone has invested, even just a little, they deserve some kind of closure. But for brief exchanges, or even after just a date or two, I am officially a fade out convert.

It happened when I met a guy and we messaged, and then we texted. At first it was OK, but then I realized I really wasn't into the conversations we were having. I tried to be polite - but not encouraging - but he didn't take the hint. I started to feel like I was a hostage of my phone. I felt like I had to reply, and I had to be nice - or I had to explain myself.

I finally did, but it was so awkward. He asked for a reason, and I didn't have one. I just didn't like talking to him. I ended up inventing a story (I think I told him I just wasn't in a good mental place to meet new people), and he went away. But I found myself irritated that I had to lie, and even more irritated that I had to explain myself to someone I had never even seen in person.

It occurred to me that might be one of the reasons that men fade away. They don't have a reason, it isn't personal, and they really just don't want to explain themselves. Maybe the truth is as simple as it wasn't worth pursuing.

I've come to the conclusion that's OK.

A friend said to me, well what about when there's a date and it seemed to go well? That's always bugged me too, but I think we can give it the same perspective.

I've been on some awful dates. Most of the time, the other person felt the same. But I have, on occasion, been miserable on a date - only to hear from the guy, wanting another. He thought it went well. Like he was on a totally different date.

A good date is really subjective. You may have thought it went wonderful for both of you; but maybe he was just good at pretending. Or maybe you had rose-colored glasses on. Or maybe the date really was great, but for some other reason, another can't happen. 

After one date, does it really matter?

I've come to the conclusion that the fade out is a sign that, for one reason or another, this is not the guy for you. It's the universe's way of protecting you from the unhappiness or hurt or even just inconvenience that comes from investing in the wrong person.

I know it feels like there's no closure, and that stinks. I like closure, too. But sometimes in life, we have to create our own. I think looking at the fade out as protection is a great way to find the closure we really need.

The right guy - the one who is really meant for you - wouldn't just fade away.

I am a bad speed-dater

Last week, I went speed-dating for the fourth time. For the second time ever, I had no matches (meaning no one said "Let's Talk" after my name, and they all said "No Thanks"). 

I have to tell you - it's kind of blow to the ego. After a short pity-party involving some Chocolate Therapy (the Ben & Jerry's ice cream), I wanted to turn the pity-party into a brainstorming session where I figure out how to improve my results.

The problem? I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I feel like the secret to a successful speed-date is having a conversation that you want to continue. 

Obviously, 6 minutes is enough time to decide if you're physically attracted to someone. But it's not a lot of time to establish any other kind of connection - especially if you use the entire time repeating the same basic information about yourself (what you do for fun, work, etc). 

So, I try to keep the conversation away from the boring "So what do you do for work?" or "What do you do for fun?" which are staple questions. I think it's more fun to use the conversation-starter questions the organizer provides, or even to talk about what you each think about the whole speed-dating thing. Both of those options are more fun than repeating the same work and hobby history 8-12 times in one night. 

Unfortunately, a lot of the guys seem to want to err on the safe side and lead in with those questions. They all seem afraid to start a conversation that will last more than 6 minutes. They stick to the basics, which are safe, painless, and will easily just fill the time if both people answer. 

But that results in a dozen dates that, at the end of the night, all run together. Nothing stands out

because it's like you repeated the same date over and over. Not only that, but if you fill the time without running over, it feels final - leaving no reason to continue.

I think the secret to a good speed-date is to get a conversation going that you want to finish - but can't. That would (probably) make you check "Let's Talk" and have a real date with the person, if only to finish what you started.

But - apparently that strategy isn't right for me. While I've been interested in people, and people have been interested in me, they've never been the same people. Dozens of dates, and not one has resulted in anything past the first 6 minutes. 

Which leads me to believe I'm either not attractive enough...or I'm talking too much and/or scaring them away with my conversation choices. 

Since I had no matches this last time, Pre-Dating will give me a free event. Though a part of me thinks I should hang up my speed-dating clipboard for good, the bargain-shopper in me can't walk away from a deal. So I may try at least one more time.

But I definitely need a new plan.

A guide to holi-dating

A friend of mine came to me last week with this scenario: I just started dating a new guy, and he's asked me to be his date at a get together on Christmas Day. We'd agreed no gifts - but now that we'll be together, should I do something?

My advice was something inexpensive, and possibly homemade (candy, cookies, what-not). That way it can be more of a "thanks for the date" type gift, instead of a Christmas gift. The last thing you want is to make a person feel bad for not reciprocating on the gift.

She thanked me for my "dating guru" advice. While one might argue that of the two of us, the one who is date-less this holiday might not be the guru, it did occur to me that others might appreciate my input on the topic of holiday dating. So, as my gift to you, here are my holi-dating guidelines.

********************************** 

I feel there's a window of opportunity when deciding to date someone seriously. That window closes after October 25. If you start dating someone seriously after that, you run the risk of a very awkward holiday. Between wondering if you should buy him a gift - and if so, how much should you spend - and trying to figure out what it means if he doesn't invite you to meet his family, you could ruin your whole holiday. Now I realize that at some point, every relationship goes through this awkward phase. I just don't want it happening when I'm supposed to be enjoying my gifts family.

Does that mean you can't date at all the last two months of the year? Of course not. I say just keep it very casual, so that you don't get to the gift-giving, family-meeting stage until January (or later).

What if you do get caught in the gift-giving conundrum? See my advice above. Stick with something inexpensive, thoughtful, and not too elaborate. You don't want to create another awkward situation if he does not have a gift for you. Like I said - cookies or candy work if you're the "make stuff in your kitchen" sort. If you're like me, and only know where to keep the soda in your kitchen, then maybe a couple of movie tickets, or even better, offer to take him for a night out. That's nice, thoughtful, and gives the two of you time together, which is what a new relationship is all about.

I am so sick of this song.

What if you do get caught in the family-

meeting pickle? I'm afraid it's been a while since I've personally had this come up. In this type of situation, I always think it's best to fall back on good old-fashioned common courtesies. Wear a nice outfit, but be sure not to out-dress his family. Bring a hostess gift (stay away from food, as you run the risk of insulting the cook) - wine, flowers, etc. Offer to help clean up after the meal.

What about New Year's Eve? There's a lot of pressure on singles to find a date for this night. It's almost worse than Valentine's Day. I personally think it's more important to start your new year off on the right foot - which means spending your evening on a bad date is way worse than spending it with no date. But that's me. The good news here is that New Year's Eve dates don't have to be serious - they just have to be fun. So that guy you met in November who you've been talking to casually? He's perfect. My advice though? If it's been nothing but casual, don't assume that a date on December 31 makes it anything more. Sure, it'd be nice if you start your new year with a kiss from your soulmate - but the truth is, your year can start off just as nicely with a kiss from your dog.

Just my two-cents. Happy holi-dating!

Stream of thought

Like I mentioned, I had a really nice conversation with this guy the other night. As I wrote in that post, he apologized and we'd kept talking. He texted me last week and asked when I was free again. He said no matter what is going on, he would be there.

So we met for coffee (at the same place where we were originally supposed to meet). Two hours of talking, laughing, and just a generally great time. He wanted to get together Saturday, but the area was pummeled with snow, so we settled for a phone conversation. A three-hour phone conversation that I actually enjoyed.

We made plans to get together Tuesday, to just hang out at my house and watch a movie. Monday night he was asking what kind of movies I like, making suggestions, etc. He said, "It's a date."

I never heard from him. I didn't think anything of it at first.  I knew he worked overnight, so I figured maybe he was tired or busy or whatever. Our plans weren't until later in the day, so it was no big deal.

But since I'd sent the nice "good morning" text around 10 am, naturally around 1 pm, the wheels in my head started turning. What follows is really just a stream of the thoughts that ran through my head as I trudged home through the snow...

• It's really no big deal...the guy doesn't owe me anything. If he just disappeared at this point, I couldn't even really be angry.
• He just seemed so different....I am just irritated that I let my guard down and trusted that he

  

  Just like that - he was gone.

    wouldn't be like the others. 
• It's not like I really lost anything...I hardly know the guy. Just because it seemed like we had a good connection doesn't mean he wasn't a jerk. Maybe I dodged a bullet.
• But would it really be such a big deal to just text me back and tell me something came up for tonight...or that he'd changed his mind altogether? Why is simple courtesy and respect such a challenge for some people? 
• Am I just expecting too much, for people to show me the same courtesy I always show?
• If he planned to just disappear, why make such a show of asking me about my taste in movies, or even asking me about a particular one? If he already knew he planned to no-show, what was the point? 
• I'm so tired of having my feelings hurt. What is it that I did that warrants this sort of heartache? 
• What could have possibly happened overnight, when we didn't even talk, to make him change his mind? Whatever it was, I probably shouldn't take it personally. After all, I wasn't even around, so how could it have anything to do with me?
• Still, it's sort of tough not to take things personally, when the feelings being hurt belong to me.
• At the end of the day, the guy showed his true colors the first time we were supposed to meet, when he just blew me off. No matter how good his reason was, it still demonstrates a total lack of communication. 
• This is why I don't like having expectations...because what really happens always falls short of what you think will happen.

Then I got home and turned on NCIS. /rant

Fool me twice

If you can believe it - it happened again. After almost five years of dating without ever being stood up, I was stood up twice in one week. Before you ask - yes, it was a different guy.

Similar situation...single dad, seemed to have his act together, seemed very nice. We started talking online and we seemed to have a lot in common. What's also nice is we don't live too far from each other.

I emailed him first - and when he replied, he told me he kept visiting my profile but didn't message me because he "wasn't sure I'd reply." So, I took the hint he's not big on the first move, and asked if he'd like to meet for coffee "sometime."

I just wanted to put it out there that I'd like to meet. I did not pressure him into a day. He asked my schedule, he picked a day, time, and place.

The day of, I messaged to ask if we were still on...and heard nothing. At that point, I knew I probably shouldn't bother going - but since we'd actually made and confirmed plans already, I didn't want to just not show up, in case he did. Then I'd be the jerk who stood someone up.

So I went - obviously, he did not show.

Several days later, I got a message from him apologizing. He said he'd gotten some terrible news about a friend, and had been out of touch for several days. He said he felt bad that he messed it up because he "really wanted us to meet."

I decided I would accept his apology, tell him I was sorry about his friend, and said I'm sure something will work out eventually. I did not see any point in being mean about it, or getting angry. I also did not want to question his honesty.

But - as a friend pointed out - I do think if he really wanted to meet me, he would have apologized and then suggested another day and time.

We still talk now and then, though he's made no mention of meeting, and I will certainly never bring it up again. I do have to wonder - what could his endgame possibly be? What is the point of continuing to talk, if you know you don't want to meet?

Fool me once

At the end of the summer, I met this guy. He seemed nice - smart, funny, with his act together. Single dad, with a good job, and a nice life. We went on one date and had, I thought, a great time. At least I had a great time, and he said he did, too.

We made plans (at his suggestion) to go out again later that week. He cancelled last minute, saying something had come up at work. No big deal. We made plans to meet up again that Sunday. Saturday came, and I hadn't heard from him, so I texted him to see how his day was going. Nothing. I didn't really think anything of it, knowing he was busy with his son's football practice.

Sunday came. I texted a couple of times...nothing. So, I assumed he'd changed his mind about getting together again. I was confused, but obviously wasn't going to chase after the guy, so I let it - and him - go.

A few weeks later, he messaged me. Asked how I was, blah, blah, blah. He asked if we could get together - then cancelled on me about an hour before we were supposed to meet. He said something had come up, and he'd like to get together that weekend.

I was obviously skeptical, but I told him sure - he could get in touch with me on Sunday if he wanted to go out. Never heard from him, and once again, I let it go.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I heard from him again. He said he wanted to talk and see if I might be interested in getting together. I reminded him that I had always been interested; he was the one who kept canceling and blowing me off.

He said, here he was thinking I was the one who wasn't interested. He said he'd pulled back in an effort to see if I was really interested - and when he didn't hear from me, he figured I wasn't. He said his friends had told him to stop with the games and just ask me out.

We met for dinner that night. Again, it seemed to go really well. Good conversation, we seemed to be on the same page in terms of what we wanted out of dating. We agreed to get together again that coming weekend.

We texted and talked on the phone a few times over the next few days. That Saturday, he asked if we could get together on Sunday to watch football. He suggested "about 1" at a sports bar. Sunday morning, I checked in with him to confirm we were still on - and he said yes.

So after church, I went (sorta out of my way, mind you) to the sports bar. I was early; about 5 minutes to 1, I texted him to let him know I was there and waiting outside for him. No response; I thought perhaps he was on his way and couldn't text while driving.

Fifteen minutes later, I still hadn't heard from him, and he hadn't walked past me to get into the bar. I did a quick walk through, and didn't see him. The place was packed, so I really didn't want to use up a table unless I knew I'd be staying. I went back outside, and texted him again.

Still nothing.

I checked with Baking Suit on what seemed like appropriate wait-time for a guy who said he'd meet me "about 1." She felt 1:30 was more than reasonable, especially since he wasn't responding. I actually waited until about 1:45, when I'd been at the bar for almost an hour.

Just to be sure, and so that I could never be accused of not having made an effort to get in touch, I called him. As I expected, I got his voicemail.

I was pretty proud of myself. As tempting as it was to leave him a really nasty message, I managed to keep my voice very calm and my message very polite.

"Hey. Thought we were meeting around 1. I've been here a while, so I'm going to head out. Hope everything is OK. Take care." Then I left.

I have not heard from him since, and I don't expect I will. If I do, I reserve the right to not be so polite.

Side Note: This is the guy who felt not responding to texts, calling, etc. was not disrespectful. Given that's his feeling on canceling and ignoring, I'm inclined to assume he just didn't show up because he didn't feel like it, and feels he was perfectly justified in doing so because "that's life."

I now feel far less guilty about telling him I don't blog about dating.

Drama and respect

For a while now, I've been wondering if part of the problem with dating (at least for me) lies in a definition of terms. I seem to agree with a lot of guys that we "don't do drama" and "respect is important" and we both "want a relationship."

But when it comes right down to it - there seems to be some kind of disconnect. Like, a guy saying he doesn't like drama or games - and then playing games with me.

The last few guys I've met who specifically said they don't like drama, I actually asked what they meant. Not surprisingly, they all had a different answer.

One guy defined drama as a person being materialistic or feeling entitled. Another guy felt drama was when people start trouble, or go looking for fights. Another simply said drama was any time a person is unreasonable. (I personally felt this was just a catch-all so he could cry "drama" anytime anyone did anything he didn't like.)

So where does that leave me? I don't go looking for a fight...but I won't back down from one, either. Would a guy consider me a drama queen if I stood up for myself? Even though I do like my "stuff," I also like to spoil people as much as I like to be spoiled. I think that means I'm not "entitled" - but it doesn't mean I don't like a guy to put in effort, and I do look for a certain amount of reciprocity (in other words - I'm not looking to be anyone's sugar-mama). But would that make me dramatic by some standards?

It's not just drama, either. What about respect? I consider it very disrespectful when someone just ignores a text message, or says he'll call then doesn't, or constantly cancels plans - or just plain doesn't show up. I had one guy tell me he doesn't think that's disrespectful at all. He felt that's "just life." Fine. But if I tell you I consider those things to be disrespectful, and I never treat you that way, doesn't that make the behavior disrespectful? I think so. I find a blatant disregard for another person's feelings to be very disrespectful.

Forget about relationship. Some guys think this means that we'll move in together on the fifth date. Other guys think it means he calls me first before moving down the rest of his list of potential dates. I can't even begin to figure out all the different ways people view relationships.

So what's a single woman to do? So far, my only plan of attack has been to keep defining my own terms, and asking dates to define theirs (within reason, naturally). Eventually, I figure I'm bound to run into a guy who shares my views.

Double the fun

More than once in my recent dating history, men have blown me off - or removed themselves from the dating circuit - not long after a good date. I later confirmed that in at least one situation, the guy had met another woman. I suspect the same was true with others as well.

That's just a hazard of dating. Actually, it's a hazard of life. I mean, married people occasionally meet someone new...it's one of the reasons divorce attorneys are so successful. Few things in life are certain, and timing is everything.

I don't object to guys meeting new people, or even going on dates with others. If we've just met, there's really nothing to get upset about.

What I take exception to is these guys making a big deal about not dating multiple people - only to ditch me for someone else. What's worse is coming back to me after ditching me, like nothing happened!

Newsflash: You are dating multiple people. You're just not very good at it.

These guys are bent on only dating one woman, but of course after one date they're not ready to commit to one person. So rather than just go out on a few dates before choosing, they make plans, blow people off, ignore texts, cancel dates, and then come back.

I wonder if they think this means they are "one woman men" or that it's the respectful way to date, because they are only talking to one woman at a time? Or do they know that it's rude, and does nothing but prove that they are easily distracted, not really interested, and will happily vanish rather than be honest?

At least, when I think about it, it's good for me that they're someone else's problem.

A guy thing or a cootie thing?

Why don't men save phone numbers?!

These guys keep coming back into my life (this guy made a guest appearance last week, along with another guy who recently also told me he "really liked me" after date one, scheduled date two, then disappeared.)

They say they lost my number, which I find really, really unlikely. I think it's more like they delete my

Found it here - ironic

number. Or, even more likely, they never saved the number in the first place, and once they delete the text conversation, I'm gone.

I started wondering, is this a guy thing? Or a cootie thing?

So, I polled a few of the guys I know (and trust) and they all told me that when they meet (or met, in the case of Engineer who's engaged) a new woman, they do save her phone number.

I'm not sure that any of them go to the obsessive lengths that I do, to make sure their contact information is complete. I even screenshot a picture so that I can include it in the contact entry (this has more to do with helping me remember who's who than anything else).

But if the guys I'm meeting don't even go to the trouble to save my first name and ten lousy digits?

I need a new dating pool. This one is filled with cooties.

Square peg

Continued from here...

I don't actually remember what the breaking point was. Something happened that made me feel I needed to clear the decks, so to speak, and say goodbye to the guys who were hanging on but not really going anywhere.

Once that was taken care of, I really thought it was time to take a break. I hid all my profiles, and decided I'd just sit tight until things calmed down in other areas of my life.

Then out of nowhere, guys I had dated previously started coming back. Asking me how I was doing, what was new, what had happened, could they see me, etc. Proving once again that even when I'm actually trying to do the right thing, this nonsense just happens on its own schedule.

Anyway...

I'd already been thinking about this one guy, wondering whether I might have leaped to a conclusion too quickly. On the one hand, he had been quick to say I was "crazy" (to paraphrase) and was not willing to meet me halfway when it came to a disagreement. On the other hand - I guess that is a pretty reasonable reaction, considering he probably felt he was being unfairly labeled a liar.

So when he reached out to me, I thought it seemed fair to give him the benefit of the doubt and at least talk to him. So I did.

Our previous dates consisted of us just hanging out at his place. When we stopped seeing each other the first time, it was because I attempted a conversation that would bring us out of that phase. Huge mistake on my part, as eloquently explained in this post from The Awl (thanks Baking Suit).

Looking back, I realize that it wasn't reasonable of me to expect more from the relationship, when I had already settled for less. Something about a cow and free milk comes to mind, but I refuse to repeat any saying in which a woman is compared to livestock. You get the idea.

So, I made a decision that if we were to start seeing each other again, it would need to be different. The first night we spoke was just via text. The second night, he called - at 11 pm on a Friday. I was awake - but when he asked if he could see me, I told him no way. We had a halfway decent conversation, and I restated that I'd like to be his date - not anything less.

Saturday around 8 or so, he texted to say he wanted to see me. I told him we could have gotten together, but that I figured he'd ask to make plans when he had time. I reminded him that I preferred to go out as opposed to just "hanging out" at his place or mine. He said, "Fine."

(Which, by the way, I pictured him saying as he stomped his feet, pouted, and folded his arms, much like my little cousin would if he was refused candy. Not really that attractive.)

Sunday, I texted him later in the evening to see how his day was....and got no response. I eventually decided to email him and ask if that meant he preferred not to speak to me anymore. Said I would respect his wishes either way, just preferred to ask and know rather than just guess (like I had the last time).

He did reach out to me via text, the next day. Then there was a missed phone call... At this point, we still haven't connected, and I have no idea what's going on, what he's thinking, or really what it is we're doing, other than talking.

Part of me thinks he really is just like the guy described in the Dear Polly post. Not really into me for a relationship, and just looking for a round hole to "slide his piece-of-shit square peg into." I suppose time will tell.

What I do know is, it feels a lot better to be 100% honest - even too honest, if that's possible - and demand the sort of treatment I know I want and I know I deserve (while giving that same treatment, obviously).

Whether he sticks around or not, I'd call this a lesson worth learning.

I'm a mess

I make a lot of dating mistakes. A lot. I try very hard not to make mistakes that will hurt other people, and I always protect myself physically. Of course, it'd be nice to protect myself emotionally, but when dating is involved, that's sometimes difficult.

After the whole Trooper thing ended, I did try to get back into a relationship (Remember Sparrow?). I failed miserably. The relationship had its problems, and probably would have ended anyway - but the truth is, I just wasn't ready.

I've spent the last year or so sort of blindly dating. At first I had no idea what I wanted. Now, I think I've figured that out - but I'm still wondering if it's something I want right now, or something I vaguely see as part of my distant future.

Of course, that's really another post altogether. In the meantime...

I've been spending a lot of time thinking, talking to myself, searching for answers. I've used friends as soundboards, written blogs, and even had several heart-to-hearts with my cat.

All of us (cat included) have come to the same conclusion: I'm a mess.

Found here

Not quite a hot mess, mind you. I haven't passed the point of no return on any slut-o-meters (I don't think). I haven't gone full-blown Samantha from Sex and the City, and I can name all of the guys I've met. But I've definitely been on more dates than one might think reasonable, talked with more men than I can keep track of, and all with very little to show (except for this blog).

My problem, as I see it, is I wasn't willing to commit to what I wanted. I convinced myself that casually dating was OK, because I like being single and having my independence. That was pretty easy to believe, since it also happens to be true.

The problem with the casual date (and by date, I sometimes mean sex, sometimes I really do just mean date) is at the end of the day, that's not how I'm wired.

I eventually want a relationship. When I spend a lot of time with someone, I get invested. I start to feel more connected. If I let that happen, all the while knowing it can't ever be more, then I'm setting myself up to get hurt. Which is just silly, and really a big waste of everybody's time.

Respect and courtesy are also a big deal to me. Whether a guy has long-term potential, is just fun to hang out with, or he's the worst date ever, I will always do my best to treat him well. But a lot of guys use the "casual" thing as an excuse to treat a woman poorly. That will bother me. It's going to make me feel unsatisfied and unhappy and a little empty. Most importantly, it's going to make me feel bad about myself and challenge my carefully-protected self-esteem - which eventually turns me into a mess.

I recently came to the conclusion that something needs to change. I realized, after a lot of thinking and advice, that change needs to be what type of dating behavior I'll accept, and engage in. I'm hoping this moves me from the mess category into the satisfied category.

Even though it may mean a short stop in the lonely category, too.

To be continued...

Mars, Venus, and jerks

"Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" 

The "most well-known, long-lived, tried-and-tested relationship guide ever" was published in 1992. I was eighteen years old. Back then, I naturally knew everything, so I had no need for a relationship guide.

It didn't take long for me to figure out that men and women do not, in fact, view anything the same way. If I was at all fuzzy on that fact, it would become crystal clear three years later when I moved in with my fiancé. We lived together for three years and we were then married for ten.

Trust me - I know men and women are worlds apart. In fact, I'm not even convinced Mars and Venus are different enough, but the title's sold millions, so there you go.

I've not read the book...but it seems to be quite quotable. The idea makes sense, and actually, not too long ago, a friend sent me a great video of Mark Gungor talking about the same idea - how men and women have trouble communicating because they don't see things the same.

If you've visited this little corner of the interwebz recently, you know I've had my struggles with communication, and dealing with men who don't act the way I'd like, or expect, or prefer, or whatever. It's happened several times.

Let me be the first to say, some of this has to be on me. I'm too impatient, too greedy, too needy, too selfish, too immature, too unreasonable - too something - in each of these cases. I could have handled any of these situations differently, and still be talking to, dating, friends with, or even in a relationship with any of these guys.

That's called compromise. Relationships are work. I totally get that. But here's the thing...

Found it here

None of these were "relationships" and none of them should require "work." At this stage, stuff should just work naturally, on its own. I should be able to just be who I am (which can be selfish, but also quite charming if I do say so myself), and the same goes for him. If a relationship is going to last, there will be plenty of time for us both to have to compromise and work at it down the road. A real relationship gets tougher, not easier - so if it's starts out tough, where's it headed? I am, quite simply, not interested in finding out.

I also believe that, regardless of where the communication breakdown started, if it falls apart that easily on something as simple as calling when you say you will - we're probably not a good match. If the guy was into me - he'd call. If I was into him - I'd be more flexible. It's that simple.

Which brings me back to the Mars vs Venus thing. I completely understand that men and women don't communicate the same way. However, it's one thing to be a guy (wanting to fix everything, wanting to avoid relationship talk) and another to be a jerk (canceling plans, not making plans in the first place, not calling).

All men are not jerks - and all jerks are not men. I realize some of what these guys are doing can be explained away by "well, he is a guy" - but not all of it is excusable. A lot of it just boils down to common courtesy - which should have been covered by their mom, or their dad, or their Kindergarten teacher. I'm not dating teenagers; these are grown men - they are established, with kids of their own (sometimes grand-kids even).

They are supposed to know better. I'm not supposed to have to teach them or train them how to behave or how to treat me. They're supposed to come already wired on how to treat a woman. If they don't - I'm just not interested.

If it's lessons they're looking for, they should date elsewhere. Of course, they could also feel free to read this blog.

Amateur player

This update on the guy who shut me down is even better than yesterday's update on the guy who blew me off...

I'm sitting in my car, minding my business, checking Facebook and avoiding the gym, when my phone dings at me. It's the shut-down guy, asking me how I am. Then he says to me, "Sorry about what I said to you. Spoke too soon!" [I fixed his grammar.]

I responded by saying I was a little confused, that I had the impression he wasn't interested. Then he asked if he could call. 

Are you ready for this? 

"No," he said, "I never told you I wasn't interested. I said I was out of the dating cycle. Things actually picked up with someone I met before you, and I thought I was just going to date her - but then I found out she had some mental issues."

WHAT?!

It's worth noting that he felt this explained everything, and he thought it was perfectly rational, normal dating behavior. Maybe he's right. You tell me. I thought he was crazy. 

To be clear, the guy did nothing wrong. We went on one date after talking for, like, two days. He owed me exactly nothing, including an explanation as to what had happened. 

I expect that people are still dating others when we first meet. I'm usually dating others, too. I feel like when you first meet people, that should be fine. As you get to know each other and things progress, I feel like it's natural to phase others out. Then you're ready to have the discussion about being exclusive.  

I guess it seems strange to me that he would be that close to getting serious with one person, yet still meeting people for first dates. I mean - it happened in the span of a day. 

But I suppose that turning point has to happen some time...and we could have just had really weird timing. 

The more I thought about it, the one thing this guy did do "wrong" (if you want to call it that) was telling me he didn't want to date when he obviously didn't know this other woman all that well. What he should have done was keep talking to me, but put off seeing me, while he kept seeing the other person. That way, when he reached the (apparently) inevitable conclusion that the two of them were not a good match, he can just slide right into the opportunity he left waiting in the wings. 

That's what a player would do. I think this guy wants to be a player, and he just made a very amateur mistake. I'm sure he'll learn.

Something better

It might surprise to learn that I have been dating a few different men all at once for the last few weeks. (Unless you're my cousin or Baking Suit, in which case, you're not surprised at all.) Less surprising is the fact that this has yielded some much-needed blog inspiration. Yay, horrible dates!

I met one of the guys weeks ago on Plenty of Fish. He's a nice enough guy, but seemed a little off. I wasn't able to read him, and he came across as a little arrogant. He was persistent, though, so we kept talking.

We made plans to see each other on a Friday night...but he wouldn't commit to a time or place because he had "tentative plans" with friends. I finally just said let's do it another time, not wanting to interfere with his time with friends - or be kept waiting.

A couple weeks later, he asked me to go out (again, on a Friday). I asked him to let me know what he had in mind, and I never heard from him. When I called him on that, he said he'd tried to get in touch with me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we went out the next night.

Turns out, this is his pattern. He makes tentative plans, then waits until the last minute to firm things up. I told him more than once that really doesn't work for me. I'm better when there's a plan.

So on our last date, I asked him again. He said he sees no reason to make plans because they usually fall through anyway - because something else comes up. I told him that comes across as him not wanting to commit to plans with me in case something better comes along.

To his credit (or not?), he did not deny that is the case.

Like I said, I don't need to be a top priority all of the time - just some of the time. Once in a while. Certainly, I don't think it's asking too much to make (and keep) plans with me several hours in advance. It's not like I've whipped out my 2014 planner or anything.

I admired his candor - he was willing to admit that he is selfish, and arrogant, and that - even if we actually had plans - I still wouldn't be top priority. He also admitted that he plays a little game, trying to see if a woman will go out of her way to see him, to make sure she really likes him.

I admired his candor - but you can probably imagine that was our last date.

On reserve

Based on feedback, I think maybe my post about guys who don't plan left some with the impression that I'm a little too rigid, and unwilling to compromise. That's not really true. Allow me to clarify...

There's a difference (in my opinion, anyway) between:

"I'd like to meet for coffee Wednesday. I do have to take care of (whatever). Should be free between 5-7. May I call you?"***

and:

"Wednesday? Sure. I'll text you when I'm free." (Then either not following through at all, or contacting me at 9 pm.)

One feels like you genuinely want to make plans, you just need a little flexibility. Like you consider spending time with me to be some sort of priority. The other feels like you want to put me on reserve, but not quite commit. Like I'm an acceptable backup plan unless something better comes along.

I have no interest in being anyone's backup plan.

This works with some people. Maybe they really like you, so they're willing to wait around. Maybe they're really lonely, and just happy to have plans.

I'm not that audience. I don't mind being alone - and I also don't have a problem finding other plans. [Case in Point: Several weeks ago, a date canceled on me last minute. I'd given up two other dates, a party, and a (free) family dinner to make those plans with him. I filled the time, but how happy do you suppose I was?]

So don't treat me like I'm so desperate for a date that I'll put up with your nonsense. I respect you enough to make a plan; show me the same respect.

Don't expect me to sit around, waiting for you to decide nothing better came along. You can't put me on reserve. I'm not a library book for crying out loud.

Listen - I'm not asking anyone to rearrange his life for me. I'm not asking anyone to move mountains to spend time together.

I'm really just asking to get the same respect I give.

***While this is acceptable, an even better plan would be to just agree to meet me at 7:30, when you know you'll be free. If you're thinking, "But what if I'm free earlier? Then I'm just wasting my time," then you're part of the problem. Dating isn't just about what's convenient for you. I expect if you really want to see me, you'll make a plan, and then kill time if needed. If the roles were reversed, that's what I'd do.

Not really a date

It seems some men (Perhaps women too?) are confused on what, exactly, constitutes a date. Allow me to help clarify.

It's not a date if...

• You invite me to meet you at a deserted football field.

  

  Found it here

• You invite me to meet you at work.
• You invite me to meet you anywhere that is potentially unsafe. This includes locations that are secluded, or otherwise attractive to serial killers.
• You spend the entire time on your phone.
• You invite me anywhere, and then ask me to pay and/or pick you up.
• You refuse to agree to a time and/or place until the last minute.
• You show up dirty and/or stinky.
• You invite me to drive to you - and then sit in my car.
• We've never met, barely talked, yet you invite me to your home.

There are obviously exceptions. However - it's only an exception if the non-date is quickly followed up with plans for a real date.

Also - please don't misunderstand. While I appreciate someone paying for me, it's not expected, or even necessary. There are ways to have a perfectly nice, actual date, and spend very little (or no) money.

Also -  yes, these have all happened to me.

It depends

Men keep asking me out. They suggest getting together - but then don't want to commit to a time, or plan.

"It depends what time I'm done with practice."

"It depends what time I get on the road."

"It depends what my kids want to do."

"It depends if I get called into work."

Listen - I do my best to be flexible and accommodating. Especially when it concerns kids - I know those situations can be delicate. Of course I understand that work, family, friends, etc. all need a place on your calendar.

The thing is...if you're dating, that needs a place, too.

I'm a planner. Not because I necessarily like it (I actually don't). I plan because I have to, in order to fit everything in.

You're probably thinking, "But you don't have kids." True - but I work full-time, I have four - yes, four - part-time jobs, and I volunteer an average of 3-5 hours a week. Plus I take care of a house, try to get to the gym, and occasionally I like to sleep. Fun isn't out of the question, but it won't happen if it's not on the calendar.

I have a life. Regardless of how I fill my time, it's wildly disrespectful of anyone to treat my time as if it's less valuable than theirs.

Before you say it, yes I realize men don't think like women. No, not all these men mean disrespect - some just aren't good at planning. I understand that - but I also know plenty of men who plan right down to the last second. So while it may not come naturally to all guys, it's certainly not a biological impossibility.

Besides, most of these guys can plan where they'll be every Sunday from September to January, but I'm supposed to believe they can't commit to a time and place for dinner this weekend? I call BS.

The bottom line is this: I want to feel like seeing me is important enough to be a priority sometimes. Not all the time. Not even necessarily most of the time. I just need to be a priority some of the time.

If you show me I'm not, will I see you again? It depends.

Booty Call Etiquette

I know what you're thinking. "Booty calls" are crude and crass anyway, so how can etiquette apply at all?

Well, first - etiquette is just an unwritten and/or unspoken understanding about how one should behave in a given situation. So etiquette applies to everything.

Second - as long as everyone is legal, single, and consenting, there's nothing wrong with a booty call. In fact, I hate to even use the phrase - but it gets the point across.

Call it a booty call, or friends with benefits, or a f*ck buddy (thanks, SATC). Call it whatever you want. It's just sex - and that's the point. It's sex without attachment or commitment or connection. A complete separation of the physical act from the emotional response.

Supposedly.

Found it here

Actual experts say that separation really isn't possible. Sex releases a chemical in our brain that triggers the emotional response. So one causes the other - they can't be independent. That chemical reaction creates a feeling of connection to the other person.

That's not to say some people can't make it work. But I think that's where the etiquette comes in. We may not be able to control a chemical reaction, but we are in complete control of our own behavior.

If you want to keep it casual, you need to avoid the affection. Talk about sports, talk about movies, talk about politics. Don't get too deep into your family, your friends, or your feelings. That's too personal, and once you start sharing personal stuff, you're moving away from casual.

I've met men who actually avoid kissing. Sounded ridiculous to me - the only place I'd heard it before was Pretty Woman - but I have to say, it does actually work. You may not avoid emotions completely, but they definitely take longer to develop when there's no smooching.

Skip the "I had a great time" text. If you're both just in it for the sex, that kinda goes without saying. This comes across as the sort of check-in you'd do after a date, to gauge interest in the next one. If it's just sex, that's unnecessary.

Along those same lines, don't send the cute little text messages like, "Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you," or "Good morning, beautiful." Not necessary. If you want a woman to see you just for the sex, don't give her anything more.

That's the thing, though. While it can be very liberating to "date like a guy" without attachment, I think we all (women and men) want more sometimes. Some men really want to make a woman feel special and loved - or at least know they can make her feel that way. Some women really want a guy to look at her like she's the only one.

At some point, we probably all need to admit that no matter how much we want it, and no matter how hard we try - in the end, there's really no such thing as casual sex.

Are you a drinker?

On, like, every dating site, users are asked if they drink. The response is usually a drop-down menu, with choices like: Never, Socially, Moderately, and Often.

I don't drink - ever. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had alcohol, and all were 20+ years ago. I've never been drunk. I don't ever plan to change.

So when I answer "never" I am being completely honest. I wish other people would do the same (be honest, I mean - I don't care if they drink).

I would say about 90% of the profiles I see say the person is a social drinker. But what does that mean,

Found it here

exactly?

I say a social drinker is someone who has a drink when he goes out. He's at a bar or dinner with others, and enjoys a drink - or maybe even a few. I'd even agree that a person could over-indulge once in a while, and still be a social drinker.

As long as it's done socially (as in, while in the company of others) and responsibly (as in, there's a sober designated driver or other plan in place).

I'd say someone who has a liquor inventory on hand and is constantly restocking is more than a social drinker. I'd say someone who drinks every night - even when he's alone - is more than a social drinker. I'd say someone who drinks and then drives to work is way more than a social drinker.

Yet few people will admit to being more than a social drinker - even though choices like 'often' or 'moderately' are available.

Why?

I get a variety of reactions when I tell people I don't drink. Some are appalled. Some don't actually believe me. Some get excited at the prospect of a built-in designated driver (which, by the way, is the reaction I find most annoying).

Others feel the need to excuse their own habits. "Yeah, I hardly ever drink," said one. Then he drank three beers at dinner that night, and two on our next date. I'm sure he was in control. I'm also sure, based on his size and the timing, that he would have been legally drunk if pulled over.

It seems like there's a perceived stigma about people who like to drink. I think people are hesitant to admit to drinking more often out of worry they will be pre-judged.

I've been told that I shouldn't say "never" on my profile. That it makes me sound dull, and probably scares people away; that they might figure it'd be a problem for me if they wanted to drink.

I disagree. As surprised as most men are when I don't order a drink, there's no way they're actually reading that part of my profile. Not to mention, if my drinking habits matter that much, we're probably not a good match, anyway.

Lying or pretending, on the profile or in person, accomplishes nothing - something I wish more people would learn.

Speed dating

After weeks of debating and procrastinating, I attended my first speed-dating event last week. I learned about local events through a meetup.com group, which led me to register at pre-dating.com for a local event.

[Side Note: The first Tuesday of every month, pre-dating hosts a free teleseminar on a dating topic. Registration gets you a coupon code which can be used to save 50% on a pre-dating event - or buy one, get one so you can bring a friend.]

It works much like you might imagine:

• There is an even number of men and women. 
• Women sit at the same table all night; men move from one table to the next in order.
• Everyone gets a badge number and wears name tags with their first name only. 
• There is a time limit for each "date." When the time is up, the facilitator rings a bell indicating that the men should move to the next table.
• Everyone has two note sheets with a list of numbers. You note the person's name next to his/her number on both. On one you make notes for yourself; on the other, you indicate "Let's talk" or "No thanks" to indicate your interest. 
• At the end of the night you hand in your feedback sheet to the facilitator. 
• A day or two later, you get an email with contact information for any mutual matches, and anyone who wanted to meet you (in case you want to give them another chance).

The event I attended was supposed to have 12 men and 12 women, but we had several no-shows. We ended up going on 7 "dates" at 6 minutes each.

I know what you're thinking...6 minutes isn't that long, right? Trust me when I say you have no idea how long 6 minutes truly is until you've spent it being leered at by a guy from Beirut who barely speaks English.

What I liked:

• The price (after my discount, not before) 
  
• The location (they chose a fun bar in a cool town)
• The logistics (easy to understand) 
• Most of the people were nice enough
• Six minutes really did seem like just the right amount of time
• They provided a list of interesting questions to ask, in case you found yourself at a loss for conversation

What I disliked: 

• The paperwork - it seems unavoidable, but it does make the transition from one date to the next a little awkward. I made the best of it by turning into a joke and using it to break the ice. 
• The age range - I went to an event for ages 30-39; I was 38 (I turned 39 three days later). Most of the people were just too young. There is an upcoming event for ages 33-42, and I've seen them for 35-44, which is probably more my speed. 
• Feeling trapped - See mention of man from Beirut above. Tough to not know what you're getting yourself into. 

Did I enjoy it? Not especially. It was an interesting experience, and I'm not sorry I went. But it was a tiring, awkward way to spend an evening. 

Would I go again? Maybe. If I could get another discount and find an event for slightly older singles and it was at a good location and I was looking for something to do (or something to blog about).

What would I suggest? 

• Get a drink - for liquid courage and/or to keep your mouth from getting dry. You will do a lot of talking.
• Dress appropriate for the venue, but also comfortable so you feel confident. It'll probably be in a lounge or bar. Others probably won't be too dressed up, and there's no reason you should be uncomfortable. 
• Women should let their best shoes out of the closet. You get to sit behind a table all night!
• Go to an event that's a good age-range for you, but don't sign up if you're outside the age-range - even if you think it would work for you. It's just creepy. Don't be creepy.
• Have fun. Laugh, and make jokes. Show off your personality. Don't try to be something you're not, but do try to put your best put forward.