Actions louder than words

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I broke down and gave this guy another chance. He asked again, and apologized. He caught me in a moment of weakness, and I agreed to meet him last week - not once, but twice.

I do have to say - he showed up for both dates (though he was painfully late for the second). He was polite, funny, and very sweet.

But I couldn't get into it. I thought perhaps I wasn't getting past what happened last fall; then I wondered if maybe too much time had passed.

The truth is, from the very beginning, this guy has been a question mark. Canceling plans, not calling when he said he would, and stories that didn't always line up.

If the stand-up had been an isolated incident, I think I could have overlooked that one time. But I was seeing a pattern. The only thing consistent about this guy is that he is inconsistent.

So, I told him we needed to talk before going out again. I told him a couple of my concerns - and then I said the bottom line is, I just don't trust him.

He did not argue. He simply said he was sorry he wasn't what I'm looking for and he hopes I find what I want.

He said all the right things. I'll admit, for a moment, I wanted to believe his words. But when I stopped and listened to his actions, they spoke volumes about his feelings - more than anything he ever said.

Acceptable lies

While looking for a photo to go with my post about drinking habits, I came across this post from The Daily Dot. The author, Beth Cook, is a Dating Coach (I wonder if she's an expert, too). She's also a little bit of a liar, apparently. Or, at least she gives permission to others to lie.

I agree with some of what she says.

For some odd reason, certain online daters feel the need to share bad things about exes. “I like outdoorsy girls. My ex-girlfriend wasn't interested in hiking and camping.” Oh, really? Is that why you two broke up? Of course not, unless you permanently live off the land. No need to talk about past relationships (including marriages), or really any past experiences. Get into the present and write about what you want now.

*Exception to the above rule: Your past may have led to children. In that case, you should mention them. It’s creepy if you don’t.

If you prefer an "outdoorsy girl" definitely say so. Do you need to mention the bit about the ex? No - but that's not really a lie, either. Also, it is definitely creepy if you have kids and don't mention them. Super creepy.

I don't agree that it's OK to lie about your height, weight, or only show photos from the waist up. I get what she's saying (best foot forward and all), but I believe your best foot includes working with what you've got. I'm a curvy girl, and I would never not post that on a dating profile. What good is that doing? If a guy knows he's only attracted to thin women, I'm just wasting his time - and mine.

[PS - How dare anyone suggest that in order for a curvy girl to put her best foot forward, she needs to hide her body?]

Ms. Cook also said it's OK to lie about vices.

Are you a twice a week social smoker or a once a month marijuana dabbler? Forget about it. Even people who are super-anti whatever mild vice this might be for you probably won't care if you do it only occasionally or only with certain friends. I wouldn't worry about describing your substance habits unless they are excessive. Your date probably behaves the same way.

NO she doesn't behave the same way, and YES she does want to know if you "dabble" in anything, especially if it's illegal where she lives. To some of us - and our jobs - this sort of information is deal-breaking. I wonder if Ms. Cook will pay my mortgage when I lose my job because my next date gets me arrested for possession because it was OK to forget to mention his intense cocaine habit?

Of course it takes time to share everything about your life with someone. No one does that upfront. I'll tell you I'm divorced before we've ever met, but it might be a while before I share all the details about what happened.

But if I don't even mention I've been married before? That's uncool.

Lying is a time-waster. It's not up to anyone to decide what is and is not a deal-breaker for others. Your job isn't to get inside your potential date's head; your job is to show off who you are, and let the right date find you.

Are you a drinker?

On, like, every dating site, users are asked if they drink. The response is usually a drop-down menu, with choices like: Never, Socially, Moderately, and Often.

I don't drink - ever. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had alcohol, and all were 20+ years ago. I've never been drunk. I don't ever plan to change.

So when I answer "never" I am being completely honest. I wish other people would do the same (be honest, I mean - I don't care if they drink).

I would say about 90% of the profiles I see say the person is a social drinker. But what does that mean,

Found it here

exactly?

I say a social drinker is someone who has a drink when he goes out. He's at a bar or dinner with others, and enjoys a drink - or maybe even a few. I'd even agree that a person could over-indulge once in a while, and still be a social drinker.

As long as it's done socially (as in, while in the company of others) and responsibly (as in, there's a sober designated driver or other plan in place).

I'd say someone who has a liquor inventory on hand and is constantly restocking is more than a social drinker. I'd say someone who drinks every night - even when he's alone - is more than a social drinker. I'd say someone who drinks and then drives to work is way more than a social drinker.

Yet few people will admit to being more than a social drinker - even though choices like 'often' or 'moderately' are available.

Why?

I get a variety of reactions when I tell people I don't drink. Some are appalled. Some don't actually believe me. Some get excited at the prospect of a built-in designated driver (which, by the way, is the reaction I find most annoying).

Others feel the need to excuse their own habits. "Yeah, I hardly ever drink," said one. Then he drank three beers at dinner that night, and two on our next date. I'm sure he was in control. I'm also sure, based on his size and the timing, that he would have been legally drunk if pulled over.

It seems like there's a perceived stigma about people who like to drink. I think people are hesitant to admit to drinking more often out of worry they will be pre-judged.

I've been told that I shouldn't say "never" on my profile. That it makes me sound dull, and probably scares people away; that they might figure it'd be a problem for me if they wanted to drink.

I disagree. As surprised as most men are when I don't order a drink, there's no way they're actually reading that part of my profile. Not to mention, if my drinking habits matter that much, we're probably not a good match, anyway.

Lying or pretending, on the profile or in person, accomplishes nothing - something I wish more people would learn.

Since you asked...

Seriously?

... I don't understand why people don't include a photo with their profile. It's dating. Like it or not, physical attraction counts for something. That doesn't make people shallow - it makes them human.

... Some people need to keep their photos offline (they're in law enforcement, a teacher, etc.). That's cool - but offer to share a photo as soon as you connect with someone. Don't expect someone to feel comfortable talking when you know more about her than she knows about you.

... It's 2013, age of the smartphone with front-facing cameras, timers, and stands. Can we please stop with the bathroom mirror selfies?

... Don't take a photo of you in your dingy, dark basement, or at night with no flash. Questionable backgrounds make you look like a serial killer.

... Don't suggest we meet for the first time at your home, or in some dive bar, or that I pick you up and drive you anywhere. I'm not auditioning for my own episode of the First 48.

... Newly single, full-time dads with three kids under the age of 10 who are separated but not yet divorced have no place saying "drama queens need not apply." Trust me, you bring more drama to the relationship than I could ever hope to stir up on my own.

... If you're going to list your body-type as "athletic" and then show a full-body shot- especially one showing off the abs - you really should have an athletic build.

... While everyone is entitled to his or her own preferences when it comes to physical attraction - no one is entitled to be nasty. Saying "skinny chicks need not apply" is as rude as "no fatties." It's enough to just not email us. In fact, we'd consider it a favor.

... When we've literally just met and I ask how you're doing, "I'd be better if you were next to me" is not an acceptable answer. It's an obvious line, and a bad one at that. I could be a psycho. Or a murderer. Or wear socks with sandals. You don't know if I'm pleasant to be around, so please don't pretend that you do.

... It really doesn't do any good to say in your profile you're looking for a "connection" and a "real relationship" and then make it clear in the first five minutes all you want is sex. Newsflash - we can tell the difference.

Guys have to lie

"Sometimes, men have to lie to a woman, to protect her."

That's what this guy said.

I must have given him a quizzical look, because he asked if he "needed to explain further." I am quite certain that any sane, rational, reasonably intelligent man would have taken one look at my face and immediately shut up.

I, apparently, was not having dinner with a sane, rational, reasonably intelligent man. Since he offered, I asked him to please go on. Dinner was boring and I thought this might be amusing.

He explained that a man might know there's a "truth" about him that might scare away a woman who doesn't know him. He wants to get to know her a little bit, and let her get to know him, before he tells her. So, he has to lie - but it's only to protect her from walking away from the relationship prematurely. You know, because she doesn't know any better.

"He's really just doing it to protect her. You understand?"

I really don't think my date was prepared for my reaction...which went something like:

Sure, I understand - I just don't think you do. What you're describing isn't "protection" - it's manipulation. You're talking about letting a woman enter into a relationship when she doesn't have all the facts. You know everything - but she doesn't. The balance is all off.

The truth is the truth. You can hide it, walk away from it, ignore it all you want - it's still there. She's going to find out eventually. You're severely underestimating a woman by thinking if she's "deep enough" into the relationship, she won't walk away from a deal-breaker. Any woman worth dating still would. Your very suggestion that her standards are so low is an insult.

Not only that, now you've given her another reason to walk away. Not only do you have whatever the strike is you've been hiding - now you're a liar, too. Would you want to date a liar? No. So why should she?

Not to mention - wouldn't you rather be with someone who will accept you for all your flaws? So why hide them? All that does is help you find someone who doesn't like the real you.

I could tell he didn't agree with me. Or maybe he just didn't like what I was saying. Either way he didn't argue with me. 

Probably in his best interest.