A little boring

In case you're one of the people worried that single gals are always completely lonely and bored, listen to how my weekend went.

Saturday morning - I was approached by Mr. Crazy-Pants at the gym. He wouldn't take my hints to go away, so I had to leave. I hurried home and immediately hid all of my profiles. On a bright note, I have never moved so quickly during a workout.

Saturday afternoon - After canceling a date on Friday, Bachelor #1 texted to find out how late I would be (I was attending a party out of town). He thought perhaps we could "meet up" after.

Does that sound like an attempt at a booty-call? It did to me - and it annoyed me. A lot.

During the party, I received an email from Chef. Just checking in (after, like, three months). Hopes I will hang out with him sometime.

On the way home from the party, I received an email on Match from a guy I've been trying to connect with for two months. He favorited me, I winked at him, he winked back, I emailed him - and he never responded, until now. Finally some good news! We exchanged phone numbers, but that was all.

I got home from the party around midnight. At 12:30 am, I got a text from a guy who I had never met in person, and only emailed briefly on Plenty of Fish. He'd asked me out for Saturday, so he knew I had plans. Guess he assumed I'd be awake. He suggested we meet out. I declined.

I'm not positive he was attempting a booty call. However, guys, it's worth noting that when you suggest getting together after a certain hour (I'd say about 10 pm) it's always - always - suspect.

While I was lamenting my day by venting to Baking Suit, I got another text. At 1:15 am. From a guy I've been talking with, but haven't met. His text consisted of, "Wyd?" I didn't answer.

Talk about suspect. This totally felt like another attempted booty-call. At this point, I just wanted to cry.

On Sunday, I'd agreed to meet Mr. 12:30am for coffee, though I had no hope we would have a connection. I was right. I was in the coffee shop for less than an hour. While I was in there, I got a text from Mr. Ding-a-Ling, and an email from another guy on Plenty of Fish.

I wished both of them a Happy Sunday. Then I went home and hid under the covers until Monday night.

Sometimes, a little boring is exactly what a single gal needs.

Law of attraction

On New Year's Day, X and I met up at a wake. [Great way to start the new year, right? Hopefully my family won't be making this a tradition.]

Neither of us were particularly close to the deceased. We know his family...kinda. So, we sat together, and since it was a wake, naturally we discussed sushi, his girlfriend, and upcoming vacations. Eventually, we got around to discussing my dating life, because why not?

"Billy asked me to stop 'pushing'," I said. "So I have. Now he won't go away."

"You know what that is, right? The law of attraction. People always want what they can't have."

I suppose that's true. I know that "playing hard to get" works for that reason - especially if you're dealing with the sort of guy who likes to do the chasing.

The thing is....I'm not playing hard to get. I stopped pushing because Billy hurt my feelings, and I decided I don't want to be around someone who hurts my feelings.

It's not just him, either. The holidays, apparently, make people just fall out of the black hole. Between Christmas and New Years, I was contacted by at least five different men, all of whom had - in one way or another - blown me off in recent months. Now, suddenly, it seems I'm all sorts of attractive.

Why?

It's the holidays, I guess. These guys didn't reject me before because I was a bad option - I just wasn't what they wanted at the time. Christmas and New Years bring out the desperation romance in people. I'm sure they all went looking in their little black book contact list, saw me, and thought, "Hey, she wasn't too bad!"

Awwww...just what every girl dreams of - being "not too bad." I feel all warm and fuzzy.

Is that another "law of attraction?" I know the holidays obviously trigger something that makes people want to reach out and connect. People, especially single adults with little family connection, feel lonely during that time of year. The urge to fill that void, and avoid the loneliness, makes all the sense in the world.

The law of attraction also states that "like attracts like." The example given is opening an envelope; if you expect to see a bill - you'll see a bill. It's the power of positive thinking - you have to attract what you want.

If that's the case, then when we chase what we can't have, aren't we sending the universe a message that we're OK to settle? That we're willing to be with someone who doesn't really want us, just to be with someone? Wouldn't the law of attraction work that way, too?

I suppose in a way, the law of attraction is just another dating game. Sometimes - games make sense. If you just want a date, or a fling, or attention, playing games is the quickest way. But if I'm putting games out there...wouldn't it follow that I'll get games back in return?

If I'm looking for something honest and true and good - I'm not sure that will work. I don't want attention because I'm "not that bad." I don't want a fling to get me through the holidays, and I don't want just a date to keep me company until he's not lonely anymore.

So I think by saying "OK" to any of that - I'm undermining my own goals.

These are all great guys. I'd have been happy if something had worked with any of them. But for whatever reason, they walked away before.

I want someone who will find me - and not want to let me go. Someone who realizes how lucky he is that I am in his life. Someone who adds to my happy.

My new law of attraction? If you can't give me that, you don't get to stay.

A tone for 2013

I dreaded writing this post, but I suppose it needs to be done. The blogosphere loves a good year-end recap, and since what I write about is dating... Sigh. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

2012 started off just ducky. I thought I'd found the love of my life; my happily-ever-after. He turned out to be nothing more than a really well-disguised frog who broke my heart and sent me reeling into months of grief and heartache. Thank goodness for good friends.

Then I met a guy who, though it didn't work out, taught me an awful lot about myself. I learned what I really want from a relationship, and what I need to change in order to find it. Plus he took me on a really good vacation.

I also met a couple of OK guys. One taught me that ridiculously good-looking guys could actually be interested in me. A valuable lesson, which helped me to meet another guy.

I attempted a dating nap - and failed miserably. It's coming, trust me.

I went on a few really bad dates. Eventually, I met a guy I really like, which has led to very little positive. You haven't heard about him, because I can't even find words to describe how I feel. Yes, it is that bad, and that is how the year is ending.

Still, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I learned a lot, did a lot, and made some important decisions. I made some bad choices, which led to some good stories.

But I'm not sorry to see 2012 go.

I plan to ring in 2013 alone; home with my new TV, my BluRay (both courtesy of X), and my kitties. I believe that 2013 will be a good year, full of positive choices and options, and new, exciting stories. I believe 2013 will be a year full of happy. I believe that any good I find will start within me. 

So the tone I'm setting for 2013 is one of peace and quiet, and comfort and happiness - all found with me, and me alone. I'm hoping it helps me to find the center I'll need to move forward and make 2013 a fabulous year.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." Hellen Keller

How to go black hole

"If he's trying to blow you off, he's doing a lousy job."

When we first started talking, we texted everyday. In my mind, that set an expectation.

After we met, the texting dwindled. I asked what was up, and he said all was OK with us, that he'd just had a lot going on. I knew what had been happening, and it wasn't something he could lie about or invent. But then I didn't hear from him. For nearly a week.

I assumed he'd been sucked into the black hole, and I would not be hearing from him again. Then, out of nowhere, I get a text asking if I could get together the following week.

Confused, I asked - again. I hate to do that, because I was even annoying myself at that point. But the whole thing made no sense - who jumps in the black hole, and then jumps back out with a date? That's new.

He insisted he wasn't blowing me off, and that he wouldn't - "If I wasn't interested, I'd say so." I let it go, but was still convinced the black hole was trying to suck him back. That's when my friend said he's doing a lousy job at blowing me off.

Which makes me wonder - maybe he's new at this, and needs some tips? We all know I'm here to help, so if you're going black hole....

- Stop texting; for the love of all that's good - don't call.
- If she texts you, don't reply right away. In fact, only reply after she's sent about five texts.
- When you do reply, be as vague and short as possible.
- Under no circumstances should you set a date, or agree to one if asked.
- Never, ever tell her that you really are interested; she might actually believe you, and then you're stuck.

You may be thinking...wouldn't it be easier to just tell her I'm not interested? Duh. If you know you're not interested, you could take that sincere, honest, mature, respectful approach. I mean - extreme circumstances and all.

But going black hole isn't always about knowing what you want. Sometimes, you go black hole because you think there might be something better - but you're not entirely sure you want to give up on this person quite yet. In a case like that, avoiding her might not work. Most women will take just so much of that, before they're gone for good.

If you need to keep her hanging on just a little bit longer, try a nicely worded, properly-vague excuse like,

- I've got too much going on right now to focus on this relationship.
- I really need to work on myself.

This should put her off enough that she leaves you alone, while still leaving you an opening to sneak back in, should whatever else you've got going not work out.

****Warning****

You should establish your reason for going black hole first - is it because you're not interested, or you're not sure? This is important because confusing reasons and methods will not work.

Excuses, reasons, and explanations should be kept as vague as possible. Should you try to sneak back into the opening, you will have to remember what you said, and be prepared to explain what changed. The fewer the details, the better.

These methods should only be used on naive, immature women with a slighly lower self-esteem. Those women tend to fall for the half-truths more than others.

Trying these methods with a woman who knows how the game is played will backfire. She will see right through you, and probably use your own words and games against you at some point. Because, let's face it, women are just as good at the games as men - but we're also much meaner..

Lesson learned already

"I believe God has a plan. Just wish He'd stop with all the false alarms." 

"They're considered lessons. God doesn't test us, but He does allow us to learn lessons. We keep making the same mistakes until the lesson has been learned."

I was talking with a friend about how I'm tired of meeting all the wrong guys, and while I trust that there is a plan for me that includes the right guy - I'd just like to get on with it already.

I thought about what my friend said, and I think she's right. There have been lessons that I needed to learn. But like I said to her...

I've got the lesson down about not staying with the wrong guy just to be in a relationship. I've absolutely mastered the guy who says he's interested, only to disappear. I'm a black-belt in guys who get into a relationship, only to drop me like a hot potato just when things seem to be going along nicely.

So what the heck is left?!

I have been over and over and over this in my head. It's probably irrational, but I have myself convinced that if I can figure out what the lesson is, I can learn it, and then true love will just fall out of the sky and land at my doorstep. Preferably on a good hair-day.

I know it probably won't happen exactly that way...but if there's a lesson to be learned, I'd still like to figure it out, if only for myself.

I've been talking about it a lot...but I think for me, communication is one of the biggest lessons. I'm just not good at it - at least not when it comes to a significant other. When I was married, the only time we "communicated" was when we fought. The rest of the time, we kind of just hummed through life as though everything was fine. That was probably largely my fault, because that's the way my family operates, and it's the way I was raised.

Since I've learned to associate communication with fighting, I'm constantly afraid that if I attempt to communicate with a guy, he'll perceive it as me picking a fight. Since I don't want to fight - I avoid communication.

Which isn't really working out so well for me.

I was absolutely horrible with Big. I improved a little with Trooper. I got incredibly good at it with Sparrow. I'd really like it if the universe could send me the guy who can help me pass that final exam. I think I'm ready. I finally realize that saying what's on my mind isn't the same as fighting - now I just need someone to help me practice.

Connected to all of this is a lesson in my own self-esteem. I need to remember that my feelings and desires and worries are just as important as the other person's. I learned to not feel that way from a previous relationship (Pre-X) that I never talk about, because it was quite painful. He was simply awful to me - abusive in every way. It's amazing how long we carry some things in life. I didn't even realize how big this guy's impact on me was until after X and I separated.

He convinced me that what I want in a relationship is far less important than what the other person wants. He also convinced me that if I don't give the other person everything he wants - I'm not good enough. He sealed the deal by making sure I always knew how fat, ugly, and stupid I am.

Great guy. Found him at the mall. Probably why I look for guys on the internet now. 

So how do I get over that? There are a million techniques, and I know them all. My self-esteem is a fight - but it's one that I'm winning. I think the big thing when it comes to relationships is not to let the other person affect how I see myself.

I am that girl who lets guys affect her self-esteem. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely have my own identity, and for the most part, I feel absolutely wonderful about myself.

But when I like someone, and he doesn't like me back - the wheels fall off. Before I know it, I'm right back in my 19-year-old self's shoes, sick to my stomach because I'm not good enough. Then I start trying to fix whatever I did wrong - making promises and changes, practically begging for another chance.

I notice it a lot when guys go AWOL. I get bummed, and down on myself. It's frustrating because I know better; I know not to expect more from someone than what he's promised, and I know that if someone disappears, it says more about him than it does me. Yet, I can easily get really bummed over one guy.

If that were any of my friends, I'd tell her to get her head on straight. That she's beautiful and smart, and if this guy was too stupid to see how lucky he was to have a chance with her, then he's not worth a second of worry. I'd be right, too.

So why can't I just take my own advice?

I get it. I know the right person will see me for the fabulous person I am. I also know the people who don't see it are obviously not right for me - and so their opinions don't even really matter. Knowing isn't the problem; I struggle with remembering in the moment.

Still, I know I'm getting the hang of this lesson. Know how? Any other time I feel rejected, the first thing I do is look for validation from another guy. I text a guy I already know; or more likely, I jump online and find someone new.

Not this time. This time, I'd already decided that if recovery was necessary, I would do it on my own. That I don't need anyone else to remind me how wonderful I am. I decided it's time to learn to remind myself.

So I may not have mastered this lesson yet - but I'm just about there.

Time to sweep off the doorstep and grab my hair dryer.

A dating nap

As I write this post, it remains to be seen whether or not I will have a second date with Mr. Ding-a-Ling. Whether I do or not, I am quite single right now, and free to search online dating sites, or troll bars and bookstores, or whatever, to my heart's content.

But I'm tired.

This is how I feel.

I'm tired of making the first move, and all the effort involved. I'm tired of trying to put my best foot forward, and being "on" all the time. I'm tired of starting something, only to spin my wheels a few times, and end up in the same place.

Even before my first date with Mr. Ding-a-Ling, I had decided that if it didn't work out with him, I was going to take a slight break from dating. I'm not calling it a full-on break; it's not a love cleanse. I'd still flirt if I met someone; I'd still go on a blind date (so if you know any good single guys - call me); I'll still talk to guys I already know (which, at the moment, includes Mr. Ding-a-Ling; he's not gone yet).

I'm just tired of searching, and have decided to take a break from that part of my dating life.

As part of that break, I've hidden (but not deleted) my online dating profiles (I currently have profiles on three different sites). I realize there's no real effort in keeping them searchable, and honestly, hiding them means I probably won't meet anyone. I'm also tired of the emails from people who I know are not serious, or who are totally wrong for me. Deciding whether to respond, then doing so nicely, and then getting those guys to completely go away is still effort - and I'm tired of all that, too.

I'm also tired of the emails from guys who I've talked with before. "Hey, you're back. Want to go out?" I didn't want to go out with you before - what on Earth would make you think I do now? I'm tired of forcing myself to be firm, but polite. 

Honestly, I feel a little like a loser for taking this break. If I want a relationship, I also have to do my part - and I feel like this is me not doing my part.

The thing is - dating is supposed to be fun. At the moment, I don't consider searching fun; it feels more like work. That means I'm probably not putting my best-self out there - which is also not doing my part.

So maybe right now, my part needs to be working on myself, staying open to possibilities, and trusting that what's meant to be is going to figure out a way to happen.

The bottom line is - I'm exhausted. Dating will always be there, and I can start it back up whenever.

Right now - I need a nap.

Dating is like spinach

"All you can do right now is live your life, and see what happens next."

That's what my counselor reminded me about my post-first-date situation with Mr. Ding-a-Ling. We couldn't schedule a second date right away, and until I get to the second date, I don't really know what's next.

Which I suppose is always true - but under most circumstances, the second date is planned pretty quickly and you know where you stand. In this case, I don't, and it was not sitting well with me.


Source

"I suck at that."

"Well maybe it's something you need to get better at."

"You mean like eating spinach; I hate it, but I have to do it because it's good for me."

Life, I suppose, is full of situations where you have to learn to do something not because you want to - but because you should.

I am personally very bad at doing things just because I should. I like things to make sense. I like them to fall in line. I don't care how long I have to wait for something - but I like to know it's coming, and I'm not just waiting around for something that might never happen.

My counselor suggested that part of my issue might be that I'm so sure of what I want, I keep looking around the corner to see if it's there. Since chances are true love isn't going to announce itself, all that looking just creates a lot of disappointment and anxiety - which is why I'm not so good at this part.

I suppose the lesson is to stop looking ahead. Accept that I know what I want - and remember that no matter what, in something like love and relationships, there are never guarantees. Even if I know something's coming, there's no way to know when/if it will actually show up, or that it will look like I expect when it does.

Even if I take a proactive approach, I don't ever really control the situation. At the end of the day, I'm at the mercy of what the other person wants, and ultimately, what the universe (cupid, God, the Easter Bunny, whoever) has planned.

That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Also, kind of like spinach.

Asked and answered

I've been thinking a lot about how to improve my communication skills...so that seems to be a running theme over here this week.

Several people leaped to a conclusion about how this date ended, based on the fact that I drove all that way to meet a guy who was staying in a hotel. Seems it never occurred to them that a lot of questions had been answered prior to me agreeing to that date.

Like I said - I'm not an expert at this kind of communication. But I am improving.

• Yes, it was our first date - but we'd been talking and texting for nearly three weeks prior to meeting.
• Those three weeks included two full days of a little question and answer session via text; when I say a full day, I mean about a 10 hour train ride. You'd be surprised what you can learn if you talk for 20 solid hours.
• We specifically talked more than once about whether we were both looking for a hook-up, or something with long-term potential; our answer was the same.
• There were no expectations when I met him, even though he was staying in a hotel that night. The man lives out of hotel rooms. No matter where/when I met him, that was going to be the case.

Yes, I realize the whole, "I'm looking for someone to date," could have just been a line to convince me to meet. That's true any time any guy says any thing. If I travel through life assuming that every good thing a guy says to me is just a line, I'm going to miss when someone finally tells me the truth. I'm not willing to take that chance.

Truthfully, it does not make sense to me that this guy would work so hard to get to know someone he saw as nothing more than a (potential) hook-up. Seems to me if that's all he wanted, it would be easier to find someone closer, or just go to a bar and pick up some random person. If he's working that hard for a (potential) hook-up, he should consult his Being a Player for Dummies handbook, because he's doing it wrong.

Yes, I realize it shouldn't be necessary to have the "Where is this going?" conversation after just one date. That makes it seem like there was no discussion before hand. Thing is, the guy has a tough schedule. It was even tougher the week following our date, because he had plans to travel - like, far. I asked if he wanted to see me again. That was all that seemed reasonable after a first date. It's all I want to commit to after a first date. He said yes, he does want to see me again, but he was not in a position to say when that might happen.

It may sound stupid, but not getting that next date on the calendar makes me anxious. All I can do is sit, and wait, and live my life, and see what happens. I can't know what's next until it happens. I suck at that.

I may be bad at communication - but there's one thing I do know: It is really annoying to be asked the same question over and over.

• He said he's looking for something with long-term potential. (He actually answered this question more than once.)
• He said he wanted to meet me; and we did.
• It went well.
• He said he wanted to see me again.

The questions are asked and answered. I may not like exactly where things sit right now, but he's not really to blame for my hang-ups. He has never not answered a question I've asked, and so far, he's been on my page.

Regardless if that changes, what his true intentions turn out to be, or where anything goes - this uncertainty is a part of dating. If I can't handle it - I shouldn't be dating in the first place.

Distance Schmistance

I was talking to my counselor last week about how I've decided that, in order to have the relationship I want, I need to work on communication. During the course of that conversation, the topic of Mr. Ding-A-Ling came up, and he said to me,

"Maybe something you should think about is the distance - maybe it just doesn't work for you."

It's very true that I didn't like the distance between Sparrow and me. It's also true that I'm not a fan of how the distance impacted getting to know Mr. Ding-A-Ling.

But to be completely, 100%, clean-crystal clear on this - I am not opposed to a long-distance relationship.

"I wouldn't mind the distance if I was with someone who would communicate at the level I want." 

"But you're dealing with men?"*

Point taken. I am opposed to a relationship that lacks good communication. It was lacking in my previous relationships - which was at least half my fault - but I was able to gloss over that fact because of how often we saw each other. If you spend enough time together, it's easy to fall into what seems like a good relationship, even if you're not communicating well.

It's not the same when you don't have the option of being together. Finding time to text or call is absolutely paramount, and those conversations need to be more than just, "So how was your day?" You can't cuddle and kiss your way around the fact that you don't talk. The distance actually puts a spotlight on the lack of communication.

I can remember saying to Sparrow that if he couldn't (or wouldn't) work with me on our communication, then it wouldn't matter if he lived next door - things still wouldn't work. I believe that's true. If proximity was all that mattered in a relationship, there'd be far fewer divorces, no?

I won't pretend to be stellar at communication. Intrapersonal communication - sure. I can pull my own thoughts together and easily lay them out in written form. I am less skilled at laying them out verbally for others, but I can usually make it happen eventually.

But communicating with one other person, and putting it all out there, and making sure he knows how I feel, and doing so without fear of rejection, or sounding crazy and controlling?

That's gonna take some work.

*It's worth noting that my counselor is a man - and he still said this.

I never could juggle

One thing I've always wanted to learn how to do is juggle. I feel like I lack the patience, focus, and hand-eye coordination to toss multiple flaming torches above my head, and try to catch them one by one, while keeping the rest spinning in the air. But I feel like it would look so pretty if I could figure it out - especially if I could do it while wearing one of those cute circus outfits.

Easy-Peasy
Found it here

Sometimes I think the same is true with me when it comes to dating. I'm not sure I have the patience and focus to manage, skillfully, putting my best foot forward while also being true to who I am, and at the same time look out for myself and where the relationship is going, while also not being too pushy, or putting too much pressure on the situation.

I mean, I know how to do all of those things - but I can only manage one or two at the same time. The rest seem to fall out of the air and into a burning pile of destruction, usually right at my feet.

For instance, my current situation...

I know I've put my best foot forward, both while we talked and on our first date. I'd like to be that woman who can just casually wait and see if he calls, and then follow blindly while he steers the relationship. But while that might seem like the "best-foot-forward" play - it's not being true to myself.

Being true to myself means saying something to assess his interest-level, so that I know I'm not spinning my wheels. But I want to do that in the best way possible, and with the best timing, so that I don't scare him away.

Do you smell something burning yet?

I asked Engineer what he thinks. He said he's waited until the six-month mark, which may have been a little too long. Then again, he also says women have brought up the "Where is this going?" conversation on a first date - which is way too soon.

So what you're saying is, the perfect time is sometime between now and six months from now?

Yes.

Well that's helpful.

The truth is, I don't have doubts about Mr. Ding-a-Ling's (still giggling) intentions. I don't get a player-vibe from him at all, nor do I get a "I'll just blow you off" kinda vibe. I think he'd tell me if he wasn't interested.

What I do wonder is, between a heavy travel schedule for work, and family that includes kids out of state, and the fact that he doesn't have a permanent address right now - does he have room in his life for the kind of relationship I want?

It could work, but it's a lot to ask of a new relationship. But recently, I've made some really firm decisions about what I want in terms of my relationship status, and I'm trying to make choices that will help me get what I want. That doesn't include choosing to wait around for anyone to fit me into his life.

Not even if anyone makes me drool in my pasta (just a little).

One-hit wonder

So I know I'm supposed to be thinking positively and not getting down on myself. But sometimes that's easier said than done.

I finally met Mr. Ding-a-Ling (I literally giggle every time I type that). Turns out, his current work situation, along with a part of his family situation, has him somewhat between permanent homes. He has a stable job, and is living out of ridiculously nice hotels while that gets squared away. By no means does he not have his act together (just the opposite, actually), but his current circumstances did make it challenging to schedule a date.

After he cancelled our first plans, I asked for a little reassurance he was still legitimately interested in meeting me - and that he wasn't just looking for a hook-up. While I understand sometimes that's all something ends up being, there's a big difference between just ending up as a "friend," and going into it with that expectation.

Found it here

I felt pretty confident that we were on the same page. That being the case, I agreed to a date that would require me driving, and meeting him when his work would bring him close enough to my area. So I did. This also meant our first date would have a very awkward, she-drove-all-this-way-should-she-stay-in-my-hotel-room component.

I didn't want that. First of all, the absolute last place I ever want to be is somewhere I'm not wanted. I would absolutely not want for him to feel he was stuck being hospitable because I drove a ways to have dinner. If we're not clicking - we're not clicking. If that was the case - I also wouldn't want to feel trapped. Nothing like a good hostage situation to ruin a perfectly good meal.

He asked me point-blank, "Is your plan to stay or drive down and back that night?" I told him I'd come prepared to stay, but we could decide that night if it made sense for me to do so. The truth is, I'd have gotten back in the car and gone home; and the reality is, my cousin lives about 15 minutes from where I was, so I had a very safe alternative.

I told you - it may not always seem like I have my stuff under control, but I usually do.

All I'll say is: It was a great first date, and went as well as I could have hoped. We talked, we laughed, and we had good food. He shares my love of all things sweet (yay!). He also shares my love of technology and had no issue with me checking my phone (double yay!). He's so incredibly good-looking I had to force myself not to stare at him. Or drool in my pasta.

After the date was over, though, I found myself wondering...now what? His schedule makes it so hard to plan dates, it's not like I can text him in a day or two and see if he wants to get together again. That fairly simple, innocent question - "Do you want to do this again?" - usually helps answer the more complicated, underlying question - "Was our date a one-hit wonder, or the first in a string of potential hits?"

In other words - I like you; do you like me back?

Even though we've been talking for a few weeks, and have both said we feel like we've known each other forever and feel very comfortable with each other, it's not an easy question to ask. At least if you can just keep making plans, it sort of evolves naturally.

I suppose I could wait and see. I mean, I'll either hear from him again, or I won't. If I do, I could just say, "Are you interested in getting together again sometime?" His answer would (with any luck) lead to a more in-depth conversation about where we both see things going (or not).

But who are we kidding? We all know I suck at waiting.

I'll admit...

...that I got this idea from Baking Suit.

...that I should probably not continue to spend time with Chef - but I probably will, at least for now.

...that Mr. Ding-a-Ling and I might not be compatible for the long run, but I'd still like to meet him.

...that While mysterious and intriguing may not be the basis of a great relationship, they could be the basis of a really great story.

...that My future is so important to me, I have a tough time living in the present.

...that I sometimes give myself permission to make a mistake, as long as I know I'm not hurting anyone else, and I believe I can handle any personal consequences.

...that It has taken me a long time, but I finally know what I want out of life, and a relationship, and I'm getting much better at recognizing when a person can't offer what I need.

...that I probably seem like I make all sorts of bad decisions, but that isn't always the case.

...that Sometimes I talk to guys just for entertainment, practice, or a blog post.

...that Sometimes I'm too careful.

....that Other times, I'm not careful enough.

...that I'm happy that Trooper is in my life, but sometimes it breaks my heart that he doesn't love me the way I love him.

...that I really do miss Sparrow, even though I know it couldn't have worked.

...that I am sometimes afraid that I will never find the love that I want.

...that I am sometimes afraid I don't deserve the love that I want.

...that I sometimes doubt if I'm pretty enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or successful enough. Sometimes I just doubt if I'm enough, period.

...that I always (eventually) come back to my faith, and repeat to myself over and over, "Just believe" - and then I do.

...that life is scary, and it would be a hell of a lot scarier if I didn't have my friends.