Shallow waters

During a twitter chat, The Single Woman suggested that it is good to have standards, as long as they're not shallow. I totally agree - but I think it's important to define shallow.

I guess some people consider it shallow when others are concerned with looks. While I agree that judging people only on their appearance, I don't think it's shallow to look for physical attraction in a romantic relationship. That seems reasonable and very fair, even if it seems shallow at first. 

Physical attraction is important. It's not shallow to prefer thin women or blonde men anymore than it is to prefer black men or red heads. It's just a preference. I think the same can be said for someone having a preference for certain personality traits, or lifestyle choices. Wanting to date someone of a certain religion or political affiliation doesn't make you shallow. Again - it's a preference. 

I've been called shallow because I want to date a guy with a job and a car, who doesn't live with his mom.

While I can see the guy's point, I still think this is unfair. It's not like I'm asking for pay stubs or last year's W2. I don't really care what a guy earns or drives, or where he lives.

My concern is that the two of us be in a similar place in life. I sort of have my act together (mostly), and I'm looking for someone in a similar situation. That's my preference. It's based on experience, and learning what works and what doesn't (for me). I don't think that's shallow at all.

Obviously, in a long-term relationship,  you're bound to encounter rough times.  That might mean figuring out financial problems, or health changes, or even accepting a person as she ages and her looks change. Whatever the challenge, I'm all for working through it together, and supporting one another. I just don't happen to think that's where a relationship should begin.

I think that makes me reasonable - not shallow.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 30

Today's blogging challenge: Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say. 

Dear Derek Shemar You Lucky Guy You,

As I write this, we have not yet met (I hope not, anyway; if we have - boy, do you have a lot of damage control to do). So I thought I'd take this chance to say what I need to say while I'm still unbiased by any knowledge of who you are.

I hope that when we meet, you appreciate all that I've gone through, in an attempt to make myself the absolute best partner, lover, and friend I can be. I have done my best to turn all the negatives into positive lessons that help me improve and grow. I hope that shows when we finally meet.

I won't be perfect, and I hope that's OK. I have not been in a relationship for a while, and I know if/when I am again, it'll take me a while to remember how all that sharing and compromise stuff works. I'm sure you'll be worth the effort, but if it's all the same, I'm hoping we can have more than one TV, DVR, bathroom, laptop/computer, car, and closet.

I'm perfectly OK if we don't always agree. In fact, I'd prefer we not - it'll be so much more fun if we can learn from each other! However, discourse needs to be respectful. Just because I don't agree with you doesn't make my opinion invalid - and vice versa.

Along those lines - it's perfectly fine if you are a Mets fan - or even a Red Sox fan. But it is not OK if you hate on my Yankees. If you absolutely must, then I suggest you stop just short of hating on Jeter. If you don't, you may find our fairy tale romance coming to an abrupt ending.

Speaking of romance and ending - I love my cat. He stays. If you're allergic, I know the name of a good doctor. This is not a debate.

I don't cook or clean for anyone other than myself. I've met a few guys who seem to think this is still a "woman's job." If you're a good match for me, then I don't imagine you feel this way, but just in case you do - stop.

I hope you can forgive my cynicism, occasional doubt, and mild insecurity. It's been a long time, and there's a part of me that wonders if you'll ever show up in my life. When you finally do, I might worry or doubt a bit, but it'll just be temporary. Once I know I can trust you, I'll happily turn over my heart.

But if you break it - I know a guy.

Hugs and kisses,
GGS

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 29

Today's blogging challenge: Who is your closest or most special friend that you've never met, and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you "met" - Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc. 

Sometimes I think it's easier to connect with someone online because we tend to be more "ourselves" when we're behind the keyboard. We feel less vulnerable, and therefore more free to share who we really are.

I think that's one reason why online dating is my go-to way for meeting new dates. I am so bad at flirting in person (more to follow on that). I am always worried about looking foolish, or saying the wrong thing, or bursting into tears when I get rejected.

When you approach someone in person, the reaction is immediate. You have to stand there and let him say (or not say) whatever he's going to say. It's like time stands sill, and you're trapped in that spot - and he has all the control.

But when I email someone online, there's none of that. I type the email, click send, and then move on with my life. Either I hear back from him, or I don't - either way, I'm on to the next thing. Rejection is much more passive, and I feel far less exposed.

Plus, if I try to approach a guy in person, there's the issue of getting tongue-tied. That's not a problem when I approach online. I can type and retype the email as many times as it takes to get it right. But in person flirting? You only get one chance - and I usually blow it.

Oh, and yes...in case you didn't notice, I am cleverly (or not-so-cleverly) avoiding the actual question in today's challenge. Most of the people I've met online have turned into in-person friends...there are a few that have not. Yet. They're all important to me in different ways, and I don't want to choose just one.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 28

Today's blogging challenge: Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. Could be in any area of life: Career, love, etc.

Big, bold moves aren't really my style. I'm more a small, calculated move kinda gal.

I'd say my divorce was a big, bold move - but to be fair, the move wasn't mine. I suppose creating this blog, or blogging elsewhere were bold-ish moves - but certainly not big.

Same is true of my recent entrance into the direct sales world - a big move, but certainly not bold.

I am selling my house next year. That will be a big move - and I can't wait.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 27

Today's blogging challenge: Talk about something that you really, really love about yourself. 

For me, this is a tough one. Like many women, I've spent years learning to focus on those things about myself that I don't like - what I need to change, improve, or hide. We're taught not to like ourselves and wave away compliments.

Which is kind of sad, if you think about it. We're all unique, and fabulous in our own way. We should celebrate our differences, and our quirks, and love ourselves - flaws and all. Instead, we convince ourselves that if we're not like everyone else, there's something wrong.

So, something I really, really love about myself?

I like that I know how to forgive. I think it often seems like I let others roll over me sometimes, and take advantage. My kindness is probably seen as weakness, but that's not how I see it.

I see the ability to forgive as a strength. I see my ability to choose my battles as a sign of maturity and wisdom.

No matter how many times people (and I mean men, as well as friends and family) treat me poorly or hurt my feelings, I keep forgiving. I believe people are good, and deserve a chance.

I also believe that the way they treat me is their karma - and how I react is my own.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 26

Today's blogging challenge: Name a song that makes you cry every time you here it, and tell why. 

I don't really have "sad" songs. Music isn't that big a deal to me. I just listen to whatever is on the radio; when it's gone, so is my interest, pretty much.

At some point while we were dating, Trooper posted a YouTube video of a nice R&B song (the name and artist have since been blocked from my memory) on my Facebook timeline. I thought that was so sweet and, you know, obviously it meant he liked me (which is clearly not always true), so I thought it might be nice if I offered a similar gesture (this is likely why I'm not nice to men anymore). 

So I posted a video on Trooper's timeline - Uncle Kracker's "You Make Me Smile." So for a while, I couldn't listen to that song when it came on.

I'm over that now.

But boys still have cooties.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 25

Today's blogging challenge: Describe a moment when you "paid it forward." What happened and how did it feel? 

Admittedly, I'm a typical only child. I am very, very spoiled; I strongly prefer to get my own way (and can be a bit of a pain when I don't), and I don't share well.

My closest friends say I'm "too good of a person" to be described as selfish. That's probably because I'm not (usually) selfish with my friendship, my honesty, or even my resources. Need money? If I have it, it's yours. Need time, or advice? I always have that to give. A shoulder to cry on? Anytime.

But try to borrow my stuff, or ask me to share my space - and we might have a problem.

But I do like to pay it forward. I have to admit, I've never done one of those things where I purchase the order for the person behind me in the drive-thru, or paid for the breakfast of the service men (or women) I see in the diner. I'm always tempted - but I get all tongue-tied in those situations and I feel like I'd mess it up, or look like a jackass.

I do volunteer a lot. I got into that after Trooper broke up with me, because I thought a positive distraction would be better than simply spending the summer eating my weight in fried dough. Between fundraising, outreach for Planned Parenthood, and Big Sister duties, I'm pretty busy.

Over the summer, I was working a table for Planned Parenthood at a county fair (a staple of summer life in Upstate New York). Tabling for Planned Parenthood can be iffy sometimes - though PP is really just a healthcare organization, their mere presence can stir controversy, because they lobby for women's reproductive rights (abortion, morning after pill, birth control) and are outwardly LBGT-friendly.

Sometimes, I think the people who schedule these events get a kick out of placing our table near the most right-wing group they can find, just to see what might happen. I know some of my counterparts have been in heated "discussions" with people at different events. I, personally, have been approached by church groups - but I can be good at ignoring people, and not adding fuel to the fire (sometimes).

But this day at the fair, the reception was actually quite positive. Most of the people who approached the table were very nice, polite, and interested. A few came to the table just to say they were happy to see us there.

One woman asked if I worked for PP. When I told her I was a volunteer, she thanked me. She said she used to work for a PP, and she knew how important volunteer help was in spreading the message. She said she had seen what some volunteers put up with, but she hoped we all remembered that if being there changed one person's mind, or put much-needed information into someone's hand, then in a way, just sitting there for a few hours could be life-changing.

I realized - she's right. You never know how your actions are impacting another. So if you take just a little time to inspire others to do good, or educate, or provide support (even if you don't realize it) - what seems like such a little thing to you could be HUGE to someone else.

That's a feeling that even this selfish, spoiled-brat wouldn't trade for all the stuff in the world.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 24

Today's blogging challenge: If you could relive one day of your life, what would it be? Would you change anything?

I don't really like this challenge. Not because I can't think of a day I'd like to relive, or changes I'd like to make.

I just prefer to think that things happen the way they're meant to. I like to think that there's some sort of grand plan, or even just a layout, in place, and everything that happens is a part of that journey.

If that's true, and a person goes back and monkeys with events that have already happened, then the entire course of events that took place after could also be altered. That sounds like it could be bad news. I mean - if I'm where I'm supposed to be, and everything that's happened up until now is part of how I got here, then going back and changing things could have catastrophic consequences, right?

Then again, if this is all part of some grand design, then I guess if I changed one thing, the designer would switch a couple other things, and I'd end up right where I'm supposed to be, anyway, right?

Either way, I prefer to leave things just as they are - the good, the bad, and the not-so-pretty.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 23

Today's blogging challenge: Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids.

This happens now and then. Most of my friends are in committed relationships (married or otherwise) and most of them have kids. I have two friends with situations similar to mine, and neither of them live near me. So my life is very, very different from those friends with whom I spend a lot of time.

I get a lot of relationship advice. Things I need to change in order to find a relationship, and things I need to change in order to keep a relationship going. The advice usually comes in the form of links to articles about dating, or relationships. Occasionally, I get links to articles about how to live happily without a relationship.

To be clear, I get this is all well-intended advice. My friends love me, they're concerned for my happiness, and just want to see me get all they think I deserve.

But it can still be frustrating to constantly be told how your lifestyle and choices are all wrong.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 22

Today's blogging challenge: What fictional character in a movie, TV show, or book do you identify with, and why?

Miranda from Sex and the City.

Aside from the law degree, the Manhattan salary, and the marathon training, Miranda and I are essentially the same person.

We're both smart (OK, one of us is really more smart-ish), independent, and fiercely protective of our friends. We both enjoy dating, but not necessarily relationships. Neither of us want to give up our free Saturdays, closet space, or chocolate.

We're both also a little insecure. We both push people (OK - men) away before they get the chance to leave. We're convinced they will, because all the others have. We also keep our feelings bottled up, and as a result, sometimes take innocent comments way too personally.

But we also both know how to love, and forgive, and ask for help. We just require someone very special before we'll make the effort.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 21

Today's blogging challenge: How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

I have been told that my dating life would make a great book - and I suppose that in turn means it might make an OK movie. The thing is, that observation is based on hearing the best stories I have to offer. Most of my stories are pretty boring. 

A book or a movie could work with a little embellishment, creative license - and maybe some special effects to spice things up. A cute actor wouldn't hurt. 

But a TV show? A reality show even? I have to believe those poor viewers would lose interest pretty quickly, watching me type on my laptop, or push paperwork, or hang out with my cat watching Netflix and On Demand. Can you imagine how the camera people would feel?! They'd die from sheer boredom.

I'm not even sure I could plug a reality show of my life with a straight face. But I mean, A&E has made hoarding a successful TV show. So maybe once a month, they'd follow me on a date? They could do 30 minutes on the online back and forth I went through to meet the poor sucker guy, and then 30 minutes of some creative editing to show the actual date.

Though, if all the dates were as boring as the one I had the other night, I still think the show would be canceled after episode one.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 20

Today's blogging challenge: Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned.

My divorce was certainly my most difficult breakup. It was the most difficult thing I've ever been through. It was more than just the end of a relationship...it was the complete breakdown of everything I ever thought to be true, or that I thought I could count on. My whole world collapsed.

Or at least, that's how it felt.

I learned that things are often not as bad as they seem. You may have to go through something awful to get to something wonderful - but the bad is just temporary.

I learned that independence is important. Even if you don't have to handle things on your own, you should be able to do so. It makes you stronger as a person, and it makes you a better partner.

I learned that friendships are the most important relationships you can have. Family loves you because they have to. Spouses aren't always as permanent as you might hope. But friends... they will get you through the darkest times, even if they have to drag you.

I learned it's OK to need help - and it's OK to ask.

I learned that a change in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship.

I learned that love comes in many forms - and is precious no matter how it's found.

I learned that what seems like the end is often the beginning to something even more wonderful. We may not always understand at the time, but things really do happen for a reason, and you really are right where you're supposed to be.

Most importantly - I learned to believe.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 19

Today's blogging challenge: What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

Since I'm pretty much an open book, there's really not a lot about me that I think surprises people. Baking Suit did once tell me that she was very surprised to learn that I was once a fan of professional wrestling (you know, WWE - Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant - all that stuff).

I guess it doesn't really go along with my girly-girl demeanor - but perhaps it would make a little more sense if I explained it all started because of a cute guy.

My uncle used to hang at my house once a week before he'd go bowling. He was there early in the afternoon, sometimes before I got home from school. Back then, wrestling was more kid-friendly, and was on cable in the afternoons. He'd put it on TV while he ate his dinner.

One day, I was watching it with him, and happened to see a wrestler named Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat.

Sigh.

The rest is history.

I may, or may not, have almost gotten my older cousin ejected from the Glens Falls Civic Center for throwing a stuffed bear with a fan letter pinned to it for Mr. Steamboat.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 18

Today's blogging challenge: If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

I've written the "Letter to my sixteen year old self" post before. I think these are the kind of posts that evolve with time, though, and sometimes it's fun to revisit, and reconsider, what you might say.

In middle school, and early high school, I was bullied a bit and made fun of a lot. My self-esteem took a major hit, and I was in a very bad place. In my junior year of high school, having taken some accelerated English classes, I was able to fit a Journalism 101 class in to my course schedule. I instantly fell in love, and writing became my new passion.

By the time I was a senior, I was pretty focused on a great future. I wasn't trying to date (It helped that my major crush had become a great friend. I knew he didn't feel anything more for me than friendship, and I didn't want to ruin what we had - but no one else could compare.). I spent most of my time either studying, working, or at my after-school passion - as the Managing Editor of my school paper.

I spent time with friends, though they were never dates. I enjoyed my fun, and my independence, and everything that went along with working hard and earning a little more freedom from my dad.

I went to college fully-focused on becoming a journalist. I was on an excellent path - until I met a guy who would change my life.

He was abusive and callous and simply horrible to me. He took what self-esteem I had fought so hard for and shredded it. It would take years - decades, really, and a failed marriage - to fully realize the impact he had and begin regaining control over my own self-esteem.

So, if I could tell my high school self anything - it would be to trust my gut and stick to the path I laid out for myself - and not to let that guy get in my way.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 17

Today's blogging challenge: What are your spiritual beliefs, and how do they impact your relationships / relationship status?

Well... Technically, I guess I'm non-denominational Christian. At least, those are the services I attend each week. Trooper actually introduced me to the church. Prior to meeting him, I never attended church, and considered myself a Recovering Catholic.

But I don't necessarily believe everything my church believes. For example, they don't perform weddings, but if they did I suspect they would not perform same-sex ceremonies. I don't believe marriage should be restricted that way. I also don't believe that sex is just for procreation, that abortion is a sin, or that women should take a lesser role.

I'd have to say those beliefs impact my relationships far more than my church.

I really don't care if a date is Christian, nor would I care if he ever attended service with me. But I won't date a man who is not in favor of same-sex marriage. Which I know puzzles a lot of people. Why should it matter to me, right? I'm not looking to marry a woman.

But I don't look at equality and freedom as something that only matters if it affects me personally. I see threats to the freedom of others as a potential threat to my own freedoms. I believe freedom only exists when we're equal.

This is particularly true because I often date outside my race. Fifty years ago, no one discussed same-sex marriage - but there were protests everywhere against interracial marriage. If I want one freedom for myself, how can I not defend a similar freedom for someone else?

It may not sound like a deal-breaker to some, but I have found this to be an issue on which I don't want to compromise. So I have trouble dating others who don't agree. I find they either they don't respect my position, spend way too much time trying to convince my I'm wrong, or I find that they have short-sighted views of equality elsewhere, as well.

It just doesn't work.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 16

Today's blogging challenge: If you planted a time capsule of your life right now, to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

For those of you born after 1980, a time capsule is what we used to keep memories before everything achieved immortality through Facebook and Instagram posts.

I guess if I were to do this now, the things I'd need to collect would be (in no particular order):

• A picture of my cat
• A picture of my house
• My cell-phone (which I would need to upgrade first, obviously)
• A piece of jewelry from my current collection
• A picture of Shemar Moore
• A picture of Derek Jeter
• A picture of me with my Little
• A picture with my with my friends
• A picture of my Dad
• A picture of my Nanny, who I think about everyday. 

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 15

Today's blogging challenge: Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life with whom you never had closure (friend, ex, family member, etc.). What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

I tried and tried this post. I really did. I thought about a conversation between me and Big. I thought about a conversation between me and Trooper. I think you always walk away from relationships with a few unanswered questions, and a few things you think you still want to say.

I even thought about narrating a conversation between me and any of the men I've met who have vanished into thin air. Obviously, there are plenty of questions, the first being - what the heck happened?!

The thing is, every time I started to narrate the conversations, I felt like I was drudging up bad feelings for no reason. After all, the relationships are where they're supposed to be at this point. Whether that means the relationship is over, or has just changed - whatever truly needed to be said, has been.

Then I started thinking about the last question in the challenge: What outcome would I hope for? Well, I suppose in any situation like this, what you want is the closure you're missing.

I have wasted too much time hoping for closure in situations where I'm just not meant to find it. Sometimes we're just not meant to have our own way, to say every little thing we're thinking, or understand what happened completely. It's taken a long time for me to realize that letting go sometimes takes a lot more strength than holding on.

I prefer to focus on what's ahead, rather than look over my shoulder.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 14

Today's blogging challenge: Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful.

I'm not sure if the challenge is supposed to be when I last felt really, truly blissful in a relationship - but my memory isn't that good, so let's hope not.

I feel like blissful is how you feel when all you feel is joy. There's no worry, no little nagging thought in the back of your mind, no wondering "what if."

About the only thing that makes me feel that way is shopping. I mean, eventually, I have to suffer the financial consequences. But in that moment, when I put on my new shoes, or try on my new jewelry, or wear my cute new outfit - I'm truly blissful.

So the last moment...was probably about two weeks ago when my newest necklace from Stella & Dot arrived in the mail.

Yes I realize this means I'll be single for a while. Which is fine - my closets are full anyway.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 13

Today's blogging challenge: Describe how you met the last person you texted, and talk about your friendship/relationship.

Well, as it happens, as I write this, my last text message was to Baking Suit.

How did we meet? Twitter. I don't remember who followed who first, but I do remember finding her comment on another blog I wrote, and thinking, "Wow, that really popular blogger reads me?!"

We started tweeting back and forth. She was asking for guest-posts for her blog, and I wanted to write something inspired by my feelings for Big (this was just after our breakup). Rather than writing as myself (I had not created Girl's Got Shine yet), I guest-posted for her. This was a pretty big deal, because it was the first time I really opened up to anyone about how I felt after the whole breakup thing. I'm not sure if it was the fact that Baking Suit was still practically a stranger, or if I somehow knew we would be friends - but I knew I could trust her.

We kept emailing and commenting on each other's blogs regularly. About a month (six weeks?) later, we met in person at a mutual friend's meetup. Baking Suit greeted me with a friendly hug and the prettiest smile I've ever seen. (Seriously - she has the most beautiful smile. Her whole face lights up.)

That was three years ago - and we've texted or emailed (or commented or tweeted or facebooked - sometimes all at once) just about every single day since.

I don't know how to describe our friendship, except to say that I'm indescribably lucky to call Baking Suit my friend. My life is so much better since she's entered, and I am thankful every day that we met.

Baking Suit has gotten me through some horrible moments. She's listened as I rambled about my latest dating fiasco, she looked on as I cried into my soup when Trooper broke up with me, and she's asked me tough (but always fair) questions that cause me to look more closely at my life.

She's my greatest cheering section when I have new projects or accomplishments or challenges. She has supported my fundraising efforts, my new business, and this blog in ways that no other friend has, or could.

Baking Suit has inspired me - her relentless enthusiasm and "sure we can" attitude is contagious and provocative in all the best ways. She has taught me what kind of friends I want in my life, and the sort of friend I hope to be.

I do not know if I deserve to have a friend as good as Baking Suit has been to me. I do not know if I have been as good a friend to her - but I know I have tried.

I simply adore her.

30 Day Blogging Challenge: Day 12

Today's blogging challenge: Your proudest accomplishment.

I'm actually proud of a lot of things in my life. I have some professional achievements of which I'm quite proud. I am proud of the fact that I own my own home. I am proud of some of the fundraising efforts I've taken on in the last couple of years.

But I think I'm most proud of my independence. It was something that I lacked when I was married. When I divorced, it would have been very easy for me to give in, sell my house, and live at home. It was scary for me, having to face all of life's challenges alone.

I decided not to give in to that fear. Rather, I chose to push through it, and even in situations that were difficult for me, I figured out how to move forward.

I kept that up through my first difficult breakup (Big) and forced myself to acknowledge that I needed to get better at making friends, and get over my shyness. Once again, I chose to put myself in difficult situations (for me) so that I could learn how to overcome those fears and improve as a person.

Most people who know me today would never guess that I'm shy. Those who knew me before and know me now would tell say I'm like a completely different person.

It's what I call my shine. I lose it now and then - but I'm pretty proud that I found it, and I know how to get it back.