Monday, February 28, 2011

Not quite

Remember that guy I was telling you about? Well, I totally chickened out on asking him out on twitter or facebook. But, as luck would have it, I stumbled upon his profile on a dating site. Since dating is the purpose of the site, and since we were both there anyway....I sent him a message.

Me: I stumbled upon your profile, and thought...don't I know him? Turns out - I do! We should get together some time, and trade horror...I mean, funny....stories.
Him: Ha! Yeah, I've run into a few people I know on here. Weird. Should we just meet at (the place we ran into each other once before)? ;)
Me: If I remember correctly, you didn't like the coffee. Must be someplace better.
Him: Nah, decent coffee. 
Me: Well, what about (a local coffee place)?

Yeah, haven't heard from him since. Not only that, I replied to one of his tweets (as a joke; not date-related at all) which also remains ignored. I'm assuming that means that he only responded to be polite, and is not interested.

There's no way to know what turned him off. It could be something in my profile on that site; or it could be something I've posted elsewhere (like twitter or a blog). It could be anything, really - for all I know, it might not even have anything to do with me.

But of course, I focus on my looks, because that's my most vulnerable point.

So, while it's fine that he's not interested, I have to admit - my ego wasn't ready for the bruise. Since that's just a reality of dating - I think it's safe to assume that I'm probably not ready for the whole "dating scene" yet. So, I'll return to my single-not-dating status.

For now.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Best of the Worst: Some1 emailed me

I (mistakenly) thought it would be a good idea to log into my plenty of fish profile to update something. Of course, when I did, I showed up as "online" and now show up as "recently online" in searches. So, I'm getting bunches of messages that don't really amount to anything.

I got one from a guy whose profile pictures were all dark. I could barely see him, which says a couple of things to me: He's clueless about technology; he doesn't care enough to try or learn; he's shady (in more ways than one).

I got one from a guy who actually has my regular email. We went to dinner last fall, when things were still casual/uncertain with Big. He was nice enough, but we didn't have a lot in common. I've put him off since then, so what is the point of sending me an email now? Yeesh.

Then I got an email from a guy who said:
My name is... I liked your profile and pics. Let me know if you'd like to chat sometime.
His profile reads (exactly):
Im a 41 yr old divorce male looking for some1 that is caring that dont mind having a child around.. ..... I get along w/ almost every1 so dont be afraid to response. 
For his first date, he'd like to:
go for a nice walk and get to know some1 first, then go to a nice restaurant and go from there.

This is just a sample of what who approaches me. Do you see what I'm dealing with here?!?

The good news, of course, is that thanks to Cute Ella, Autumn and Sassy, I now have a great new weekly feature, which we'll call "Best of the Worst."

 What the heck - these online dating profiles might as well be good for something, right?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What I've learned: Quirky

"I've been trying therapy. It's a little bit like dating...except you're not trying to hide how crazy you are." - Hot in Cleveland

I don't watch this show normally. I was hanging with some friends this weekend, and this was on. Pretty funny, actually.

That line struck me as funny in a, yeah-that's-true kind of way. When we date, we do hide our crazy. Like I've said, I hid my crazy (a little) when I was with Big, because it was so important to me that I not give him a reason an excuse to end things.

Something else I've learned from Big and Mr. 28YO? I really don't want to hide my crazy cute quirks anymore. I guess what I'm really looking for is someone who will like me for who I am.

Besides my therapist.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Why I'm not married

Have you seen this article? If you're on twitter, you probably have. But if not, take a minute. I hate to send page views her way, but as I write this, Ms. McMillan's already had tens of thousands of likes, tweets and shares. The six or seven potential hits she gets from me won't make a bit of difference.

I think she thought she was being helpful. Or satirical. Or something. Mostly - I just think she was being bitchy. Maybe she's a little annoyed that she's paid for three weddings and has yet to get it right?

First, let me tell you - the idea that all single women want to get married is a myth. Even if a woman is dating, or in a relationship, marriage is not necessarily her ultimate goal. Some of us realize that doing something just because our family expects it or our friends are doing it is a childish, silly way to lead an adult life. "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" Yeah, that.

I will admit, though, that some of what she says has merit. A woman who doesn't love herself, or who confuses sex with acceptance, or who lies to keep the wrong man is not on a good path towards a happy, healthy marriage. If that's you - you probably wanna fix that before you keep looking for the guy. Because, while you're likely to find a guy, he's not likely to be the right one.

But for the record, and just in case Ms. McMillan or any of her tens of thousands of fans are wondering, there are other reasons why a woman who wants to be married might not be.

1 - She's not bitchy enough. Maybe she was a bitch in a former relationship, and got to a place in life where she just wanted to be nice to a guy. Maybe she's even been told, "You've treated me better than anyone ever has." But the truth is, the whole "be nice to a guy" thing sometimes comes at a price. Which brings me to...

2 - She's not selfish enough. Yes, it's true. She might spend so much time looking out for the guy in her life, that she forgets to look out for herself - what she wants, and what she needs. And the truth is, when you're a single, adult woman - if you don't look out for what you want and protect your own feelings, no one will.

3 - She's too forgiving. Yes, character is important. But I have it on good authority that men do not only focus on character when they search for a partner. And the truth is - neither should a woman. Because let's face it - if you're going to successfully stay with one person forever - he'd better turn you on. Will it be looks, or a sense of humor, or a drive to succeed that attracts you? It doesn't matter - but you should know what it is, and be on the lookout. Because it won't do you any good to find a guy who's willing to commit himself to you for life if you can't stand to be with him for more than a few hours at a time. Which brings me to....

4 - She thinks having sex makes her a slut. Would you buy a car without test-driving it first? Or a house without a walk-through and inspection? No? Enough said.

5 - No one is good enough for her. There are a lot of lame men out there. A lot. Don't settle. And don't let anyone tell you that it's not settling if you marry someone who you don't really love. If he can't make you laugh, smile, cry and tingle...if you don't miss him when he's gone, feel safe when he's around and want him and only him - he's not good enough. Period.

Ms. McMillan is right about one thing: If you change your views, and look for a specific type of guy in a certain setting, you're sure to find a husband. But finding a husband and finding happiness (or love) are not the same thing. So if you really want to be happy - find that first. 

The husband thing will happen in its own time.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How about we.... a new dating website that's focused less on the person and more on their suggestion for a first date. Profiles start out with, "How about we...." and the person finishes the sentence by saying what they would want to do on a date. "....go to a movie," or, "or go to dinner," or "go kayaking."


I created a profile just to see what the site was about, and haven't yet decided what I think. To be fair, it is a new site, so there aren't many members - which makes finding matches tougher. I like the concept - but one problem is that a lot of members don't use the site properly. So, their profile starts with, "How about we.... looking for a beautiful, smart, intelligent Barbie Doll..." Kidding. Sort of.

It says a lot about someone when they can't even follow simple instructions. It's too bad, too, because what someone suggests for a first date says a lot about him. Is he traditional, conventional or just plain boring? Or is he fun, spontaneous and a little adventurous?

Personally, I like something very low key. I like to be able to talk to my date, but I don't like to feel committed to a long date. I mean, what if it isn't going well? Ever been trapped in a dinner/movie situation? Oy.

What would you suggest for a first date? If it's good I might steal it. :)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Inner twelve-year-old

I have (what I think might be) a bad habit. I tend to judge a guy, and our entire relationship potential, without even giving it a chance. Especially when I'm feeling like as I am now - unsure of myself. So I come up with excuses reasons why the relationship wouldn't work, and why I should therefore not even bother.

For instance, this guy...he has some hobbies in which I know I'm not interested, and that it wouldn't be fun for us to share. So, then I decide I'll just leave it alone, because why bother wasting his time or my time, and I'll just save us both the trouble, because really what good would it do for either of us to get our hopes up in a relationship that isn't going anywhere, anyway. *deep breath*

I'm willing to bet that if I were to read anything written by a relationship "expert," he/she would tell me this is a very bad idea. That it's a mistake to make assumptions; that if I'm interested, I should at least give it a chance, and see where it goes.

The thirty-something woman in me knows that's true. But my inner sixteen-year-old is still reeling from not being invited to the prom.

Friday, February 18, 2011

First step

One minute, I just want to stay on my dating hiatus; the next minute, I'm trolling online dating profiles, or thinking up strategies to ask that guy out.


It's tough making the first move. I think it's easier for me to do online. For one thing, if I find a guy on a dating site, it's pretty safe to assume he's there to meet people. Worst case scenario, he's not interested and doesn't reply - I'm no worse off, and there was no in-person rejection.

But to approach a stranger - or worse yet, someone I know casually? Oh, that's a whole different story. First, there's the fear of rejection. That's so much more embarrassing in person (I think, anyway). Second, if it's a friend, I put the friendship at risk. That's a scary thought - because it means I actually do have something to lose.

I was reading this article about reasons to make the first move. Makes some sense...but the whole idea still makes me nervous.

How do you get past that hurdle?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

But, there's this guy....

So, even though I'm not sure what I want to do in terms of dating right away, or staying single for a while, I do have to say....

There is this one guy....

I know him from twitter, we have mutual friends and have met in person once - though it was purely by coincidence. He seems very cool, nice,, stable, successful, smart.... All pluses.

But there is one, huge whammy of a minus - what if he doesn't like me? I mean - he knows me, so, if he was interested, he'd ask me out, right? And if he's not interested, and I ask him - I could ruin what is a perfectly nice, casual friendship. That would bum me out, maybe even more than the rejection.

Life was much easier when you could just pass a note that said, "Check yes or no...." and if they checked no, you could trip them on the playground, and then just move on.

Assuming that we rule that strategy out - what do you suggest I do?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What I've learned: Alone isn't always lonely

I've talked about learning what I may have done wrong, and why I might have needed some time on my own. There is (at least) one more thing that these thirty days have taught me: Being alone is not the same as being lonely.

I like doing things on my own. I have fun. It can be cool to take a road-trip on my own, and listen to what I want to listen to - even if it's just my own thoughts. I like eating on my own; I like turning off the internet and my phone for a little while each day. I've missed reading. I've missed writing.

I'm happy to hang out at home and cuddle with my kitties on weekend mornings. I like doing projects at the house and taking pride in the results, as well as knowing that I did that. I like making plans for myself without even having to consider what someone else might have going on, or where else I might need to be.

I'm not afraid to walk into a restaurant, or a movie theater or even a party full of strangers on my own; I used to be, but I am not anymore. I'm not afraid to make changes in my life, even if they are a little scary, because I know it's for the better.

What have I learned? I'm good on my own. I will keep making me better. I won't ever let anyone change that again.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I promised myself thirty days; as of today, I've kept that promise.

I haven't visited a dating website, or flirted with anyone online (or in person). I haven't met anyone new. I haven't stalked pursued anyone from my past. I deleted private messages, hid timelines - everything.

I learned some things about myself - that I may have been using relationships as an excuse, or making excuses in my relationships. I definitely liked the guys I was dating, and I really believe I was in love with Big - but that doesn't mean it was meant to be forever, and I've accepted that.

They were good guys. I was lucky to have met them, and I have no regrets.

Still, now I'm wondering - do I want to start dating again? Or should I keep this love cleanse thing going? Part of me is worried that if I don't get back into things, I'll forget how to date. I'll get so used to being on my own, it'll get harder and harder to let someone else in. Another part of me doesn't feel like I'm done; I started some great changes, and I've got some momentum going - but I still have a lot to do. I don't want to lose myself again.

So what do I do? Is there balance?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Is that today?

I have a date tonight - with a wonderful friend. I'm pretty sure I'll have a better V-Day than I would have if I was still with Mr. 28 YO, and I'm excited.

My V-Day gift will be from me - dinner, probably shoes and maybe an outfit for the Bachelor Auction. I know exactly what that gift says - "Boys have cooties (but some might be worth the trouble)."

But, if you're one of the few (okay, so I'm a bit jealous) who will get a gift from your sweetie today - here's a guide to help you decipher what exactly his gift is saying to you.

My kind of Valentines Miracle....

Friday, February 11, 2011

Crystal ball

Have you ever been to a psychic? I always thought it was lame. Not that I don't believe that people have those gifts - but it's not an exact science, you know? I didn't have any questions that were burning enough for me to part ways with perfectly good shoe-and-purse-money, on the off-chance someone might have an answer.

That is, until "the breakup." {side note: wouldn't it be great if our lives could be like Jennifer Aniston movies?}

So, I did some research, and found that one of the more reputable psychics in my area actually has an office right in the building where I work. (that whole small world thing again) She asked me to bring something personal, like a piece of jewelry that I always wear, and a list of questions. If I wanted to know about someone specific, I was to bring a picture of that person. So I arrived with a watch I wear just about every day, my questions - and a picture of me and Big.

She started off by saying she wanted to mention a few things that she'd "gotten" from meditating on me before our session. She mentioned the name Emily, broken glass and the Eiffel Tower (not the actual tower, but like a symbol on a key chain). She also said these could be things from my past, or my future...and it might be something that I don't recognize until one day in the car, I'm driving along and suddenly yell, "THAT's what she meant!"

As it turns out, I know two Emilys, and both are very important to me. The Eiffel Tower really meant nothing - until about a month later, I was shopping and found a luggage tag in an accessory aisle with the tower on it. As far as broken glass - I never made any connection there, until one day I was driving in my car, and I remembered a day when broken glass had a big impact on a date with Big. No, I'm not making any of that up.

It got me thinking...maybe there is something to the whole psychic thing, after all. Maybe some people really do have a gift for picking up on the energy around all of us. Maybe they can focus their thoughts and senses enough to see things that the rest of us really don't pick up on.

So what did she say about Big? She said (no I'm not kidding), "His feelings are genuine. You two are meant to be together."

Well - three out of four isn't bad.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Online dating: In real life

In this post, I was talking about how to write an online dating profile. Let's say you write this great profile, post a fabulous picture and - BAM! - you get an email. Now what?

Well, first, let me tell you - contact on a dating site does not constitute a contract, nor does it mean you're actually "dating." You've met someone. Think of it like having a guy walk up to you in the grocery store and introduce himself. Say hi, and then check him out. Look at his profile - do you like it? Are you interested? Then fine - email him back. My advice? Limit communication to the dating site email for a bit, before giving out personal contact info. At least enough time to make sure it's worth the effort.

While you're vetting him - check out the profile for red flags. Any deal-breakers in his stats (smoking, income or education level, kids)? What about clues in his profile? (For example: if his job=student, this might mean he's gone back to school to get his masters to be a teacher; or it might mean he's lazy and is living off of student loans. It also might mean he lives with his parents. Proceed with caution.)

Does he past the test? It's okay if he doesn't, though now you have to decide - do you respond with a polite, "Thanks but no thanks," or just ignore the email? There are several schools of thought on this; most will say to at least acknowledge the note. The problem I've found is that some people don't take the hint well. No matter how clear you are in the "no thanks" portion of your message - they take a reply of any kind to mean, "keep emailing me."

If someone seems nice and genuine, and writes me an email he clearly took time to put together - I reply. If I get an email that consists entirely of, "Hey," or "How u doin," (yes, it's happened) - I don't even bother. Sorry, but if it's obvious you put in no effort, and have probably sent the same email to ten women in the last hour, why should I care?

If someone does make it past the starting gate, and the emails seem to be working, go ahead and share some personal contact info. I'll be honest - I limited this to an email address and maybe my cell-phone number. Maybe. Never my address, not until I actually meet the person.

I know what you're thinking. Does this mean you're dating yet? Well, let me ask you - if you gave your phone number to that guy in the grocery store, are you dating him when you get back out to your car? No? Then you're not dating this guy, either. And he's not dating you. Remember - you're just talking.

So when does the dating start? The same time it starts with anyone else - when you've actually gone on a date. Remember - it's just online meeting. The dating still happens in real life.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

What I've learned: Speak up

Last week, I wrote this post about learning that I've been using relationships as an excuse to avoid other things in my life. That's not the only thing I've learned.

I avoid confrontation. This isn't totally new - but it is new as far as romance. I'm usually a peace-keeper with friends, family, at work, etc. I don't like to argue, and I don't like making people angry. It's not that I'm shy, or afraid to speak my mind. I just pick my battles takes a lot to make me angry - or to make me care enough to say anything.

When I was married, there was a running joke that I was "in charge." I wasn't; but I was definitely not afraid to speak my mind. If I was unhappy, or didn't like something, or wanted something specific - he knew.

When I was with Big, I tried to change. I genuinely don't want to be "that woman." I have no desire to be in charge of anyone's life (other than my own, natch). I don't want to be perceived as someone with a lot of requirements - go there, do this, say that, etc. (plus, to be honest, I'm more laid-back now than I was when I was married)

But - it became something more. I was afraid of a confrontation; I was afraid he'd use it as an excuse to end things. So, when he did or said something I didn't like - I held my tongue. If I was unsure of something, I'd try to figure it out myself, rather than just ask. It left me in tears more than once; and it left my closest friends asking me, "Why?"

I have no doubt that Big sent me some confusing signals. But for my part, I had no business relying on them. If I wanted a "grown-up" relationship, well then I needed to deal with things like a grown-up. If I had a question, I should have asked. If I didn't like something, I should have said so - yes, in a nice, polite way...but still.

I didn't fully realize what I'd been doing until I had a conversation with a good friend (my ex). I told him that I tried to curtail my "mouthiness." His observation? My habit of being straight-forward and...well...blunt about my feelings is part of my personality. If I wanted to be nicer about it, fine - but keeping my mouth shut altogether isn't me. According to someone who knows me pretty well - if I didn't feel like I could say what I was thinking to Big, something was definitely wrong.

I think I'm learning that I can't hold my tongue. I can tame it a bit; but the right person for me is someone with whom I'm never afraid to be myself. Mouthiness and all.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Don't get discouraged

I'm sitting at home, minding my business, watching "Friends" reruns on DVD. My phone buzzes with a text from my friend, who has just re-entered the dating scene, via online dating:

So it would be really stupid to meet this guy for the first time, alone, at his house, right?

I wasn't sure how to respond. "Boys have cooties," didn't seem right (though it is very appropriate for this situation). I settled on:

Yes, that would be stupid. {Hey, it was honest.}

A couple of exchanges and this is what she tells me:

He can't meet me tonight. He can't drive this late; he has a restricted license due to a DWI earlier this year.

To which I replied:

It takes all kinds. Don't let it discourage you.

Why that response? Because I assumed we were done with this conversation. Was I right? Of course not:

(Another Friend) thinks I should give him a chance. He gets his regular license back this week.

Now, let me be clear; I realize life is hard, and no one is perfect. I'm all for giving people a second chance. If I were in love with someone who had a problem, I would probably forgive him, and I would be there to help him through his issues. However - that's someone with whom I'm already in love. I'm not one to sign up for that kind of drama.

Plus - DWI is a sorta-big deal. Knowing my friend has a thing for bad-boys, but also knowing she is trying to change things in her life, this was my response:

He got behind the wheel of a car with no regard for his own personal safety - or the safety of others. That's not a quality person. You're better than that. You don't need the drama.

What do you think? Was I right?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Ms. Write

I have mixed feelings about giving friends dating advice. Part of me is flattered that they ask; part of me thinks I give good advice because I've been in a ton of different situations; and part of me thinks, "Seriously, what part of my current situation makes you think I should be advising anyone?"

The truth is, it's like anything else. Some things I can give advice on - other things, not so much. Something I am reasonably good at, and therefore comfortable giving advice about, is how to write an online dating profile.

Google "how to write an online profile" and you'll get more results than you can handle. I sat down with a friend not too long ago to write a profile for Plenty of Fish - here are my real-world guidelines. (remember, I don't do the whole "formula" thing)

Give some some insight - but don't over-share. I say you want to tell them what you're like, but don't give away so much information that there's nothing left to talk about over coffee. Say you like photography and you work in a restaurant - but save specifics for your dates.

Be honest. Using an older picture because you liked your hair better or you looked thinner is not a good idea. Use recent photos, and show off who you really are. Don't love your current job? Okay - but don't make up a job title, or use one from your past. If you're not crazy about what you do, laugh it off. My profile says something like, "I work to live; but I don't live to work," or "I'm a true 9-5er," to let people know that my job is something different from my hobbies.

Speaking of hobbies...

Have some. If you don't - get some. When the profile asks for your interests, you should have something to say other than, "Hanging out with friends and family." Remember when you were in high school and everyone told you to get extra-curricular activities for your college applications? Yeah, that.

Are you funny and sarcastic in real life? Then show that off in your profile Write like you would speak. If you're more serious or straight-forward, don't try to insert humor into your profile. You're setting expectations you can't meet - and attracting people who won't be a good match.

Remember, you can always update your profile. But it should be written about who you are; not who you think others will want you to be.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Politically incorrect

I've been at this online dating thing for a while now, and I've met some good guys. I've also met some jerks. There are a couple that stand out - here's one of my favorites.
He seemed nice enough - he approached by email on a dating site, and eventually asked if we could IM, so I shared my Yahoo ID.

As a full-time dad, going out was tough for him, but we chatted every night for a week. Our conversations were pleasant - but very superficial. Movies, music, my work and his work were the major topics. Eventually, he got bored with this - and asked me about politics.

Now, let me just say - I am happy to discuss politics with anyone, as long as we can keep it civil. I am not sure how I feel about it coming up in groups - I think there's too much room to offend or hurt feelings. But in a one-on-one conversation, it's fine - as long as everyone is playing nice.

That said, I guessed from this guy's profile that he was a staunch republican. (FYI - hunters are usually NRA members, which means they lean heavily to the right. Often to the point of tipping the boat.) Which probably meant we would not agree. But he asked me a direct question, "What is your political party?" So I answered honestly, "I'm a registered democrat."

Which I am. That doesn't define me, or even begin to sum up my political or social views. But it was the simple, honest answer to his question.

Also, apparently, the wrong answer. At least as far as he was concerned. He went on to explain how the liberal agenda was hacking away at all the things this country stands for. That he was surprised that someone my age, who seemed intelligent, would fall for the socialist beliefs our country was buying into. And that it was upsetting to him that a country that was founded on "Adam and Eve" was turning into "Adam and Steve."

I beg your pardon? This was where I stopped being nice. I can't tell you all that I said - but I can tell you it wasn't pleasant. He'd crossed a line with that comment, and I felt he needed to understand that, while I'm pretty tolerant of anyone's beliefs, certain things are just not okay with me. A complete disregard for civil rights for all people is at the top of that list.

He tried talking to me a couple of times after that (no, I'm not kidding). Eventually, he asked me why I was so distant (??) and I explained that I was really offended by some of the things he'd said. Not just his words - but his tone. He went on to start screaming (all caps; remember, this was IM) that I was proof that all liberals were awful people, that I'd shown him what liberals are really like, and he was glad he'd found out before he wasted any more of his time on me.

Finally, something we agreed on.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Thursday Three

I'm stealing this from Derwad Manor. Why? Two reasons. One - it's a really cool blog. Two - my dating hiatus leaves me looking for cool ideas.

1 - Who is the most famous person you have ever met? I met Leapin' Lanny Poffo once. Don't know him? Okay...I met Danger Danger (now I fear I'm dating myself). I ran into Irene from The Real World - Seattle at an amusement park once. Oh, never question!

2 - Describe your mother in three words? Your father? 
Mother: Friend, Smart, Supportive
Father: Strength, Steadfast, Hero

3 - What is the best birthday you ever had? Oddly enough, my thirtieth. Odd because I was dreading it - but a trip to (old) Yankee Stadium for a tour (complete with a step on the field and a seat in the dugout) made it all worthwhile.

How about you?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A match?

Did you know that Yahoo used to have a dating site called Yahoo Personals? I actually met the first guy I seriously dated (post divorce) on that site. I ended up having to pay for a membership just to reply to him - and a month later, he said he just wanted to be friends. {Tangent}

Sometime last year, I was notified that Yahoo Personals was merging with - and my Yahoo profile would be merged into a Match profile. Which, incidentally, was a real conundrum, since I already had a Match profile that I never used.

Where is all of this leading, you ask? To this article, on the new on Yahoo site - which seems to be an excellent source for dating tips and advice. Sorry, guess I took the scenic route.

The article talks about getting dating advice from guy friends (or for guys, from your girl friends). Basically, if you're in need of dating advice about the opposite sex - advice from a purely-platonic friend of that sex is where it's at.

Personally - I go to my ex husband. He's my friend, he knows me well, and he is honest with me. Plus, as luck would have it, he's a guy and all. No guy friends? What about your girl-friends' husbands or boyfriends? When I was dating G (Hey - he's the guy from Yahoo! See, it's all comin' full circle now...) my friends would ask his advice all the time.

Where do you go for dating advice?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What I've learned: Excuses

I'm smack in the middle of this whole love cleanse project, and I think I'm starting to learn a few things about myself.

Lesson One: I think I was using "finding a relationship" as an excuse to avoid things that I really need to change.

When I got divorced, there were so many things I should have dealt with - but I preferred to avoid (finances, home improvement, etc.). At the same time, my job situation became very unstable. I should have done something about it at that point - but I didn't want to face more change during the divorce.

I also don't think I really wanted to face being alone. I thought I did - but it turns out, doing things alone and being alone are different things (or so it seems). For these couple of weeks, I've done things with other people, for sure - all kinds of stuff, actually. But I've also spent time with just myself - no internet (gasp!), no phone, no TV. Just me and my thoughts. Very, very different.

It turns out - I'm not half bad to hang out with. *pats self on back* Not only that - but getting to know myself a little better is helping me. I'm more comfortable going places on my own, talking to people I would have avoided previously - and I think it's helping my writing (maybe...hopefully).

Not to mention - I'm forced to face that stuff I didn't want to before. I'm working on the job thing, I'm tackling some home improvements - and I'm finally coming to terms with my financial situation.

The real truth? All this stuff has to be fixed before I could ever have a good relationship. I couldn't even hope to hold up my end of the deal, and make things happy and healthy for two until I've managed to do it for one.