Shop for dates

I spent the better part of a week explaining how I felt about this situation to various friends. For the most part, everyone came back with similar responses: I was asking too much, being too picky, and trying to push things too far, too fast.

I began racking my brain to come up with a way to explain how I feel. I wanted to compare my feelings to something else that people might understand. Comparisons are tough for me, but just flat-out stating my feelings wasn't working. Finally, I came up with a way to (hopefully) describe how I feel, using an activity at which I'm much more successful than dating:

Shopping!

Which, if you think about it, makes sense. Dating and shopping are very similar. Both involve searching for the perfect [insert desired result here]. Both can be done spontaneously, or with a fair amount of planning. Both can yield a tremendous amount of happiness and pleasure, or stress and frustration - and usually to extremes either way. Both require a fair amount of psyching up, but are ultimately necessary.

All of that, plus shopping and dating are my two main hobbies.

First of all - when I shop, it's either because I have to (think groceries) or because I want to (think shoes).

When I have to go shopping, I try to get in and get out as quickly as possible. I don't really put in a lot of effort, and either end up buying the same things over and over because I don't want to take the time to think of something new, or I try something new without thinking it through, and end up dissatisfied.

When I want to go shopping, I'm usually enthusiastic and full of energy. I almost always have fun. Even if I don't find exactly what I'm searching for, I enjoy the process. I try not to get too specific an idea in my head about what I want, so as not to steer myself away from something good. I go with a general idea about what would work best, what it is I really need, and what is going to make me happy.

Sometimes, I see something on the shelf or the rack and know, immediately, that I need to take the item home. It is exactly what I want, and there is no doubt in my mind. Other times, I find something I might like - and I'll pick it up and walk around the store, mulling over the purchase while I look for something I might like better.

I've found things I love both ways. I've also ended up with items in my closet that go unworn for months (even a year) because I bought without careful consideration. I don't necessarily regret the purchase - but I tell myself I will be more careful next time.

For years, I approached dating with the idea that it was something I had to do. Finding a boyfriend was like shopping for groceries: Something I needed, that wouldn't just show up on my doorstep, so I had to go out and look. But I wasn't enjoying the process, so I wanted to go in and get out as quickly as possible. This resulted in repeating the same behaviors, and eventually, the same mistakes.

I finally learned that the have-to attitude doesn't work when dating. It's kind of like grocery shopping when you're hungry - you buy a whole bunch of stuff you don't really need, that you'll only regret later. It was time for a break.

When I came back, I had a much more positive, want-to attitude toward dating. I was a little more choosy - but not to the point of overlooking anyone who seemed to have potential. This meant that I ended up picking up a bunch of options that weren't really right for me, while I wandered around, looking for something better.

This was an improvement, but still not exactly what I wanted.

The last few months, and guys, have been a struggle for me. I have cried more than I should, doubted myself way too much, and driven myself into a depression that I am now fighting to escape. However, it has been worth the trouble, because I've learned something.

I'm tired of having to shop. I'm also tired of picking up a bunch of maybes while I search for the right choice. I want to find the one about which I have no doubt. I want the one that, from the moment I lay eyes on him, I know he's the one.

Not only that...I want to find someone who feels the same about me. No doubts. No worries. No what ifs. Just - she's the one.

I know I'll occasionally slip back into wandering mode. Let's face it - dating is also like shopping in that I sometimes do it just because I'm bored. But I plan to stop holding on to options. I am switching to window shopping mode - I'm not even going to pick up anything I don't absolutely love at first-sight.

I realize that means I might put back something that would do just fine - but that's OK with me. I'm not looking for just fine - I'm looking for the one.

I know what you're thinking. "Doesn't she realize she's asking too much? Or being too picky? Setting expectations too high?" No one can plan that moment when you find exactly what you want. It just happens. If you're not open to anything, you might miss out.

The answer is - yes, I know. I know I'm being picky, and probably a little unfair and unreasonable. I know that setting this high an expectation means I may never find anyone who meets it.

I understand it all.

For the first time - ever - it's OK with me.

Preemptive blow off game

So I met this guy. We started talking on Friday. He met on Saturday...and before that date was even over, he invited me out for Sunday. We had dinner that Tuesday, followed by two more dates later in the week.

I heard from him every single day up until the following Monday. Nothing - until 9:30 pm, when I got a text that said,

"Just saying hi. Going to bed early. How was your day?"

Between you and me (and the internet) I know he was online (match.com) earlier that evening. It wouldn't have bothered me except for this...

He has very limited time, which I tried to be respectful of and not bother him during the week. I wasn't looking for us to be exclusive or anything. I guess I just hoped that after five dates, he would put me a little higher on the priority list when he did have free time.

I replied to his text, and got no response from him. I'll be honest - my warning signals were sounding off. It felt like a preemptive blow off - like he was about to be busy for a while, didn't want to ignore texts from me, but also didn't want to have to check his phone.

Like he was about to go on a date (which he normally does later at night due to his schedule).

I didn't hear from him that Tuesday. I assumed his date had gone well, and that I would not hear from him again. I did not contact him because there really seemed to be no point.

On Wednesday, he sent a text asking how I was doing. "Fine, thanks," I told him. He asked if I was mad.

I responded honestly, telling him I felt as though he was blowing me off earlier in the week, and that since I hadn't really talked to him, I thought he'd probably lost interest or met someone else. I told him I was not mad (which was true). I never mentioned seeing him online because I knew there was no point.

He told me he was not blowing me off, and had not met anyone else. I have not heard from him since.

It's honestly cool, and I won't bother him, or even try to figure it out. I had doubts of my own, and I suspect he did, too.

Several friends asked how I could be so sure that he was blowing me off or going on other dates. One reason:

Because I've played that game.

I've been on many dates where, before settling down for some one-on-one time, I had to send one (or more) text messages to other guys, "excusing" myself for the rest of the evening. "Dinner with the girls, no-phones rule in effect" is my go-to reason. "Have a good night!" Depending on the relationship, maybe I tack on a smilely face or a couple of xes and os.

Listen - I know dating is a big game. I don't like it - but I know. No matter how much we say we're tired of the games, call ourselves straight-shooters, profess to be done playing, etc. - at one time or another, we're all guilty of something.

The trick is to never play games with someone who plays better.

Games we play

"Your best bet is to move on. Who wants a guy who plays games?"

A friend said that to me about Mr. Ding-a-Ling. He was away immediately following our first date. That plus a, you know, small natural disaster, has left our second date in the to be determined category. I truly didn't want to bother him while he was on vacation, figuring I wouldn't want to be bothered, so why would I do that to him? Not only that, but if I didn't hear back from him, I'd be left wondering if he was ignoring me, or just too involved in his trip to respond.

Best to wait - and we all know how I'm so good at waiting...

The conversation got me thinking about the phrase "playing games." We throw it around a lot when it comes to dating and relationships - usually to describe actions we don't like. He didn't text her back? He's playing games. She let his call go to voice mail? That's her game. He waited three days before calling? Classic dating game.

But when we do something....somehow it's not a game. Case in point...I wasn't texting him while he was on vacation, even though I was hoping to hear from him. Some might call that a game. But I had a reason, which I just explained. The truth is, I didn't want to be left hanging, and I knew there was a pretty good chance I would be. But, I also sincerely didn't want to bother the guy while he was away. That's not a game - it's courtesy.

A perfect example of having a legitimate reason for doing something that could be considered a game.

I know someone who has dated a guy who says he truly, honestly loves her...and then disappears for several days. When he reappears, there's always a "reason" for his absence. Does she like what he's doing? I don't think so. Does it mean he's playing games? I don't think that's the case, either. I think the guy truly has too much stuff going on, and he's the type who can only manage what's right in front of him. His priorities are different than hers, and he doesn't handle communication the same way.

That doesn't mean he's not sincere, or a player. It means they don't agree. That might make them incompatible as a couple...but it doesn't make him a jerk, and it doesn't mean he's playing games.

I'm not saying my friend is wrong about Mr. Ding-a-Ling. In fact, I even said to her, "You're probably right."

I'm also not suggesting he isn't playing games. Truthfully, I don't know the guy well enough to be sure.

What I am saying is that if I want to be successful at this whole communication, better, stronger, healthier relationships thing - I should probably not label every action I don't like as a "game." I should stop leaping to conclusions and assuming the worst. If I want to know something - I should probably just ask. I should continue treating people the way I think they want to be treated, and letting them know (within reason) what I am thinking.

Behaving any other way is just a game.