Give a little, get a lot

In addition to the red flag alert, I also find myself having some trouble adjusting to the fact that Sparrow actually seems to want me around. Go figure. Turns out, this is something quite new for me.

See, Big was happy to let me be around. He invited me out and over to his place all the time. But he was introverted, and so was I, so even though we were together, there wasn't a lot of interaction. Also, I was usually at his place - which meant I could leave whenever.

Truth is, I wasn't as independent back then as I am now, so I didn't crave alone time as much. Fast forward to Trooper, and we also spent most of our time together at his place, and not mine. So again - I had a lot more control over when I came and went. Plus, Trooper's also a guy who likes his space, so he never really crowded me.

Sparrow is different. First of all, there's the distance to consider. It's not like we can just get together on a whim, and then part ways to run errands, and meet up again later. One of us is always 2 hours away from home.

The last few weeks - we've been spending time at my house because of stuff going on for me. Which means if I want to snag some alone-time, I basically have to (nicely) kick Sparrow out.

(There really is no nice way to do that, by the way.)

I find myself having a difficult time balancing my need for alone time with my desire to spend time with Sparrow, and recognize that our relationship is important. I'm not so self-centered that I don't realize the relationship can't be all about me - but I also can't exactly schedule when I'll want (read: need) time to myself.

I expected to find challenges with this new relationship. I thought the distance would be an issue. I was prepared to find it a little difficult to trust, having just come through a tough breakup. I never thought about how, each time I become single again, I get more and more accustomed to being on my own. I was not prepared for so much difficulty in giving up that single space.

Don't even get me started on the possibility of eventually having to give up closet space.

Fallen down the rabbit hole

I'm writing this from a hotel room in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. About four hours north of where I live, Montreal is a whole other world. Literally; a whole other country, where they speak a whole other language.

Earlier this year, I invested in my first passport, because Trooper and I had planned a vacation outside the US. Instead, we broke up, and I put my passport in a drawer, not sure when I'd put the money to use.

Until a few weeks ago, when Sparrow suggested we take a long weekend, and he felt we should break in my passport, which was, "still a virgin."

So I'm here, outside the US, in the only Canadian Province that speaks French instead of English. The street signs and menus and maps are all in French, the currency is different, and there is so much to do, I'm overwhelmed. Which, as you may have guessed, makes me cranky.

Yet, I'm here with a man who is totally putting up with me - even told me I was still fun! - and yet, my alerts are all still set to red, waiting for his bag of hair to show up. I'm resisting this feeling, which I probably should not be doing.

Why? I'm not sure. Part of me wonders if it means he's not the right guy. Then another part of me thinks it has more to do with me, not being able to trust. Not really him....I think he's as trustworthy as any guy can be. But I sometimes wonder if any guy can really be trusted. Or, more to the point, any guy who says he has feelings for me.

"Be patient. You'll get where he is, or you'll find his bag of hair." Baking Suit is probably right. The guy who can deal with me being hungry, tired, while getting lost, and he doesn't get angry? That guy is as rare as a Cheshire Cat. So rare, in fact, that I'd become convinced he couldn't exist. 

Finding him really does feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole.

Miss independent

When I was with X, I was very - very - dependent on him. There wasn't much I would do without him. Initially, when we separated, I felt like my life was over - I honestly couldn't see how I could survive without him to support me, and help me with all the things I felt I "couldn't" do.

I had two choices - I could give up and stop living, or I could face my fears and learn to rely on myself, instead of others.

I chose the latter. 

Today, people who I've met in the last few years find it hard to believe that other Girl ever existed; those who knew me back then say I'm a totally different person. That makes me proud; not only did I survive a tough breakup - I flourished, where many might have just given up. It wasn't easy, and at times it wasn't fun - but it was worth every step.

I was afraid, though, that I might have become too independent. After the relationships I've had since X, and how badly I've been hurt, I was even more afraid that I'd forgotten how to trust. It's easy to figure that people will, eventually, leave, and to only trust myself.  

....not needed.

Thing is - that's not fair to me, or to others. How can anyone ever prove himself trustworthy if I don't give him any trust? 

Lately, I've been accepting a little more help from Trooper. I even asked for a little help, to get something done that I'm just physically not able to do. You know what? I like it. It's nice to let someone in, and rely on them to help, especially when you know he truly wants to help, and his offers are sincere and without strings. 

I think the trick is to accept that you've done the best you can do for yourself. You need to give yourself credit for having learned and grown and improved who you are, based on past experiences. Then you need to accept that not everyone is going to let you down and sometimes, it's okay to let others in. 

I think it also helps to get to a place where you know that you're accepting someone's help because he wants to help you, and you want to let him. That's very different than looking for help because you need it.

Learn to do for yourself; how to fix that light or take care of that garden or where to take your car for repair. Once you know you can take care of yourself, it won't be so scary to let someone else help - because now you know that if things ever change, and you have to go back to doing for yourself, you can.

It seems strange, but I think the only way you can ever let someone help is to get to a point where you don't need the help. Until then, you'll be too afraid to ask.