(Un)Setting expectations

To say Turtle has waivered in what he wants would be an understatement of epic proportions. We've gone from hanging out as friends to casual dating to ernest discussions about what we want back to casually dating to....whatever the hell it is we're doing at the moment.

We are still talking, but we haven't spent any time together in a while. My understanding is that he's not up for time with anyone, other than casual friends. We both agree there is something more than friendship between us - which is not something he can deal with right now. I already knew that, and told him it was fine, that we could put a pin in that discussion until he was ready.

I've been completely honest and upfront with Turtle. I was totally sincere when I said I'd like to go back to just hanging out and seeing where things went. I enjoy spending time with him, and while I would like a relationship someday with someone, and he has potential, I do not see us in a relationship now. I am kind of over the serious relationship discussions, and ready to get back to having fun, getting to know each other, and seeing where things end up.

Turtle does not seem convinced that I really feel that way, or that we can really make that transition. He seems worried that I say it's fine, and then when we're together, he'll feel pressure to say or do certain things. (Personally, I think a lot of that pressure is in his own head; he admitted that's probably at least partly true.)

That said - I have been thinking a lot about how I've behaved since we first discussed "where we were going."

When things first started getting a little weird with Turtle, I was talking to Engineer about what I could, and could not, handle in terms of a relationship. Engineer suggested that Turtle seemed like he needed a lot of time and space, and that if I was willing to give that to him, it might make sense to do so. "I'm talking about spending time together, as friends, without expectations," he said.

I wanted to let go of any expectations. But I also wanted to understand where I stood. I wanted to know - is he saying he just sees me as a friend? Or is he saying he has other feelings and just can't do anything about them right now? To me, those are different. That difference would affect how, or even if, I stayed in Turtle's life.

In my effort to understand, I think I may have unintentionally put some pressure on the situation. I intended to let go of my expectations, but to be honest and fair - I'm not entirely sure I ever did.

Somewhere in all of this, I have learned that I am not very good at letting go of expectations. I may not be in a hurry to get anywhere, but I do want to know where I am headed. That alone is an expectation - and probably one that he wasn't ready to manage.

So where does that leave me? Well, since Turtle and I haven't spent any time together, one could hardly say we're "dating." I suppose we're friends - but just barely. I am not sure if we'll ever get past this point, or what could happen if we did.

But I suppose that's the point, right? I need to learn how to let go of expectations, keep moving forward, and just see what happens.

I may be incapable of just doing things the easy way.

Wish I knew

My 2014 dating resolution is to learn from the lessons of 2013.

The biggest lesson I struggle with is not setting expectations. Plans. Agendas.

I blame an active imagination. I spent too much time writing stories as a kid. It's too easy for me to come up with ideas.

I can easily invent a vision of what the date will be like; how he'll treat me, the laughs we'll share, the connection we'll feel. If we keep seeing each other, it's easy to come up with ideas on how it will play out - future dates, meeting friends, etc.

Good grief.

By the way - this works both ways. The minute things don't look like my storyline,  I can easily invent reasons why. I find lies that probably aren't there, hear tones that don't exist, and see behavior changes that aren't real.

It's like a super power, really.

Well-meaning friends don't help. "How are things going?" after only a few days implies something should have changed. Then I wonder, if it hasn't changed, is something wrong? Am I wasting my time? Just spinning my wheels, hoping for something that isn't going to happen?

I tell myself that I need to be patient. These things take time.

"How much time?" seems like a valid question.

Sure wish I knew.

Stream of thought

Like I mentioned, I had a really nice conversation with this guy the other night. As I wrote in that post, he apologized and we'd kept talking. He texted me last week and asked when I was free again. He said no matter what is going on, he would be there.

So we met for coffee (at the same place where we were originally supposed to meet). Two hours of talking, laughing, and just a generally great time. He wanted to get together Saturday, but the area was pummeled with snow, so we settled for a phone conversation. A three-hour phone conversation that I actually enjoyed.

We made plans to get together Tuesday, to just hang out at my house and watch a movie. Monday night he was asking what kind of movies I like, making suggestions, etc. He said, "It's a date."

I never heard from him. I didn't think anything of it at first.  I knew he worked overnight, so I figured maybe he was tired or busy or whatever. Our plans weren't until later in the day, so it was no big deal.

But since I'd sent the nice "good morning" text around 10 am, naturally around 1 pm, the wheels in my head started turning. What follows is really just a stream of the thoughts that ran through my head as I trudged home through the snow...

• It's really no big deal...the guy doesn't owe me anything. If he just disappeared at this point, I couldn't even really be angry.
• He just seemed so different....I am just irritated that I let my guard down and trusted that he

  

  Just like that - he was gone.

    wouldn't be like the others. 
• It's not like I really lost anything...I hardly know the guy. Just because it seemed like we had a good connection doesn't mean he wasn't a jerk. Maybe I dodged a bullet.
• But would it really be such a big deal to just text me back and tell me something came up for tonight...or that he'd changed his mind altogether? Why is simple courtesy and respect such a challenge for some people? 
• Am I just expecting too much, for people to show me the same courtesy I always show?
• If he planned to just disappear, why make such a show of asking me about my taste in movies, or even asking me about a particular one? If he already knew he planned to no-show, what was the point? 
• I'm so tired of having my feelings hurt. What is it that I did that warrants this sort of heartache? 
• What could have possibly happened overnight, when we didn't even talk, to make him change his mind? Whatever it was, I probably shouldn't take it personally. After all, I wasn't even around, so how could it have anything to do with me?
• Still, it's sort of tough not to take things personally, when the feelings being hurt belong to me.
• At the end of the day, the guy showed his true colors the first time we were supposed to meet, when he just blew me off. No matter how good his reason was, it still demonstrates a total lack of communication. 
• This is why I don't like having expectations...because what really happens always falls short of what you think will happen.

Then I got home and turned on NCIS. /rant

Agendas

I had a very good conversation with a guy the other night (it was actually this guy... more to follow).

We got to talking about how people date with agendas. They date with a very specific goal and timeline in mind. The minute the relationship doesn't live up to those expectations, they assume it has failed.

I wonder if this is really a healthy way to date? Dating is tough - and I think expectations are half the problem. How can you possibly know the kind of relationship you want with a particular person until you've gotten to know that particular person?

I mean, sure you may know the type of relationship you ultimately want. You know you do (or don't) want to get married, start a family, etc. But even after a great first date, all you can really know for sure is that you would (or would not) like to try for a great second date.

Isn't that enough? If there's no attraction, or you both want different things, then fine - don't see him again. But what if you are attracted, and you have a great time, and it seems like your ultimate goals are similar? Does that have to mean you're meant to be? Or can it simply mean another date is a good idea?

I know couples who are absolutely meant to be together. I'm sure any of them would say now that they knew that from day one. But did they really? Or are they just so sure now that they can't remember not being sure?

Those "perfect" relationships put a lot of pressure on us imperfect daters. They ask questions like, "What is he looking for?" Or, "Where do you think it's going?" and, "When will you see him again?"

Those questions all make me feel like I'm wrong if I don't have an agenda all laid out before we end the first date.

Can't it just be enough that I know the date didn't suck, and I like him enough not to run through the parking lot?

Let's see what happens

Do you remember Bachelor #1 from this post? He's still around - sort of.

By sort of, I mean he's around as much as he ever was - which wasn't much. He doesn't text frequently or consistently. He calls even less. We don't see each other any more than once a week, and usually he's too "busy" to spend much time together when we do hang out.

I thought I'd be annoyed by this style of dating, the "let's just see what happens" approach. Truth is - it's somewhat convenient, and helps keep me from setting expectations.

He doesn't set standards for our relationship that he can't meet, or make promises he can't keep. He doesn't pretend we're something we're not, and he doesn't come on strong, then forget to back it up.

He's consistently inconsistent. Which is more honesty than I get from most men. 

I will admit...I wonder if we're well-suited for something long-term. For all the reasons I mentioned in the post, I wonder how compatible we'd be for anything more than an occasional date. 

Not to mention, the whole "let's see what happens" approach feels like how you treat a relationship when you're either not sure what you want, or you're not sure you want it with this person. Like I've said before, I'm looking for someone who is sure.

I understand this is how a relationship would develop if you start out as friends - but we met on a dating site. Seems to me if we were sure of each other, we'd skip some of this nonsense. 

The nice thing is, keeping him around staying in touch means I can have the occasional date with someone I know is fun, and with whom I know there is no expectation of anything more. 

I guess we'll just see what happens.

Great expectations

Something else I learned while I gave up dating for Lent... I have too many expectations.

Expectations should not be confused with standards. I refuse to lower my standards.

By expectations, I mean I have a tendency to meet people hoping it will turn into something. If we have a lot in common, seem attracted to each other, good conversation, etc., I tend to start thinking, "Hey, this could go somewhere."

I set expectations when I shouldn't.

So I need to get better at meeting people with absolutely no ideas about what might happen, or what could happen. No, "Wouldn't it be cool if...?" or "I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but..."

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Just say hi and talk, like I just met someone on the street and have no idea if I'll ever see him again.

Can I do that with a really handsome, smart, funny guy who I just found on a dating site, after coming back to his profile eight times before finally deciding to send him a perfectly crafted email?

Sure, why not?

The real trick will be holding off on the expectations even after we've started talking...then dating...then...

OK, I'll work on it.