A little sting

In another attempt to change things, I have come face to face with a tough truth:

None of the guys in my area seem to be a good match for me.

Plenty of Fish seems to agree, and routinely suggests matches that 100+ miles away. Which is how I met a very nice man (I think we'll call him Jamaica).

Jamaica and I actually have a lot in common. From our career path (we at one time even worked for the same company), to hobbies, to lifestyle and political opinions, we are very in-sync. I have no doubt that if we could have just gone on a date, it would have been lovely. But, 150ish miles is a lot to ask, so we settled on several phone dates, all of which went very well and lasted several hours.

Still, when I suggested we meet, he blew me off. I mean - vanished. Thin air. Poof!

Which I suppose, given my recent history, should not surprise me. But it did. This was one guy who I thought might be different. At the very least, I thought if he wasn't interested, he'd be honest. Getting blown off when I've come to expect it is tough enough. But by the one guy I never thought would do it?

That one stung.

Something better

It might surprise to learn that I have been dating a few different men all at once for the last few weeks. (Unless you're my cousin or Baking Suit, in which case, you're not surprised at all.) Less surprising is the fact that this has yielded some much-needed blog inspiration. Yay, horrible dates!

I met one of the guys weeks ago on Plenty of Fish. He's a nice enough guy, but seemed a little off. I wasn't able to read him, and he came across as a little arrogant. He was persistent, though, so we kept talking.

We made plans to see each other on a Friday night...but he wouldn't commit to a time or place because he had "tentative plans" with friends. I finally just said let's do it another time, not wanting to interfere with his time with friends - or be kept waiting.

A couple weeks later, he asked me to go out (again, on a Friday). I asked him to let me know what he had in mind, and I never heard from him. When I called him on that, he said he'd tried to get in touch with me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we went out the next night.

Turns out, this is his pattern. He makes tentative plans, then waits until the last minute to firm things up. I told him more than once that really doesn't work for me. I'm better when there's a plan.

So on our last date, I asked him again. He said he sees no reason to make plans because they usually fall through anyway - because something else comes up. I told him that comes across as him not wanting to commit to plans with me in case something better comes along.

To his credit (or not?), he did not deny that is the case.

Like I said, I don't need to be a top priority all of the time - just some of the time. Once in a while. Certainly, I don't think it's asking too much to make (and keep) plans with me several hours in advance. It's not like I've whipped out my 2014 planner or anything.

I admired his candor - he was willing to admit that he is selfish, and arrogant, and that - even if we actually had plans - I still wouldn't be top priority. He also admitted that he plays a little game, trying to see if a woman will go out of her way to see him, to make sure she really likes him.

I admired his candor - but you can probably imagine that was our last date.

An objective opinion

I hate to be wrong. But something I've learned over the last few years is, it's OK to be wrong now and then as long as you're willing to admit it, and learn.

 When I first logged into Skout locally, I noticed a familiar face right away. I looked at the profile to confirm it was him, and then I moved on.

See, we dated a few months back. When I say "dated" I mean we met for coffee once, and then twice I went over to his apartment with dinner, and we hung out. Both times he was very quick to rush me out, saying he needed to get to sleep. (The first time, I happen to know he logged into OKCupid as soon as I left.)

I tried to raise the rushing-out issue in person, but he was too busy rushing me out to listen. So when he texted me the next day, I mentioned I wanted to continue the conversation. He said sure...and then I never heard from him again. I asked him to call when he had time to talk...and then a couple days later I tried to get in touch with him. Nothing. Finally, I sent him a text and told him what I wanted. I asked him to call if he was interested in the same, and if not, no hard feelings.

Since I didn't hear from him, I took that to mean he wasn't interested in further discussion, so I moved on. He could have contacted me by phone, or on OKCupid, or later on Plenty of Fish, when he joined.

But he didn't. It wasn't until Skout that he reached out to me.

It's one of those situations where I wish I had a transcript of our entire exchange. I am second-guessing myself, and tempted to take all of the blame, even though I realize it can't possibly be all my fault.

It occurs to me what I really need are objective opinions offered by people who have no reason to lie.

That's where you, the internet, come in.

(It also occurs to me the NSA should offer transcripts like that for sale. I think the government is missing the boat on a huge revenue stream.)

To be continued....

Best relationship prospects

In case you're wondering why I haven't been going on dates - there's a few reasons. This guy is one. For another, I'm just freaking busy. My full-time job and my various part-time gigs are taking up a lot of time, to say nothing of various volunteering commitments.

The other day, out of curiosity I clicked on a Plenty of Fish feature that directed me to my Best Relationship Prospects.

These users are sorted by the probability that you will have a LONG TERM relationship with them. Only users near by and who you had first contact with during the last 90 days are shown. The list has been generated by our resident team of PhDs who are experts in compatibility science. Our research shows that if you are in contact with 100 different users, 50% of the time your future partner is in the top 10, and 17% of the time the top user on this list is the person you will end up dating.

The person at the top of the list is someone with whom I actually did go out - once. We had very little in common, and though he's contacted me randomly in the weeks since, he's never asked me out again.

So, according the smarty-pants at POF, I've used up my top prospect.

But just in case that wasn't bad enough, I decided to review the top 25...

• Four are guys who emailed me first, and I never responded.
• Ten are guys with whom I exchanged multiple emails, but it never really went anywhere.
• Six are guys I approached, who never replied.
• One is this guy.
• One is a guy who used to date my best friend. I've never even looked at his profile. He looked at mine once - and emailed me to ask me to ask her to contact him.
• One of these "near by" guys lives about 1,000 miles away. As far as I can tell neither of us has ever emailed the other.
• And last but not least... one of them is me. I created a male profile in order to test one of the POF features. It's hidden, and I've never used it to view anyone's profile. But apparently, I am very compatible with myself.

I wonder if being compatible with myself means I'm better off staying single? In any case, I might end up that way, since I've apparently used up my best options.

Date feedback

I was chatting with a guy on Plenty of Fish the other day. My mobile app crashed, and because I can't stand to have unfinished business, I logged into the site on my phone to send my last message.

While I was there, I noticed a new feature on the site that has not yet appeared on the mobile app: Give Date Feedback.

In my inbox, next to each conversation, was an option to give date feedback. When I clicked, it took me to a page that asked me to rate that particular date based on: 

• Connection (how well did you and your date connect in person)
• Accuracy (how closely did your date resemble his profile)

It then asked me to score my date on:

• Conversation skills
• Manners
• Sense of humor
• Open mindedness

Finally, I was asked what I liked about my date, and what he could maybe improve. There are multiple options for each, including punctuality, dressing appropriately, attractiveness, offering to pay for the bill, asking more questions, etc.

I figured out that clicking "continue" actually submits the feedback - and triggers an email to the user. He is notified that feedback was given, and from whom. He can only view the details if he has an upgraded membership.

I. Love. This. 

While I agree that it's important to give feedback fairly and politely, I also think it's fabulous that people could finally learn it's just plain rude to be late, or not dress properly, or whatever. Sometimes giving that feedback is tough; this feature might make that a little easier. I also think it might satisfy curiosity for some who wonder why a date never called again.

Talk about a public service. A great idea - and, oddly familiar.

***I do not have an upgraded profile - however, I'd be quick to purchase one if I get feedback. I would absolutely love to know what I could improve, and what people like about me. As long as they don't want me to go hiking or kayaking, I'm open to suggestions.***

EHarmony got the memo

I heard a radio ad for EHarmony recently, with ground-breaking insight into the minds of singles everywhere:

Not everyone wants to get married.

It seems the site, which has long prided itself on finding only lasting matches, may have finally realized that some people really do just want to date.

The ad went on to talk about how EHarmony can help you find people with similar interests with whom you can have fun.

"Think how happy your dating life will be when you can find quality people to date."

I wonder if Plenty of Fish and OKCupid (or even Match) felt that dig?

For what it's worth... I've used all these sites. I'd never go back to EHarmony. They have the same quality as everyone else.

Message me if...

One thing I try very hard to avoid on my dating profile(s) is listing my requirements for who I'd like to hear from, and who I wouldn't. I talk about myself, which hopefully gives some clue as to who I might like to meet. I talk about what it is I hope to find in a relationship, so that prospective dates know right off the bat if we want different things.

I just feel like, "don't message me if you're so-and-so" or "such-and-such need not apply" is negative and comes across harsh and judgmental. Plus - it won't work. If I say "stupid guys shouldn't message me," most "stupid" guys won't realize I'm talking about them, anyway, because they think they're smart. Meanwhile, the smart ones think I'm just rude. Where does that get me?

Do you see the problem?
Found it here

Anyhoo...I was trolling stalking visiting profiles the other day in search of a date blog material chance to meet a nice new person, and stumbled across a profile that - at first glance - seemed very promising.

(Which just goes to prove you should never judge a book by its cover.)

His profile detailed some of his favorite things (food, hobbies, etc) and ended with:

You should message me if:

You like to enjoy life, see new places, try new things and are not diagnosed or ar being treated for any mental disorders, have not had a recent breakup or divorce and have not spent the last 5 years continously on this site or others like it.

Thanks! Hope to hear from you!

As I understand it, he'd like to meet someone who is either in denial about any emotional problems, or has chosen to leave them untreated. Mental illness could be anything from paranoid schizophrenia to a panic attack once during college finals. Best not to take any chances.

Prince Charming here is 37 and never married, and would presumably prefer to find someone in a similar situation. That should be easy, since the world is just over-flowing with men and women in their late thirties with absolutely no relationship experience. As a bonus, these people are, of course, the absolute best candidates for the type of mature, committed relationship he says he'd like to find.

If you have been in a previous relationship, he'll consider responding - but only if it did not end too recently. Of course, if it ended a while ago, that means you may have been on this site for too long, which is also a problem. It's probably best if you broke up with someone a year ago, took a break from dating, and created your profile within the last week. If that's you, the line forms here ->.

Of course, you need to be open to new experiences - as long as those experiences don't include a willingness to meet new people (at least not online), or try relationships, or anything that might trigger the slightest bit of anxiety (which can be considered a "mental illness"). 

By the way, the "You should message me if..." portion of his profile (which is on Plenty of Fish) was probably stolen borrowed from OKCupid, where the profiles actually contain a section with that title. I wonder how long this guy has been online?

Know your role

I'm endlessly fascinated by what makes people tick. I'm curious about why they say what they say, and do what they do. It's one of the things about dating I find so interesting - and at the same time, so frustrating. 

So the other day, I got a message on Plenty of Fish that a user wanted to "meet me" (POF's quick-match feature, similar to daily matches on Match.com). He had no photo, and his profile was barely completed, so I just ignored the message. 

Later, I noticed he had uploaded a photo. Nice looking man - but the photo didn't look real. Plus, it showed him with a dog - and his profile said he had no pets. He claimed to be a sociologist, with a four-year degree, yet his about section read:

Alor ro tell ask away i am open book

?????

Something seemed off. I was curious, so when I had the chance, I said I wanted to "meet him" too, to see if he'd message me. He did.

"So u want to make my acquaintance"

How many sociologists do you suppose there are who don't use punctuation, and who use "u" instead of "you?"

I asked about the dog in the picture - he said the dog died. Very possible, so I extended my sympathies.  Then I asked,

"So what do you do as a sociologist? Specifically, I mean." 

I'm not even kidding when I tell you his response.

"Im conducting a study on affect of photos vs non photo profiles and success rates of relationships started online"

He then asked, "So whats ur experience" - to which I responded:

"Are you also studying the effects of good grammar versus poor grammar on the success of online interaction?"  

"Look lovey know ur role" then "lol" 

I asked what was funny, and he said:

"U in a kitchen doing ur role"  

I wished him well and said good luck with his "study." I'm not sure what the point was of telling me all of that,or what he hoped to accomplish. I assume he's telling the same lie to others - or maybe he's telling other stories depending on how the interaction starts?

See what I mean? Endlessly fascinating - and something else to look out for when I'm visiting profiles.

Changes at Plenty of Fish

Every now and then, I get an email in my POF inbox from "Markus." Markus is the creator of Plenty of Fish - one of the largest online dating communties in the world. The site is completely free (though there are upgrades available for a ridiculously small monthly fee) and is actually the way I've met the nicest of any of my dates.

So the other day, I got an email from Markus, and I just had to share the highlights (the email has been edited for length and grammar - sorry Markus).

When I created POF, I wanted it to be all about finding relationships with the right person. For the first 7 years this worked really well.... Today about 70% of POF use is via the mobile app and unfortunately about 2% of men started to use POF as more of a hookup site mostly due the the casual nature of cell phone use.

In sticking with my vision that POF is all about Relationships, I'm going to make a bunch of changes to ensure it stays a relationship-focused site.

• Any first contact between users that contains sexual references will not be sent. Anyone who tries to get around this rule will be deleted without warning. This rule has actually been in effect since last month and it's made the site so much better.

• You can only contact people +/- 14 years of your age. There is no reason for a 50 year old man to contact an 18 year old women. The majority of messages sent outside those age ranges are all about hookups. Anyone who tries to get around this rule will get deleted.

• Intimate Encounters will go away in the next few months. There are 3.3 Million people who use the site every day; of those there are only 6,041 single women looking for Intimate Encounters. Of those 6,041 women, the ones with hot pictures are mostly men pretending to be women. Intimate Encounters on POF can be summed up as a bunch of horny men talking to a bunch of horny men pretending to be women.

In short the vast majority of people will not be impacted.  This is because the vast majority of people are not going around spamming women saying "let's have sex tonight". I can't change POF alone, I need your help to get the word out there that POF is all about relationships!

Markus

I love Markus' idea. If it's just sex you're after, there are sites specifically geared for that purpose (and actually, they advertise on POF, so you can navigate quickly). I do have to say - I'd be curious how POF arrived at that 2% figure. I think the number of men using POF for hookups is much higher. From what I hear from the guys I talk with, the same is true of women on the site.

Eliminating "intimate encounters" should be enough to encourage relationships over casual sex. Markus, and POF, should be aware that people everywhere find ways to use online dating for sex. I've been approached for casual sex on Match.com - which is supposedly all about relationships.

My point is - it's their site, their platform, their business. They can run it however they see fit. In my opinion, trying to discourage casual hookups is the right place to start - and probably end. I think monitoring first contacts and limiting age criteria is a little overboard and probably unnecessary.

POF already has a setting that allows users to manage who can send them a message. So why not let users decide if they want to receive messages from people much older or younger? Why not let users report messages that are inappropriate, or profiles that are obviously all about sex?

Markus says it himself - he can't change POF alone. Online dating sites are just like any other social networking site - eventually, it's the users who define the community. Rather than spending time and resources to play hall monitor, POF might be better served teaching its users what they can do to improve their own experience.

Plenty of intentions

One of the basics of a Plenty of Fish profile is your intent. The current choices are:

• Wants to date but nothing serious
• Wants to find someone to marry
• Actively seeking a relationship
• Casual dating/no commitment

After some of the people I've met, it occurs to me more options are needed. I suggest:

• Wants to find a sugar-momma
• Wants a pen-pal, nothing more
• Wants women to reject, in order to feel better about himself
• Seeking gullible women willing to believe almost anything
• Looking for "crazy women" so he can continue complaining all women are crazy

That's just a few suggestions, based upon some recent online dating experience.

For those who think I'm suggesting no guys are looking for relationships, I'm not. I'm just thinking a lot of time could be saved if some guys could share their true intentions up-front.

Give online dating a bad name

Another item in the growing list of trends I see on dating sites, is the guy who changes his profile name (and sometimes main picture) on a regular basis.

I had one guy approach me under one name. We chatted. I told him I wasn't interested. He approached me again a few weeks later. I tried to respond with a thank you, and found he had blocked me, so I couldn't send him a message. Then he emailed me under a new user name - but was using the same pictures. I asked him about it and he told me he'd had trouble with that account, and had to close it and open a new one.

Last week, he popped up in my search results under another new name. We're not talking, and I want to keep it that way, so I can't ask, but...what the heck?!

Another guy who approached me during Lent has previously changed his age, and his ethnicity. I noticed that because sometimes he'd show up in my search results, and other times he wouldn't (it was the age). The other day, he popped up as a new match. It was a new name, but I recognized the photo. I also noted that in his latest profile, he says he has a Masters degree; previously, he had an Associates.

He was a bit of a jerk - so I'm also not going to ask him what's up.

I can tell you that I have been a member of Plenty of Fish for four years - and have never had to change my profile name.

So either these guys are up to no good, or they have the worst luck when it comes to internet safety. Both of them were overbearing and a little mean. The one guy was only interested in talking about sex.

My guess is, they are being reported as violating the site's terms of use, and their accounts are being closed by Plenty of Fish. So they're opening a new account, and probably going to just repeat the same behavior, until they get reported again.

It's guys like this who give online dating a bad name.

A model of a bad profile

I've hidden all my profiles. I have enough problems with the people who already know how to reach me offline.

But that doesn't stop me from trolling dating sites looking for blog material. Last night, a profile on Plenty of Fish caught my eye. Specifically, the headline: I'm not a model, I just look like one! [Side Note: Not really.]

His marital status is separated, and his intent says he wants to date, but isn't looking for anything serious. He's 37, has kids, indicates he does not want more. His interest list includes Facebook (???). His profile is actually written semi-well.

His profile:

I've been on and off this thing about 4 times now. I'm sure you have seen me on here before and read my profile. [Because, obviously he's just so attractive and memorable, you wouldn't be able to stay away.] I am finally going through a divorce as of 2/18/13. I should be divorced in about 2 months. Before, I was the guy who wasn't even legally separated and still living with his wife. [And on a dating site?] Although, she slept on the couch [Mental note: If things don't work out, he makes you sleep on the couch.] and we both dated and did our thing. It kind of hindered my dating [Marriage does that.] but maybe I used it as an excuse to not get too emotionally attached or available to anyone. [Including his WIFE, apparently.]

Here's what I want. I want a woman who is between the ages of 28-38 years old. I'm not going to date anyone over 40 anymore. Especially, if you are older than my oldest sister who is 43. Yeah the sex is good but your kids are either teenagers or not even close to my age [I imagine he means he wants his date's kids to be close to the ages of his own kids. Or maybe he's found that women in their 40s have kids in their 20s, and he considers 20s too close to his own age.] and that does matter.

Please no stalkers, stage 5 clingers, and please please if you are lucky enough to make it to my Facebook [LUCKY ENOUGH?!] and it doesn't work out; do not contact my other woman friends to see if it was them I left you for [So 'it doesn't work out' always means he ended things.] or to search for answers. [If this is the kind of woman he usually attracts, he is probably crazy. Crazy attracts crazy. Or, perhaps he is the type of guy who takes perfectly normal, sane women and turns them into crazy.]

If you are looking for a sweet [Who makes women sleep on the sofa.], sensitive [Who refers to women as 'stalkers' and 'clingers.'], adventurous, funny and charming guy [Who believes women are 'lucky' to be with him.] than [That should be 'then.'] I'm your man.

If you'd like to get "lucky enough to make it to his Facebook" email me, and I can send you his profile name. But act fast! You don't want to let this one get away.

A little boring

In case you're one of the people worried that single gals are always completely lonely and bored, listen to how my weekend went.

Saturday morning - I was approached by Mr. Crazy-Pants at the gym. He wouldn't take my hints to go away, so I had to leave. I hurried home and immediately hid all of my profiles. On a bright note, I have never moved so quickly during a workout.

Saturday afternoon - After canceling a date on Friday, Bachelor #1 texted to find out how late I would be (I was attending a party out of town). He thought perhaps we could "meet up" after.

Does that sound like an attempt at a booty-call? It did to me - and it annoyed me. A lot.

During the party, I received an email from Chef. Just checking in (after, like, three months). Hopes I will hang out with him sometime.

On the way home from the party, I received an email on Match from a guy I've been trying to connect with for two months. He favorited me, I winked at him, he winked back, I emailed him - and he never responded, until now. Finally some good news! We exchanged phone numbers, but that was all.

I got home from the party around midnight. At 12:30 am, I got a text from a guy who I had never met in person, and only emailed briefly on Plenty of Fish. He'd asked me out for Saturday, so he knew I had plans. Guess he assumed I'd be awake. He suggested we meet out. I declined.

I'm not positive he was attempting a booty call. However, guys, it's worth noting that when you suggest getting together after a certain hour (I'd say about 10 pm) it's always - always - suspect.

While I was lamenting my day by venting to Baking Suit, I got another text. At 1:15 am. From a guy I've been talking with, but haven't met. His text consisted of, "Wyd?" I didn't answer.

Talk about suspect. This totally felt like another attempted booty-call. At this point, I just wanted to cry.

On Sunday, I'd agreed to meet Mr. 12:30am for coffee, though I had no hope we would have a connection. I was right. I was in the coffee shop for less than an hour. While I was in there, I got a text from Mr. Ding-a-Ling, and an email from another guy on Plenty of Fish.

I wished both of them a Happy Sunday. Then I went home and hid under the covers until Monday night.

Sometimes, a little boring is exactly what a single gal needs.

Thanks, but no thanks

When you get an email or a "wink" from someone on most dating sites (Plenty of Fish, Match, OK Cupid - I'm looking at you), there's usually an option to click "No Thanks" or "Not Interested" or whatever.

That click prompts a response that basically tells the person, "Thanks, not interested."

It's, like, the meanest form-email in the history of electronic communication.

I (think I) understand why the option is offered - so that the receiver can feel he responded without actually having to go to the trouble of responding. So he can feel he was "polite."

The thing is - I don't think it's polite at all. I also don't think it should be necessary.

If I saw an interesting guy at a party, and I winked, would he feel obligated to walk over to me and give me

Found Here

some line about how he'd just met someone, but he wishes me luck? No.

Would he need to get an objective third party involved to come over and and tell me he appreciated my interest, but doesn't think we're a good match? Certainly not.

He would turn his head and pretend he hadn't noticed. If we had established eye contact, he'd make sure it was broken. Then he'd purposely ignore me for the rest of the evening.

Is that particularly mature or enlightened? Maybe not - but it has been an effective way to communicate disinterest since Adam first starting ignoring Eve so he could pursue other options.

If I "wink" at someone, or send an email, or say I "want to meet" him or send a message saying "so-and-so is interested" and I never hear back, it's very reasonable for me to assume that person does not feel the same.

Which should be OK. I don't know him and he doesn't know me. Unless the interest is mutual, there's absolutely no reason I ever need to hear from him. He owes me nothing, and there should be no expectations. In fact, if I'm doing this whole thing correctly, I sent the "I'm interested" message, and moved on, practically forgetting about it as soon as I clicked send.

But if he feels the need to respond (or send the automatic response), I'm going to get an email. Then I have to go looking to see what he (or the site) had to say. Now not only do I have to actively participate in  my own rejection- I am going to be reminded that I cared in the first place.

Wouldn't it have been nicer (and more polite) to just to ignore me, and let me go along my merry way?

I know some people prefer a response, and some prefer to send one. I won't ever be able to do anything about that (other than write posts like this pleading with them to be more humane).

So I implore you, dating sites - please remove these auto-response options! Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

Worst ever

I've seen a lot of bad profiles...a lot. This may be the worst yet. I copied, pasted, and changed nothing.

Found it here

I am a 40 year old black male from the capital district,have been n a couple serious relationships.I have learned alot from them not really different from any1 else been threw tralis and tribulations.Had 1 10yr strech out of 1 of them,you no did the whole family thing,had tha big house 3 kids a good job,and a nice car.But some times things dont work out n you know how that goes,good things don,t always last for every.Anyway on another note im doing alright ilike two have fun because tommrow is not promise so you must live everyday like its your last in treat women like it is your mother.I like sports,2laugh,basketball,and 2 travel.Look two enjoy life and two hav fun maybe meet tha right one.If your fake don,t reply im grown a don,t have time for bs remmeber trix r 4kids.

Sort of makes you want to cry, no?

Trooper owes me shoes

For years, when things would go wrong in my dating life, I would tell X it was all his fault. After all, I'm supposed to be married to him...if he'd never left me, all this dating nonsense wouldn't be an issue.

But X is really good to me, and besides - I probably can't hold him responsible forever. At some point, it was bound to happen that another great relationship would come along, fail, and that would be the relationship that was supposed to work, and that would be the guy to blame for future disasters.

I believe that baton has officially been passed to Trooper.

Last month, I met this guy on Plenty of Fish. He seemed nice enough, and he seemed interested and willing to put himself out there and ask me out. It took us a couple of weeks to get our schedule in synch, and finally met for drinks one Saturday night.

Side note: I thought we were meeting for dinner, since we met at a restaurant, and he had them seat us at a table. Turned out he wasn't eating, so I just got an appetizer. This should have been a hint, but I missed it completely. Lesson learned.

That Monday he asked if he could "take me to dinner" that week. I said yes. He asked me to pick the restaurant (SN: I hate that. Come with a plan. If I wanted to do all the work, I'd just go to dinner alone.). Parking was tough, so we walked over from an adjacent parking lot. I was concerned about falling on snow, and he laughed at me. No, I'm not kidding. Then he made fun of me. "Oh, don't worry, I'll hold your hand."

I should have ended the date right then, but I'm very polite.

Once we sat down, he announced he wasn't eating - again. Now, I was raised that you don't eat in front of someone who isn't also eating. He informed me that was "stupid." Then he proceeded to tell me he doesn't eat a lot of foods for health reasons...which was a big fat lie because he was looking at the chicken wings at the time.

He eventually admitted he's just a very picky eater. That was evidenced when the waitress came and he agreed to order a sandwich - and then gave her the biggest hassle over choices of sides and additions to the sandwich. Just as embarrassing as calling her hon and then laboring over the bill.



I posted this picture on Trooper's facebook.
Even provided a link and my size.
That's reasonable, right?

 Conversation was tough. First he wanted to hear about my exes, and what had happened. He didn't believe what I told him, which annoyed me - but not nearly as much as when he started to "explain" why men sometimes "need to lie to protect a woman."

I swear it's a miracle I didn't stab him with my fork.

When he started telling me about his ex, and how much he regrets losing her and how he hasn't been able to "close that door all the way" - I put on my coat and said I needed to leave.

Now, I understand that Trooper and I are not meant to be anything more than friends. I understand that everyone - even this guy - comes into my life for a reason. I can't call this date a "mistake." But he laughed, condescended, poked fun, lied, defended lying, accused me of lying, and was rude to me and others.

So, while I understand that ultimately I am responsible for my own choices in life - I still say Trooper owes me shoes.

Online dating - some basics

You can read here (and countless other places) about how to craft a well-written online dating profile, what photos will get the most attention, who to approach, when to approach, how to find the people most attracted to you, etc.

But you rarely see anything describing the basics - you know, tips and tricks to how the sites work. I decided to collect a few of my own and share with you.

You're welcome.

Most sites track who has viewed your profile. This is great, right? You can see who is checking you out. For those of you who are slow to pick up on the obvious...this also means others know when you're checking them out.

Some sites allow you to search profiles, but remain hidden, so that people don't know you're stalking peeping viewing profiles. This is usually a paid feature on otherwise free sites.

Most sites only save emails for a specific amount of time. So, if there's info in one that you want to be keep (someone's name, phone number, etc) - make a  note, send yourself an email, text your best friend, or something.

Just about every site tracks (and reports) when you were last online. On Match, it's right there for anyone who views your profile. Online Now! or Active Within 24 Hours shows right below your profile basics. If you're in someone's "viewed me" or "email" boxes, your profile comes right up on her home screen. She won't even need to open your profile to see when you were last online.

You can also get search results in order of last online activity. On a site like Plenty of Fish, that's the easiest way to tell how recently someone was online.

(FYI, if you're going to tell someone you can't talk to her anymore because you don't have time, your online activity will give you away. Make a note.)

Most sites will allow you to "hide" your profile. This removes your profile from search results - but if you email another user, he will be able to view your profile when he accesses it through the email connection.

You can also "block" a user, which means that user cannot email you.

(So, if you get all cranky-pants because a woman doesn't want to go on a date, and then decide to email her a week later, you'll have to unblock her or she won't be able to respond - even if she was interested.)

Some sites (like Match) make it very easy to hide a profile from your own search results. Other sites (like Plenty of Fish) don't offer this option, or make it easy. This is unfortunate because no one likes to open up a search window and find a whole page of dates-gone-wrong. Sigh.

Some sites are free, while others require a monthly payment. Even the free sites usually have an upgrade for a small monthly charge that will allow you to tap into a few more features. No matter what site, or membership level, you choose - be sure to read up and explore the features.

It's your dating life. If that's not important enough - surely the entertainment value is.

My happy ending

Christmas Eve was a very, very difficult day for me. New Year's Eve was incredibly good. It's amazing how much difference a week (and a good friend) can make.

Let me back up...

Earlier this month, I met a guy. We'll call him Billy. We met on Plenty of Fish on a Monday, and had dates 1 & 2 that week. Then...things fizzled. He didn't really have time for me, kept canceling plans, blowing me off, etc.

I pressed (I know, shocking, right?) and he admitted that he has some drama in his life that limits his time and money for going out. Then he finally fessed up to some other things from his past, that he felt I should know before things "went any further" between us.

I wasn't bothered by the past, as he assumed I would be. I was a little bothered by the fact that he wasn't more upfront, but it wasn't a deal-breaker for me. I told him so - and I told him that what is a deal-breaker for me is being treated well, and both of us wanting the same thing.

We went back and forth, and agreed to continue seeing each other - but it really didn't feel right to me. Baking Suit has wisely told me in the past that if something makes my "tummy feel funny," I should probably listen. She's so wise.

Then, everything changed....

On Christmas Eve, X came by my house to exchange Chrismas presents. We got to talking, and I shared a little bit about Billy with X. His feeling was that all the blow offs and excuses meant that Billy isn't interested but doesn't know how to say so. It's certainly possible that he does like me, can't give me what I want, but wants to keep me on the hook just a little bit.

Of course, X stressed that these things are Billy's issue, not mine, and I shouldn't take it personally or to heart.

Of course, I'd already taken it personally and to heart, and was crying my eyes out. [I felt bad too - my present for X wasn't worth him listening to me carry on, but listen he did. What a good guy.]

He may not have realized it, but X made a huge difference that night. X reminded me that I have a lot to offer, and that if a guy (including himself) was willing to let me walk away, then he doesn't deserve me. He also let me cry. Then talk. Then cry some more.

I wasn't really upset about Billy. I was upset because I felt I'd done so much, made so many positive changes, really knew what I want - and here I was, being played by a guy when I felt I should have known better.

I was reminded of a quote from He's Just Not That Into You - at the end, GiGi tells us,

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it; the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

X left late on Christmas Eve, once he was satisfied I was as good as I was going to get. When I woke up, it was Christmas Day. Two of my favorite little people in the whole world were in my living room tearing through gifts.

My house was full of hope and faith and belief in good things. It was full of smiles and laughter and thoughtful words from a good friend.

I decided then and there that my happy ending would come from moving on - and that it was starting that very moment.

A tone for 2013

I dreaded writing this post, but I suppose it needs to be done. The blogosphere loves a good year-end recap, and since what I write about is dating... Sigh. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

2012 started off just ducky. I thought I'd found the love of my life; my happily-ever-after. He turned out to be nothing more than a really well-disguised frog who broke my heart and sent me reeling into months of grief and heartache. Thank goodness for good friends.

Then I met a guy who, though it didn't work out, taught me an awful lot about myself. I learned what I really want from a relationship, and what I need to change in order to find it. Plus he took me on a really good vacation.

I also met a couple of OK guys. One taught me that ridiculously good-looking guys could actually be interested in me. A valuable lesson, which helped me to meet another guy.

I attempted a dating nap - and failed miserably. It's coming, trust me.

I went on a few really bad dates. Eventually, I met a guy I really like, which has led to very little positive. You haven't heard about him, because I can't even find words to describe how I feel. Yes, it is that bad, and that is how the year is ending.

Still, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I learned a lot, did a lot, and made some important decisions. I made some bad choices, which led to some good stories.

But I'm not sorry to see 2012 go.

I plan to ring in 2013 alone; home with my new TV, my BluRay (both courtesy of X), and my kitties. I believe that 2013 will be a good year, full of positive choices and options, and new, exciting stories. I believe 2013 will be a year full of happy. I believe that any good I find will start within me. 

So the tone I'm setting for 2013 is one of peace and quiet, and comfort and happiness - all found with me, and me alone. I'm hoping it helps me to find the center I'll need to move forward and make 2013 a fabulous year.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." Hellen Keller

He's out

The last "bad decision" I made a few weeks ago resulted in a date with a convicted felon.

Let me start at the beginning...

Music Man clicked "Yes" to my profile on the Plenty of Fish "Meet Me" feature. I was notified. I'd seen his profile before, and honestly - I thought we probably wouldn't be a good fit because it looked like he led a pretty exciting life. He's in entertainment, goes to parties, most of his pictures were at bars, etc.

Emboldened by the "Yes," I sent him an email. We started chatting, and then texting, and the next night we spoke on the phone. We agreed to meet for lunch the following day.

I'd already learned that not only did he work in entertainment - his job is in the "adult entertainment" industry. By itself, not a huge issue - though I'll admit, a little intimidating. The biggest challenge that presented would actually have been logistical - his schedule is completely opposite my own. It's very rare that we are both not at work and awake at the same time.

But I wasn't going to let that stop me.

Over lunch, he told me he has several kids (each with a different mom) but no baby-momma-drama. Hmmm... I wonder how you could have that many people, and no drama? He also admitted that his last relationship ended badly, and quite abruptly, leaving him without a place to live or a car. His boss had stepped in to help out - and he was still taking advantage of those favors.

Now...I don't begrudge anyone riding a wave and saving a little money. What I am not a fan of is someone trying to date while his life is in transit. See, my life (work, home, car, bills, etc) is pretty settled. That frees me up to pursue relationships. I understand life happens, and you can't always be settled - but maybe those unsettled times are not the best time to be searching for your soul mate? Just sayin'.

That was truly strike one.

Then he admitted to having a felony conviction. By itself, under different circumstances, maybe not a huge thing. But he still engages in the behavior that landed him in trouble. That's a problem for me. Making a mistake and learning a lesson? Fabulous. Ignoring that lesson and perpetuating the problem?

Strike two.

After lunch, he texted to tell me that he'd had a great time, and asked when he could see me again. This was a Wednesday. I told him next week, because I was busy Thursday, he works Friday and Saturday nights, and spends Sundays with his kids. That brings us to Monday, so did he want to make plans?

That was the last I ever heard from him.

Strike three. He's out.