A tone for 2013

I dreaded writing this post, but I suppose it needs to be done. The blogosphere loves a good year-end recap, and since what I write about is dating... Sigh. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

2012 started off just ducky. I thought I'd found the love of my life; my happily-ever-after. He turned out to be nothing more than a really well-disguised frog who broke my heart and sent me reeling into months of grief and heartache. Thank goodness for good friends.

Then I met a guy who, though it didn't work out, taught me an awful lot about myself. I learned what I really want from a relationship, and what I need to change in order to find it. Plus he took me on a really good vacation.

I also met a couple of OK guys. One taught me that ridiculously good-looking guys could actually be interested in me. A valuable lesson, which helped me to meet another guy.

I attempted a dating nap - and failed miserably. It's coming, trust me.

I went on a few really bad dates. Eventually, I met a guy I really like, which has led to very little positive. You haven't heard about him, because I can't even find words to describe how I feel. Yes, it is that bad, and that is how the year is ending.

Still, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I learned a lot, did a lot, and made some important decisions. I made some bad choices, which led to some good stories.

But I'm not sorry to see 2012 go.

I plan to ring in 2013 alone; home with my new TV, my BluRay (both courtesy of X), and my kitties. I believe that 2013 will be a good year, full of positive choices and options, and new, exciting stories. I believe 2013 will be a year full of happy. I believe that any good I find will start within me. 

So the tone I'm setting for 2013 is one of peace and quiet, and comfort and happiness - all found with me, and me alone. I'm hoping it helps me to find the center I'll need to move forward and make 2013 a fabulous year.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." Hellen Keller

Lesson learned already

"I believe God has a plan. Just wish He'd stop with all the false alarms." 

"They're considered lessons. God doesn't test us, but He does allow us to learn lessons. We keep making the same mistakes until the lesson has been learned."

I was talking with a friend about how I'm tired of meeting all the wrong guys, and while I trust that there is a plan for me that includes the right guy - I'd just like to get on with it already.

I thought about what my friend said, and I think she's right. There have been lessons that I needed to learn. But like I said to her...

I've got the lesson down about not staying with the wrong guy just to be in a relationship. I've absolutely mastered the guy who says he's interested, only to disappear. I'm a black-belt in guys who get into a relationship, only to drop me like a hot potato just when things seem to be going along nicely.

So what the heck is left?!

I have been over and over and over this in my head. It's probably irrational, but I have myself convinced that if I can figure out what the lesson is, I can learn it, and then true love will just fall out of the sky and land at my doorstep. Preferably on a good hair-day.

I know it probably won't happen exactly that way...but if there's a lesson to be learned, I'd still like to figure it out, if only for myself.

I've been talking about it a lot...but I think for me, communication is one of the biggest lessons. I'm just not good at it - at least not when it comes to a significant other. When I was married, the only time we "communicated" was when we fought. The rest of the time, we kind of just hummed through life as though everything was fine. That was probably largely my fault, because that's the way my family operates, and it's the way I was raised.

Since I've learned to associate communication with fighting, I'm constantly afraid that if I attempt to communicate with a guy, he'll perceive it as me picking a fight. Since I don't want to fight - I avoid communication.

Which isn't really working out so well for me.

I was absolutely horrible with Big. I improved a little with Trooper. I got incredibly good at it with Sparrow. I'd really like it if the universe could send me the guy who can help me pass that final exam. I think I'm ready. I finally realize that saying what's on my mind isn't the same as fighting - now I just need someone to help me practice.

Connected to all of this is a lesson in my own self-esteem. I need to remember that my feelings and desires and worries are just as important as the other person's. I learned to not feel that way from a previous relationship (Pre-X) that I never talk about, because it was quite painful. He was simply awful to me - abusive in every way. It's amazing how long we carry some things in life. I didn't even realize how big this guy's impact on me was until after X and I separated.

He convinced me that what I want in a relationship is far less important than what the other person wants. He also convinced me that if I don't give the other person everything he wants - I'm not good enough. He sealed the deal by making sure I always knew how fat, ugly, and stupid I am.

Great guy. Found him at the mall. Probably why I look for guys on the internet now. 

So how do I get over that? There are a million techniques, and I know them all. My self-esteem is a fight - but it's one that I'm winning. I think the big thing when it comes to relationships is not to let the other person affect how I see myself.

I am that girl who lets guys affect her self-esteem. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely have my own identity, and for the most part, I feel absolutely wonderful about myself.

But when I like someone, and he doesn't like me back - the wheels fall off. Before I know it, I'm right back in my 19-year-old self's shoes, sick to my stomach because I'm not good enough. Then I start trying to fix whatever I did wrong - making promises and changes, practically begging for another chance.

I notice it a lot when guys go AWOL. I get bummed, and down on myself. It's frustrating because I know better; I know not to expect more from someone than what he's promised, and I know that if someone disappears, it says more about him than it does me. Yet, I can easily get really bummed over one guy.

If that were any of my friends, I'd tell her to get her head on straight. That she's beautiful and smart, and if this guy was too stupid to see how lucky he was to have a chance with her, then he's not worth a second of worry. I'd be right, too.

So why can't I just take my own advice?

I get it. I know the right person will see me for the fabulous person I am. I also know the people who don't see it are obviously not right for me - and so their opinions don't even really matter. Knowing isn't the problem; I struggle with remembering in the moment.

Still, I know I'm getting the hang of this lesson. Know how? Any other time I feel rejected, the first thing I do is look for validation from another guy. I text a guy I already know; or more likely, I jump online and find someone new.

Not this time. This time, I'd already decided that if recovery was necessary, I would do it on my own. That I don't need anyone else to remind me how wonderful I am. I decided it's time to learn to remind myself.

So I may not have mastered this lesson yet - but I'm just about there.

Time to sweep off the doorstep and grab my hair dryer.

Two is better than one

Two is better than one when it comes to eyes...ears...hands...shoes...earrings....

Not necessarily "dates in one night."

But, that's what I did, about two weeks after updating my online dating profiles. It didn't start out that way. In fact, when I left for work that morning, I had every intention of hitting the nail salon and the gym in the evening.

Then Pimp texted to ask if I wanted to meet for a quick bite. He offered a place near work, that would be very quick - more on that later - and I accepted. I might need to skip my nails, but I could still make the gym.

Then Morgan texted me and asked if I was busy; his plans with his kids had changed, and he was hoping we could get together (it would be our first date). I wasn't giving up a chance at that; so I said sure, but I would need to text when I was done with my "friend."

I've gone on more than one date in a day before. But it's usually meet one for coffee (as a first date) and one for dinner (as a second or third date). I've never gone on two first dates within two hours.

I have to say - not something I recommend.

If you actually like first dates - maybe. I do not. I hate repeating the same basic spiel - my "story" - over and over; to have to do it twice in a couple of hours? Torture.

Not to mention - both guys wanted to go for food. Not having planned better, I didn't leave myself an out. So by the time I got home, I was full - and didn't have time for the gym.

It also left me no time for myself. On a Saturday, a breakfast date followed by a dinner date later is fine. I'm left with plenty of GGS time in between. But squeezing in two dates after work? No time at all. Not a good plan.

But we know I like my lessons. The moral of this story?

When you're single, you always need to be dressed as though your next date is just around the corner. 

Gimme a boost

So, like I said, I met this guy who is smart, funny, incredibly handsome, sexy as all get-out, has money, and very little (visible) baggage.

Like I also said, he didn't really stick around long enough to stay in the picture.

Which, naturally, got me wondering - what's the point? 


(It's entirely possible I think way too much.)

Be that as it may...I'm still curious about people; what makes them tick, how they behave and why, their interactions, their motivation, etc. I'm also endlessly curious about their interaction with me. What makes someone appear in my life, only to disappear just as quickly?

In this case, I've decided that Morgan's purpose in my life was probably to give me a much-needed ego boost.

If you're a regular reader, you may remember that my self-esteem took a major hit after the breakup with Trooper, especially when it comes to my looks. As much as I might like to think I can recover from that all on my own (which I am doing, by the way) - catching the eye of a smart, sexy, successful, handsome man can't hurt.

Sure, he didn't stick around - but that doesn't matter. What I needed was someone, who I would normally have thought of as way out of my league, to take notice; to show some interest, and prove to me that a guy like that a) does exist and b) could actually like me.

I didn't really need someone who was going to be in it for the long haul. I can't commit to a long haul with anyone right now anyway. I don't really need anyone to fall hopelessly in love with me.

Not just yet, anyway.

Just fascinating

Less than a week after I updated my online profiles, I met this guy*. He approached me (which almost never happens). He seemed interested - after only a few IMs back and forth, we exchanged phone numbers. The next day, I spoke to him on the phone (which I never do) for about an hour. And he even called me back later that night. He suggested a date later that week, and then called me to wish me a good night. The next day, he suggested maybe we could get together - and two days later, we went on a second date.

Then - nothing. I was busy that weekend, and we texted a bit. Talked on the phone one more time...a few more texts...and then the following Friday, I asked if he wanted to get together over the weekend. 

<crickets>

As I write this, I haven't heard from him (that was more than two days ago), and I know he's online because the handy-dandy dating site told me when I signed in earlier to retrieve a message. He's not techy, so if he's showing up online, it's because he's actually sitting at his computer. 

Smart guy...incredibly handsome...older....with money....and appeared to have very little drama. So it's not actually surprising he decided he wasn't interested (I rarely get to keep the normal ones). 

Of course I don't know him well enough to care about him. But, as I said to my best friend, I'm simply fascinated by this aspect of dating. He was obviously attracted enough to approach me, ask me out on one date, then keep calling me, and go on a second date. He said he liked to take things slow, so we did, and I really only talked/texted with him when he wanted.

In that situation, what makes a guy just up and decide he's no longer interested? I'm not even talking about just me at this point. I've talked to other women, and even other men, who say the same thing has happened to them. After one conversation? I get that. I can even see losing interest after just one date. 

But after a couple dates, when he went out of his way to keep things going - what changes? Is it a game? Is it because he decides there's not enough of a challenge? Is he one of those guys that's afraid to date, so he sticks to women with whom he'd never get serious? 

Just fascinating. 

*I've decided to call him Morgan, because half way through our second date, I decided this was probably what it was like to be on a date with Shemar Moore. Him looking positively irresistible, everyone looking at him wondering, "How did she get a date with him?" and me, trying not to drop food in my lap.