Real thing

We're always looking for signs, especially when it comes to dating. We always want to know if it's the real thing without having to actually ask - so we read signs. I'm personally very bad at that - I tend to misread to the extreme. I either think things are going really well, when the guy is actually totally not into me - or I think it's totally wrong, when in fact, it's the real deal.

So I actually have to ask.

But there are signs that can help even the most challenged dater figure out if what's going is the real deal, or just another filler-date. How About We has a great wrap-up of a few signs to look for.

My personal favorite? You're both breaking all the rules. I think if you've found the right guy - you're going to write your own rules, anyway.

Are you single?

I've said before, I believe I'm single - but not available (which I firmly believe facebook should add as a relationship status option).

But if you are truly single (as in, not dating anyone) - what stage are you? How About We helps us figure that out, with the Eight Degrees of Singlehood.

Where do you fall? Have any to add?

Permanent reminder

Would you ever get a tattoo of your boyfriend's name? Or your girlfriend's face? Are you the subject of a tattoo, either with your current SO, or an ex?

I am.

X has a tattoo on his chest that is our names on a banner, over a heart, surrounded by flowers. It's on his left side, right over his heart. I've never asked, but I suspect the current X's girlfriend finds that a little bit annoying.

He says he doesn't regret getting the tattoo - that's how he felt at the time, and it isn't like we hate each other, so it's not a reminder of anything particular painful (at least, I don't think so). When he got the tattoo, he did tell me that if I ever broke up with him, I'd have to pay him rent. When we first separated, I reminded him that clause only came into play if I left him - ha!

But what if you had a tattoo that reminded you of a breakup that was incredibly painful? One that you'd just as soon forget? I gotta believe a constant, permanent reminder would make it difficult to move on.

Then again, if we go into every relationship just waiting for things to go wrong, and preparing for the worst, we're probably missing out on some unbelievably happy moments, don't you think? So maybe the people who go for broke, throw caution to the wind, are to be commended. Maybe we should all take a lesson from their faith, and hope, and show of trust?

Or maybe there's something to be said for people who just exchange jewelry.

Dating survival kit

There are certain things I never leave home without - some things, I even have duplicates with me just about everywhere. For example, I have lip gloss in my purse and my car. I always keep deodorant, a toothbrush, hand-lotion, hairspray and perfume in my car.

If I'm going on a date, some of those things might end up in my purse, too - just in case I have an emergency in the restaurant, or I end up in his car.

I think the things we need, or where we need them, changes based on the status of the relationship. For example, having deodorant or hairspray in my purse is no longer a big deal to me, because I leave some at Trooper's house.

I think the point isn't that you might even need anything - as much as it is that knowing your favorite "things" are available just makes you feel better (read: less stressed, more confidant).

This post from How about we, 10 Things that should always be in your purse on a date, sums it up nicely. The things that make you feel confidant and pretty should be with you - at all times.

Purse

1 - Lipstick and/or chapstick
2 - Deordorant
4 - Tissues
5 - Pain meds (allergies are not an issue for me, but sore knees might be)
6 - Cash
7 - Phone (which includes a book app)
8 - Powder (I like to shine, but c'mon)
9 - Mints
10 - Safety pins/sewing kit


Car

Perfect - no water required.

1 - Change of shoes (just in case those super-cute heels fail before my date does)
2 - Nail clipper and clear nail polish - for manicure emergencies
3 - Phone charger
4 - Umbrella (make it a purse-size, just in case)
5 - Mini-toothbrush

Just friends

I was reading the other day that men and women can not be just friends; because the guy always wants to have sex with the woman. I also believe that Rob Reiner, with the help of Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, have already covered that for us.

I used to think that was true. In fact - I used to have a real problem with X having a female friend. That ended badly; and isn't really the subject of this post.

Nowadays, I do think that men and women can be just friends. I have quite a few male friends. As it turns out, the ones to whom I'm closest are usually guys I once dated (or, you know, married then divorced).

I guess that's because that whole pesky sex-thing is out of the way; we've been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. It's not a lingering issue that stands between us and an honest, platonic friendship.

When I first started dating, I never thought I'd be okay with my significant other having friends of the opposite sex - and I certainly never would have imagined I'd be okay with exes. At first - I wasn't. I would worry and fret (and yes, facebook stalk), constantly thinking I was about to have the rug pulled out from underneath me - again.

I recently discovered that I no longer feel that way. Well, not as much, anyway. Trooper has plenty of female friends. Some are exes; and some are friends with whom he spends time. When I first found out, I thought I'd be bothered; I expected to be worried, feel insecure, and maybe even get a little mad.

I was surprised when that didn't happen.

I was so surprised that I actually asked a couple of trusted friends if they thought I was being crazy for not being upset. They assured me I was not.

Apparently, this is what happens when you're secure enough in yourself, sure of what you want, and you're in an open and honest and healthy relationship (at any stage).

Huh. Go figure. Here I thought it was all just a myth.

White lies

The Free Dictionary defines a white lie as, "An often trivial, diplomatic, or well-intentioned untruth."

You know, like telling someone that you like an outfit (when you really don't) to boost her confidence, or telling a date you had a good time (when you really didn't) to spare his feelings. Or:

• I know I sent that email...
• I'll be ready in five minutes...
• Oh, your baby is adorable!

You get the idea. 

For the most part, I try to avoid white lies, especially when dating. To me, a white lie is something best told to someone you won't see again. If the relationship continues, you may eventually have to fess up (depending on the lie). But still, they come in handy now and then, especially when I'm first getting to know someone. 

For example: 

"I blog sometimes..." Translated: I'm always writing something, and you'll find me everywhere if you google my real name. And then there's this other blog....

"Sure, I'm friendly with my ex..." Translated: He's one of my best friends, we're on each other's facebook, we still exchange Christmas gifts, and if this continues, you may eventually meet him. In fact, I'll be texting him after we say goodbye. 

"I like my job...." Translated: No, I really don't, but I want to make a positive first impression. You'll find out soon enough. 

"Of course I saw that movie..." Translated: I don't remember - but it's entirely possible that I did.

To read some other white lies daters typically tell, click here. 

Wrap it up

Assuming we're still together, Christmas Day will be exactly two months since my first date with Trooper. Someone close to me recently observed that it's so nice that I "have someone" during the holidays, the toughest time to be alone.

This person is also happily married to a freaking prince...

So while she's right that it is nice to be with someone for some parts of the holiday - I don't think she realizes all the challenges it presents. When a relationship is new at holiday time, it raises more questions than it answers. Like, does it mean anything if we spend time together on Christmas? Or is it too big a holiday to hope for, so soon into things? Does it mean anything if he doesn't ask me to meet his family, or doesn't want to meet mine? And the all important...

Should I get him a gift? 

I happen to know Trooper got me a gift, so I know I'm okay in at least getting him something little. I've already placed my order with Amazon Santa.

But in case you're looking for some guidelines, How About We posted a helpful flow-chart to help daters figure out what to give to whom, and when. Click here to see that post.

Dealbreakers

I used to have a "type." Then, after dating for a while, I realized that having a type often meant I would shy away from guys because they didn't fit the mold. For a while, I went on a date with just about any guy who asked, to make sure I wasn't walking away from someone worth keeping around. 

Sounds like a big waste of time, right? I definitely went on some lousy dates - but I learned a lot, so I wouldn't call it a total waste. Process is a better word; I had to go through it to learn more about myself, and what my real deal-breakers are. 

So what are they? 

* A job - or at least an idea of what he wants to do. In this economy, plenty of people are unemployed or underemployed - but there's a difference between a grown-up who had some bad luck, and someone who never bothered to grow up. 

* Live on his own. Again - while I get the economics, it just isn't for me. In fact Gardner had never lived anywhere but his childhood home. While he shares it with siblings now, and not parents - the point is, he'd never had to live on his own. I take care of myself, and I expect any SO to be able to do the same. 

* He's gotta like cats. I know, I know - it seems silly. But I love my kitties, and I know I'd never want to give them up. I considered it briefly, when thinking about dating someone who was allergic. The thought made me absolutely sad. 

* Previously married, or experience in some sort of committed relationship. Seem strange? Maybe. But I dated a guy once who had never been married, and had only been in one long-term relationship. He had trouble "getting" how compromise and balance in a relationship were supposed to work. I'd prefer to date a guy who has already learned those lessons. 

* Non-smoker. I tried; I really did. I just don't like it. 

* Tolerant of others. By this, I mean he needs to be politically and socially open-minded, and not judgmental of lifestyles that differ from his own. 

Now - maybe some of those are unfair. Everyone has their quirks, I suppose. But this article from the dating blog over at How About We lists some really picky deal-breakers. 

Best facebook face

Trooper sent me the friend request on facebook, after our second date. I accepted it, already aware of what my profile looks like. I warned him ahead of time that I am friends with a couple of exes - and learned that so is he, so it's actually fine. 

Just to double check, I also used the feature on my profile page, allowing me to view it as him - to see what he'd see. I double checked my privacy settings, friend lists, etc. I don't post pictures of myself that are embarrassing or compromising, anyway, so that wasn't an issue. As a rule, I don't say anything on the internet I wouldn't want the internet to see - and that includes any new people in my life. 

About 20 minutes after I did all this, I got an email from How about we, with a link to an article called 9 Things to Do When Someone You Like Friends You on Facebook. 

Honestly - the tips are really what everyone should be doing anyway. I mean, wouldn't you always show off your best self, crush or not? Things like checking the top five photos, and watching what you post on others pages, and carefully choosing which pages to "like" - that's all normal facebook activity. 

Always show off your best facebook face. 

Attitude

I have this nagging voice in the back of my head that says I'm not attractive enough to date. I know, I know, this is a bad way to think about yourself. It's a faint voice; barely audible, really. But it's there. Sometimes, it screams. I'm working on it.

I've been told, though, that the most attractive quality a woman can possess is confidence. That it doesn't matter what color your hair is, or how tall you are, or if your butt is a little too round. If you love yourself, put your best foot forward, and walk like you mean it - you'll be attractive.

I think there's some truth to that. Let's face it, you could be the prettiest blonde with the best body, but if you hide in the corner, you're not really attracting anyone, are you? Besides, attraction is relative; qualities that one guy finds to be a total turn-on might not even register with another guy.

But if you're confident, you'll be out there, open to meeting the person who finds you attractive (and about whom, hopefully, you feel the same). You'll be smiling and happy, and generally prettier because of that.

How About We has a post this week about how to make yourself attractive to anyone. Not surprisingly, attitude is in the top five.

Apparently, the must-have accessory for any dating season? Confidence and a good attitude.

Little bits

Just a few little items I thought worth mentioning - but that really don't deserve their own post:

> Remember the article that told us scary activities can be a great date? I tested that theory not too long ago with Trooper - and it is totally true. The scare factor is a tremendous ice-breaker, conversation is natural because there is so much going on - and there's plenty of opportunity for hand-holding.

> Remember Crush? And remember that his former girlfriend is someone I know? They got married last weekend. Awkward.


> Things are going well with Trooper - well enough, that I'm thinking I will have to tell him about this blog at some point. I've wondered about this before, and the consensus was wait about a month, see how things are going, and then tell. Feel free to weigh in.

Better than a bed and breakfast.

Single horror movie

Boo!

This whole weekend is about Halloween parties and fun. It's one of my favorite holidays, even though it is a little bit of a "couples" day. I will admit, I'm a little jealous of people who always have a date, can go somewhere fun and wear a really cool couples costume. Last year I went out with a several couples, for dinner and some bar-hopping. I seriously considered going as a fifth wheel - but scrapped the idea when I couldn't put it together in time.

The truth is, any holiday - even one that's purely fun - brings couples together, and then puts them out on display, for all us singleton's to observe. It can be a reminder of all the things that you don't have, especially if you're in that state of singlehood where you're looking for your other half.

Don't let it.

Yeah, I know, easier said than done. But single doesn't have to be a horror movie. In fact, let's start right there. Slasher films - the girl having sex at the beginning of the film is almost always the first to get axed. The single girl is smart enough not to go in the basement, or to answer the phone, or whatever. She's often the one who makes it all the way to the end of the movie.

And costumes. If you're single, you can wear whatever you want. You can be a sexy kitten, or a witch - or you can go as Batman if you want. You don't have to match anyone else while you're out.

Speaking of going out - you can go wherever you want. That fun bar with the band? Go ahead. That lame-o party at your ex-boyfriend's brother's house? You'll be able to skip that. Score!

You can buy whatever Halloween candy you want - and all the leftovers are yours. 'Nuff said.

Another advantage to being single on Halloween, is that scaring your date can make him fall in love with you. According to this post over at the How About We dating blog, there is actual science (seriously) that suggests that once we associate heart-pumpin', nervous-sweatin' excitement with someone - that association sticks.

So be careful who you scare this weekend. Happy haunting!

Dating age calculator

I've tried younger. I've tried older. I'm like the Goldilocks of online dating - I'm trying to get it just right.

Thankfully, this article from How about we... can help me calculate the correct ages, and stop all the guess work.

For the record, according to this formula:

My youngest - 26

My oldest - 60

That would make my youngest 4 years older than my former step-daughter, and my oldest biologically capable of being my parent.

That might need some work. Though, it does exclude the guy almost as old as my dad.

For more talk about how age plays a part in dating, take a look at today's Singles Warehouse post - Age old question.