Happy Halloween

One of the best things about Halloween is the scary stories. I tell you mine all the time - so I thought today, I'd share some other dating horrors. They come to us from iVillage - 29 Terrifying (and true!) dating horror stories.

I'm too picky

I know it's true; I want too much. I've spent enough time on my own to have developed impossible standards for what I require before giving up my single status.

Sorry, cupid.

When I told my Gardner story to one friend, her advice was to talk to him; tell him exactly what I wanted him to do, exactly what I needed and expected - and then let him decide if it's something he can handle. It's logical - as she pointed out, he can't read my mind.

Call me difficult, call me complicated, call me high maintenance - call me a bitch. Say I'm making excuses. Say or think whatever you like - the truth is, I don't want to have to tell someone what I want and then wait to see if it's something he can "handle." I want us to just naturally click.

I know - it's probably unfair, and maybe unreasonable, and a little too much. So was the Barbie Dreamhouse - but that didn't stop me from asking Santa.

I've done the whole "here's what I want" thing with a guy before. Know what? He went along with it. For about fourteen years. Then, one day, seemingly out of nowhere - he stopped. Suddenly, he wasn't willing to "handle" me anymore - and he left. So I know that no matter how much compromising you both do, it can still fall apart.

I know that relationships are about compromise. Of course I realize that I'll have to give some. I won't always get my own way, and it won't always be about me. But shouldn't the other person give a little, too? Shouldn't he want to give a little, to make room for "us" in his life?

If I find a guy with whom I just fit; a guy who says and does all the right things, and for whom I say and do the same - then there won't be any of this wondering, compromising or "training." Neither of us will have to "handle" the other - because it just works.

That's what I want. Maybe I'm too picky - but that's never stopped me before.

When do I tell?

I didn't communicate well with Big. I won't even bother blaming that on him, either. The truth is - I just wasn't good at verbalizing what I was thinking and feeling where he was concerned. I was always worried I would make him angry, or give him an excuse to end things. 

I've obviously grown a bit since then, and with Gardner, I am enjoying what is (so far) a much more open, honest and upfront relationship. It's different, it's exciting, and it feels right. 

I don't have a lot of secrets. I don't have any baggage or drama from past relationships; no health concerns; no kids or criminal charges that I "forgot" to mention. No bankruptcies, no bench warrants, no divorces that aren't finalized. This time, I don't even have any other guys that I'm seeing that I need to keep secret.

Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

Except...

The blog? I don't announce to the world that I am the author over here. If I did, it would make my semi-anonymity a little silly. It hasn't been an issue, since I haven't dated anyone long enough, or seriously enough, to have to tell. 

Gardner is something a little more...serious. I don't necessarily feel like it's so serious that I owe him an explanation right now - but I feel like it could get to a point where I'd have to fess up. Thing is, if I don't do that now, at what point will it feel like a betrayal that I didn't tell him sooner?

I shoulda stuck with cats. 

Timing is everything

I promised to tell you more about a "talk" Gardner and I had about our relationship. I always keep my promises. Please note: You may chuckle at this story. Or gasp. Or do both at the same time, and start coughing uncontrollably. You've been warned.


Several dates in (okay, three - don't judge) Gardner asked me to his house where he promised me a home-cooked meal. I have to say - he's, like, the sweetest guy. Ever. Dinner was waiting for me, the dining table was set, and he'd made sure to get my favorite drink.

One thing led to another....and since this blog isn't specifically about my sex life, I'll let you fill in that blank. But it's important to remember that what happened next happened right after the blank.

Laying there talking, Gardner said to me, "As much as I like you, I don't have any expectations...." He went on to say a few other things that may, or may have not, clarified what he was talking about, but I didn't hear them. Because my brain was fixated on what sounded like a rejection.

Immediately after the first blank. In fact, it was barely over. It was more like a blan. 

I did my best to remain calm. I thought, actually, I was doing pretty well. I patted his arm and told him I was going to get going - not in a mean or angry way, it was just time for me to head home. But he realized I was upset and started apologizing - profusely. I told him I wasn't angry, grabbed my things and went to open the door.

The doorknob came off in my hand, trapping me in the room with him.

The doorknob came off in my hand.


I know, you're laughing. It's fine. I can wait.


....So I'm standing there, belongings in one hand, doorknob in the other. He's behind me apologizing, and I'm fighting every urge in my body to hurl the hardware at his head. I nearly did - but I realized that I needed the doorknob to get out of the room.

I asked him nicely to fix the door so I could get out. He started to - then stopped, to keep apologizing. I asked a second time - less nicely. He fixed the door, and I made my exit.

Like I said the other day, it's not only important to know what to say when you want to talk about your relationship - it's also important when you say it.

The lesson here? Timing is everything. And always make sure doors are in proper working order.

I think OK Cupid hates me

My new thing is when I get a "quiver match" (Suggested matches from OK Cupid. Get it, it's the quiver from cupid's arrow? Oh, nevermind....) I take a look, and if they look interesting, I email them. I say new because I used to just ignore them, and look on my own when I was darn good and ready.

So, the other day, I signed in and found a new group of three. The first? This guy - because apparently, he created a new profile and cupid thought he was being helpful.

Next....

Was a guy whose profile says he earns less than $20,000/year, his education and job are blank, and his interests include bowling, surfing the net and "i also like to wear diapers 24/7 and have girl/female change mydiaper!!!"

Just because Cupid wears a diaper....

I was going to do a "best of the worst" entry on this, but I was afraid to read further in his profile. I did scan down to the bottom to read the last sentence about who should message him. My eye started to twitch, so I moved on - right after I hid his profile.


Now listen - I'm not judging. Whatever floats your boat; just because I'm not into something doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. But it seems to me like a fetish that can only be caused by some sort of stunted emotional development can't be good for you as an adult - or your relationships.

But what do I know, anyway?


What's the worst online dating profile you've come across? 

The dangers of sexting

Last week was definitely one of the most interesting exciting ridiculous I've had, as far as dating goes.

My thoughts exactly.
Source

On Tuesday, I got a text from a guy I'd met on a dating site. We'd exchanged a couple of emails, and he asked if I would give him my phone number so we could text. I did - and we exchanged a few texts. They stopped after  while, I deleted the thread, then I got a new phone, and I'd honestly forgotten all about him. But he was still a contact, so the text came up from "Scott POF" (because that's all I know about him) and attached was a picture - of "little Scott" (and I do mean little).

Seriously? A friend of mine, who is much younger than I, said to me, "You mean that still happens at your..." Of course she trailed off, because she didn't mean for it to come out that way, but I finished for her. Yes, it still happens - at any age. Why? Because some men never outgrow their cooties.

After over two years of active online dating, this is the first time it has ever happened - and I was not (still am not) happy. But I barely had time to recover when I got the next email, through that same site.

Him: Hi there. How are you?
Me: I'm doing well, thanks. You?
Him: Good, thanks for asking. What are you looking for on this site?
Me: Looking to meet people. Hoping that meeting turns to dating and eventually a relationship. It all takes time, you know?
Him: I'm looking for a nasty, kinky, horny woman to have fun with.

Seriously? Now - I have no issue with people looking for casual sex. I do have an issue with people wasting my time with these inquiries when my profile clearly states I am looking for a relationship.

I ignored his email, figuring anything I could say back might sound judgmental or nasty, and I really didn't care. But he emailed me, saying he was sure he'd scared me away but that he "finds it easier to be completely honest."

"You were Brett Farved!" ~ Friend
Source

Really? Now I was just - irritated beyond description. So, I double-checked his profile, and responded by saying that, yes, honesty is best. I suggested maybe he start with his own profile, and stop advertising that he's looking for a relationship, and start being upfront about the fact that all he's interested in is casual, "kinky" sex.

Surprisingly enough, he had nothing to say to that.

I got a whole days reprieve before getting an email, this time from another dating site. I opened up the sender's profile first - 28. Great, I thought. Can't wait to read what he has to say.

Turned out to be one line: I wish you were into disciplining naughty boys.

Did I read that right? I went back to his profile, and when I scrolled down, I found where he said he's into SM, and "if you know what means, then great!"

At that point, I sent my profile (both of them) to a friend and asked if there was something - anything - on there that suggested I was even remotely interested in these sort of inquiries. I've been assured there is not - but I'm still wary.

And, quite frankly, pissed.

I don't like being attacked like this. Is it really an attack? I think so. I'm at the point now where I avoid the sites, am afraid to open emails, and feel like I have to do so with extreme caution. I shouldn't have to feel that way. The fact that my trust in the sites, and freedom to communicate, is compromised means it's an attack. Maybe less serious than most, but an attack nonetheless.

Someone asked me what men are thinking when they send these kind of emails. The truth is, I have no idea. Do they work? I suppose they must, or men would stop sending them. But why send them when you don't know how the woman will react? What if she gets turned off - or worse?

I'll admit, I will probably just ignore these - to do otherwise would invite all sorts of drama. But I considered naming fingers and pointing names - how do guys know they won't cross a woman who is just daring enough to do so? Are they prepared for the consequences if they do?

I was reading this article from Sexis, which seems to sum it up perfectly. Some women like them; others don't. But they all agree that if it wasn't requested, or from someone you know - it's skeevy.

So what are guys thinking? What are they trying to accomplish?

The Quiet Man: Part I

So, like I said - I got online and met a couple of guys. Last week, I told you about Pepe. Today, let me introduce you to Sean.

SN: That's not his real name; I named him after the John Wayne character in The Quiet Man - a movie I find dull, lifeless and which almost always puts me to sleep.

Sean seemed really nice - at first. Not too long after we started chatting, I realized we might be on different pages. Sean has no hobbies - none. Or, if he does, he doesn't talk about them. He reads and watches movies - and he felt we were a match made in heaven because, not only do I do those same things - we like the same movies and books.

Thing is - I can get along with anyone's book and/or movie interests. It doesn't really ignite a spark, if you know what I mean.

To make matters worse, Sean came on very strong. "Are you home yet?" became a routine offline message waiting for me when I signed in to check email. Did I mention we only chatted for a week?! The second night we chatted, I asked how long he'd been doing the online thing. He said a long time, then added, "But maybe we can both get off the site soon!" Really?!

Texting was worse. The day before our date, he texted me at 8:30 in the morning. (SN: Never do that.) Lucky for him, I was already awake. A few hours later, he says, "You're quiet today." Um, helllloooo....we're not together! And I'm shopping!

I already sort of knew this wouldn't work, but had promised to meet him for dinner, so I did. It did not go well. So, I hoped after the date, he'd just fade away.

Or not. Apparently, we were on completely different dates, because about an hour after I got home, I got a text that read, "I had a good time."

Awesome. Now what?

Stirring the pot

Continued from here...

So, I got a little nervous, a little uncertain about whether TG liked me, so what did I do? I started contacting other guys online. Sure, TG - don't email me back. I'll show you. Get online, huh? Two can play at that game.

Next time, I'll take to twitter. Or email. Or texting. Or smoke signals to my girlfriends. Anything to keep me from this nonsense.

Now, let me point out - any other time, I wouldn't even be able to find anyone to email, much less get responses. This time? Two new guys. Both seem very nice. Both wanting to go out on dates. By the time TG emailed me back? I'd already set up a coffee date with one guy, and a tentative movie/dinner date with the other for the following week.

More on that later....


It's frustrating. I grow up, I learn about myself, and I change. I become more sure of myself - and it's still so easy for someone, even without knowing, to challenge my self-confidence. Before I know it, I'm doing something totally silly, self-defeating and pointless - just to prove a point to myself.

I suppose the challenge is always going to be to recognize when I'm about to do something like that - and to teach myself to stop. I guess if I can do that, I'm still learning - which means it's not a total waste.

What about you? What challenges your self-confidence? What makes you do things, even when you know you shouldn't?

Broken rules

After 28 Year Old, I did promise myself that I would be more flexible on the whole issue of age. After all - he was a super-nice guy, and if I'd stuck to my "no younger guys" rule, I never would have known.

So, the other night I got a message from a guy online. It was actually a missed IM, and it said, "You look lovely." That was it, nothing more. That's an awfully nice thing to say, so I checked out his profile. He was good-looking, his profile was well-written. He's into art, movies, live music, antiquing; he lists writer/artist as his profession and says he likes to travel. Sold!! Except...

He's 18 years older than me.


That's a whole lotta years. He could be my father. In fact, he's older than my best friend's step-father - and she's the same age as me!

But, I promised myself I wouldn't let age be the deciding factor anymore. Besides, worst case scenario, this would be a great blog story and make you guys laugh, right? The stuff I'll do in the name of a good blog post.
So, when he opened up another chat, I responded. He started out very nice, saying he really liked my profile, and that he thought we had some things in common. Then he said he hoped I didn't mind, but he likes to be very open.

Now - I'm a pretty open person. There's not a lot I won't discuss, and there's not a lot that offends me. However, I've made it pretty clear in my profile that I am looking for a relationship, and any relationship needs to build over time. I am of the opinion that you build a friendship and a rapport first - and then, if it clicks, you start with the personal stuff.

Apparently, this guy feels differently. About ten minutes in, Mr. I'm Refined and Cultured and Sophisticated wanted to discuss what he likes to do in bed. More specifically - what he'd like me to do to him.

Seriously? This was happening?

Thankfully, I have a sense of humor. If I hadn't been able to laugh - I think I might have cried.

I'm okay with a lot of things, and I'm willing to overlook a lot, too. But I'm not okay with being disrespected, or with a man who tries to excuse his poor behavior by calling it "upfront" and "honest." I'm also not okay with someone who repeatedly returns to a topic of conversation, even after I've asked him to let it go.

There are some rules I just won't bend.

No-dating zone

Currently, I have a couple of "interests." One is a guy I met online who seems alarmingly normal, and therefore we won't be talking about him. Yet.

The other is a fun story. Let me go back to the beginning.

I was in college; freshman year. There was an upperclassman a bunch of my friends thought was just wonderful. I met him at some party/bar thing, and promptly developed a crush that lasted...well...until my next crush. (What? I was 18!)

A couple of years ago, I was at a birthday party my cousin was throwing for her husband. We all went to the same college; and they'd invited a couple of friends of theirs, also from college. The friends showed up with their cute-as-can-be baby girl. The guy looked familiar; I assumed it was just a vague college connection.

Think I connect those dots? If you do then you clearly don't read this blog regularly. Stick with me, I'm almost there. 

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I connect with another guy from college on twitter. I start following his blog, where he regularly has friends contribute. Who shows up as a guest blogger? My crush from freshman year!

I followed him on twitter; he friended me on facebook. As I often do when I add a new friend, I checked out his profile (I like to see who I know that also knows other people I know - ya know?). Who shows up as a mutual friend? My cousin (the one who had the birthday party).

Yes, she knows him well from college. Yes, he is single - having broken up with the girlfriend he was with the night I met them at the birthday party. (Note to self: I really need to be more observant.) I decide this makes him officially undateable and forget the whole thing.

Then the other night - he opens a facebook chat and we start talking. For like two hours. About work, people, music, etc. He mentions he saw one of my online dating profiles, and we start chatting about being single and dating horror stories.

The next day my cousin announces that he is, in fact, dateable. The friend broke up with him, she and I aren't close anyway, etc.

So what do you think, readers? Dateable? Or am I in a no-dating zone?