Biggest challenge of all

It sure has been a while....

Quite a while back, after Trooper* and I broke up, a friend asked what I would do with this blog if I found a relationship. My thought was that if I ever did find one, I would use this blog to talk about how one transitions her life from single to couple.

There are a ton of hiccups, obstacles, milestones, and funny moments that make up a couple's journey

from the first date to debating toothpaste, and a bunch more after. I figured they would make for an endless supply of blog fodder.

The truth is, they do. I'm just not paying as close attention, and I'm letting good posts slip right on by.

I suck at relationships. Not because I'm not able to be faithful, but because I'm especially bad at looking out for myself. I look out for the other person first, sometimes at my own expense. I am more concerned with what he wants and needs, and I tend to put my own wants and needs on the back-burner. It's a problem, not only because we all have to look out for ourselves, but also because if I'm not paying attention to what I want - how can he?

Not only do I put myself on the back-burner - I tend to make myself responsible for his happiness as well. I let myself take on the burden of planning, worrying, researching... and for being the bad guy. In my mind, if there's conflict, somehow it's my fault.

That all leads to a lot of anxiety, a little depression, and that means even the best blog posts get away from me. It also is why I think I'm bad at relationships.

It's been over two years since Toyfriend and I met, and almost two years that we've been dating. It's been the most exciting, happy, fun, joy and laughter-filled time in my life.

So why can't I just be confident and enjoy how it feels, and not worry about where it's going (or not going)? I tell myself every day that's how I should be. I tell myself everyday I need to focus on the good, remember he loves me, and remind myself of all the wonderful times we've had and the future plans we've made. I tell myself that is enough...

..and it is. More than enough, actually.

But in the back of my mind, there is this little voice that always tells me that while it may be enough and he may be enough, I never will be. At the end of the day, I am right back where I started, feeling like any minute Toyfriend will figure out he could do so much better, and he will be out the door.

I can navigate all the toothpaste debates, remote control quarrels, and even family scheduling. But my own anxiety and self-doubt... that's proven to be the biggest challenge of all.


*Remember him? He's doing well. He's got a great girlfriend and a good job, and seems really happy. 

Daily fight

Have you ever noticed that we ladies seem to worry in relationships a lot more than the guys do? I used to take this as a sign that the guy (at the time, it was X) didn't care as much as I did. I mean, worrying is sign of love, right? Right?!

I have learned that might not be totally accurate.

First - people care in different ways. Not everyone is wired to worry. It certainly doesn't mean that the relationship isn't important, or that they are not invested. Honestly, just because you don't notice the worry doesn't even mean it isn't there - some people are just calm, even-tempered, and don't show concern.

Second - worry (especially my sort of worry) isn't always rational or healthy. It has more to do with my own past and my own need to control things than it does my feelings for my person. It may feel like it's because I love him - which I do - but the worry is not a sign of that love.

I have come to realize that my anxiety and insecurity play tricks with my head and heart. They convince me I have a reason to be scared. They make me believe I am about to lose something or someone, or am about to be left behind. They tell me I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not thin enough. Over and over, they repeat, "You're not enough," until I finally believe.

I'm learning to fight back. I'm learning to coach myself; to remember all the ways I am good enough - even better than good enough in a lot of ways.

It's not easy. It's a fight every single day. Combating negative thoughts with positive reminders takes a lot of energy. Sometimes all the energy I have. But it's worth it; the alternative is to give up the thing that is the most important to me.

I learned as a little kid I wasn't worthy of being loved. The lesson was reinforced as a young adult when I started dating. As I got older, and even when I was married, I didn't realize that those lessons had settled in my brain and taken up permanent residence. I thought I was over it after my divorce - but then I realized I wasn't.

I knew getting back into a relationship would bring back all the insecurities and worry. I also knew the only way to avoid them was to avoid the relationship. Which means the anxiety and insecurities win. That is unacceptable.

So I fight. So far, I'm winning.

A peaceful present

So, it's been a while... I'm sorry about the absence. Between a promotion at work (Go me!), holidays, Toyfriend, family, volunteer stuff - time just got away. Before I knew it, we were turning the page on 2015. Happy New Year!

When we last chatted, I was dealing with some anxiety. I'd actually gotten a pretty good handle on it by the end of the year. I started journaling again, and spent a lot of time working on dealing with the present, rather than worrying about what might happen in the future. I also started coloring - I highly recommend that as a stress-reducing hobby that has the benefit of being fun and portable.

But that's the trouble with anxiety - it's irrational, unpredictable, and comes and goes as it pleases. This was a huge problem for me before I knew what anxiety was, how it behaves, and its effect on me. Part of learning to manage my worries is learning their causes, how to identify if they are really as bad as they seem or if they are being exaggerated by my anxiety, and most importantly, what calms them down.

Recently, I've noticed a little worry creeping back in. At first I couldn't figure out what my problem was. It started as an innocent conversation about something going on with someone in Toyfriend's family. It had nothing to do with me, him, or us. Zero. But somehow, it morphed into a conversation about our relationship, where it's headed (Spoiler Alert: Nowhere fast.), and what we both want.

Let me be clear: Toyfriend and I are on the same page. We're both happy with the way things are and in no rush to change anything. It's super-important for me to say that because I was losing site of it fast, and I need the reminder.

While we were talking, Toyfriend said he has "no interest" in taking the next step. Given that we are together 5-6 nights a week and most of the weekend, have keys to each other's homes, keep toiletries and clothes at each, have met family and friends, and are planning a big vacation, we agreed the "next step" would be living together.

The truth is, I'm not interested in moving in together any time soon, either... but I would like to know that the option might be available in the future. Toyfriend's "no interest" sounded like a formal declaration that he will never want more than what we have right now. Even though I'm happy in this moment, thinking the door had just been slammed on anything more scared the hell out of me.

Is this a dead end? Does he want an exit strategy? Does he love me as much as I love him? Am I settling? Am I giving up too much? These thoughts started swirling through my head fast and furious - and it was overwhelming.

When I came up for air, we talked a little more. Toyfriend isn't slamming the door - but he is also not ready to open it just yet. He can't say for sure if he ever will be. He did say he "can't see us being in this place forever."

When I thought about it, I remembered that I need to focus on the present. We're both happy, on the same page, and able to talk things through. Toyfriend doesn't shut me out, nor does he shut me down. He listens to my worries, no matter how irrational they may seem. He never judges me or minimizes my feelings.

I also remembered that this is what it means to focus on the present and not the future. Neither of us can predict what will happen, nor should we rush into something before the time is right for us both.

I can't guarantee that I will never feel like I need that next step... and I can't guarantee that I will. Toyfriend is the same boat. He may never want to take the next step - or maybe he will.

I can't force it or try to change him. I can't rush into something just to "lock him in." It would be foolish to judge the relationship based on something that may or may not happen, when it's something neither of us even wants right now.

All I can do is check in with myself, focus on what I want in the present, and make sure my needs are met. I can check in with him and make sure we're on the same page. Mostly, I can enjoy the happy, healthy, honest relationship I'm in - and be grateful for every day I get to be this happy.

What I need to remember

I've been battling some insecurities this week. I'm feeling pretty inadequate, and I have found myself looking for problems. Honestly, I think it has more to do with work stuff, and I'm letting it spill over into my relationship. I have found myself looking to be unhappy, or for reasons to be disappointed or annoyed with Toyfriend.

It wasn't hard to find: He spent most of his Saturday with other friends (both women) - one hiking, one out for her birthday.

I was bummed. We usually spend Saturdays together. I felt a little left out, and honestly a little inadequate that his one friend can handle a hike like they did, and I can't. But I also know that staying connected to his friends is important to Toyfriend, and it was out of his control that the chance to spend time with these friends fell on the same day.

I also realized something else. Part of the reason Toyfriend wanted to get together with the one lady is he really wants to be a good friend. He wants to be there, particularly for those who he knows don't have anyone else.

The truth is, I like that about Toyfriend. I like that he cares about other people and is willing to put himself out. I also like that he knows himself well enough to know that he doesn't want to turn his back on his friends. If I stand in the way or try to change that, I risk changing something about him that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Which seems counterproductive to the whole happy, healthy relationship thing.

But I was so convinced I should be insulted, I found myself feeling frustrated. Was something wrong with me, that I wasn't upset? Am I just accepting too much because I want to keep him around?

Then I noticed that he felt as bad - if not worse - about missing out on our time together. It meant a lot to him that I understand why he wants to be a good friend, that these women are just friends, and that I was able to talk with him about things that were bothering me. He was happy that I spent what time I could with him over the weekend. He made an effort to spend as much time as he could with me, too.

It was then that I remembered some of the things I've written about Toyfriend that I need to keep in mind.

"I'm also really very lucky to be in this with someone who takes the time to understand where I am coming from, and who will meet me halfway."

Toyfriend is a good guy. He's honest, trustworthy, and he loves me (he's also handsome, nice, smart, funny, and super-fun, but that's a different post). He happens to have female friends because he relates well to women. But he recognizes it can be an issue, and he's open and honest with me, which helps put me at ease and reminds me that I don't need to worry.

That's what I need to remember most.

For those wondering, he does have male friends and does spend time with them. I write about the female friends because I'm talking about my own anxiety and insecurity, and the female friends affect that more.

The just friends line

Can men and women be friends? Harry Burns says no. He says eventually, one (or both) of them will become attracted to the other, and sex will ruin the friendship.

I believe something a little different. I think men and women can be friends... if the sex issue has been resolved. How so? Either they've already been there, done that, and know it won't work - or they mutually friend-zoned each other from the very beginning.

There's a fine line that separates a truly platonic friendship from a budding relationship. That line is different for everyone, and it changes depending on the friends' own relationship status. For example, as a single woman I might have invited a guy friend to be my platonic date at a wedding - but only if he was also single. The way I see it, even if I know that we are just friends, it is disrespectful to the woman in his life to invite him on what seems like a date - whether it is or not.

I suppose I feel strongly about this because of what I went through at the end of my marriage. An emotional affair contributed to our problems, and I would never want to risk doing the same to someone else.

If I'm with a guy, I'm also overly sensitive about women who want to be his friend. I think there's a difference between a woman who genuinely wants to nurture a platonic friendship, and a woman who has more in mind. I think it's pretty easy to tell one from the other - especially for me. This is one time when I would never ignore my gut - it knows best.

Sorting through this baggage has been tough, since Toyfriend is a guy who has mostly female friends. Of course I trust him, but it is tough to explain that I still do not trust some women. It's also tough to explain how something that seems like a trust issue isn't all about trust. Sometimes it's about feeling left out, or insecure.

One thing I have learned since my divorce, and through several failed relationship attempts, is that it's important to communicate those feelings clearly and fairly, without blame or accusations or jumping to conclusions.

The truth is, being open and honest seems to eliminate (or at least mitigate) most problems that come up in a relationship. I have found that, with the right guy, I am better able to navigate this issue.

Toyfriend is a wonderful, honest, trustworthy guy who is a good friend - and his friends happen to be women. In 99% of those cases, there's no issue, and I just need to work through my own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. In the other 1%, I share my feelings and trust Toyfriend to make my feelings a priority.

I know some people think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. I suppose I "put up" with stuff that many wouldn't. It isn't easy; I struggle with insecurity and worry, and of course I'm scared someone will come along he likes better. But at the end of the day, I remember that can happen any time, any place. If it's meant to work out, it will. If he's meant to meet someone else, he will - no matter what I do.

Surprisingly, there is a ton of comfort in realizing I have absolutely no control. In realizing that, if I'm with the right person, that fine line almost doesn't need to exist.