No one can predict true love

Did you know OK Cupid has a blog? I had forgotten, but that's probably because they just published the first new post in three years. No wonder they sent a blast email to announce! The post details some "experiments" the popular dating site has done on users, concerning the importance of photos versus profile text, match score, etc. Interesting stuff, actually.

" I’m the first to admit it: we might be popular, we might create a lot of great relationships, we might blah blah blah. But OkCupid doesn’t really know what it’s doing. Neither does any other website."

No kidding. Most of us have known this for a while. Well, except for that one guy who, despite me pointing out some glaring differences between us, insisted that "an 87% match is nothing to ignore."

Yes it is - and that blog post proves it.

"The ultimate question at OkCupid is, does this thing even work? By all our internal measures, the “match percentage” we calculate for users is very good at predicting relationships."

I would agree. OKCupid said I was 90% matched with Trooper, and 98% matched with Big. While neither relationship lasted, each was successful in its own way.

OKCupid uses a series of questions to match users. Some are personality questions, some seem like IQ questions. Of course some are sex questions.

If a user doesn't answer any, I still find we are at least a 10% match. I can only assume that represents the fact that we match in some basic ways (he's a guy who dates women, he is the right age, and lives in the right area).

If users do decide to tackle the questions, it isn't enough to respond. To "improve match accuracy" users also need to indicate which answers they consider acceptable, and assign a level of importance to the question. Of course, answers depend an awful lot on each person's interpretation. So while you might not "match" on a particular question, if you took the time to discuss the issue, you might find you actually agree.

Like everything else on dating sites, I've found match scores need to be taken with the proverbial grain of salt. Sites may be good at predicting the success of initial conversations, or how those first dates will go, but no one can predict chemistry or real attraction.

No one can predict true love.

Never send money to strangers

It should go without saying that it's not advisable to send strangers money. Unless, of course, you can afford to lose it and are planning to consider it a donation.

It seems one New York man did not get the memo, and sent nearly $70,000 - $70,000! - to a scammer in a series of transactions.

Apparently, "OKCupid's reputation made him feel safe, and he trusted the profile of a man he met in February 2013." (New York Daily News)

He is suing OKCupid for $70,000, for not warning users that scams like this could happen.

Like I said to Baking Suit (thanks for sending the link) - I suppose I'm lucky that I am too poor to be a desirable target for these scams.

As adults, it should go without saying that sending money to strangers is a mistake. Sadly, though, these scammers are good. So good, they know how to find people who not only have the money, but are also lonely and trusting enough to believe that "talking on the phone one month in" is a whirlwind romance.

Let's be clear: It is not.

But OKCupid doesn't entirely agree with me, on the "it should go without saying" part, anyway. If you visit the full site (not the mobile site or app) and navigate to the legal page (menu at the bottom of the screen) they do warn users to be careful about sharing personal information (example: sure, I have $70k), and that the site has not conducted background checks. Which, incidentally you should realize, since your background was not checked.

They do not specifically warn against this particular type of scam. I suspect we'll see an update to the warning, and probably a message to all users with that warning soon enough.

File this under the heading "expensive lesson learned."

Love and math

Last week, I came across this Buzzfeed article about Chis McKinlay, a doctoral candidate who did his dissertation on a data harvesting and statistical experiment to help himself find a date on OKCupid. McKinlay used fake profiles to determine which profile questions to answer on the site's match questions, to increase his matches with women in his target profile. 

It worked for him - he ended up finding a future wife and wrote a book.

I read another article (that I can't for the life of me find now) that pointed out the flaw in this plan. Love doesn't work the way statistics work. The article compared the predictability of individual responses to questions to flipping a coin. No matter how many times you flip a coin, the odds of head vs tails is still 50/50. The results don't get easier to predict based on history. 

It's the same way with dating. You can't predict how two people will interact based on their responses to canned questions. Romance is about personalities and connections, not statistics. 

The biggest mistake people make when it comes to online dating is assuming that everyone is looking for true love. Of course, there are plenty of people on dating sites who are looking for a relationship - but they join the site hoping to meet people. After all, you have to meet new people if you're going to find that one true love.

It's true that every date has just as much chance of going bad as the date before. It's also true that if you never go on any first dates, you'll never go on your last first date. Some people come by dates easily in person - they have a wide circle of single friends, and a reason to network in person. 

Others use online dating sites to increase their chances of going on a first date that will actually lead to a second. This guy didn't hack his way into true love - but he did use statistics as a way to increase his number of dates and ultimately get a date with that person.

Love may not be a numbers game - but dating is. 

An objective opinion...continued

Continued from here...

So when he reached out to me on Skout, it was with a wink. Those are very impersonal, and on this site, can even be done at random, so you don't even pick who you're winking at - the app picks for you.

I replied to him saying I assumed he didn't intend that message for me, since if he really wanted to get in touch with me, he could just call.

(In retrospect, I know I should have just ignored him. It felt weird doing that with someone I know, and also - I wanted to know what he was thinking.)

He insisted he had meant to reach out to me, and that he hadn't called because he lost my number. Honestly - that felt like a lie. I mean, I know phone numbers can be lost sometimes - but in the middle of a conversation? There are many ways to retrieve a phone number if you really want it, which he obviously didn't. I'm OK with the fact that he wasn't all that into me way back when...but I dislike feeling lied to.

But - I wasn't going to call the guy a liar (when I can't prove it) so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and gave him my phone number (because he asked). I truly thought he "winked" at me without recognizing me and once he realized who I was, he felt like he had to back-peddle. I figured he'd get the number, make the connection, and the whole thing would be over.

But it wasn't.

We traded voicemails for a few days, and finally connected by phone the other night. I told him how things had gone down (from my perspective). He said I sounded resentful. I said no, that was just how I saw things. I explained that the way he'd dismissed me and rushed me out made me feel disrespected, and like he wasn't all that interested. I also said I was willing to admit that maybe I was being overly sensitive - but that it seemed to me that if he was just being him, and my feelings still got hurt, then maybe my feelings and his personality are not a good fit.

I was trying to meet him halfway. I guess I expected that he would do the same. Even something as simple as an, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," would have been great. But - nothing.

Instead, he blamed me. He said I was "buggin'" to even be thinking that way, and that I was over-thinking. He said he had given me as much quality time as he could, and he actually believed that it was a big deal he'd spent as much time with me as he had.

To be clear, I didn't raise my voice, or swear, or call him names, or even say I thought he was lying. So, I thought it was unfair to say I was acting crazy, when really all I was doing was sharing how I felt.

It occurred to me that anyone who is genuinely interested in another person would meet her halfway. He wouldn't have just abandoned a conversation, or not made an effort to get back in touch. Like I said in the first post, there were other ways he could have reached out to me.

I think his actions back then, and his reaction on the phone, say all I need to know about this guy. He thought I was jumping to conclusions and being unfair.

I'm curious as to what you think?

An objective opinion

I hate to be wrong. But something I've learned over the last few years is, it's OK to be wrong now and then as long as you're willing to admit it, and learn.

 When I first logged into Skout locally, I noticed a familiar face right away. I looked at the profile to confirm it was him, and then I moved on.

See, we dated a few months back. When I say "dated" I mean we met for coffee once, and then twice I went over to his apartment with dinner, and we hung out. Both times he was very quick to rush me out, saying he needed to get to sleep. (The first time, I happen to know he logged into OKCupid as soon as I left.)

I tried to raise the rushing-out issue in person, but he was too busy rushing me out to listen. So when he texted me the next day, I mentioned I wanted to continue the conversation. He said sure...and then I never heard from him again. I asked him to call when he had time to talk...and then a couple days later I tried to get in touch with him. Nothing. Finally, I sent him a text and told him what I wanted. I asked him to call if he was interested in the same, and if not, no hard feelings.

Since I didn't hear from him, I took that to mean he wasn't interested in further discussion, so I moved on. He could have contacted me by phone, or on OKCupid, or later on Plenty of Fish, when he joined.

But he didn't. It wasn't until Skout that he reached out to me.

It's one of those situations where I wish I had a transcript of our entire exchange. I am second-guessing myself, and tempted to take all of the blame, even though I realize it can't possibly be all my fault.

It occurs to me what I really need are objective opinions offered by people who have no reason to lie.

That's where you, the internet, come in.

(It also occurs to me the NSA should offer transcripts like that for sale. I think the government is missing the boat on a huge revenue stream.)

To be continued....

And then I hid my OKCupid profile

I received this message on OKCupid:

Hi if you made me into your pantyhose what color pair would you make me into please and after you tell me what color I will fully explain what I am getting at and what this entails and it isn't about sex I promise. I want to make history to become your hybrid pantyhose a new breed of its kind. I would tell you the great benefits you will get from this they aren't bad at all. I want to become them only difference is I would be massaging hose that would be super cozy and to keep you warm when needed and keep your stress away. If you don't care for my idea I am willing to drop it totally and talk about something else.

...and then I hid my profile.

I also learned that this person (supposedly a local twenty-something man) sent this exact same message to another local thirty-something woman. And here I thought I was special...

EHarmony got the memo

I heard a radio ad for EHarmony recently, with ground-breaking insight into the minds of singles everywhere:

Not everyone wants to get married.

It seems the site, which has long prided itself on finding only lasting matches, may have finally realized that some people really do just want to date.

The ad went on to talk about how EHarmony can help you find people with similar interests with whom you can have fun.

"Think how happy your dating life will be when you can find quality people to date."

I wonder if Plenty of Fish and OKCupid (or even Match) felt that dig?

For what it's worth... I've used all these sites. I'd never go back to EHarmony. They have the same quality as everyone else.

A new feature on OKCupid

OKCupid has this new feature on their Android app that lets you view profile pictures of users and say whether you "like" them by swiping the picture to the side (a swipe to the right, you like them; to the left, you don't). The only details you see about the person are their age, status, and orientation (so - 43 / single / straight).

It's kinda like playing a card game - an excellent way to pass the time at work. But, it's also frivilous and shallow - since you're judging people on the basis of nothing more than their profile photo.

If I say I like someone, and that someone says he likes me, we both get an email telling us we like each other. That would be great - if I was meeting local people.

I was connected with one guy who lives about 5 hours from me by car, and another who lives 4 hours away. My most recent connection lives about 3,000 miles away. While I'm sure these men are all lovely people, and would be quality dates and maybe even a great long-term relationship - I wasn't kidding, OKCupid, when I said I'm interested in meeting people "near me." I'm looking for a date, maybe a relationship - I'm not trying to audition for my own reality TV series.

So, in addition to being shallow and frivilous - this feature is also basically useless.

Message me if...

One thing I try very hard to avoid on my dating profile(s) is listing my requirements for who I'd like to hear from, and who I wouldn't. I talk about myself, which hopefully gives some clue as to who I might like to meet. I talk about what it is I hope to find in a relationship, so that prospective dates know right off the bat if we want different things.

I just feel like, "don't message me if you're so-and-so" or "such-and-such need not apply" is negative and comes across harsh and judgmental. Plus - it won't work. If I say "stupid guys shouldn't message me," most "stupid" guys won't realize I'm talking about them, anyway, because they think they're smart. Meanwhile, the smart ones think I'm just rude. Where does that get me?

Do you see the problem?
Found it here

Anyhoo...I was trolling stalking visiting profiles the other day in search of a date blog material chance to meet a nice new person, and stumbled across a profile that - at first glance - seemed very promising.

(Which just goes to prove you should never judge a book by its cover.)

His profile detailed some of his favorite things (food, hobbies, etc) and ended with:

You should message me if:

You like to enjoy life, see new places, try new things and are not diagnosed or ar being treated for any mental disorders, have not had a recent breakup or divorce and have not spent the last 5 years continously on this site or others like it.

Thanks! Hope to hear from you!

As I understand it, he'd like to meet someone who is either in denial about any emotional problems, or has chosen to leave them untreated. Mental illness could be anything from paranoid schizophrenia to a panic attack once during college finals. Best not to take any chances.

Prince Charming here is 37 and never married, and would presumably prefer to find someone in a similar situation. That should be easy, since the world is just over-flowing with men and women in their late thirties with absolutely no relationship experience. As a bonus, these people are, of course, the absolute best candidates for the type of mature, committed relationship he says he'd like to find.

If you have been in a previous relationship, he'll consider responding - but only if it did not end too recently. Of course, if it ended a while ago, that means you may have been on this site for too long, which is also a problem. It's probably best if you broke up with someone a year ago, took a break from dating, and created your profile within the last week. If that's you, the line forms here ->.

Of course, you need to be open to new experiences - as long as those experiences don't include a willingness to meet new people (at least not online), or try relationships, or anything that might trigger the slightest bit of anxiety (which can be considered a "mental illness"). 

By the way, the "You should message me if..." portion of his profile (which is on Plenty of Fish) was probably stolen borrowed from OKCupid, where the profiles actually contain a section with that title. I wonder how long this guy has been online?

Smart, honest, and funny

I promised you a little bit more about one of my conversations from this weekend. I always try to keep my promises.

This guy messaged my on OKCupid. Of all the dating sites to which I belong, OKCupid is probably my least favorite. Not because of the site - I actually really like the way it works. It happens to appeal to a demographic that doesn't really want the same as I do. At least in my area, there just aren't a lot of options. 

But, a girl's gotta find blog material somewhere...and the site is free...so my profile stays. If it didn't, I wouldn't have gems like this to share. 

First of all - the guys name on OKCupid is normalwomenonly. Now - we know how I feel about guys who make a big deal about avoiding crazy women.

I noticed, and viewed his profile, mostly because OKCupid makes a big deal about telling you every single time someone views your profile (when you're signed in). 

Right away, he sent me a message:

just checked you out as u know because i seen u check me out while i checked u out lol very nice

It took me a minute to figure out that he was laughing at the fact that we looked at each other's profiles at the same time.

My response was:

So you prefer normal women, huh?

What he said was priceless:

well im smart enough to know thats an oxymoron and it really doesn't exist. I just want someone on the lower end of the crazy spectrum

Good grief. Later on, he asked what I look for in a man. My response was:

 Smart, honest, funny. Those are the big things.

Mr. Smarty-Pants said:

well i definately got all those covered

When I pointed out he thinks all women are crazy, he said:

lol i think all humans in general are crazy in there own way we all have flaws. I guess its just peoples quirks. I think i just find the crazy ones lol

My head hurt then, so I said goodnight and went to bed.  

Weird questions from OKCupid

If you have, or have ever seen, an OKCupid profile, you're aware that users have the option to answer profile questions. These are a seemingly endless list of personality questions addressing everything from politics to sex to body hair.

Supposedly, your answers - along with the importance you put on the answers of others - help OKCupid find matches for you. The more questions you answer, the better matches you'll find.

I'm absolutely convinced that personality tests and profiles can be dead-on when looking for a good match - on paper. Of course that doesn't always translate to a real connection - but this site has successfully "matched" me with guys in the past. We dated (in some cases, it lasted a while) and have remained friends. So there's something to it.

Of course, in the case of OKCupid, that also requires that everyone answers the questions - and that they do so honestly. So while I don't put too much stock in the match percentages shown (I will talk to a guy who only has a 60% match, because you never really know), I do sometimes find the questions helpful.

For example, a guy might seem like a great match for me - but if he's answered questions saying he thinks homosexuality is a sin, or he believes the man should always be the head of the household, I know to back away. Quickly.

I've had an OKCupid profile for almost three years, and I'm sure I've answered hundreds of questions. I have seen (and answered) the ten listed in this Mashable article (which I found via Baking Suit).
The article suggests the questions are "user-generated." I was under the impression that they are generated by the site - but perhaps there is a mixture? I can't seem to find anything to confirm either way.

The questions aren't mandatory. You can opt to answer none, or skip questions you don't like. You have the option of answering privately, so that only OKCupid knows your answer (for use in its algorithm magic). Usually you do have to answer a question publicly if you want to see another person's response. 

I think the Mashable artical is hysterical - but the idea that people use these questions to "find a lover who showers once a month, eats garbage, likes tortured animals, and finds the threat of nuclear war exciting" is probably a little off. I mean - I suppose there might be some people out there looking for someone to join them in their bomb shelter for a nice compost dinner- but I suspect they are few and far between.

I have answered hundreds of the OKCupid questions - mostly to see the responses of others. I also like to be able to indicate what answers are unacceptable to me (an example would be questions on same sex marriage). Plus - answering the questions is a great way to kill time at work.

For the record, if STALE equals 89475, then STEAL equals 89547 - but if you answered 89754, you're in luck! Ms. Attkisson thinks you're smart and might go on a date with you. I probably won't, though.