Faith is bigger than fear

So....

Remember when I said I've met someone and it's gotten serious and I'm still trying to catch my breath?

Here's the funny thing. It's Hiker.

Yes, I know what I said. We're in different places and want different things. We don't have a ton in common. I don't want to be the "you'll do for now" woman.

The thing is, we kept spending time together. We were just friends - he talked to me about the women he was seeing, I talked to him a bit about the guy I was seeing. We had fun, we laughed, always had something to chat about. It was great.

Then I started to notice something funny was happening. When I made plans for my weekend, I always wanted to make sure I saw him. If I was looking to invite someone out, he was my first thought. I looked forward to his number coming up on my phone. The most telling thing was when I found myself feeling jealous when he talked about his dates.

I was falling for Hiker (who, by the way, would like me to refer to him as "Toyfriend" going forward).

I knew all the aforementioned issues were still a challenge, and a part of me thought I should stay away. But another part of me started to realize that this was someone who makes me happy. Truly happy - which was something I haven't felt in a very long time.

I decided happiness was worth the risk, and even if I get hurt, it would be worse to wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. I finally thought that maybe I needed to stop worrying about all the reasons it wouldn't work, and focus on the reason it could: We make each other happy.

One night, after a great non-date, Toyfriend and I had a very long conversation about all the reasons we shouldn't date.

Then I kissed him. (Way to stand your ground, GGS.)

We have seen each other almost every day since. Turns out, Toyfriend was open to more with me than he was with those other women. He wasn't avoiding a relationship, he just wasn't with the right person.

I think Toyfriend will be around for a while (so I guess I need to get used to that name).

Leap of faith

"If nothing changes - nothing changes."

 

Turtle says that all the time. Baking Suit pointed out that even though he has a tendency to be a "big dummy head" sometimes, Turtle is definitely spot on about change. You can not expect things to change in your life if you're not willing to change some things in your life.

 

(For the record, I don't think Baking Suit really thinks Turtle is a dummy - I think she just questions how smart he can really be if he doesn't quite realize how lucky he is to have me. She's awesome that way.)

 

It occurs to me that while I let go of control and expectations, I might also need to let go of some bad habits. I've met a lot of men. Some have been nice, some have been not so nice, and some have been downright awful. The one thing they all have in common is I met them online.

 

I have embraced online dating determined to find excitement and romance and ultimately, love. I have used online dating sites to search for the love of my life, but have succeeded only in finding new friends, casual sex partners, blog material, the occasional distraction, ego boosts, and sometimes a cure for boredom and/or loneliness. It's so easy to sign in and find new men when I am lonely or sad or vulnerable. 
 

Obviously, I have met some great guys - Trooper, Engineer, Big, Sparrow - even Turtle. I truly believe in my heart that he could be the one for me. However, since things have not gone my way, I have found that I continue to use my profiles as a distraction - meeting more wrong people at the wrong time. Even with hidden profiles, I still go searching out guys, and sometimes contacting them. I even had a couple coffee dates - all while I wasn't really interested.

 

Online dating has become a game for me, more about how many people I could meet, and less about finding the right person. It's also become a bad habit - one that needs to be broken.

 

So, it's time to make a change. It's time to let go.

 

As of this morning, I have permanently deleted all of my online dating profiles (for the record, I still had them on Match, OK Cupid, and Plenty of Fish).

 

Does this mean I'm giving up? Absolutely not. In fact, quite the opposite. I have been talking for months about wanting to walk in faith; about handing my heart over to God and letting Him bring the right man into my life at the right time.

 

I finally realized the other day that sometimes true faith requires a bold step. Nothing was ever going to change until I finally found the courage to walk away from the thing that was cluttering my life with all the wrong guys, and make room for God to work.

 

Is Turtle the right man? Only time will tell. But I believe if he isn't, God will bring the right man at the right time - and this time, I will be ready.

Lessons in letting go

The last twelve months have been exhausting. I had so much going on (new job, new home), dating really wasn't a priority. Then a guy I already knew showed himself back into my life. I let him really get the best of me, and I reacted by making some horrible, terrible, just plain awful choices.

(I never shared much detail on those choices; some things are better left locked in a vault - know what I mean?)

That went on for about a month, culminating in a, "What the &%@# am I doing?!" moment, after which I immediately gave up on all that nonsense.

Then I met Turtle. Things started off slow...then picked up a bit....then got weird. Turtle is not ready for a relationship, but he is still in my life. We do not hang out as often as we once did, but we still talk just about everyday and we do see each other pretty regularly.

I am still trying not to set expectations. I am trying to just put a pin in my feelings, enjoy the time I spend with him, and let things evolve into whatever it is we are meant to be. I have, for the first time ever, tried to approach dating with patience and understanding and compromise; without an agenda, or pushing.

I suck at it.

(To be fair, though - I am improving.)

If nothing else, I have learned a lot about myself.

I learned that I have spent the last few years (since Trooper) with my heart closed off and a big wall built up to keep people from getting all the way in. I thought I was being laid back when it came to dating - but really, I was just not allowing those emotions to show. The trouble with walls is that while they are a great way to keep out the pain and the tears - they also block your blessings.

The truth is, while I am laid back about a lot of things in life, when I really care about someone, I can get anxious and worried and frustrated pretty easily. I can say that I'm OK with taking things slow, but the truth is, I do have a pace in mind. When things don't go at that pace, I can get insecure and freak out a little.

Why do I react that way? What has me so scared? All of the major relationships in my life (right back to my mom when I was a baby) have resulted in me being left behind. It's the one thing that completely knocks me off my game. To cope, I try to put things in a certain order - what I want, when I want - to calm my fears and convince my mind that he (whoever "he" is at the time) won't leave.

That was pretty easy to figure out. What wasn't easy was trying to figure out how to go about changing a reaction and a behavior that is forty years in the making. I mean - I know better. In a million years I never expected that X would leave - but he did. That taught me it doesn't matter what order things are in, or how much control you think you have. But knowing better and behaving better are two completely different things.

(Ironically, it was a long conversation with X that really helped me start to realize what I needed to do.)

I needed to learn that it wasn't about having better control of things - it was about learning to let go of the illusion that I have any control at all. Things happen. Life happens. It can't be predicted. We don't know where we're headed from one moment to the next. Every day, every hour, every minute we're faced with choices. There's no way to predict where those choices will lead - and that's OK. That's the way life is meant to be. If we all knew the future, there'd be no surprises, no lessons. No hope.

Life isn't meant to be controlled or predicted - it is meant to be lived. Enjoy time with people when you can; maybe they won't be here tomorrow. Learn lessons. Allow yourself to be sad. Sit in the quiet now and then and listen to your heart. If you're so inclined, listen to God and what He wants for your life. Focus on what you know you want, and keep making choices that will get you there. Keep moving until you run out of options.

I have thought many times that Turtle may have come into my life as a way to teach me how to know when it's time to let go. This thing with him is not perfect, or easy. I'm not always happy....there's a million reasons to leave, and I owe him nothing. I know I don't have to stay.

I have sat in quiet, in tears, and prayed to God on what is best for me. I have handed Him my problems and fears, and asked that He fix them, because I surely can't. I have accepted that God works at His pace, not mine, and I might be waiting a while.

I do think I am meant to let go - but not of a relationship. The God to Whom I pray loves me and wants nothing but the best for me. He would not look to punish me or make me sad. He wouldn't drag someone into my life to teach me a lesson I learned long ago. I am an expert at walking away before I give things a chance. I know all too well what it means to take charge and try to control the outcome.

My God would look to prepare me - and I do realize that while Turtle is here to bring the lessons, they may not be about him. Only time will tell for sure.

I am learning how to let go of the illusion that I control when, or how, things happen. I am learning to let go of the idea that life, or love, needs to look a certain way in order for it to be true. I am learning patience and understanding and how to accept someone, faults and all, and learn to build him up rather than look for reasons to walk away. I am learning that it isn't all about me, and that sometimes, I can't have exactly what I want, when I want - and that's OK.

It turns out I don't always know best, anyway.

God's match for you

On Sunday I watched the first installment of The Bible on the History Channel. Meh. The show was OK - but it was one commercial that really caught my eye.

You can probably imagine that most of the advertising was geared towards Christians. Christian Mingle seemed to be a pretty big sponsor. I saw at least one, sometimes more, advertisements for the popular dating site during each commercial break.

Though I consider myself a Christian, I've never considered joining this particular site. Being Christian is a (relatively small, new) part of who I am; it doesn't define me. I get the impression that this site is geared towards people for whom Christian faith is very important, and a cornerstone of the relationship they want to find. I think I'd be out of my element.

I do think that dating takes a certain amount of faith and hope (and the occasional willingness to set aside trivial things like dignity and rational thought). Although I do sometimes push a dating agenda, I have said before, and firmly believe that God has a plan. No matter how much I push, the right relationship will happen in His time, not mine.

I believe Christians would feel the same. Putting your life in God's hands, trusting His plan, faith, etc. are things I learned in a Christian church.

Which was in line with the theme of most of Christian Mingle's message - join the site to find "God's match for you." The commercials showed a few happy couples, and quick interviews about how the site helped them find each other.

More than one happy couple said,

"I don't see how we would have met if it hadn't been for Christian Mingle."

Wait a minute....

You're saying that this person you met is "God's match." In other words, of all the people in all the world, this is the person God intended for you to meet. God - creator of all living creatures, the land, the sea, the sun, time - life itself. You're saying that He wouldn't have been able to figure out a way to get you and yours together if it hadn't been for a website?!

I agree God has a match for you; and I agree that you might need to help the meeting along a little, and online dating is one way.

But I think if God wanted me to meet someone, He doesn't need the internet's help to make it happen.

Point made

I was raised to believe everything was my fault, and I was always guilty for something. That's not a criticism of my family or a complaint; it's a cultural, religious, and generational thing. It also shouldn't have been a big deal, because I should have just let it go once I grew up.

Instead, somehow I managed to transfer those childhood feelings to adulthood - and place them smack in the middle of every relationship I have. Not just dating, either - I'm talking every relationship. When there's a problem, my first reaction is always that it's my fault. Then I apologize and I try to fix whatever is wrong.

Every. Single. Time.

But, in the last few years, I've started to realize that thinking isn't really doing me any favors. The truth is - I'm not always wrong (I'm not always right, either, but that's a different blog). Sometimes, stuff goes wrong and it's on the other person. Other times, stuff goes wrong and no one is to blame.

I read somewhere (probably Facebook) that we teach others how to treat us. I had to read the quote a few times before it finally started to sink in.

By always taking the blame, I'm teaching others that it's OK to blame me for everything. By always apologizing, I'm teaching others it's OK to treat me as though I'm always wrong.

I figure that probably needs to stop.

I'm not looking to convince anyone I'm always right, and we should do everything my way. I'm just looking to show people (read: Guys) that I might be right, that sometimes I do have a point, and they should listen and respect my opinions and feelings. I want them to treat me well; the way I deserve to be treated.

The thing I'm wondering...if someone makes a mistake and treats me poorly, is it enough to tell him (emphatically, categorically, and specifically) what is and is not acceptable? Or do I have to actually walk away from that person, in order to drive home the lesson?

I'm not looking to get hurt. I'm not looking to be anyone's doormat. I'm also not looking to walk away from something that actually might have potential, just to make a point.

In the end, it may not matter (too soon to tell). But in the mean time, I'm wondering...how do I teach others how to treat me?

It's raining

In many ways, my life is cyclical. Either there's nothing going on - or everything is happening all at once.

Some might guess this is because my astrological sign is Cancer, which is ruled by the moon, which of course is cyclical. Others might guess it's because I'm a woman, and we're also cyclical. Some might say it's because that's how it is for everyone.

I say I really don't care why it happens...but for whatever reason, when it rains in my life - it freakin' pours.

That's never more true than when it comes to dating. I go through long stretches where I meet no one and am ready to adopt 18 cats. Then, out of nowhere, someone pulls a plug on the black hole, and all the guys fall out and land in a heaping pile smack in the middle of my nice, calm, quiet, happy little existence.

Cooties.

That's what happened at the beginning of the month. In one day, I got an email from a guy I went out with once three years ago (pre-Big), another guy who I had talked with before Trooper but never actually met in person - and this guy. I also got a message from a guy on Match who I thought had gone away (not this one, another one), and a guy on Plenty of Fish started calling me again, after we hadn't talked in a while.

That was one weekend. See what I'm saying? Pour-ing....

....and I haven't even mentioned the new guy I met the next day.

I'll admit the attention is good for my ego - but not much else. It makes life busy and complicated and stressful. I'm worried that I'll lead someone on, or that I'll meet a few people who seem right - and then pursue the wrong one. I'm worried that no one will end up liking me, and I'll feel let down.

I would much prefer to meet one person at a time, see how it goes, and then if it doesn't work out, replace him with the next. A nice, organized, calm, orderly love-life.

The thing is, life doesn't always give us what we prefer. It gives us what we need, and often that arrives in the form of a lesson to be learned, in preparation for something bigger.

So I can let myself get caught up in the rain, and all stressed out, and worry if I'll make a mistake, and eventually just chicken out and avoid the whole thing. Or I can take a breath and realize that the storm was sent for a reason, and if I push through, there's probably something even better for me on the other side.

Time to grab my umbrella.

Lesson learned already

"I believe God has a plan. Just wish He'd stop with all the false alarms." 

"They're considered lessons. God doesn't test us, but He does allow us to learn lessons. We keep making the same mistakes until the lesson has been learned."

I was talking with a friend about how I'm tired of meeting all the wrong guys, and while I trust that there is a plan for me that includes the right guy - I'd just like to get on with it already.

I thought about what my friend said, and I think she's right. There have been lessons that I needed to learn. But like I said to her...

I've got the lesson down about not staying with the wrong guy just to be in a relationship. I've absolutely mastered the guy who says he's interested, only to disappear. I'm a black-belt in guys who get into a relationship, only to drop me like a hot potato just when things seem to be going along nicely.

So what the heck is left?!

I have been over and over and over this in my head. It's probably irrational, but I have myself convinced that if I can figure out what the lesson is, I can learn it, and then true love will just fall out of the sky and land at my doorstep. Preferably on a good hair-day.

I know it probably won't happen exactly that way...but if there's a lesson to be learned, I'd still like to figure it out, if only for myself.

I've been talking about it a lot...but I think for me, communication is one of the biggest lessons. I'm just not good at it - at least not when it comes to a significant other. When I was married, the only time we "communicated" was when we fought. The rest of the time, we kind of just hummed through life as though everything was fine. That was probably largely my fault, because that's the way my family operates, and it's the way I was raised.

Since I've learned to associate communication with fighting, I'm constantly afraid that if I attempt to communicate with a guy, he'll perceive it as me picking a fight. Since I don't want to fight - I avoid communication.

Which isn't really working out so well for me.

I was absolutely horrible with Big. I improved a little with Trooper. I got incredibly good at it with Sparrow. I'd really like it if the universe could send me the guy who can help me pass that final exam. I think I'm ready. I finally realize that saying what's on my mind isn't the same as fighting - now I just need someone to help me practice.

Connected to all of this is a lesson in my own self-esteem. I need to remember that my feelings and desires and worries are just as important as the other person's. I learned to not feel that way from a previous relationship (Pre-X) that I never talk about, because it was quite painful. He was simply awful to me - abusive in every way. It's amazing how long we carry some things in life. I didn't even realize how big this guy's impact on me was until after X and I separated.

He convinced me that what I want in a relationship is far less important than what the other person wants. He also convinced me that if I don't give the other person everything he wants - I'm not good enough. He sealed the deal by making sure I always knew how fat, ugly, and stupid I am.

Great guy. Found him at the mall. Probably why I look for guys on the internet now. 

So how do I get over that? There are a million techniques, and I know them all. My self-esteem is a fight - but it's one that I'm winning. I think the big thing when it comes to relationships is not to let the other person affect how I see myself.

I am that girl who lets guys affect her self-esteem. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely have my own identity, and for the most part, I feel absolutely wonderful about myself.

But when I like someone, and he doesn't like me back - the wheels fall off. Before I know it, I'm right back in my 19-year-old self's shoes, sick to my stomach because I'm not good enough. Then I start trying to fix whatever I did wrong - making promises and changes, practically begging for another chance.

I notice it a lot when guys go AWOL. I get bummed, and down on myself. It's frustrating because I know better; I know not to expect more from someone than what he's promised, and I know that if someone disappears, it says more about him than it does me. Yet, I can easily get really bummed over one guy.

If that were any of my friends, I'd tell her to get her head on straight. That she's beautiful and smart, and if this guy was too stupid to see how lucky he was to have a chance with her, then he's not worth a second of worry. I'd be right, too.

So why can't I just take my own advice?

I get it. I know the right person will see me for the fabulous person I am. I also know the people who don't see it are obviously not right for me - and so their opinions don't even really matter. Knowing isn't the problem; I struggle with remembering in the moment.

Still, I know I'm getting the hang of this lesson. Know how? Any other time I feel rejected, the first thing I do is look for validation from another guy. I text a guy I already know; or more likely, I jump online and find someone new.

Not this time. This time, I'd already decided that if recovery was necessary, I would do it on my own. That I don't need anyone else to remind me how wonderful I am. I decided it's time to learn to remind myself.

So I may not have mastered this lesson yet - but I'm just about there.

Time to sweep off the doorstep and grab my hair dryer.

When do you let go?

You know that moment in a relationship where you think - this isn't right; how did I get here?! Then you do the swift, easy, spur-of-the-moment-because-you-just-know-it's-right thing and end things, right there, right then?

Yeah, me neither.

When I look back on a dead relationship, I can see where that moment maybe should have been. Where the thread started to unravel, and any normal, rational, sane person would have cut the string and moved on.

Thing is - love isn't always normal, rational, or sane.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm that girl who hangs on longer than she should. When I see a problem, I don't immediately run away. I look for a solution. When I don't find a solution - I keep looking. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with being persistant, and loyal, and dedicated. Those are excellent traits, particularly with a significant other. Once I promise my love to you - you're sort of stuck with it (whether you like it or not).

That passion does become a problem when I stop looking for a solution, and start hiding from the problem. Or pretending the problem doesn't exist. Or blaming it on circumstances outside the relationship.

I don't do it on purpose. I just get so caught up in how much I love someone, and how much I want things to work because I believe they should, that I stop seeing what's right in front of me.

I think that's when it helps to have a little faith. Faith reminds us that decisions aren't always about how we feel, or even what we can see. Faith is about trusting our heart, and knowing that even if a choice is a little uncomfortable - or even scary - it must be right, at least in that moment.

That's also when it helps to have friends, who really know you. Who don't judge or lecture. Who do ask questions that make you stop and think, and really see what's right in front of you. Or who help you listen, and hear what's already in your heart.

"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go - and then do it." Ann Landers

Waiting for uncertainty

Part of the reason that I'm undecided about this whole online dating thing, is the waiting. I'm not sure I'm built to just sit around and wait for love.

Well - that's not entirely true. It's not really the waiting that gets to me - it's the uncertainty. I've always said that I don't care how long I have to wait for something to happen....as long as I know it's going to happen.

I know this isn't a very popular point of view for the strong, independent, single gal, but - I love love. I like the idea of forever. I like the idea that there is one person out there for everyone - even if it does take some of us longer to find him than others. I want that it my life.

There - I said it.

That said....I don't mind waiting for my life to be ready, to find that perfect guy. Sure I'd like it to happen sooner rather than later, but I can totally understand if it just isn't time yet. The problem isn't that I have to wait.

The problem is that I'm waiting for something I can't be sure will ever happen.

No one can tell the future, and maybe this is where my faith in God comes in to play. Maybe I need to find a way to remind myself that if I trust in God's plan, then I do know it's coming - I just don't know when.

Sounds easy enough - but there's this uneasy feeling that creeps up now and then. It makes me wonder if maybe God's plan doesn't include someone special in my life. If that's the case - will I just keep meeting the wrong people, and getting my heart broken over and over? Or will I eventually just close myself off to protect my heart, and stop meeting people at all?

That's a scary thought. Between you and me - it's the scariest thought of all.

I recently saw a post from Pastor Joel Osteen, who I learned about from Trooper (irony) who said:

God wouldn't have put a dream in your heart if He didn't already have a plan to bring it to pass.

I'm not sure how Mr. Osteen would feel about me applying his very deep, meaningful message of faith to my online dating world - but there you have it. If God didn't have a plan to bring love into my life, he wouldn't have put it in my heart.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see.