Bad date gone worse

I have "met" a bunch of guys recently. By met, I mean exchanged messages and/or texts. Mostly it hasn't gone any further.

Last weekend, though, I was invited out on two casual "first meetings." I honestly wasn't looking forward to either, but they both seemed like nice guys, so I figured it couldn't hurt. . It was a nice day to be out and about, and meeting new people is usually interesting, if not always fun.

Found it here

Date #1 arrived at the coffee shop right on time. He walked in, said hi, and then immediately excused himself to put his suit coat back in his car, because I was dressed casually. It was a Sunday afternoon, and I'd just come from an afternoon of volunteering in the park (which he knew). I was casual, but certainly not messy.

I found that to be a little awkward...but I moved on.

He started asking me about my previous relationships. I can't say enough how much I hate when people do this. Yes, if we're dating, previous relationships should come up. But shouldn't you want to know me before you get to know them?!

To make matters even more uncomfortable, he asked what had gone wrong in my long-term relationships since my divorce. I said that both men (Big and Trooper) had just come to the realization that I wasn't the one they wanted to be with long-term, so they ended things.

It's the simple, easy answer. It also happens to be true. So you'd think that would satisfy a person's curiosity.

You'd be wrong, though.

He's a counselor - so he switched into counselor-mode and asked if I'd ever spent any time thinking about what might have happened? More importantly, had I tried to figure out what was wrong with me that had made them change their minds?

I looked up from my salad (which I was now plowing through in an effort to bring this date meeting disaster to a screeching hault) and said, "No, I just figured they were both jackasses." Perhaps an over-simplification, but it seemed like the quickest answer.

I'm not a counselor, and I don't claim to be a dating expert (if there is any such thing). Still, it seems to me that it is bad etiquette (and a bad idea) to suggest to someone you want to date that previous relationship failures were her fault.

He switched gears at that point, and said it seemed like I have all the qualities he's looking for. I reminded him that we'd only just met, and asked how could he possibly already know that he's interested? He responded by explaining that if he wasn't interested, he would have known right when he saw me, and turned around and walked out of the coffee shop. He would have pretended he was someone else, didn't recognize me, and just left me sitting there.

I think - I think - I was supposed to feel flattered that he found me attractive enough to come in and sit down. I think.

I wasn't flattered. I also didn't have a response.

When he walked me to my car, I told him it was very nice to have met him, but that I didn't feel there was a connection (he asked). I also thanked him for lunch.

Face to face rejection

I realized this weekend that I need to work on the face-to-face rejection. I have no problem telling someone that I'm just not that into him over the phone or in text {oh, how sweet it is when I can get away with that}, but when it comes to in-person - I choke.

Found it here

I do feel like it's either rude - especially after a date for which he's paid - or mean. But the truth is, I can get over being rude and mean. What I can't get over is the idea that it will turn into an embarrassing scene, or worse, he'll refuse to go away when the conversation is over.

On the phone, I have more control. If the conversation gets out of hand, I can just hang up. In person - and especially in public - I can't. Even walking away doesn't always work. Case in point - when Mr. Crazy-Pants approached me at the gym. He kept talking to me, and even though the conversation wasn't out of control, I still felt embarrassment. 

Honestly, there's also a safety concern. I don't want to sound all melodramatic, but the truth is - I have been in situations where I thought the guy might be less than a gentleman if he was rejected.

Sometimes, it's just easier to save-face in person, and then reject over the phone later.

But we all know the right thing to do is usually not the easy thing. It really only comes up if the guy is looking for confirmation of the next date before the current date ends. Sometimes guys don't ask {though I have met those that ask before the bill is paid - sneaky} and just wait until the follow-up phone call or text. I find this happens mostly if the guy is only a little interested in another date. If a guy is very interested, he will want to close the deal before saying goodbye.

A preemptive rejection isn't necessary - and that really would be mean. So, if the guy says something, I need to get better at replying with a nice, friendly, thanks, but no thanks. The truth is, embarrassment is my issue, not his, and safety is rarely a real concern. Sure I want to be courteous - but real courtesy is treating this person the right way, and being up-front if asked.

Of course, there will always be times when you just have to dive into your car head first to avoid an unwanted goodnight kiss. I don't think any of us should be too hard on ourselves - desperate times, desperate measures, and all.

Little tests

My date wasn't with "Know games" guy -
but hiding still looks pretty good.

I was on a date this weekend. He suggested meeting half way, and driving together to a restaurant he likes that is about 90 minutes away. Normally, I don't do the whole ride-together thing on a first date. I've been talking to this guy online for a while, and had an OK vibe from him. Plus, I liked the idea of me saving on gas.

Safety isn't the only concern, of course. Riding together, and traveling that far, pretty much guaranteed the date would be at least four hours long. Trapped with someone for all that time, with no idea how conversation would be? That was the real problem.

I started noticing comments that made him seem...a little old-fashioned. It's tough to explain, but he was coming across as very opinionated and rigid. He definitely did not have a lot of education, and definitely blue collar. I don't really care about any of that, but those things sometimes add up to a person with whom I might not share some political or social ideals.

So, I brought up an incident that happened in my city recently. It was a domestic disturbance between two men, who were also a couple. I figured the story might be a good conversation starter (or filler) but also give me a chance to observe his reaction to a gay couple.

It wasn't positive. Actually, I think he scowled.

At that point, I was pretty much done (which was unfortunate, because we were only half way through dinner and still had an hour drive together). Even if we got past the lulls in conversation, it appeared my instincts were right, and we differed in some very key ways.

It occurred to me that we probably all do these kind of tests on dates. I don't just do it with issues - I also do it with how a guy treats me. If I mention I have bad knees, will he remember, and offer to get the car for me or help me down a curb? Will he walk on the curb-side of the sidewalk? Will he let me order first? Does he grab for the check right away? Is he nice to the server?

I'm sure everyone guages behavior differently. The point is, whether we realize it or not, a first date is really just a series of tests. A chance to observe how the other person carries himself (or herself), and to try and predict how well that will mesh with our own behavior.

I'm sure he's a nice guy. He may just be too down-home, good-old boy for me. Or maybe I'm too snobby, white-collar bred for him. In either case, we're not a good match.

And I'll be sticking to coffee for first dates from now on.

Worst date ever

A friend sent me a link to this Huffington Post article, about a bad date. If you look closely at the photo, the man has built himself a Fortress of Solitude - out of Olive Garden menus.

That's right - in a restaurant - in public - an adult man is hiding from his date.


Maybe he should wear this shirt on all dates?

 Now, I admit - this is a bad date. But I have to say - it's not much worse than being on a date, wishing you could build a fort to keep the person out - and not having enough menus to do so.

I do have to wonder - if the date was this miserable, why stay? 

Not just him - what about her?! Why sit there with someone who so obviously doesn't want your company? Why allow him to create a scene so ridiculous it was immortalized on twitter? In the photo, she's playing on her phone. Understandable, since she's being ignored - but then why stay? Why not just leave while he's (obviously) not looking?

I've hung in there on some bad dates. Whether it was out of etiquette, a sense of decency, or just old-fashioned guilt, I've stuck it out through dates that ranged from awkward and boring to just plain awful.

But if someone treated me like this? I'm pretty sure I'd take my breadsticks and go home.

I'd write him a note, though - on the back of the bill.

Guys have to lie

"Sometimes, men have to lie to a woman, to protect her."

That's what this guy said.

I must have given him a quizzical look, because he asked if he "needed to explain further." I am quite certain that any sane, rational, reasonably intelligent man would have taken one look at my face and immediately shut up.

I, apparently, was not having dinner with a sane, rational, reasonably intelligent man. Since he offered, I asked him to please go on. Dinner was boring and I thought this might be amusing.

He explained that a man might know there's a "truth" about him that might scare away a woman who doesn't know him. He wants to get to know her a little bit, and let her get to know him, before he tells her. So, he has to lie - but it's only to protect her from walking away from the relationship prematurely. You know, because she doesn't know any better.

"He's really just doing it to protect her. You understand?"

I really don't think my date was prepared for my reaction...which went something like:

Sure, I understand - I just don't think you do. What you're describing isn't "protection" - it's manipulation. You're talking about letting a woman enter into a relationship when she doesn't have all the facts. You know everything - but she doesn't. The balance is all off.

The truth is the truth. You can hide it, walk away from it, ignore it all you want - it's still there. She's going to find out eventually. You're severely underestimating a woman by thinking if she's "deep enough" into the relationship, she won't walk away from a deal-breaker. Any woman worth dating still would. Your very suggestion that her standards are so low is an insult.

Not only that, now you've given her another reason to walk away. Not only do you have whatever the strike is you've been hiding - now you're a liar, too. Would you want to date a liar? No. So why should she?

Not to mention - wouldn't you rather be with someone who will accept you for all your flaws? So why hide them? All that does is help you find someone who doesn't like the real you.

I could tell he didn't agree with me. Or maybe he just didn't like what I was saying. Either way he didn't argue with me. 

Probably in his best interest.

Trooper owes me shoes

For years, when things would go wrong in my dating life, I would tell X it was all his fault. After all, I'm supposed to be married to him...if he'd never left me, all this dating nonsense wouldn't be an issue.

But X is really good to me, and besides - I probably can't hold him responsible forever. At some point, it was bound to happen that another great relationship would come along, fail, and that would be the relationship that was supposed to work, and that would be the guy to blame for future disasters.

I believe that baton has officially been passed to Trooper.

Last month, I met this guy on Plenty of Fish. He seemed nice enough, and he seemed interested and willing to put himself out there and ask me out. It took us a couple of weeks to get our schedule in synch, and finally met for drinks one Saturday night.

Side note: I thought we were meeting for dinner, since we met at a restaurant, and he had them seat us at a table. Turned out he wasn't eating, so I just got an appetizer. This should have been a hint, but I missed it completely. Lesson learned.

That Monday he asked if he could "take me to dinner" that week. I said yes. He asked me to pick the restaurant (SN: I hate that. Come with a plan. If I wanted to do all the work, I'd just go to dinner alone.). Parking was tough, so we walked over from an adjacent parking lot. I was concerned about falling on snow, and he laughed at me. No, I'm not kidding. Then he made fun of me. "Oh, don't worry, I'll hold your hand."

I should have ended the date right then, but I'm very polite.

Once we sat down, he announced he wasn't eating - again. Now, I was raised that you don't eat in front of someone who isn't also eating. He informed me that was "stupid." Then he proceeded to tell me he doesn't eat a lot of foods for health reasons...which was a big fat lie because he was looking at the chicken wings at the time.

He eventually admitted he's just a very picky eater. That was evidenced when the waitress came and he agreed to order a sandwich - and then gave her the biggest hassle over choices of sides and additions to the sandwich. Just as embarrassing as calling her hon and then laboring over the bill.



I posted this picture on Trooper's facebook.
Even provided a link and my size.
That's reasonable, right?

 Conversation was tough. First he wanted to hear about my exes, and what had happened. He didn't believe what I told him, which annoyed me - but not nearly as much as when he started to "explain" why men sometimes "need to lie to protect a woman."

I swear it's a miracle I didn't stab him with my fork.

When he started telling me about his ex, and how much he regrets losing her and how he hasn't been able to "close that door all the way" - I put on my coat and said I needed to leave.

Now, I understand that Trooper and I are not meant to be anything more than friends. I understand that everyone - even this guy - comes into my life for a reason. I can't call this date a "mistake." But he laughed, condescended, poked fun, lied, defended lying, accused me of lying, and was rude to me and others.

So, while I understand that ultimately I am responsible for my own choices in life - I still say Trooper owes me shoes.