What not to say

I get a lot of well-meaning advice on my dating life. I accepted a while back that I kind of invite it, even if not directly, simply by sharing my stories. I know it comes from a place of love and concern, so I try not to let it bother me. Still - sometimes, it does.

There are a few things that friends can do to avoid further hurting a heart broken friend, and show support at the same time.

Don't say.... platitudes and clichés. "It'll happen when you least expect it," or, "It just wasn't meant to be," sound helpful and positive. The thing is, your friend likely already knows all this nonsense. It's all true, of course, but is also little comfort to a person still trying to find her footing. When she's ready, she'll find it on Pinterest anyway, so just hold-off on the Paul Coehlo quotes.

Don't offer... advice on how to be happy. Your friend has not forgotten everything she's ever learned. She hasn't quit her job, stopped eating, or started avoiding people. She knows how to take care of herself, and she'll be happy when she's done being sad. Offering that advice really sounds like you're discounting her feelings and trying to rush her back to happy. Stop.*

Don't ask... how she's doing - unless you mean it. You know the answer - she's sad. If you're sick of hearing it, that's fair. But don't pretend you want to know, while secretly hoping she tells you about work or family. If you don't honestly want to listen to the answer, just don't ask the question.

What can you do? If she wants to talk, listen. It will mean so much that you care. Instead of advising her to "go out and live" or "find stuff to look forward to" - create those things. Make plans. Invite her out. You're right - distractions and plans will help.

Mostly, just don't forget how this feels. Chances are, you've been where she is. She'll be fine soon - just be her friend when she's ready.

*Of course, if your friend has stopped eating, working, or seems to be hiding from life more than usual - say something. She could be in a bad place. A little sad is normal - depressed is something else.

Why I am a fade out convert

Anyone who has been around a while knows how much I used to hate when men would go black hole on me. I figured it doesn't hurt to just say, hey, I'm not really that interested, sorry. I've thought and wondered and hypothesized why anyone would just not have the courtesy to tell the truth.

But I have to say, over the last 12 months, I've come to realize there's something to be said for just letting someone fade away. Obviously I'm not a fan of doing that when you have an actual relationship. Once someone has invested, even just a little, they deserve some kind of closure. But for brief exchanges, or even after just a date or two, I am officially a fade out convert.

It happened when I met a guy and we messaged, and then we texted. At first it was OK, but then I realized I really wasn't into the conversations we were having. I tried to be polite - but not encouraging - but he didn't take the hint. I started to feel like I was a hostage of my phone. I felt like I had to reply, and I had to be nice - or I had to explain myself.

I finally did, but it was so awkward. He asked for a reason, and I didn't have one. I just didn't like talking to him. I ended up inventing a story (I think I told him I just wasn't in a good mental place to meet new people), and he went away. But I found myself irritated that I had to lie, and even more irritated that I had to explain myself to someone I had never even seen in person.

It occurred to me that might be one of the reasons that men fade away. They don't have a reason, it isn't personal, and they really just don't want to explain themselves. Maybe the truth is as simple as it wasn't worth pursuing.

I've come to the conclusion that's OK.

A friend said to me, well what about when there's a date and it seemed to go well? That's always bugged me too, but I think we can give it the same perspective.

I've been on some awful dates. Most of the time, the other person felt the same. But I have, on occasion, been miserable on a date - only to hear from the guy, wanting another. He thought it went well. Like he was on a totally different date.

A good date is really subjective. You may have thought it went wonderful for both of you; but maybe he was just good at pretending. Or maybe you had rose-colored glasses on. Or maybe the date really was great, but for some other reason, another can't happen. 

After one date, does it really matter?

I've come to the conclusion that the fade out is a sign that, for one reason or another, this is not the guy for you. It's the universe's way of protecting you from the unhappiness or hurt or even just inconvenience that comes from investing in the wrong person.

I know it feels like there's no closure, and that stinks. I like closure, too. But sometimes in life, we have to create our own. I think looking at the fade out as protection is a great way to find the closure we really need.

The right guy - the one who is really meant for you - wouldn't just fade away.

Top of the list

Everyone has a list of what they want, both from their relationship and in the person they choose. Some people are specific (he needs to be tall, she needs to like video games, we need to travel, etc.), while others are more general.

Every list is personal and unique. What works for one person will not necessarily work for another.

But I do think every list should start out with one primary requirement: I should be happy.

That may mean that you find someone who wants to spend a lot of time together. It may mean you finally find a guy who is taller than you. It may mean you find a guy who doesn't mind that you don't cook, or a woman who doesn't want kids, or a man who wants to help you train for your next marathon.

A friend recently pointed out to me that we all have something we want from our relationships. One of the greatest things we can learn about ourselves is what that something is. Once we know, we are in a much better position to choose the relationship that's best for us - whether or not it makes sense to anyone else.

I'm not in the best position to offer advice right now, but I hope you'll take some great advice from one of my dearest friends: 

Top your list with happy - and the rest will fall into place.

Be you

Baking Suit sent this to me the other night.

"Where do I go to learn to fish? Do I text back? Do I text first? Do I call? How long do I wait to reply? How many days should go by until I should expect to hear from him? What should I say? How should I act?"

We've all been there. Well, at least most of us have. Knowing the rules is especially hard when you jump back into dating after a divorce, or the end of any long-term relationship. It's just so different from the dating we do when we're young, with nothing to lose. It feels so much more confusing, and less fun, and like so much more is at stake.

But I have good news for Vodka Mom. She's already figured out all she really needs to know.

"I will not date anyone just because he might like me...I don’t want to be someone I’m not. I don’t want to worry that being who I am is going to scare someone away.... I want to laugh, smile or call when I’m thinking of that person. I want to text that person when I want to share..."

The truth is - dating does not have rules. Games have rules. If you're playing games to to land a rich husband, or find a hookup for Friday night, or just get some attention - then there are rules.

But if you're really dating, and looking for something real, then the only rule is to be the real you. I don't mean to make that sound easy - it's not. It takes effort and patience to learn who you really are and what you really want. It takes time to build the confidence you need to call when you want, say what's on your mind, and share how you feel. 

If you do figure all that out, and stay true to who you are and what you want, then things will fall into place when the right guy (or lady) comes along. You may have to put up with meeting a few wrong people, but the good news there is that as long as you stay true to yourself, they'll be easy to spot.

Be you. It's the only rule you need.

I am a bad speed-dater

Last week, I went speed-dating for the fourth time. For the second time ever, I had no matches (meaning no one said "Let's Talk" after my name, and they all said "No Thanks"). 

I have to tell you - it's kind of blow to the ego. After a short pity-party involving some Chocolate Therapy (the Ben & Jerry's ice cream), I wanted to turn the pity-party into a brainstorming session where I figure out how to improve my results.

The problem? I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I feel like the secret to a successful speed-date is having a conversation that you want to continue. 

Obviously, 6 minutes is enough time to decide if you're physically attracted to someone. But it's not a lot of time to establish any other kind of connection - especially if you use the entire time repeating the same basic information about yourself (what you do for fun, work, etc). 

So, I try to keep the conversation away from the boring "So what do you do for work?" or "What do you do for fun?" which are staple questions. I think it's more fun to use the conversation-starter questions the organizer provides, or even to talk about what you each think about the whole speed-dating thing. Both of those options are more fun than repeating the same work and hobby history 8-12 times in one night. 

Unfortunately, a lot of the guys seem to want to err on the safe side and lead in with those questions. They all seem afraid to start a conversation that will last more than 6 minutes. They stick to the basics, which are safe, painless, and will easily just fill the time if both people answer. 

But that results in a dozen dates that, at the end of the night, all run together. Nothing stands out

because it's like you repeated the same date over and over. Not only that, but if you fill the time without running over, it feels final - leaving no reason to continue.

I think the secret to a good speed-date is to get a conversation going that you want to finish - but can't. That would (probably) make you check "Let's Talk" and have a real date with the person, if only to finish what you started.

But - apparently that strategy isn't right for me. While I've been interested in people, and people have been interested in me, they've never been the same people. Dozens of dates, and not one has resulted in anything past the first 6 minutes. 

Which leads me to believe I'm either not attractive enough...or I'm talking too much and/or scaring them away with my conversation choices. 

Since I had no matches this last time, Pre-Dating will give me a free event. Though a part of me thinks I should hang up my speed-dating clipboard for good, the bargain-shopper in me can't walk away from a deal. So I may try at least one more time.

But I definitely need a new plan.

Dating coach

I'm one of those people who changes purses and jackets often. As a result, I'm constantly finding pocket-size information that was stuffed somewhere and forgotten.

This morning I found a business card for a Dating Coach who passed out information at a speed dating event I attended. I never spoke with her, but I remember noticing a few people hanging around at the end to talk with her.

I got to thinking... I wonder what a dating coach would say to me?

The thing that probably frustrates me most with dating is meeting people who want something very different from what I want. No matter how great a guy might seem, if you want different things, it just won't work.

What might a coach say about that? I think she'd suggest that I need to be upfront about what I want, and not settle for guys who want any less. I agree - but I find that challenging.

What I want is a relationship - but, I shy away from saying so because men often think that means a woman wants a relationship right that second.

While I do want a relationship, I do not want to rush right into one. I want to meet someone with potential for long-term, get to know him, see if we have a connection, and continue dating and allow that connection to grow, hopefully into something long-term.

But, if I say that, a guy will stop listening after, I don't want to rush into a relationship. He hears that and thinks he's hit the jackpot - a woman who wants the "benefits" of a relationship without the commitment. Of course, he agrees that he "wants the same" - when really he doesn't. What I end up with is a relationship based on a misunderstanding, which goes about as well as you'd expect.

So, I can't say that, either. Which is fine, I'm not looking to mislead or confuse anyone. My problem is if honesty doesn't work, I'm stumped. It made me wonder what a dating coach might suggest.

Then I wondered...what might you suggest?

Circle back

January is a big month for resolutions. Gyms are more crowded, more money is saved...maybe more vegetables are sold.

Another big resolution for those looking to make a change? Love life.

January is the busiest month for new enrollment on dating websites. People start the year with a renewed interest and determination in finding their one true love.

It's supposed to be a time of change; of doing things differently. People have turned over a new leaf, figured out the mistakes of their past, and reinvented themselves to make a positive change.

Which is why I was a little surprised to receive my regularly-scheduled blast from the past messages. You know - when mistakes guys from my past reach out and try to "reconnect."

So far - two. One is a guy who has been around for about a year now - he comes and goes. We've talked about him before. His reappearance was brief - he said hi on a dating site, I said hello, and he never responded. Weird - sometimes I think maybe he just likes to be sure I'm still alive.

The other was a message from a guy who I met once for coffee, back in the fall. Nice enough, no real spark. I considered going on a second date - until he messaged me online to question what I was doing, and then didn't believe me when I told him. I never heard from him again, and figured he wasn't interested. I didn't care enough to find out for sure.

He messaged me over the weekend and asked how I'd been doing. He didn't identify himself, and he'd taken his picture down, but I remembered him based on his profile. He asked if he could text me - he had a new number and had lost mine.

He'd also forgotten my name.

I suggested that if I wasn't even memorable enough for him to recall my name (which, by the way, is ridiculously easy to remember) then perhaps my initial feeling was right, and we are not a good fit. He disagreed - I let him know it wasn't open for debate, and wished him well.

Neither of these reappearances will amount to much more than a momentary annoyance. Still, they do make me wonder...what makes some people circle back?

We're supposed to learn from our mistakes. We're supposed to take those lessons and make positive changes, to move our life forward - and in a better direction. That's the whole point of new year resolutions - replacing bad habits with good.

I know not everyone subscribes to the whole resolution idea. A lot of people figure January 1 is just another day - and to an extent, I agree. If your life sucked on December 31, it probably won't be much different twelve hours later.

But those are circumstances, which always take time to change. What we can change immediately - and at any time - is our attitude. It doesn't have to be on January 1 - but if the day fills people with hope and a renewed sense of focus and motivation to improve, what's so bad about that?

Whether you choose to make your changes on January 1, or August 17 - the point is, at some point, we all have to embrace the mistakes we've made and try to do something different. It's been said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

Which, by the way, is also the definition of dating.

So, if you're going to keep dating, at some point, don't you need to accept that whatever you've been doing up to this point hasn't worked - and then maybe, change things up a little?

Perhaps not calling that woman who you didn't really like that much in the first place is a good place to start.

A guide to holi-dating

A friend of mine came to me last week with this scenario: I just started dating a new guy, and he's asked me to be his date at a get together on Christmas Day. We'd agreed no gifts - but now that we'll be together, should I do something?

My advice was something inexpensive, and possibly homemade (candy, cookies, what-not). That way it can be more of a "thanks for the date" type gift, instead of a Christmas gift. The last thing you want is to make a person feel bad for not reciprocating on the gift.

She thanked me for my "dating guru" advice. While one might argue that of the two of us, the one who is date-less this holiday might not be the guru, it did occur to me that others might appreciate my input on the topic of holiday dating. So, as my gift to you, here are my holi-dating guidelines.

********************************** 

I feel there's a window of opportunity when deciding to date someone seriously. That window closes after October 25. If you start dating someone seriously after that, you run the risk of a very awkward holiday. Between wondering if you should buy him a gift - and if so, how much should you spend - and trying to figure out what it means if he doesn't invite you to meet his family, you could ruin your whole holiday. Now I realize that at some point, every relationship goes through this awkward phase. I just don't want it happening when I'm supposed to be enjoying my gifts family.

Does that mean you can't date at all the last two months of the year? Of course not. I say just keep it very casual, so that you don't get to the gift-giving, family-meeting stage until January (or later).

What if you do get caught in the gift-giving conundrum? See my advice above. Stick with something inexpensive, thoughtful, and not too elaborate. You don't want to create another awkward situation if he does not have a gift for you. Like I said - cookies or candy work if you're the "make stuff in your kitchen" sort. If you're like me, and only know where to keep the soda in your kitchen, then maybe a couple of movie tickets, or even better, offer to take him for a night out. That's nice, thoughtful, and gives the two of you time together, which is what a new relationship is all about.

I am so sick of this song.

What if you do get caught in the family-

meeting pickle? I'm afraid it's been a while since I've personally had this come up. In this type of situation, I always think it's best to fall back on good old-fashioned common courtesies. Wear a nice outfit, but be sure not to out-dress his family. Bring a hostess gift (stay away from food, as you run the risk of insulting the cook) - wine, flowers, etc. Offer to help clean up after the meal.

What about New Year's Eve? There's a lot of pressure on singles to find a date for this night. It's almost worse than Valentine's Day. I personally think it's more important to start your new year off on the right foot - which means spending your evening on a bad date is way worse than spending it with no date. But that's me. The good news here is that New Year's Eve dates don't have to be serious - they just have to be fun. So that guy you met in November who you've been talking to casually? He's perfect. My advice though? If it's been nothing but casual, don't assume that a date on December 31 makes it anything more. Sure, it'd be nice if you start your new year with a kiss from your soulmate - but the truth is, your year can start off just as nicely with a kiss from your dog.

Just my two-cents. Happy holi-dating!

Devil is in the details

I was talking with a good friend last night who I don't get to see as often as I'd like. She's wonderful and smart and funny and she gets me. She asked me what was new - and she meant with everything. Of course, I eventually filled her in on the current state of my dating life.

Somehow, we got on the subject of how certain friends and family seem very concerned that I am not currently in a relationship. She asked me why some people feel the need - or right - to offer an opinion. She suggested not sharing any dating news, and see if that helps.

But it occurs to me that writing this blog sort of opens my life up to curiosity, opinions, and advice. The truth is, no matter how frustrating unsolicited advice can be, I know it comes from a good place when it comes from my friends.

I don't blog about every dating experience (though I do blog about most). Even my closest friends don't know every little detail of every single date. What I share are those highlights that are funny, or that make me think (or both).

But the devil is in the details, as they say. My feelings and perspective is made up of all my experiences - including those I don't share.

That's the part that's frustrating - knowing that the (very well-intentioned) advice being offered can't possibly factor in every piece of information.

I can't do much about that. I couldn't possibly share everything - and if I did, no one would want to hear it all anyway. But my friends still love me and want me to be happy. They will still offer advice based on what they know.

I'll just have to sort it through as best I can.

Quantity over quality

At the beginning of the 30 Day Blogging Challenge (which, thanks to a crazy work schedule and technology issues, actually took me about 41 days) I fully intended to take a break from dating. I'd been on a few too many bad dates, and just thought it might be time for a little breather.

That, naturally, didn't work out quite like I expected. About 2-3 weeks into my "break," I met a couple of guys who are nothing like the guys I've been dating over the last year and a half. While neither of those developed past one meeting, they did help me gain a little insight into a pattern I think I need to break.

I've been dating too many guys.

I let my standards go. My walls were down, and so was the criteria I usually use to weed out those who aren't a good fit.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting I'm better than anyone else. But, if a guy is at a different stage in his life than I am in mine, we're a bad match. I used to identify this right away - and recently, I've been ignoring the signs.

For example - emotionally unavailable guys. Dating these guys serves no useful purpose - except when I wasn't looking for a relationship. But for the most part, that's temporary for me - which means these guys are just a way to pass the time. In the end, that is pointless, and just ends up making me feel bad about myself.

The flip side is guys who are eager to jump into a relationship. Whether it's because of their situation, or a recent breakup. or they just don't like to be alone - they were just in a hurry. I knew the rush would make them more of a "sure thing" and I would tend to latch onto them, even if I wasn't sure of them.

I finally had to admit to myself that I've been ignoring my standards. Yes, it's great to be open-minded when dating, and not stick to a "type" too much. But it's also OK - good, even - to have standards. It shows you value yourself, and know what you want and what you deserve.

I let guys in who I normally wouldn't because I was just so eager to meet someone. The result was I let people in who were also eager...and before I knew what was happening, I was being dragged into situations where I did not want to be.

Raising my standards means there are fewer prospects. I'm no longer meeting as many new people.

I'm hoping to replace quantity with quality.

Square peg

Continued from here...

I don't actually remember what the breaking point was. Something happened that made me feel I needed to clear the decks, so to speak, and say goodbye to the guys who were hanging on but not really going anywhere.

Once that was taken care of, I really thought it was time to take a break. I hid all my profiles, and decided I'd just sit tight until things calmed down in other areas of my life.

Then out of nowhere, guys I had dated previously started coming back. Asking me how I was doing, what was new, what had happened, could they see me, etc. Proving once again that even when I'm actually trying to do the right thing, this nonsense just happens on its own schedule.

Anyway...

I'd already been thinking about this one guy, wondering whether I might have leaped to a conclusion too quickly. On the one hand, he had been quick to say I was "crazy" (to paraphrase) and was not willing to meet me halfway when it came to a disagreement. On the other hand - I guess that is a pretty reasonable reaction, considering he probably felt he was being unfairly labeled a liar.

So when he reached out to me, I thought it seemed fair to give him the benefit of the doubt and at least talk to him. So I did.

Our previous dates consisted of us just hanging out at his place. When we stopped seeing each other the first time, it was because I attempted a conversation that would bring us out of that phase. Huge mistake on my part, as eloquently explained in this post from The Awl (thanks Baking Suit).

Looking back, I realize that it wasn't reasonable of me to expect more from the relationship, when I had already settled for less. Something about a cow and free milk comes to mind, but I refuse to repeat any saying in which a woman is compared to livestock. You get the idea.

So, I made a decision that if we were to start seeing each other again, it would need to be different. The first night we spoke was just via text. The second night, he called - at 11 pm on a Friday. I was awake - but when he asked if he could see me, I told him no way. We had a halfway decent conversation, and I restated that I'd like to be his date - not anything less.

Saturday around 8 or so, he texted to say he wanted to see me. I told him we could have gotten together, but that I figured he'd ask to make plans when he had time. I reminded him that I preferred to go out as opposed to just "hanging out" at his place or mine. He said, "Fine."

(Which, by the way, I pictured him saying as he stomped his feet, pouted, and folded his arms, much like my little cousin would if he was refused candy. Not really that attractive.)

Sunday, I texted him later in the evening to see how his day was....and got no response. I eventually decided to email him and ask if that meant he preferred not to speak to me anymore. Said I would respect his wishes either way, just preferred to ask and know rather than just guess (like I had the last time).

He did reach out to me via text, the next day. Then there was a missed phone call... At this point, we still haven't connected, and I have no idea what's going on, what he's thinking, or really what it is we're doing, other than talking.

Part of me thinks he really is just like the guy described in the Dear Polly post. Not really into me for a relationship, and just looking for a round hole to "slide his piece-of-shit square peg into." I suppose time will tell.

What I do know is, it feels a lot better to be 100% honest - even too honest, if that's possible - and demand the sort of treatment I know I want and I know I deserve (while giving that same treatment, obviously).

Whether he sticks around or not, I'd call this a lesson worth learning.

I'm a mess

I make a lot of dating mistakes. A lot. I try very hard not to make mistakes that will hurt other people, and I always protect myself physically. Of course, it'd be nice to protect myself emotionally, but when dating is involved, that's sometimes difficult.

After the whole Trooper thing ended, I did try to get back into a relationship (Remember Sparrow?). I failed miserably. The relationship had its problems, and probably would have ended anyway - but the truth is, I just wasn't ready.

I've spent the last year or so sort of blindly dating. At first I had no idea what I wanted. Now, I think I've figured that out - but I'm still wondering if it's something I want right now, or something I vaguely see as part of my distant future.

Of course, that's really another post altogether. In the meantime...

I've been spending a lot of time thinking, talking to myself, searching for answers. I've used friends as soundboards, written blogs, and even had several heart-to-hearts with my cat.

All of us (cat included) have come to the same conclusion: I'm a mess.

Found here

Not quite a hot mess, mind you. I haven't passed the point of no return on any slut-o-meters (I don't think). I haven't gone full-blown Samantha from Sex and the City, and I can name all of the guys I've met. But I've definitely been on more dates than one might think reasonable, talked with more men than I can keep track of, and all with very little to show (except for this blog).

My problem, as I see it, is I wasn't willing to commit to what I wanted. I convinced myself that casually dating was OK, because I like being single and having my independence. That was pretty easy to believe, since it also happens to be true.

The problem with the casual date (and by date, I sometimes mean sex, sometimes I really do just mean date) is at the end of the day, that's not how I'm wired.

I eventually want a relationship. When I spend a lot of time with someone, I get invested. I start to feel more connected. If I let that happen, all the while knowing it can't ever be more, then I'm setting myself up to get hurt. Which is just silly, and really a big waste of everybody's time.

Respect and courtesy are also a big deal to me. Whether a guy has long-term potential, is just fun to hang out with, or he's the worst date ever, I will always do my best to treat him well. But a lot of guys use the "casual" thing as an excuse to treat a woman poorly. That will bother me. It's going to make me feel unsatisfied and unhappy and a little empty. Most importantly, it's going to make me feel bad about myself and challenge my carefully-protected self-esteem - which eventually turns me into a mess.

I recently came to the conclusion that something needs to change. I realized, after a lot of thinking and advice, that change needs to be what type of dating behavior I'll accept, and engage in. I'm hoping this moves me from the mess category into the satisfied category.

Even though it may mean a short stop in the lonely category, too.

To be continued...

What not to say to a single friend

Advice from friends is great, and always welcome. I've learned that even advice not taken can be helpful. I mean, even bad advice can help you find perspective.

But unsolicited advice is tough sometimes. Big used to say "unsolicited advice is criticism," which I always found to be wise. If a friend hasn't asked for advice, chances are, she either doesn't know there's an issue, or she already has a solution. Either way, pointing it out might feel like criticism.

Singles get advice all the time - most often from people in relationships. Sometimes it's helpful; other

Found it here

times, it's just frustrating. I like to think I have a fairly good handle on being single. I certainly have plenty of experience; I have also put a lot of effort into turning negatives into positives.

Still, now and then I get a little sad. I might feel rejected, or doubtful, or lonely, or even angry. The thing is, I know that's temporary, and I know ways to overcome. I think I'm still entitled to my feelings.

So sometimes, advice frustrates me. I feel like - wait, I'm pretty good at this whole single thing. Being single shouldn't automatically make me wrong. So why do you assume I need advice?

There are a few things I'm very tired of hearing. Inspired from this Buzzfeed list, my favorites are...

Trust God's Plan

I actually find this to be a helpful reminder. That's because I believe in God's plan for my life, and trust that if I listen to Him, things will turn out the way they're meant to.

The reason I'm not a fan of this advice is because if a single person doesn't believe in God, the advice could be a little discouraging. Who wants to think their happiness depends on a deity they either don't believe in, or don't have a relationship with?

If everyone felt this way, Christian Mingle would be the only dating site, and Stir Events would be at church. If you know this reminder will be helpful to a single friend, by all means, share. If you're not sure, keep your mouth shut and offer ice cream instead.

Maybe it's time to work on yourself

Unless you're new around here, you know I'm in favor in taking a break from dating. If you're single and dating long enough, it can start to feel like a job. Like any other work, you can get burned out. A break is good. However....

Growth and self-improvement should be a life-long pursuit. Something that should continue even in a committed relationship. Married people don't file for separation every time they start a new hobby...so why should a single person have to be alone to learn or grow?

If you want to give this advice, tread carefully. It could come across as a suggestion that there is something specific wrong with your friend - that is keeping her from finding love - that she needs to improve. She might start to think that every bad date, every guy who treated her poorly was her fault - even if she knows she can't be more than 50% responsible for any issue.

Plenty of people find happiness without love

If there was ever a hot mess of relationship advice, here it is.

First - it sounds like giving up. Like you're suggesting that your single friend raise the white flag, adopt 100 cats, and become a hermit.

Second - it's a little unfair. Sure, people can choose to be single, and be very happy. But I guarantee your single friend is thinking, "Why don't I get to choose? What's wrong with me that I don't deserve a happily ever after?" You've just reminded your friend of every, single thing she dislikes about herself.

Of course we know that wasn't your intention. You're trying to be encouraging, and remind her there are other ways to find happiness. That's fine - but you might want to frame it as temporary, unless you want to find your friend on an episode of Hoarders.


Here's the thing.... Whether your friend is newly single (as in just through a breakup) or has been single a while but feeling down, she's in a sensitive place. Your advice, while very good and well-intended, might come across as critical. Be prepared that your friend, in her very vulnerable state, might see it that way.

The good news is, your friend probably knows this stuff already. She'll snap out of it, and come around on her own.

The truth is, if she hasn't learned the lesson yet, she probably won't take your advice, anyway. Some lessons we just have to learn for ourselves.

Men at work

Earlier this week, I pointed out how two guys have called me crazy, and I mentioned that they are both substance abuse counselors. Which got me thinking...are there professions that are tougher to date than others?

I haven't conducted a study, and I'm not a sociologist or a psychologist, so I can only answer the question based on my own personal experience and ... er ...research. Lucky for all of you, that research has been pretty extensive (let's keep that between us, K?)

Substance Abuse Counselors - See above. They seem to be convinced they know everything about interpreting your actions and words. They also seem to be pretty good at finding a way to blame the whole thing on you, anyway. Personally, I think this is because they are often former addicts, and that's what addicts do. Or maybe it's because they spend so much of their time counseling others in how to own their problems, and they forget they aren't counseling their date to do the same. Either way, in order to date this guy, you need to be ready to take on a whole lot of blame.

Law Enforcement - This includes police (state, county, municipal), other law enforcement agencies, and corrections officers. These guys are historically bad at commitment, and are known for being "dogs." Personally, I think it's because they have to separate themselves from their work, and maybe that disassociation spills over into their personal life. Or maybe it's just because one needs a specific mind-set to do any of these jobs, and that personality trait makes for a bad date. Either way, if you're dating this guy, be prepared that he may not be in it for the long run. Also - his hours will probably suck.

Car Salesman - These guys come off shady, maybe because they make their living telling people what they want to hear in order to close a deal. That definitely spills over into their personal life. This guy will be able to read you like a book (better than any counselor ever could) and will be saying all the right things within minutes. If you're going to date this guy, be prepared that most of what he says is simply not true.

DJ, Musician, Artist, or other creative types - First of all, let's be practical - unless you're dating Josh Groban or Jay Z or James Patterson, this dude has no money. You will get stuck paying for a lot, and probably driving everywhere. It's one thing to always pay your own way - but to have to pay his, too? Just something to consider. Like law enforcement, these hours also suck. Even worse than the hours is the fact that creative types have no concept of time. They get wrapped up in their project, with no regard for you or your plans or your feelings. If you want to date this guy, be prepared to never be in his starting lineup.

Self-Employed - There are definite and obvious exceptions to this observation, but basically...this guy is two steps away from unemployed. Just keep that in mind, because really, if you wanted someone to take care of, you could go to the shelter and adopt a pet.

Single dating

I know a lot of single people don't like being single. Even those who enjoy their single-dom occasionally feel a little lonely, and would like to find a partner.

I know people who will go out with anyone, and do anything, just to avoid sitting at home, especially on a weekend. [Side Note: I consider this different than going out with anyone for blog material. One is avoidance, anxiety, depression; the other is research.]

I'm the first to admit I'd love to be in a relationship. Not just any old relationship, though. I want that inconvenient, all-consuming love that Carrie Bradshaw talked about when she talked about her love with Big. You know, when someone just absolutely takes your breath away, you can't stop thinking about him, and just the sight of his number on your phone makes you smile. 

Of course, that's not something one finds everyday. Or in my case, every year. In the meantime, dating is fine, so long as everyone understands that's all it is - dating. I'm not looking for my soul mate - I figure he'll show up when the time is right. I also figure I'll know him when I meet him. If, after several dates, we haven't connected that way - you're probably not him. 

Thing is - that doesn't mean we can't keep dating. Unless you think that if we keep dating, we must be soul mates. As long as everyone understands that dating is just dating, it all works. 

It has taken me a long time to realize that every date doesn't need to be in pursuit of your next great love. Dating is fun (in theory) and something that should be enjoyed, learned from - and of course, laughed about. 

I can date and still be single - and until that inconvenient love comes along, that's exactly what I intend to be.

Acceptable lies

While looking for a photo to go with my post about drinking habits, I came across this post from The Daily Dot. The author, Beth Cook, is a Dating Coach (I wonder if she's an expert, too). She's also a little bit of a liar, apparently. Or, at least she gives permission to others to lie.

I agree with some of what she says.

For some odd reason, certain online daters feel the need to share bad things about exes. “I like outdoorsy girls. My ex-girlfriend wasn't interested in hiking and camping.” Oh, really? Is that why you two broke up? Of course not, unless you permanently live off the land. No need to talk about past relationships (including marriages), or really any past experiences. Get into the present and write about what you want now.

*Exception to the above rule: Your past may have led to children. In that case, you should mention them. It’s creepy if you don’t.

If you prefer an "outdoorsy girl" definitely say so. Do you need to mention the bit about the ex? No - but that's not really a lie, either. Also, it is definitely creepy if you have kids and don't mention them. Super creepy.

I don't agree that it's OK to lie about your height, weight, or only show photos from the waist up. I get what she's saying (best foot forward and all), but I believe your best foot includes working with what you've got. I'm a curvy girl, and I would never not post that on a dating profile. What good is that doing? If a guy knows he's only attracted to thin women, I'm just wasting his time - and mine.

[PS - How dare anyone suggest that in order for a curvy girl to put her best foot forward, she needs to hide her body?]

Ms. Cook also said it's OK to lie about vices.

Are you a twice a week social smoker or a once a month marijuana dabbler? Forget about it. Even people who are super-anti whatever mild vice this might be for you probably won't care if you do it only occasionally or only with certain friends. I wouldn't worry about describing your substance habits unless they are excessive. Your date probably behaves the same way.

NO she doesn't behave the same way, and YES she does want to know if you "dabble" in anything, especially if it's illegal where she lives. To some of us - and our jobs - this sort of information is deal-breaking. I wonder if Ms. Cook will pay my mortgage when I lose my job because my next date gets me arrested for possession because it was OK to forget to mention his intense cocaine habit?

Of course it takes time to share everything about your life with someone. No one does that upfront. I'll tell you I'm divorced before we've ever met, but it might be a while before I share all the details about what happened.

But if I don't even mention I've been married before? That's uncool.

Lying is a time-waster. It's not up to anyone to decide what is and is not a deal-breaker for others. Your job isn't to get inside your potential date's head; your job is to show off who you are, and let the right date find you.

Are you a drinker?

On, like, every dating site, users are asked if they drink. The response is usually a drop-down menu, with choices like: Never, Socially, Moderately, and Often.

I don't drink - ever. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had alcohol, and all were 20+ years ago. I've never been drunk. I don't ever plan to change.

So when I answer "never" I am being completely honest. I wish other people would do the same (be honest, I mean - I don't care if they drink).

I would say about 90% of the profiles I see say the person is a social drinker. But what does that mean,

Found it here

exactly?

I say a social drinker is someone who has a drink when he goes out. He's at a bar or dinner with others, and enjoys a drink - or maybe even a few. I'd even agree that a person could over-indulge once in a while, and still be a social drinker.

As long as it's done socially (as in, while in the company of others) and responsibly (as in, there's a sober designated driver or other plan in place).

I'd say someone who has a liquor inventory on hand and is constantly restocking is more than a social drinker. I'd say someone who drinks every night - even when he's alone - is more than a social drinker. I'd say someone who drinks and then drives to work is way more than a social drinker.

Yet few people will admit to being more than a social drinker - even though choices like 'often' or 'moderately' are available.

Why?

I get a variety of reactions when I tell people I don't drink. Some are appalled. Some don't actually believe me. Some get excited at the prospect of a built-in designated driver (which, by the way, is the reaction I find most annoying).

Others feel the need to excuse their own habits. "Yeah, I hardly ever drink," said one. Then he drank three beers at dinner that night, and two on our next date. I'm sure he was in control. I'm also sure, based on his size and the timing, that he would have been legally drunk if pulled over.

It seems like there's a perceived stigma about people who like to drink. I think people are hesitant to admit to drinking more often out of worry they will be pre-judged.

I've been told that I shouldn't say "never" on my profile. That it makes me sound dull, and probably scares people away; that they might figure it'd be a problem for me if they wanted to drink.

I disagree. As surprised as most men are when I don't order a drink, there's no way they're actually reading that part of my profile. Not to mention, if my drinking habits matter that much, we're probably not a good match, anyway.

Lying or pretending, on the profile or in person, accomplishes nothing - something I wish more people would learn.

Why are you alone?

"So why no man in your life?"

This from a guy who waited a whole 6 messages before asking this incredibly personal, and difficult to answer, question.

He's not the first to ask. Sometimes it's phrased as, "How are you single?!" or "Why is someone like you online?"

I think sometimes the question is meant as a compliment. Like, "how has no one seen how wonderful you are?"

Found it here

That brings us back to a pet-peeve I've mentioned earlier - the idea that when it comes to relationships, all you're looking for is someone who likes you. As if who you like isn't important at all. But that's a different post.

But it also brings us to a misconception about online dating - that everyone there is desperate, and unable to meet people elsewhere. Listen, I'm the first to admit I'm no beauty queen. But I'm not a bad catch, either. I have plenty of absolutely gorgeous friends who have used online dating to meet people - and I've met attractive, sweet, successful, honest men online too (though I have yet to meet one guy who has all of those qualities). 

Not to mention, the question also suggests that just because someone has a profile, that means she has no one in her life. That's a bad assumption - and you know what they say about people who ass-u-me.

Maybe I am dating - just not seriously. Or maybe I just met someone. I might be a player... Or maybe three other guys used that same line earlier in the day, and I'm suddenly quite busy.

My point is, me being online doesn't make me lonely, or alone - any more than us talking online makes us together. Don't go into a conversation with someone having already made assumptions and set expectations.

That rarely works out well for anyone.

Be an expert on yourself

My biggest pet peeve with relationship experts is they seem mostly concerned with teaching people how to find someone who wants to be with them. How to dress and act; what to say, and where to go, all to attract someone else.

Which - I get. That's what most people want help with - finding, attracting, and keeping the person.

I guess there's a part of me that wishes people were less concerned with meeting someone and more concerned with meeting the right one.

It's like the message is that our only real standard should be that a guy want us. Like what we want doesn't even matter, so don't bother trying to figure that out.

I don't think people need to consult relationship experts, or even become relationship experts.

I think we need to become an expert on ourselves.

Once you know yourself, I think the right person is just around the corner.

Can anyone really be a relationship expert?

I've been attending tele-seminars offered by Pre-Dating.com. The first Tuesday of each month they host a free conference with a different speaker, talking on a variety of relationship topics.

Derek Jeter and Shemar Moore (aka Derek Morgan)
It's a Derek Collage! For this, I could hang in there.

I'm going to be honest - I don't always get a lot out of the calls. First, they drag on a bit, and my attention span is pretty short. Unless it involves shoes, jewelry, or one of my favorite Dereks, I really only have about an hour before my mind starts to wander.

But...for attending the seminars, you get a coupon code for 50% off a pre-dating (speed dating) event. Since I've been wanting to try one, I really wanted a code. When there's money involved, I can pay attention a little longer.

I think the tele-seminars are a great idea - but there is one problem. Most of these "experts" are authors - books, articles, blogs, etc. When someone is a talented writer - often he is not a talented speaker.

It's tough to listen to a bad speaker (and don't even get me started on when the open it up to questions from the public - horrible). It's even tougher to listen to a pompous, condescending know-it-all.

So last week's call was particularly tough. The speaker was Roy Biancalana. His website says he's a "Certified Relationship Coach" (which, it seems, is fairly easy to become). I'm sure he's a great guy, and he did tell a little of his personal story.

Of course, he also said at one point he was "having sex twice a day. I'm not sure if any of you guys can match that." Really? I think he may have been trying to point out that a passionate relationship is not necessarily a fulfilling one - but mostly he just sounded full of himself.

I listened to enough of the questions to hear him advise a single mom with a 13 year old that maybe she didn't want to bring up she was a mom on a first date. He then went on to say, "If you hang in there, you'll find someone who wants to be with you, even though you're a mom." That's a huge pet-peeve of mine - I don't think "someone who wants to be with me" should be anyone's goal when looking for a date. It should be "someone I want to be with."

But I'm no expert - and, according to him, he is. I have a tough time seeing how anyone could really be an "expert" in something that involves human emotions and experience. Can anyone really know all there is to know about something that is ever-changing and unique?

Freedictionary.com defines "expert" as:

A person with a high degree of skill in or knowledge of a certain subject. Having, involving, or demonstrating great skill, dexterity, or knowledge as the result of experience or training.

By this definition, I suppose a person is an expert on relationships if he has studied relationships and personalities, and has developed knowledge that is beyond common sense. As long as we're willing to say that a person is an expert simply because he knows more than some.

Maybe. He's still pompous though.

*I didn't receive any compensation for this post. I plugged the site pre-dating.com because I have found it to be useful. I plugged Roy Biancalana's site because I figured it was the least I could do, after being critical.