Communication is everything

A friend and I were messaging last week after she accidentally outed herself on Facebook as having been in a relationship for about a year. I should probably say "accidentally outed" in quotes. While she mentioned the guy in a post, the relationship wasn't the focus; it was part of a bigger story. Just like it was in real life - not her focus, and not really a secret, just a part of her story that hadn't come up before.

Anyway, she told me a few details about the guy and their dating style that make their relationship a little less than conventional. It's a style many would consider unacceptable; some might even consider it unhealthy (I'm not one of those people; just wanted to offer some context without sharing a story that's not mine to share).

She said for her, it's been the healthiest relationship she's ever had. No co-dependence, she gets alone time (which is important to her), and they don't take each other, or the relationship, for granted.

"We TALK," she said. "That is huge."

It got me thinking about my own relationship, and how it probably appears to others - lack of commitment, going nowhere, unhealthy.

We don't live together because we're not married. Toyfriend is too traditional. But we'll probably never be married because... well, that's a separate post. So it's likely we'll never share a roof.

We often spend holidays separate because combining families is complicated. He doesn't attend every function

with me because he always has a choice and sometimes the choice is one of his kids, or a friend, or just a night to himself. 

But we also talk - and that is everything. I know how he feels and how committed he really is to me and our relationship. We are not always together, we don't share a mailbox, and he doesn't do everything I want - and that's OK. Those things, while nice, are not proof of commitment or love - and I am lucky to be in a relationship where I don't have to rely on those things to feel secure.

All of us spend spend so much time and energy searching for this missing something in relationships. We think it needs to be marriage or family or living together or whatever. We convince ourselves that if we just take that one little (or big) step, we'll feel secure and sure of where things are, and where they are going. 

But that security, or those steps, are not what's missing. What's missing is communication. Once you find that, you realize it's the thing you've been searching for; that other stuff was just a substitute.

It's the one thing you really need.

Communication is everything. It's what's missing in most relationships, and when you find it, you realize that's what you really needed all along. 

My heart knows

So the "what are we" conversation happened. It wasn't totally planned, though I gave it a lot of thought beforehand. Mostly, it just happened.

It went fine, though a little unexpected. We sort of agreed to hold off and continue the conversation at a to-be-determined time - but also, agreed to keep communication open. He wanted a little time to think, which seemed fair.

Or, so my brain tells me.

My brain knows that there's no need to rush. In fact, it doesn't do any good anyway, because stuff is going to happen when it's going to happen and not a minute sooner (or later).

My brain also knows that if this doesn't go my way, it just wasn't meant to be, and that's OK. It opens up the door to something even more wonderful.

My brain even knows that I am very lucky to have met a great guy. No matter what, I learned the advantages of taking a little time to get to know a person. I learned a better way to value myself. I had the chance to put my feelings on the line again - and was reminded the world won't end when I do.

My brain is super smart. My heart? Not so much.

My heart has wondered a couple of times why I can't just have what I want, when I want, and how I want. My heart wonders why things can't just be simple. My heart wonders why it feels like it's being punished, when it did nothing wrong.

Rejection sucks. No matter how rational or well-adjusted you are, it stings to lose something, even if all you're really losing is the hope for something more. Doubt sucks, too - even when you know you'll have an answer soon, the wondering can mess with you, just a little.

My brain tells me I'm weak, for even thinking any of that. I disagree; I think it proves I'm strong. Strong enough to put myself out there. Strong enough to say what I want, and will accept, while still allowing someone to get close enough to know what I'm feeling. That takes some courage - courage I was never sure I had until now.

My brain may be super-smart - but my heart is strong as hell.

Regular communication

Believe it or not, the post called Actual conversation is a...well...actual conversation I had with this guy, who I thought was gone, but apparently, isn't. Not yet, anyway.

That was really just a snippet of a much longer conversation, which to me, seemed to take days, but in actuality, was more like a couple of hours. I get confused when things get serious and real and all relationship-y.

I won't recount the whole conversation - partly because some of it was really personal and partly because at one point I sort of zoned out and started mentally accessorizing my outfit for Engineer's wedding. I will share a bit more of the "we don't talk enough" part though, because it got me thinking.

One of our biggest obstacles to, you know, actually dating is this disappearing thing he does. We'll be texting one morning, and in what I consider to be the middle of a conversation, he just - Poof! - disappears. I might hear from him again later...or maybe not until the next day...or even for a few days, or even weeks. I may not hear from him again until I reach out to him.

The reality is, the fade out and fade in isn't what bothers me. I don't even need to speak with him every

day. The problem, at least for me, happens somewhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks.

Somewhere inside that time frame, not only does he disappear, so does my trust. When we do reconnect, in some ways, I feel like we have to start all over.

He thought that was stupid (he may have even used that word). At first I was a little insulted, but after I thought about it for a bit, I started to see his point.

I mean, I have friends that I don't speak with every day. But when we reconnect after a few days or weeks (or longer) it's not like we have to start from square one with our friendship.

The thing is, while a long absence might not end a friendship, it can certainly change one. If I talk to a friend every day, and then suddenly we don't talk for a month, when we reconnect, chances are our friendship will be different.

The big difference, of course, is that those friendships are strong enough to handle the absence. There's such a strong foundation that we're able to pick up right where we left off, no matter how long it's been since we last spoke. Even if our friendship has changed, there's still enough of a foundation for it to withstand the absence.

If a relationship isn't allowed to develop and get strong, it's much less likely to withstand that interruption. That's the problem with this guy - he wants the strength and trust without developing anything. He also wants me to understand his absence, without giving me a chance to get to know him.

That all seems...unrealistic to me. Or is that just another part of a relationship that I fail to understand?

Ten dating lessons I learned in 2013

In a lot of ways, 2013 sucked, at least when it came to dating. When I looked back over the guys that shaped the last 12 months, I thought, "Good grief." Then I decided to focus on things besides dating that shaped 2013. Much better.

But of course, this is a dating blog. You're not here to read about the raise I got at work, or the new direct sales adventure I started.

So rather than recap the guys, I decided to recap the lessons. Much less depressing.

♡ I want ridiculous love. By that, I mean I don't just want ordinary, "this will do" kind of love. I want a "knock my socks off" kind of love.

♡ I am a little afraid of commitment. Not because I don't want a relationship - because I don't want the wrong relationship. I believe that fear helps me move more slowly, and will ultimately help me recognize the right guy when he comes along.

♡ Some people will disappear from your life as quickly as they appeared. Sometimes they won't say goodbye. It doesn't make them a jerk. In fact, these people deserve forgiveness, not anger.

♡ I'm simply not meant to understand everything.

♡ It takes a lot of time and communication to really "get" a person. Knowing he wants a relationship or hates drama is only half the story. You still need to understand what those things mean to him. If you both define "relationship" differently, it won't matter how much you like one another.

♡ It's OK for me to define what I want, and not accept being treated poorly. It's not too much to expect common courtesy. I deserve to be treated well, and there's no reason to make room in my life for those who don't agree.

♡ Though I sometimes get a little lonely and a little sad, I know I'm better off on my own than I would ever be settling.

♡ I can date casually, but only for so long. I want long-term potential. To say otherwise is simply a waste of everyone's time.

♡ Boundaries are very important, especially when it comes to friendships with exes.

♡ I'm a pretty strong person. Someday, someone is going to be lucky he found me.

On hold

Another one of the "several" guys I've been seeing is actually one who's been around for a while. I haven't written about him much, except to once refer to him as a "booty call guy" only to later correct myself.

A few weeks ago, I helped him with a favor that required a small road-trip. On the way back, he was on the phone with his nephew, who asked who had helped him. He answered, "My good friend," and for just a minute, I felt like I'd been stabbed through the heart.

At that point, I realized I really need to make a change. I've let this casual relationship go on for almost five

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months, knowing full well that it can't ever be more. He's never led me on, or lied to me, or even disrespected me. He just isn't in a "relationship" place, and if someone is going to change him, it certainly isn't going to be me. I've known that all along.

We can't always control how we feel - only how we manage those feelings. For a while, I managed by convincing myself that I was OK with the casual thing. For a long while, I think I really was OK. I liked having someone to call, someone to hang out with, someone to have fun with. I had all the benefits, but none of the commitment or pressure that comes with a relationship.

So it occurred to me, that's what we really were all along - friends with benefits.

Realizing I was in imminent danger of breaking FWB Rule One (no feelings), I knew I needed to make a change. I avoided calling him until I knew I could have the conversation in a reasonable way, without being interrupted or having to rush.

A few days passed...then a week...and before I knew what was happening, it'd been two weeks since we even spoke. It occurred to me - I haven't heard from him, either.

I considered calling him this weekend. Then I realized that I would be calling him to tell him I need a break from seeing and talking to him - when we're clearly already on that break. Which reminded me a little of that cell phone plan commercial where the girl calls the guy to tell him she's not speaking to him.

I decided it's probably not necessary to preemptively break up with someone who is obviously not dating me. Doing so would appear to be a cry for attention (and mostly, that's exactly what it would be) and it would open up a can of worms I don't really want to handle.

The flip side is I feel a little guilty and a little immature, like I'm avoiding the "tough conversation." That also makes me feel a little hypocritical, being that I'm often complaining about people who date when they're not mature enough to have the difficult conversations.

I think (hope?) the difference here is that we were clearly never dating, and he has made his preference for not talking pretty obvious. If he called me, I'd be honest. But I don't think chasing him around with honesty he's not asking for is fair, or wise, or necessary.

I can't help but think about friendships I've had that, for one reason or another, faded away. There was no animosity and no argument, we simply grew apart and lost touch. Over the years, some of those friendships have resurfaced - either permanently, or for a short period of time. Others remain a treasured, but distant, memory.

It's kind of like the universe has sent these people to me, either when I needed them or they needed me - or we needed each other. Just because we come to a time when the need isn't there, doesn't mean the friendship is over. It's just on hold.

Perhaps that's what he's supposed to be... a relationship on hold until the timing is right again.

Since you asked...

I met a man who seems very interested in pursuing a relationship with me. He's nice, sweet, smart, with his act semi-together. He's attractive and funny, and we have a few things in common.

As I was processing this information the other day, it occurred to me I may need to rethink how committed I am to a full-blown relationship. Why? Since you asked...

• The idea that I might be giving up my booty-call guy (don't judge, he's adorable and very sweet and respectful) actually bothered me more than the idea of missing out on the relationship.
• I'm happy to have "the talk" - but didn't feel it was important enough to interrupt the season finalé of Criminal Minds.
• I have to Google how to spell the word "commitment" every single time I type it.
• I immediately began thinking of all the single activities I'd have to give up - and teared up a little.
• Immediately after that, I started coming up with excuses I was prepared to make to keep my single engagements...well, single.

In theory, I love the idea of a healthy, balanced, monogamous relationship. I just wonder if I'm cut out to be in one.

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