Call me crazy

Men throw around the word "crazy" to describe women all too often. I've said before, and I stand by my words, that if a man meets a lot of "crazy" women, it means either he himself is crazy (crazy attracts crazy), or he's the guy making them all crazy.

George Carlin once said,

"Here's all you need to know about men and women. Women are crazy, and men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy? Men are stupid." 

That goes back to the whole Mars and Venus thing, and how women don't understand men because men and women are so different. So a guy "being a guy" can drive a woman bonkers. Of course, the opposite is also true - a woman "being a woman" probably can drive a guy nuts.

So why don't women call men crazy? Because men don't react to a woman's "crazy" - they run away (that's stereotypical guy behavior - I realize it's not true of all men). When a guy is confusing or hurtful, women react; that reaction is what some guys refer to as "crazy."

And all women - every, single, one of us - has it inside of us to go "crazy." Our triggers are all a little different, and our level of crazy might change with experience or age - but it's there. Anyone who tries to tell you differently is either in denial, or trying to sell you something.

I know I have crazy in me. It came out during my divorce. Divorce is traumatic and awful and depressing and heartbreaking. I did and said a lot of stupid things. I'm just lucky that X forgave me. I'm also lucky that I didn't get arrested.

If I got that hurt now, would I react the same? I'm not sure. I'm older, a little wiser, definitely more mellow. I've been through heartbreak and didn't react poorly - but I haven't been in a fourteen year relationship that ended in such a dramatic way. So it's kind of hard to predict what I would do now, in that same situation.

I'd like to think I've matured past the crazy, but I am also sure I would have some reaction.

I've learned that, no matter what the woman's reaction, guys will often refer to her as crazy. As recently as last month, I had a conversation with a guy who said I was "buggin." I wasn't yelling, or swearing, or even raising my voice or being rude. I was expressing an opinion, and calling him out on some behavior I didn't like. In his mind, that was enough to make me crazy.

I am sure other men have done the same. Like the guy who wasn't interested, only to find out another woman had "mental issues" so he came back to me. I told him that I got the impression he wasn't interested in me, and he said I "thought it through too much." I'm sure he has thought to himself, "There goes another crazy one." I mean, if he could say the other woman is crazy, what would stop him from saying the same about me?

I guess the point is - we're all a little crazy. The trick is to find someone whose crazy compliments our own.

[Interesting side note: Both of those guys are former "bad boys" who are now substance abuse counselors. They say I'm crazy, but the dude I meet with once a month, who has an actual Ph.d assures me I am not.]

Mars, Venus, and jerks

"Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" 

The "most well-known, long-lived, tried-and-tested relationship guide ever" was published in 1992. I was eighteen years old. Back then, I naturally knew everything, so I had no need for a relationship guide.

It didn't take long for me to figure out that men and women do not, in fact, view anything the same way. If I was at all fuzzy on that fact, it would become crystal clear three years later when I moved in with my fiancé. We lived together for three years and we were then married for ten.

Trust me - I know men and women are worlds apart. In fact, I'm not even convinced Mars and Venus are different enough, but the title's sold millions, so there you go.

I've not read the book...but it seems to be quite quotable. The idea makes sense, and actually, not too long ago, a friend sent me a great video of Mark Gungor talking about the same idea - how men and women have trouble communicating because they don't see things the same.

If you've visited this little corner of the interwebz recently, you know I've had my struggles with communication, and dealing with men who don't act the way I'd like, or expect, or prefer, or whatever. It's happened several times.

Let me be the first to say, some of this has to be on me. I'm too impatient, too greedy, too needy, too selfish, too immature, too unreasonable - too something - in each of these cases. I could have handled any of these situations differently, and still be talking to, dating, friends with, or even in a relationship with any of these guys.

That's called compromise. Relationships are work. I totally get that. But here's the thing...

Found it here

None of these were "relationships" and none of them should require "work." At this stage, stuff should just work naturally, on its own. I should be able to just be who I am (which can be selfish, but also quite charming if I do say so myself), and the same goes for him. If a relationship is going to last, there will be plenty of time for us both to have to compromise and work at it down the road. A real relationship gets tougher, not easier - so if it's starts out tough, where's it headed? I am, quite simply, not interested in finding out.

I also believe that, regardless of where the communication breakdown started, if it falls apart that easily on something as simple as calling when you say you will - we're probably not a good match. If the guy was into me - he'd call. If I was into him - I'd be more flexible. It's that simple.

Which brings me back to the Mars vs Venus thing. I completely understand that men and women don't communicate the same way. However, it's one thing to be a guy (wanting to fix everything, wanting to avoid relationship talk) and another to be a jerk (canceling plans, not making plans in the first place, not calling).

All men are not jerks - and all jerks are not men. I realize some of what these guys are doing can be explained away by "well, he is a guy" - but not all of it is excusable. A lot of it just boils down to common courtesy - which should have been covered by their mom, or their dad, or their Kindergarten teacher. I'm not dating teenagers; these are grown men - they are established, with kids of their own (sometimes grand-kids even).

They are supposed to know better. I'm not supposed to have to teach them or train them how to behave or how to treat me. They're supposed to come already wired on how to treat a woman. If they don't - I'm just not interested.

If it's lessons they're looking for, they should date elsewhere. Of course, they could also feel free to read this blog.