Rejection isn't personal

No matter how you slice it, rejection is tough. Even when it's coming from someone you barely like, it stings.

When I think about it, I think rejection is one of the main reasons I rush with so many of the guys I meet. I rush so I can reject them, before they have a chance to reject me.

The truth is, rejection early on isn't personal. If someone rejects you after just a few dates, that has much more to do with him than it does you. After a while, though, that changes. At some point, a rejection has more to do with you - your personality, values, habits, etc - than him.

I've been on seven dates now with Turtle. They say ("they" being dating blogs that I can't remember right now, so you'll have to take my word that I read this somewhere) that if two people have not had sex by the fifth date, it will not happen. Turtle and I have only hugged - and that didn't happen until date six.

Without divulging the sordid, somewhat embarrassing details of my sex life, let's just say this is a first for me. After date five, I figured I'd been friend-zoned. When the hug happened, I thought perhaps it was just a buddy-hug. Then I thought, hey, if we're still making progress after the fifth date, perhaps this thing - whatever it is - just needs more time.

Unfortunately for me, in order to find out for sure, I can't rush. Well...I could. I could rush to the conclusion that we are just going to be friends, and move on to the next guy.

Normally, that's what I'd do. Turtle is on vacation for 10 days, and I seriously considered just seeing who else I could find while he's gone. There's a big part of me that thinks, even though we've progressed, we may just be moving forward in our friendship. But there's another part of me that thinks maybe that's what this needs - a friendship base, in order to grow into more.

Which is great. The problem is, by allowing our relationship - and my feelings - to grow, I run a risk of being rejected.

Not the impersonal, it's him, not me sort of rejection I would have had after date four, either. I'm talking about a full-on, four-alarm, rejection after a few months. A rejection that is all about me.

Talk about personal - and scary as hell.

What are you doing this weekend?

"What are you doing this weekend?"

Seems like a harmless question, right? I ask just about anyone this question, especially if we're chatting on a Friday.

A few weeks back I met a nice guy on Match. We struck up a conversation, and agreed to meet for dinner that Friday. I thought it went OK, but I wasn't convinced he was interested. I was pleasantly surprised when I heard from him the next day.

We continued talking all week, and the following Friday he texted me to say good morning, and that he was

I suppose that's one possibility.

sorry he hadn't texted the night before. He had gotten busy, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I didn't actually expect (or need) the explanation, but him giving it to me was, I thought, a sign he wanted to keep chatting. Plus, we were basically in the middle of a conversation (as much as you can be over text, anyway), so I was encouraged. It was a Friday morning, so I asked,

"What are you doing this weekend?"

I suppose it could have sounded like I was leading up to asking him out, or hinting that I wanted to ask him. Actually, neither was true, though I might have accepted an invite if one had been extended.

Turned out it wouldn't matter. This was about three weeks ago - and I haven't heard from him since.

I can understand not wanting to go out again. I can even understand (sort of) continuing to chat in case you weren't sure. I can absolutely understand not being sure what to say if you're not sure and you think you've been backed into a corner.

What's a little confusing is why a grown man would just disappear rather than just finishing a conversation - especially one he started.

Face to face rejection

I realized this weekend that I need to work on the face-to-face rejection. I have no problem telling someone that I'm just not that into him over the phone or in text {oh, how sweet it is when I can get away with that}, but when it comes to in-person - I choke.

Found it here

I do feel like it's either rude - especially after a date for which he's paid - or mean. But the truth is, I can get over being rude and mean. What I can't get over is the idea that it will turn into an embarrassing scene, or worse, he'll refuse to go away when the conversation is over.

On the phone, I have more control. If the conversation gets out of hand, I can just hang up. In person - and especially in public - I can't. Even walking away doesn't always work. Case in point - when Mr. Crazy-Pants approached me at the gym. He kept talking to me, and even though the conversation wasn't out of control, I still felt embarrassment. 

Honestly, there's also a safety concern. I don't want to sound all melodramatic, but the truth is - I have been in situations where I thought the guy might be less than a gentleman if he was rejected.

Sometimes, it's just easier to save-face in person, and then reject over the phone later.

But we all know the right thing to do is usually not the easy thing. It really only comes up if the guy is looking for confirmation of the next date before the current date ends. Sometimes guys don't ask {though I have met those that ask before the bill is paid - sneaky} and just wait until the follow-up phone call or text. I find this happens mostly if the guy is only a little interested in another date. If a guy is very interested, he will want to close the deal before saying goodbye.

A preemptive rejection isn't necessary - and that really would be mean. So, if the guy says something, I need to get better at replying with a nice, friendly, thanks, but no thanks. The truth is, embarrassment is my issue, not his, and safety is rarely a real concern. Sure I want to be courteous - but real courtesy is treating this person the right way, and being up-front if asked.

Of course, there will always be times when you just have to dive into your car head first to avoid an unwanted goodnight kiss. I don't think any of us should be too hard on ourselves - desperate times, desperate measures, and all.

Relationship marathon

Though I've worked for a sales organization for most of my career, I've never been a sales-person. I always thought I wouldn't be able to handle the rejection (sales people hear no a lot more than yes).

But the truth is - I can (and do) handle rejection quite often. I'm getting better at it, too.

It occurs to me that being rejected is a little like training for a race. The first time you run, you think you're going to die. This is it, this is the end. There's no way I'll survive.

But you don't die - so you try again. After a while, you start to realize that not only are you not dying - it's actually getting easier.

You're building up endurance - or in the case of rejection, a tolerance.

The problem with that tolerance is that sometimes, part of it comes from an increasing sense of apathy. In order to manage the rejection, your heart and mind have gotten together and shut down those parts that allow people to get close.

Which is great - rejection doesn't hurt anymore! But that's a double-edged sword - you're numb to the rejection so you can't be hurt, but in order to be numb, you can't find the relationship you want.

When you're training for a race, as things become easier, the right thing to do is push yourself a little harder. Increase your speed, or your distance, or make the course a little harder. Once you hit the level where you don't feel any pain, it's time for a new challenge.

That's the only way to get the desired result. If you're training for a marathon, you can't stop when a 5K is no longer challenging - you'll never run the 26.2.

I suppose the same is true in dating. Once you can handle certain scenarios, you have to open yourself up to something more. Push yourself a little more; find a new challenge. Prove to yourself that you can handle the ultimate rejection, so that your heart and mind are ready for the ultimate triumph.

Finding a relationship isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. You're either in it for the long haul - or you're not really in it at all.

I meant what I said

I was talking to Baking Suit about this guy the other day.

"I just don't get it," I said. "I told him I liked guys to be upfront. I wish men would realize that when we say we want him to be upfront, that's not just about what color flowers he'd like at the wedding. We mean about everything - including if he's not interested."

When I meet someone new, one of the first things I tell him is that I'm an upfront person, and I appreciate (and prefer) the same from the person I'm dating.

Those aren't just words. I don't speak just to hear myself talk. I mean what I say - and I say what I mean.

I realize that dating is a game. But the truth is...the game changes when you're older, and you come back to dating after a divorce - or even after you've been single for a while.

At some point, you find yourself not interested in playing games. Whether it's because you know there are more important ways to spend your energy, or you just feel like you don't have time to waste, eventually you just don't want to play anymore.

I'm at that point.

When I tell someone I prefer he be honest, I mean completely. Don't pretend to like me just because you think it's what I want to hear. Don't play hard to get because you think it will keep me interested. Don't try to string me along in case your something better doesn't work out.

All you're doing is wasting my time - and yours.

My happy ending

Christmas Eve was a very, very difficult day for me. New Year's Eve was incredibly good. It's amazing how much difference a week (and a good friend) can make.

Let me back up...

Earlier this month, I met a guy. We'll call him Billy. We met on Plenty of Fish on a Monday, and had dates 1 & 2 that week. Then...things fizzled. He didn't really have time for me, kept canceling plans, blowing me off, etc.

I pressed (I know, shocking, right?) and he admitted that he has some drama in his life that limits his time and money for going out. Then he finally fessed up to some other things from his past, that he felt I should know before things "went any further" between us.

I wasn't bothered by the past, as he assumed I would be. I was a little bothered by the fact that he wasn't more upfront, but it wasn't a deal-breaker for me. I told him so - and I told him that what is a deal-breaker for me is being treated well, and both of us wanting the same thing.

We went back and forth, and agreed to continue seeing each other - but it really didn't feel right to me. Baking Suit has wisely told me in the past that if something makes my "tummy feel funny," I should probably listen. She's so wise.

Then, everything changed....

On Christmas Eve, X came by my house to exchange Chrismas presents. We got to talking, and I shared a little bit about Billy with X. His feeling was that all the blow offs and excuses meant that Billy isn't interested but doesn't know how to say so. It's certainly possible that he does like me, can't give me what I want, but wants to keep me on the hook just a little bit.

Of course, X stressed that these things are Billy's issue, not mine, and I shouldn't take it personally or to heart.

Of course, I'd already taken it personally and to heart, and was crying my eyes out. [I felt bad too - my present for X wasn't worth him listening to me carry on, but listen he did. What a good guy.]

He may not have realized it, but X made a huge difference that night. X reminded me that I have a lot to offer, and that if a guy (including himself) was willing to let me walk away, then he doesn't deserve me. He also let me cry. Then talk. Then cry some more.

I wasn't really upset about Billy. I was upset because I felt I'd done so much, made so many positive changes, really knew what I want - and here I was, being played by a guy when I felt I should have known better.

I was reminded of a quote from He's Just Not That Into You - at the end, GiGi tells us,

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it; the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

X left late on Christmas Eve, once he was satisfied I was as good as I was going to get. When I woke up, it was Christmas Day. Two of my favorite little people in the whole world were in my living room tearing through gifts.

My house was full of hope and faith and belief in good things. It was full of smiles and laughter and thoughtful words from a good friend.

I decided then and there that my happy ending would come from moving on - and that it was starting that very moment.

Already fabulous

It takes time to rebuild your self-esteem, especially after a rejection. No one is perfect, and even though we may tell ourselves that the other person's opinion didn't matter - it did. It's always an ego boost when someone tells you you're beautiful, or that he's happy you're in his life, or that he can't wait to see you. Anyone who says those things don't make her feel good is lying - either to you, or to herself.

Let that ego-boost go on for a little while, and then take it away. I don't care how strong your self-esteem is - it'll take a major hit.

Your friends will try to help. They'll say things like, "It's his loss," or "You're way too fabulous for him!"

Bless their hearts. You know they mean well....but at first, you won't be ready to hear it. It sounds a little contrived, like it's just something to say. They're your friends, so of course they're rooting for you to feel better. You love them for that - so don't you dare get upset with them.

In fact - even if you're not ready to hear all that positive mumbo-jumbo just yet - don't discount it. Store it away. Maybe write it down. Eventually, hearing someone say...

I don't think you're easy to leave. That's why the guys stick around, even after they know they should probably end things. You're just too fabulous to walk away from, until they know they don't have a choice....

will mean so much more to you than doubting yourself or questioning your own worth. It'll mean that, no matter what he came to think, you are fabulous. If you weren't, this absolutely phenomenal person would not be sitting in Panera with you, watching you cry in your soup, while she says these wonderful things. She just wouldn't.

Eventually, you will start to realize that he didn't make you fabulous - you already were fabulous. He didn't make you into the person who attracted him in the first place - he was just a great reminder of how great you already were.

You will be that great again. Actually - you already are. You just need to find a way to remind yourself.

Choose you

A while back, I posted an open invitation for guest posts. Sarah responded with this post about disappointing relationships, finding yourself esteem, and choosing to love yourself. 

Fabulous. 

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We all know certain things when we are in a relationship. We know what makes us unhappy, lonely, anxious, jealous, angry, disappointed and what makes us feel threatened. We focus on these things – hypersensitive to them even – and as soon as we feel one of these feelings creeping in – BLAMO! We’re in crisis. And it’s someone else’s fault….right?

Maybe not all of us…maybe just me.

I was 16 years old when I met W .. he was terrible to me, cheated all the time, drank all the time, spent hours and hours playing video games and ignoring me. We would argue – break up – and I would find myself begging for him to stay with me. Why?

At 18 I had my first baby, at 19 my second…we were married when I was 21 – my 3rd baby came one year later. My self esteem had yet to be born.

The cycle continued consistently. I did that for 11 years.

Eventually I decided that I should love myself, make myself  happy. I took control. I filled my time with learning new things – and finding adventure. I did things I always told myself I couldn’t.

I was a divorced single mother of 3, and although I had the most life altering year ever it was the very best thing that ever happened (other than my children, of course).

When you look inward and choose yourself – when you decide that you are worth happiness – you are truly free.

After about a year and a half I met M – best compliment to my life – he helps me smile when I find it hard to do myself., we’ve been married now for 4 years.

I’ve learned that feeling crisis, and all of the craziness that comes with it – is my choice. I may not have control over other people, how they feel, act, respond – but I can change the way I feel about it – and where I let it touch MY life.

BE HAPPY. CHOOSE YOU.

Part of the game

I talk a lot about meeting guys, and the dates I do (and don't) go on. What works - and what doesn't. What keeps me (or them) coming back for more. What's funny is, I rarely talk about the the thing that happens most often.

When I get rejected.

I couldn't even count the number of guys I've "met" online (with whom I've exchanged emails or chats). The number of guys I've met in person is much smaller; and the number with whom I've had more than one date is very easy to count.

Without actually counting, I'd guess that for every guy who writes me back, I've probably sent ten emails - maybe more. Most go unanswered; now and then, I'll get a "thanks, but no thanks" response from that guy who thinks it's "polite." Very few guys will approach me first - most that do would not be a good match for me.

I usually chalk it up to the guys don't think I'm pretty, or because I'm a "curvy girl." The truth is - that could be the reason, but there's no way to know for sure. That kind of rejection can be a huge hit to one's ego - which is why I say your self-esteem should be in tact before you even attempt meeting anyone.

Friends have asked me over and over, how I do this without getting discouraged. When I first started, it really bothered me. A lot. The truth is, it still does sometimes. If I have a bad day, and nothing is going right, the last thing I need is for one more rejection. I cry; I get upset; and I announce that I've giving up.

Then I remember a lesson I learned not that long ago. We don't meet people by accident; everyone in our life is here for a reason. If someone isn't finding his way into my life, that must mean he has nothing to add. My job isn't to understand or to control or to fix; my job is to trust, to hold my head high, and move on.

Dating is supposed to be fun. Rejection is just part of the game.