No excuse

I read a few blogs by "relationship experts." While I don't think anyone can really be an expert in relationships, sometimes a different perspective is interesting. I don't always agree with what they say, but what do I know, anyway?

But this atricle Men look for sex and find love.... deserves a pause.

"Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”."

OK. Just. Stop. Listen, I'm a 40-year-old woman whose motto is "boys have cooties." I know all about gender stereotypes. Women are crazy, men are stupid, etc, etc. Stereotypes exist for a reason - and they are often true. No one gets that more than I.

But living up (or in this case down) to a stereotype isn't an excuse. Being a woman does not excuse me from being crazy - and being a man does not excuse someone from being a jerk.

Mr. Katz points out that men who want a real relationship also want sex, plain and simple. So what's a guy to do?

"How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?"

Newsflash: Women are exactly the same. Some may want a real connection, but in that moment - pardon the bluntness - just want to get laid.

It doesn't make anyone bad, or wrong. It makes everyone, men and women alike, human.

So what's a guy to do? He should be upfront. He should tell the woman his true interests and intent as far as his "relationship" with her is concerned. How's that going to go over? Well, some women will get pissed off. Some will be hurt. Some just might want the same, and everyone is happy.

Instead, men "say nothing and hope you don't get too attached." Or, they say what they think you want to hear, so they keep getting sex.

Those are both strategies to protect that guy's future comfort and happiness. Which is understandable. It's also the exact opposite of living in the moment.

"Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with."

Listen, I've already shared a bit about my feelings on AFF. Are there skeezy men out there? Sure. I bet there are skeezy women, too.

But at least it's honest. They want sex without commitment, and say so right upfront. There's no game, no illusion. No one is being misled.

No-strings-attached sex might not be for everyone. Some might find it empty, or unfulfilling, or just plain gross. But there's nothing skeezy about being honest.

Think about it: Who would you rather meet? The guy who just wants sex...and tells you he just wants sex. Or, the guy who just wants sex...and buys you dinner and flowers and says you're amazing and he can't wait to see you again - and then just stops calling one day, when he senses you've become too attached.

Men may "live in the moment" when it comes to things like where they put their car keys, or how late they are for dinner. That's a stereotypical guy thing, and that's fine.

But when a guy plans a strategy to have casual sex, and plans a way to let himself off the hook when his mark falls for his lie, that isn't "just being a guy."

That's being an asshole - and being a guy is no excuse.

Dating coach

I'm one of those people who changes purses and jackets often. As a result, I'm constantly finding pocket-size information that was stuffed somewhere and forgotten.

This morning I found a business card for a Dating Coach who passed out information at a speed dating event I attended. I never spoke with her, but I remember noticing a few people hanging around at the end to talk with her.

I got to thinking... I wonder what a dating coach would say to me?

The thing that probably frustrates me most with dating is meeting people who want something very different from what I want. No matter how great a guy might seem, if you want different things, it just won't work.

What might a coach say about that? I think she'd suggest that I need to be upfront about what I want, and not settle for guys who want any less. I agree - but I find that challenging.

What I want is a relationship - but, I shy away from saying so because men often think that means a woman wants a relationship right that second.

While I do want a relationship, I do not want to rush right into one. I want to meet someone with potential for long-term, get to know him, see if we have a connection, and continue dating and allow that connection to grow, hopefully into something long-term.

But, if I say that, a guy will stop listening after, I don't want to rush into a relationship. He hears that and thinks he's hit the jackpot - a woman who wants the "benefits" of a relationship without the commitment. Of course, he agrees that he "wants the same" - when really he doesn't. What I end up with is a relationship based on a misunderstanding, which goes about as well as you'd expect.

So, I can't say that, either. Which is fine, I'm not looking to mislead or confuse anyone. My problem is if honesty doesn't work, I'm stumped. It made me wonder what a dating coach might suggest.

Then I wondered...what might you suggest?

Acceptable lies

While looking for a photo to go with my post about drinking habits, I came across this post from The Daily Dot. The author, Beth Cook, is a Dating Coach (I wonder if she's an expert, too). She's also a little bit of a liar, apparently. Or, at least she gives permission to others to lie.

I agree with some of what she says.

For some odd reason, certain online daters feel the need to share bad things about exes. “I like outdoorsy girls. My ex-girlfriend wasn't interested in hiking and camping.” Oh, really? Is that why you two broke up? Of course not, unless you permanently live off the land. No need to talk about past relationships (including marriages), or really any past experiences. Get into the present and write about what you want now.

*Exception to the above rule: Your past may have led to children. In that case, you should mention them. It’s creepy if you don’t.

If you prefer an "outdoorsy girl" definitely say so. Do you need to mention the bit about the ex? No - but that's not really a lie, either. Also, it is definitely creepy if you have kids and don't mention them. Super creepy.

I don't agree that it's OK to lie about your height, weight, or only show photos from the waist up. I get what she's saying (best foot forward and all), but I believe your best foot includes working with what you've got. I'm a curvy girl, and I would never not post that on a dating profile. What good is that doing? If a guy knows he's only attracted to thin women, I'm just wasting his time - and mine.

[PS - How dare anyone suggest that in order for a curvy girl to put her best foot forward, she needs to hide her body?]

Ms. Cook also said it's OK to lie about vices.

Are you a twice a week social smoker or a once a month marijuana dabbler? Forget about it. Even people who are super-anti whatever mild vice this might be for you probably won't care if you do it only occasionally or only with certain friends. I wouldn't worry about describing your substance habits unless they are excessive. Your date probably behaves the same way.

NO she doesn't behave the same way, and YES she does want to know if you "dabble" in anything, especially if it's illegal where she lives. To some of us - and our jobs - this sort of information is deal-breaking. I wonder if Ms. Cook will pay my mortgage when I lose my job because my next date gets me arrested for possession because it was OK to forget to mention his intense cocaine habit?

Of course it takes time to share everything about your life with someone. No one does that upfront. I'll tell you I'm divorced before we've ever met, but it might be a while before I share all the details about what happened.

But if I don't even mention I've been married before? That's uncool.

Lying is a time-waster. It's not up to anyone to decide what is and is not a deal-breaker for others. Your job isn't to get inside your potential date's head; your job is to show off who you are, and let the right date find you.

Be an expert on yourself

My biggest pet peeve with relationship experts is they seem mostly concerned with teaching people how to find someone who wants to be with them. How to dress and act; what to say, and where to go, all to attract someone else.

Which - I get. That's what most people want help with - finding, attracting, and keeping the person.

I guess there's a part of me that wishes people were less concerned with meeting someone and more concerned with meeting the right one.

It's like the message is that our only real standard should be that a guy want us. Like what we want doesn't even matter, so don't bother trying to figure that out.

I don't think people need to consult relationship experts, or even become relationship experts.

I think we need to become an expert on ourselves.

Once you know yourself, I think the right person is just around the corner.

Can anyone really be a relationship expert?

I've been attending tele-seminars offered by Pre-Dating.com. The first Tuesday of each month they host a free conference with a different speaker, talking on a variety of relationship topics.

Derek Jeter and Shemar Moore (aka Derek Morgan)
It's a Derek Collage! For this, I could hang in there.

I'm going to be honest - I don't always get a lot out of the calls. First, they drag on a bit, and my attention span is pretty short. Unless it involves shoes, jewelry, or one of my favorite Dereks, I really only have about an hour before my mind starts to wander.

But...for attending the seminars, you get a coupon code for 50% off a pre-dating (speed dating) event. Since I've been wanting to try one, I really wanted a code. When there's money involved, I can pay attention a little longer.

I think the tele-seminars are a great idea - but there is one problem. Most of these "experts" are authors - books, articles, blogs, etc. When someone is a talented writer - often he is not a talented speaker.

It's tough to listen to a bad speaker (and don't even get me started on when the open it up to questions from the public - horrible). It's even tougher to listen to a pompous, condescending know-it-all.

So last week's call was particularly tough. The speaker was Roy Biancalana. His website says he's a "Certified Relationship Coach" (which, it seems, is fairly easy to become). I'm sure he's a great guy, and he did tell a little of his personal story.

Of course, he also said at one point he was "having sex twice a day. I'm not sure if any of you guys can match that." Really? I think he may have been trying to point out that a passionate relationship is not necessarily a fulfilling one - but mostly he just sounded full of himself.

I listened to enough of the questions to hear him advise a single mom with a 13 year old that maybe she didn't want to bring up she was a mom on a first date. He then went on to say, "If you hang in there, you'll find someone who wants to be with you, even though you're a mom." That's a huge pet-peeve of mine - I don't think "someone who wants to be with me" should be anyone's goal when looking for a date. It should be "someone I want to be with."

But I'm no expert - and, according to him, he is. I have a tough time seeing how anyone could really be an "expert" in something that involves human emotions and experience. Can anyone really know all there is to know about something that is ever-changing and unique?

Freedictionary.com defines "expert" as:

A person with a high degree of skill in or knowledge of a certain subject. Having, involving, or demonstrating great skill, dexterity, or knowledge as the result of experience or training.

By this definition, I suppose a person is an expert on relationships if he has studied relationships and personalities, and has developed knowledge that is beyond common sense. As long as we're willing to say that a person is an expert simply because he knows more than some.

Maybe. He's still pompous though.

*I didn't receive any compensation for this post. I plugged the site pre-dating.com because I have found it to be useful. I plugged Roy Biancalana's site because I figured it was the least I could do, after being critical.