Two pairs

Remember when Trooper took me to Engineer's wedding? He asked me to relay a funny story concerning that wedding. I have a particularly tough post I'm working on (tough to publish, not write), so I figured I'd do this instead.

When I asked Trooper to the wedding, I did not know he was dating anyone. It turns out, he was, and she was someone he'd known previously. Which means the two of them were already connected on Facebook. Which also means she knew he and I used to date, knew my name from his posts, and knew we were still friends.

She texted him that night and asked what he was doing (I believe she wanted to know why he hadn't asked to see her). He was honest and said he was at a wedding. This was not a satisfactory answer. After a little more interrogation, during which she actually asked if he was with me, he admitted he was my "plus one."

I actually felt a little bad. Honestly, had I known he was dating someone and going with me would cause a problem, I would never have asked. Trooper assured me it was not an issue, that was just her personality.

Turns out, her personality includes a lil' crazy.

Apparently, not long after, she ended things. Among other reasons, she was upset he'd taken me to the wedding. At that point, Trooper decided meeting women online wasn't for him. He deleted his dating profiles and decided to give up.

Within a week, he attended a party for an old friend and ran into a former coworker. They've been dating for several months.

Trooper told me that he credits our friendship, and his taking me to that wedding, with bringing him together with this new person, who he really likes. Talk about irony.

He also admitted that now, he owes me two pairs of shoes.

Not the girlfriend

So, Engineer is getting married next month (yay!). He invited me with a "plus one." At first, I wasn't going to bring a date. Going solo wouldn't bother me. I'd just chat and make friends with my table-mates.

But it's a formal affair, with dinner and dancing - and no one I know. The more I thought, the more I felt it might be more fun with a date.

The thing is - I'm not at the "wedding date stage" with anyone at the moment (remember - timing is everything). It would be relationship suicide for me to invite someone who might not show up, anyway. If you think I'm tough on people who cancel on me, you don't want to see what I'd do to someone who canceled on my friend.

So - I invited Trooper.

For those keeping track, or if you're new around here - yes, I'm taking a guy I used to date to the wedding of another guy I used to date.

The thing is- Trooper will be a great date. He'll be on time, he looks absolutely phenomenal in a suit (and knows to wear one). He'll open doors, pull out chairs, and help me with my coat. He's met Engineer, and is super-fun at a party. He might even dance with me.

He even responded to the invitation perfectly. He thanked me for inviting him, and said he'd love to go. No one is ever that enthusiastic about hanging out with me - and definitely not for something like a wedding.

I thought to myself, wouldn't it be nice to meet a guy who would respond that way? I mean, one who wants to date me. They're never that nice.

Then it occurred to me - that's probably one of the main reasons Trooper was so cool. It's not a "date" since we're just friends. No date means no pressure. Since I'm not his girlfriend, he's free to say no. That freedom makes everything more pleasant.

Of course, dating takes away some of that freedom. A guy who is in a relationship feels obligated to say yes, to keep his girlfriend/wife happy. But what does that say about dating? That it's a series of unpleasant obligations, done so that you don't have to meet new people?

What about my hope, to meet The One? A guy who will be nice to me, even when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want? I'd have better luck finding a leprechaun to lead me to his pot of gold.

I suppose there is always the possibility that nice guys exist. Even when we dated, Trooper was a good guy (but don't tell him I said so).

If I found one, perhaps another isn't too much to ask.

Friend zone

I see a lot of men online who are just looking for friends...or who want to date but nothing serious...or who just want to "see where it goes."

I get the point. You enter online dating feeling like you just want to meet the first person who makes sense and settle down into a relationship. After a while, you realize that does not work. You get to a point where you really just want love and romance to happen naturally. You're still meeting people online - hey, it can't happen naturally if it never gets started - but you want to make sure it's clear you won't be rushing into a relationship. You want to give yourself time and space to allow feelings to happen and develop - and freedom to move on if they don't.

It would be great if no one felt they had to make that clear. It should go without saying that's how dating  works. Unfortunately, in the world of online dating, it doesn't. People easily leap to the conclusion that

Found it here

just because you're talking, that means you're dating. If you go out to dinner, they're ready to start picking out China patterns and baby names.

Some people take it too far, though. [By "people" I of course mean men, but that's only because I only have experience dating men. I'm sure women are just as guilty] By just messaging now and then (maybe once or twice a week) and keeping it superficial (How's your week going? How was your weekend?) it's very hard to make any sort of a connection.

If you're not connecting, you always have at least one foot in the dreaded friend zone.

Don't get me wrong - I know some people truly are looking for friendship, and that's cool. I also know sometimes people do this because after the initial conversation (or maybe even a first meeting) they prefer to just be friends.

I'm talking about people who want more - and want a chance to get to know this person better to see if they want more with her - but still hold back. It's like they're resisting saying or doing what they really feel because they figure it'll make them seem more interested than they want (even if that's how interested they really are), so they keep their steps in check.

I understand not wanting to get hurt. I understand not wanting to settle. I understand not wanting to rush into anything, or feel pressure (or pressure someone else). I also understand not wanting to become "just friends" with someone when you're feeling more. I understand wanting a relationship.

Seems to me there's a better answer than going to either extreme. There's no rule that says you have to either jump in without looking, or sit on the shore without even getting your feet wet. Not everything has to be a big leap; there is something to be said for taking small steps.

After all, if you want love to do its thing and "happen naturally," at some point you have to get out of the way - and let it happen.

NaBloPoMo - Friends with exes

Today's writing prompt is...

Do you remain friends with exes after you break up?

I'm pretty sure we covered this territory before. If we haven't, the fact that I'm constantly referring to advice from X and Engineer should be a hint that I remain friends with exes.

Not all exes, though.

For instance - Big and I don't speak. I think he was pretty annoyed when he found this blog, though we spoke a few times after. The truth is, I haven't seen him in person since the day we broke up (almost 2 1/2 years ago). We are still friends on social media (twitter, facebook, etc.) but we never interact.

I'd like to say it's because we have nothing in common, or that we were too in love to stay friends, or that our friendship just didn't develop enough strength.

But that wouldn't be true.

The truth is...I wasn't mature enough to stay friends with Big. He's a good man. He may have used poor judgment, but whatever he did, it wasn't any worse than some things that have been done to me since. Love is tough, and relationships are difficult. I didn't realize that what he did was...well...kinda normal. I had a lot to learn, and in the meantime, it cost me a friend. Truly my loss.

They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Those who come for a reason are here to teach us something, or serve a purpose. Those who come for a season are here to get us through a difficult time, or maybe enhance a happy time. Once the purpose or the time is met, that person leaves our life. It may feel sad, but it truly is something for which we should be grateful. Life sent us that person to bring the help we needed - like a guardian angel.

Those who are meant to be in our lives for a lifetime - well, they don't ever leave. Their role might change (from lover to friend, for example) but they'll always be there. For this, we should also be grateful. A forever-friend is truly a blessing.

It's true that X, Trooper and Engineer have each come and gone and come back to my life in their own way and time, but I think the fact that they found their way back is what shows they are forever friends. I guess Big was a season for me. He taught me a lot; and I am forever grateful.

(There are also exes who just simply don't deserve friendship - either because they were jerks, or they weren't around long enough for a true friendship to develop. But that's a different post.)

Perfect storm

I've talked about this before, but this is one of those issues that you can come at from all sorts of angles. Men and women - can they really be just friends?

Let's just say a perfectly happy couple meets a single guy. They all have things in common, including kids about the same age and in the same neighborhood, so they hit it off right away. Over time, they develop a close friendship.

But what if the single guy starts to develop a stronger connection with the woman? I think if the marriage remains healthy, that's fine. I also think it's fine if the husband knows that the friendship is there, and all three understand the boundaries.

But any marriage can hit a rough spot at any time. So what if the marriage hits a rough patch at the exact same time the single-guy's friendship with the wife takes off on its own?

Don't get caught in the rain.

That's like the perfect storm of trouble.

I've said before - there are no rules when it comes to relationships. Every person is different, so every couple is different - and that means every relationship is, too. But just like anything else, there are fundamentals that always apply: Communication is key, trust is an absolute requirement - and a suffering relationship needs to be nurtured, not undermined.

It's one thing to complain to your girlfriends about an inconsiderate husband, or how you wish he was more romantic. They'll empathize, and let you sort through your feelings.

But complaining to a guy-friend? Without even realizing it, he may start to shadow your view of your husband with his own "take." That's especially true if he has his own feelings about love, marriage - or you.

I absolutely think men and woman can have healthy, platonic friendships. I even think that's possible when one (or both) of them is in a romantic relationship. I think the trick is to not only set boundaries, but pay attention to how the needs of your relationship may change as you go through ups and downs.

After all, we can handle most any storm. The trick is to be prepared, and know what you need to protect yourself.