Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
It took some doing - a love cleanse, a few bad dates, and a guy who wouldn't go away - but I did find someone who makes me very happy. It turns out, it doesn't show up the way you expect, or when you're looking. Happiness shows up on its own terms - not yours.
I've learned to be okay with that. Things really do happen the way they're meant to happen. Once you learn to trust that, it seems things do start to fall into place.
So, for 2012, I resolve to keep on accepting. I resolve to keep on enjoying, and learning more about Trooper - and about myself.
I resolve to shine.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
On Christmas Eve, Trooper and I had a couple of different plans that sort of got squished together, time-wise. I have to admit - I panicked a little.Turns out, I'm not very good at mixing my schedule and priorities with someone else's. I texted Baking Suit, and thankfully, she was able to talk me off the ledge.
Trooper had something he wanted to do in the afternoon - which meant we had to go to a later church service, which meant we'd be a few minutes late for dinner with my friend's family. I was worried, too, because I wanted to change my outfit. Sounds stupid, I know, but I didn't feel my best in what I was wearing. I needed a boost of confidence, since I was introducing Trooper to new people - and two of them are my ridiculously-pretty friends.
But all of that was my concern - not his. I had myself all worried about silly stuff, and I was missing out on the good stuff, like enjoying time with Trooper, and what he wanted to do. I let myself get wrapped up in the idea that what I was worried about was more important than his worries - like who was winning the game.
In the end, I calmed myself down, and it all worked out. I reminded myself that just because we don't have the same priorities, doesn't mean mine are right. It means we're different, and dating isn't about figuring out how to get him to take on my priorities.
It's about learning to take on each other's.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I'm not really sure why I've been thinking about it so much - maybe because I've been buried in address and gift labels for weeks now. But I've been thinking a lot about labels, and their affect on people.
It turns out, Trooper and I have "labels" - of the official variety. I told myself that just because I was given a title, that doesn't mean I'm going to act any differently. I mean - why should it, right? No matter what name we give it, what we're talking about is a two-month old relationship that is going really well, and makes me very happy.
I believe where we are, and how we feel, is what should dictate our behavior - not the names we assign.
But I'll admit - since we started throwing the titles around, I've found myself...feeling a little different. Like, I have new roles and responsibilities - and rights. I caught myself the other day, when I was about to assume myself into his schedule - but I yanked myself back before it was too late. Phew.
It seems silly to me, not to mention unfair. I think one of the reasons things have been going so well is they have developed naturally. Nothing between us is forced or manufactured; that's why it works.
If I let myself get caught up in labels, I'll make assumptions, and set expectations. Basically, all that ease and comfort will start to unravel.
It got me thinking - is this why some people are so afraid to take that next step? Are people afraid that making something official is the beginning of the end? I've heard people use that as a reason to not get married; that marriage "changes things." I always wondered, "How?" How can just naming the relationship change it?
Maybe because we get so caught up in what we think the label should mean, we forget to just be ourselves? We get so focused on what we think people expect, we forget to just be true to our own feelings?
There's no way I'll be perfect. I know I'll slip and give into the expectations now and then. But I'm grateful I'm seeing this now, and hopeful I can remain true to myself and my own feelings.
After all - we know how I feel about other people's rules.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I used to think that was true. In fact - I used to have a real problem with X having a female friend. That ended badly; and isn't really the subject of this post.
Nowadays, I do think that men and women can be just friends. I have quite a few male friends. As it turns out, the ones to whom I'm closest are usually guys I once dated (or, you know, married then divorced).
I guess that's because that whole pesky sex-thing is out of the way; we've been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. It's not a lingering issue that stands between us and an honest, platonic friendship.
When I first started dating, I never thought I'd be okay with my significant other having friends of the opposite sex - and I certainly never would have imagined I'd be okay with exes. At first - I wasn't. I would worry and fret (and yes, facebook stalk), constantly thinking I was about to have the rug pulled out from underneath me - again.
I recently discovered that I no longer feel that way. Well, not as much, anyway. Trooper has plenty of female friends. Some are exes; and some are friends with whom he spends time. When I first found out, I thought I'd be bothered; I expected to be worried, feel insecure, and maybe even get a little mad.
I was surprised when that didn't happen.
I was so surprised that I actually asked a couple of trusted friends if they thought I was being crazy for not being upset. They assured me I was not.
Apparently, this is what happens when you're secure enough in yourself, sure of what you want, and you're in an open and honest and healthy relationship (at any stage).
Huh. Go figure. Here I thought it was all just a myth.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
- I know I sent that email...
- I'll be ready in five minutes...
- Oh, your baby is adorable!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Unfortunately, it's just something you have to get used to when you're doing the online-dating thing. You scour profiles, find the perfect person and it seems like you're their perfect person. You spend hours crafting the perfect email - the right balance of smart, witty and fun, only to be met with....
It happens; it's all a part of the game.
Read about it over at Singles Warehouse.
Monday, December 12, 2011
That's what my friend said to me the other day. My poor friends - they're never sure what they're getting themselves into when they ask for my advice.
Specifically - what's the time-frame for first kisses - and beyond?
Personally, I'm torn on this issue. I've said before, I don't really follow "rules." I think sometimes, we need to do what feels right - and write our own rules.
Relationships involve people - and people are unique. You can have all the rules you want, but things will play out differently with every new date, because the players are different. You might be a strictly 3-dates-before-a-kiss kind of girl - until you meet that one guy who is a game-changer.
Now, I've never been one to wait for a kiss - or much else, for that matter. Does that mean I run around sleeping with every guy I meet? No. But it does take an awful lot for a guy to get to date number two. Sometimes, that means things can move quickly - sometimes it doesn't.
It depends on the guy. I write a new set of rules with each one.
"Why is it we're willing to write our own vows, but not our own rules?" Sex and the City
Friday, December 9, 2011
I'm pretty proud of this blog, and the fact that people have approached me more than once for advice, insight, perspective - and the occasional giggle, even if it's at my expense sometimes. Hey - I'm here to help. I mean yeah, the fame and fortune is nice and all... (Kidding.)
Anyway, just thought I'd mention that Girl's Got Shine was Blogger's Blog of Note on Wednesday, December 7, 2011!
Check it out, and while you're at it, check out the other Blogs of Note. There are lots of terrific little corners of the interwebz.
And if you're new here because you found me on that page - welcome! There's plenty of shine to go around.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Then this morning, I guess ABC was talking about it on a morning show, and a friend texted to tell me about it. Her question was, "Why is this news?"
That's what I said. Because, let's face it - this girl didn't invent anything.
I've joked before that I've gone on dates when I'm short on grocery money. Now, I've never set up a system, and gone out with men purely for that purpose - but I have agreed to a date when I was less than interested, simply because I really couldn't afford to buy food that week.
Is that awful? Maybe. Bad for my karma? I'm sure. But original? Most definitely not.
Neither is the concept that men take women out on expensive dates because they're
When I go on a date, whether it's the first or the fifth, I go with an open mind. If I meet a guy and I know there's no chemistry, I wouldn't continue to see him. On the flip-side, when I meet a guy I really like, I call it off with everyone else, even if it means I have to eat ramen noodles for a week.
Maybe that's where I differ from Ms. Manhattan-on-a-budget. But I still don't think I am in a position to judge her (and really, neither is anyone else). While what she did might seem hurtful over over-the-top to some, the truth is, we've all done something while we're dating that others might find questionable.
If you're single and dating, there's always a chance you'll give more than you get, make a bad decision, hurt someone whether it's intentional or not.
That's just the price of doing business.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
There are a million signs that a guy isn't into you. There are also less obvious signs that he is into you. My problem has always been reading the darn signs. I misinterpret and misunderstand when I'm forced to guess or wonder or try to read between the lines.
I'm getting all kinds of signs from Trooper. Signs that I think (and hope) mean that he is into me.
- I once read that spending all your time at his place is a sign he's not into you - which, I suppose, means that spending time at your place means he is. Following this logic, I was pretty happy when Trooper made an effort to hang at my place - and when he said he'd like to do so again. Score.
- Texting? He does it all the time. Even just to say he's thinking of me. And he flat out told me that he looks forward to hearing from me during the day, too.
- He asked me for a picture of myself, for his phone. And one day, while we were sitting eating ice cream, he randomly suggested we take a photo of the two of us together. That has to be a good sign, right?
- Facebook - he's "checked in" with me tagged, basically announcing to his facebook universe that we're spending time together.
The biggest sign of all? He tells me how he feels. I don't have to guess, or wonder, or prompt him for a response. He's just honest.
Finally, a sign I really can read.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
You may recall that the last time Gardner and I spoke - it didn't exactly go well. We basically broke up, and not on good terms. We were never just friends; we went directly from dating to not speaking at all. The last time we spoke, I wasn't seeing anyone; now I am, so I figured I should disclose that upfront. Whether he was reaching out to rekindle the dating, or just to be friends, it's new information, and seemed important to mention.
So that's why I said that.
In what seems to be normal Gardner fashion, he responded by saying, "I wouldn't have thought meeting someone meant you cut off all communication with the opposite sex. Silly dating rules."
Obviously - I haven't cut off any communication with anyone from the opposite sex. My friends are all still in my life, and there's no reason that would change.
Gardner wasn't my friend when Trooper and I met; we stopped talking before that ever happened. A fact which he was apparently overlooking.
I replied by saying, "The fact that we aren't friends has nothing to do with my relationship status. It has everything to do with snotty comments like that."
Suddenly, Gardner was being sarcastic, and was only reaching out because he "cares." Just so we're clear - he shows up after more than a month of no communication, immediately makes a snotty comment about me and my choices, then back-tracks when I call him on it. And he wonders why we aren't friends?
As Cute~Ella pointed out, he is totally the herpes of my online dating life.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I said I didn't see that as an issue. It's not like they need to be tied together at the hip all the time. So, she goes off and does her thing, and he'll do his. If she only has one thing she's really into - she'll probably be open to just about anything when they are spending time together.
He thought about that, and agreed. It's not as if he wants to meet someone with whom he shares everything. Everyone needs time to themselves. If you share every hobby or interest - you'll get sick of each other pretty quickly.
On OK Cupid, one of the profile questions asks how much you want to have in common with a significant other; Everything, More than half, Half, Less than half. My answer is Less than half; but I've seen plenty of people who want to have More than half, or even Everything, in common with their "other."
That seems...boring to me. Half the fun of meeting someone new is learning and experiencing something new. If we already share everything, I won't learn anything - and I can't teach anything, either.
Guess I'm just a less than half kind of gal.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
But I know that he can be difficult, and a little judgmental and...well, honestly, a little pompous at times.
That got me wondering - are the women really turned off by the fact that he's a parent? Or are they just looking for an easy out?
That's the topic of today's Singles Warehouse guest post. Check it out here.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Because I blog about dating, my friends send me dating stories they find online, or from their own lives (or lives of others). I might get a short story, or a picture or an excerpt from a profile.
Sometimes the stories are funny, or ironic or just plain weird.
Then there the stories like this one - just plain horrifying.
Happy Monday, from Cute Ella.
Friday, November 25, 2011
So of course - I'm a little afraid to blog about him.
I feel sort of...guilty, as if I shouldn't be sharing wonderful things that include him, when he doesn't know that I share this way. But friends have said I should wait to tell him about this blog.
Oddly enough, though I can never remember when my next dentist appointment is, what I needed to put on the shopping list, or what I had for breakfast - I have instant recall when it comes to key dates. That being the case - I know for a fact that today is exactly one month since my first date with Trooper.
So does that mean it's time to tell? We've had a couple of very personal talks; he's shared things and so have I. It seems to make sense, and I suspect it would actually be an okay conversation. Still, there's a little part of me that's worried.
I bet crazy cat ladies never have these problems.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
She never makes the first move.The article says though this issue has been "debated to death," the reasoning is that if the woman is always planning dates, she'll never know if the guy is really interested.
I disagree. Based on what, you ask? In a word - Big.
I applied this rational when we were dating, totally letting him plan our dates. Just about every time we saw each other for the first six months, it was because of his initiative. In the end, it still turned out that he was just not that into me. But here he'd been, planning dates for months, and here I was - believing the signs.
That just goes to show that, no matter how careful you are, if you're assuming how someone feels, and attempting to read between the lines, there will always be room for misunderstanding. Though I definitely like the idea of being pursued, at some point, you just have to take things into your own hands.
Even though it feels a little bit like game-playing, I really do try for some balance when it comes to who initiates what, and when. If a guy has suggested a bunch of dates, I will make the effort on the next one. Why?
First, because it shows him I'm interested. That seems only fair. I mean, guys have insecure moments, too, right?
Second - women spend entirely too much time trying to make sure we are the woman he likes. We never concern ourselves with whether or not he's the guy we like. The guy I like is someone with whom I don't have to assume or play games. He can handle me being upfront, and letting him know how I feel.
Lastly, I think all that guess-work and wondering and assuming and "what iffing?" leads to poor communication. I want someone with whom I can be honest, and talk comfortably. Otherwise, our conversations start to sound a little like Abbot & Costello.
And Who wants that?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Then I heard a local radio station talking about whether or not online dating sites are busier, and the women more aggressive, once the holidays roll around.
It got me thinking - are women really more interested in finding a steady-date this time of year? Do we cave under the pressure of family, and holiday parties, and the dreaded prospect of being dateless on New Year's Eve?
I think we might - and I confess, it makes me a little sad. That's the subject of this week's Singles Warehouse post - check it out, here.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Simone isn't afraid of the silence; she's afraid of losing the silence. My friend and I agreed we both feel the same way. I think that happens when you're single long enough. When you're first alone, the silence can be scary. Some keep giving in, and do anything to fill it up with distractions and noise. Others embrace that time, using it to learn more about themselves.
Things are going well with Trooper. It's way too soon to be worried about giving up personal space or time, but if things continue the way they've been going - it's only a matter of time before it has to be considered.
The truth is, I want a relationship, and all the commitment and (necessary and reasonable) complications that brings. At one time, I think I was built to be in a relationship; but I'm not as sure of that now. Now I wonder if I've become so settled in my single ways, so comfortable in the silence, that I won't be able to open up and let someone else fill that space.
I think what I'd like is to find a relationship with the right balance between silence and distraction. A relationship that helps me keep up my self-improvement journey, but add some company along the way. I'm not sure if I'm completely ready for that - but I will enjoy finding out.
It's not a bad problem to have.
Friday, November 11, 2011
I've been told, though, that the most attractive quality a woman can possess is confidence. That it doesn't matter what color your hair is, or how tall you are, or if your butt is a little too round. If you love yourself, put your best foot forward, and walk like you mean it - you'll be attractive.
I think there's some truth to that. Let's face it, you could be the prettiest blonde with the best body, but if you hide in the corner, you're not really attracting anyone, are you? Besides, attraction is relative; qualities that one guy finds to be a total turn-on might not even register with another guy.
But if you're confident, you'll be out there, open to meeting the person who finds you attractive (and about whom, hopefully, you feel the same). You'll be smiling and happy, and generally prettier because of that.
How About We has a post this week about how to make yourself attractive to anyone. Not surprisingly, attitude is in the top five.
Apparently, the must-have accessory for any dating season? Confidence and a good attitude.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
> Remember the article that told us scary activities can be a great date? I tested that theory not too long ago with Trooper - and it is totally true. The scare factor is a tremendous ice-breaker, conversation is natural because there is so much going on - and there's plenty of opportunity for hand-holding.
> Remember Crush? And remember that his former girlfriend is someone I know? They got married last weekend. Awkward.
> Things are going well with Trooper - well enough, that I'm thinking I will have to tell him about this blog at some point. I've wondered about this before, and the consensus was wait about a month, see how things are going, and then tell. Feel free to weigh in.
|Better than a bed and breakfast.|
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Her response? "Oh, I could have told you that last week. But I figured I'd keep my mouth shut and let you tell me."
Apparently, when I told her about my second date with Trooper, and how much I was looking forward to the third date, she could see it "all over my face." She could tell I was getting all sappy and gooey and lovey-dovey over him already.
I just realized it, myself. After our third date - and then a fourth - I noticed a shift. I'm reacting to silly love songs differently. I'm smiling - but not just in an, "Oh, look, she's having a good day," sort of way; more of a, "Oh my goodness, she's annoying!" way.
If I had a notebook, I'd be doodling our names in little hearts.
It's all so silly, and sappy, and I am totally becoming that girl I can't stand, who gets all starry-eyed over a guy.
At some point, I know I'll have to reign it in; but for right now, I'm just going to enjoy the ride.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
That's the topic for today's Singles Warehouse post - the right place and time for everything.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
So, there's this guy. He's a little unexpected. We met online (OK, that's not unexpected), but in a roundabout way. I was already so upset and jaded by the whole Gardner experience, and frustrated with the pen pals, and just generally not enthusiastic about dating, that I almost didn't meet Trooper.
My first date with Trooper wasn't anything like an interview. It was like two friends just having a nice dinner, and a nice conversation. It was relaxed, and comfortable. It was fun.
It made me think about Gardner, and the other guys that I just let go. What was the difference? Why let one in, but not another? Why do some relationships seem to fit so much better than others?
I'm sure there's all kinds of scientific mumbo-jumbo that defines relationships and why they work. You can rely on astrology, or numerology, or personality types or whatever.
But in the end, I realized, the answer that matters is pretty simple. It's all about the butterflies.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Ok, so thanks for stopping by and reading this rough draft of me and my wife's profile. We are a married poly couple that has recentley lost our partner of nearly 5 years. So we have a ton of real experince in being a trio. We are looking to get ourselves back out into the dating pool. We tend to favor long term over short, but right now we are just open to whatever comes our way.
We are thinkers, love conversation, having a new adventure, we are nerdy, we love being different. We have income, own our own home, drive, etc. We do have wonderful kids. We are stable and very real. Many poly couples run seperate profiles we don't. We barely have time to run one and my wife hates this part of the process. Also we don't split up, you take us both or take nothing.
Lastly we aren't looking to meet tons of new people and play the field. We want to meet one person we have chemistry with and see where things go. I could write on and on about all we are and aren't but the best way to know is to talk to us directly.The profile page also listed some of their interests, which I assume are shared. The main profile picture was just the guy, but a picture of the couple was also included.
Setting aside the grammar and spelling, I couldn't get past the WTF factor here. First of all, I asked myself, aren't there dating sites specifically geared towards this type of relationship? (The answer is yes, by the way.)
Secondly, the profile was set up as though it was for a single guy (specific details were for him, him alone was the main photo, and preferences stated they're looking for girls who like guys). Seems a little...deceptive, to me. I suppose this is understandable, since I was on OKCupid (a traditional dating site) and the profiles aren't flexible enough to include details for couples.
But, that sort of brings me back to my first point.
I didn't respond. I took his advice, and had a nice day anyway.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
This whole weekend is about Halloween parties and fun. It's one of my favorite holidays, even though it is a little bit of a "couples" day. I will admit, I'm a little jealous of people who always have a date, can go somewhere fun and wear a really cool couples costume. Last year I went out with a several couples, for dinner and some bar-hopping. I seriously considered going as a fifth wheel - but scrapped the idea when I couldn't put it together in time.
The truth is, any holiday - even one that's purely fun - brings couples together, and then puts them out on display, for all us singleton's to observe. It can be a reminder of all the things that you don't have, especially if you're in that state of singlehood where you're looking for your other half.
Don't let it.
Yeah, I know, easier said than done. But single doesn't have to be a horror movie. In fact, let's start right there. Slasher films - the girl having sex at the beginning of the film is almost always the first to get axed. The single girl is smart enough not to go in the basement, or to answer the phone, or whatever. She's often the one who makes it all the way to the end of the movie.
And costumes. If you're single, you can wear whatever you want. You can be a sexy kitten, or a witch - or you can go as Batman if you want. You don't have to match anyone else while you're out.
Speaking of going out - you can go wherever you want. That fun bar with the band? Go ahead. That lame-o party at your ex-boyfriend's brother's house? You'll be able to skip that. Score!
You can buy whatever Halloween candy you want - and all the leftovers are yours. 'Nuff said.
Another advantage to being single on Halloween, is that scaring your date can make him fall in love with you. According to this post over at the How About We dating blog, there is actual science (seriously) that suggests that once we associate heart-pumpin', nervous-sweatin' excitement with someone - that association sticks.
So be careful who you scare this weekend. Happy haunting!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
When I get rejected.
I couldn't even count the number of guys I've "met" online (with whom I've exchanged emails or chats). The number of guys I've met in person is much smaller; and the number with whom I've had more than one date is very easy to count.
Without actually counting, I'd guess that for every guy who writes me back, I've probably sent ten emails - maybe more. Most go unanswered; now and then, I'll get a "thanks, but no thanks" response from that guy who thinks it's "polite." Very few guys will approach me first - most that do would not be a good match for me.
I usually chalk it up to the guys don't think I'm pretty, or because I'm a "curvy girl." The truth is - that could be the reason, but there's no way to know for sure. That kind of rejection can be a huge hit to one's ego - which is why I say your self-esteem should be in tact before you even attempt meeting anyone.
Friends have asked me over and over, how I do this without getting discouraged. When I first started, it really bothered me. A lot. The truth is, it still does sometimes. If I have a bad day, and nothing is going right, the last thing I need is for one more rejection. I cry; I get upset; and I announce that I've giving up.
Then I remember a lesson I learned not that long ago. We don't meet people by accident; everyone in our life is here for a reason. If someone isn't finding his way into my life, that must mean he has nothing to add. My job isn't to understand or to control or to fix; my job is to trust, to hold my head high, and move on.
Dating is supposed to be fun. Rejection is just part of the game.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
In the last few weeks, several friends have commented to me that dating is good for their self-esteem. That knowing someone wants to be with them is a great ego boost, and they love that.
While I agree there's definitely some truth to that - I disagree with one part. I don't think anyone can get self-esteem from anyone else. In fact, I think dating is one of the biggest challenges your self-esteem will ever face - outside of gym class. It should be in-check before you even start.
That's the topic of today's Singles Warehouse post - read it here.
Monday, October 24, 2011
I was nice about it when I mentioned to each guy. I'd known Guy #1 longer, so I basically just said that I was curious if he'd like to meet, since we'd been exchanging emails for so long. He actually apologized for not offering sooner, and we made plans (more on that later).
I attempted to draw Guy #2 out a little. I asked him a few questions, and then mentioned that I just wanted to avoid the whole pen-pals, endless email rut. I also asked about his first name.
He replied by listing his interests - which, by the way, are also listed on his profile. Then he said he didn't think it was being pen pals if you're getting to know the person. (I actually agree - but as I've pointed out, neither of us was learning anything new...) Then he signed his email with what is obviously a nickname.
A nickname? Really? Dude - if you walk up to a stranger and start a conversation, it's only polite to offer your name first. I've given you my name, the least you could do is offer yours. Stop behaving like I asked for your social security number and your mother's maiden name, for crying out loud.
If you're that paranoid - why do online dating at all? We've all been burned by people we met online, but you can't just stop trusting the process, or the idea. You can' go through life waiting for the next bad thing.
It seems to me the worst choice anyone can make is to try dating - of any kind - when they don't know how to effectively communicate. True, communication is a very personal thing, and what works with one couple won't always work with another. But there are basics, underlying principles at work, and you should understand them before you even attempt to meet people.
- Know what you want; if you're not clear in your intent, there's no way anyone else will be.
- Be courteous and friendly; manners are not something to be ashamed of.
- Be creative - no one wants to talk about the same old stuff. Ask questions.
- Share - if you ask a question, answer it. No one wants to feel like they're doing all the giving.
For goodness sake - introduce yourself, already. It's dating. It's supposed to be fun.
Then I met another guy, just a few weeks ago, on Plenty of Fish. Again - seems nice, we have some stuff in common, etc., etc. But the exchange was headed in the same direction - this guy wasn't even sharing his name.
sexting incident, I am much more careful about how and when I share my personal contact information. So, I like to start out in the safety of the dating site. I'm all about email/IM/text - I absolutely hate talking on the phone.
The problem with these emails is, they're going nowhere. I'm not learning anything. Two months in, and I really don't know much more about either guy than what his profile tells.
So, what's the point? I know some people view online dating sites as a replacement for actual dating - you know, like, in person. I figure those same people also view facebook as a replacement for family reunions, and twitter as a replacement for a party with friends.
That's not me. I view all of those sites as an added way to interact with, or meet, people - not a replacement for actual relationships. So, I don't want the endless email.
Something came over me not too long ago, and I laid it out there for both guys.
To be continued....
Friday, October 21, 2011
hello ladies! i decided to put a lil ad here because due to my work ethic i seem to have little or no time to meet a woman in my daily travels. i am looking for someone average,smart and caring, age isnt a big factor im pretty open minded to every age, i think i draw the line at 35.i have no kids is id like for the person i meet to meet this criteria. im not rushing to get myself into any headaches so your gonna have to be a very smart person who understands that life isnt perfect and sometimes people love their careers and helping other. if you think you are a good gal and are just looking for some stability drop me a line lets talk and see if your smart enough to converse wit me!Not including what I can only assume are stylistic choices, I counted 26 grammar or spelling errors, or typos.
So is it that women aren't smart enough - or dumb enough?
Before anyone jumps all up in my business that, "Maybe he was just typing on a smart phone," or, "Those are little things, he could be very intelligent!" - Stop. I know.
My point has to do with glass houses and throwing stones. If you're going to issue a challenge to find someone "smart enough" for you - maybe you should proof-read the challenge first, ya know?
Just a thought.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I should have just let it go. Fine, I'm not self-aware. Fine, all I care about is money, and he doesn't have any. Those were outs, and I should have taken them, put the phone down and allowed myself the Nyquil-induced sleep my mind and body were craving. But my heart didn't like being told I wasn't self-aware.
Then it got worse.
"...you're pining over some guy, remembering the exact weekend the loser broke up with you."
Oh. MY. God.
Again - I had a perfect out. That's three - I'm focused on money, I'm not sure what I want, and I'm stuck on someone else. All perfectly good outs that
Instead I answered a question I'd been avoiding - about why I thought he lacked confidence, maturity or self-awareness (I'd already agreed he does have compassion).
I told him that he's very wishy-washy. That he won't commit to anything, including how he feels. He said, of course he commits - he committed to me, and how much he wanted a relationship with me. But that I had fooled him into thinking I was sincere. Apparently, I really wasn't looking for a relationship.
The thing is - I was sincere. Despite my doubts, I genuinely liked the guy, and wanted to see where it would go. But as soon as I realized it was moving too quickly, and it seemed he was getting more into me than I was him, I thought it should end. I told him this, and he responded, " Ha! What made you think that? Because I made you dinner? LOL."
This seemed like an attempt to back-peddle and say that he really wasn't that into me, and how could I be so stupid to think otherwise? So I pointed out that he had just told me how he cared for and missed me - and now he was changing his mind. No commitment.
- I care about you.
- I don't always offer canned answers.
- We could be magic.
- I know you want a storybook; I can see it in your eyes.
- Give us a chance.
I didn't understand any of these, so I didn't respond specifically. I said I was sorry for how he felt, but the bottom line is, I know what I'm looking for, and I won't find it with him. If we really were meant to be, well then I guess it would be my loss.
Which is what I should have said in the first place - and ended things with, "No backsies."
I finally asked him why he was keeping in touch. [In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have engaged. I'd been talking to a friend about maybe sending him a goodbye for good type email, but a text arrived before I got to it. It was late, I was sick - I don't always make the best choices under those circumstances.]
Wait - What?
I asked him if he really felt that any of this has to do with how much he earns. He said, of course it does! Women want security, and he can't provide financial security. His friends, it seems, had all assured him that I was "into him" but, and they hate to say it,but, "it's the money, man."
[Which proves some men should never be allowed to give relationship advice. In fact, some shouldn't even be allowed to dress themselves.]
Okay - I'll admit it - I messed up here. I could have just let it go at that. I mean, there's no denying he doesn't make a lot of money, so if I just went along with the idea that his income mattered - or was even a factor - it should have all been over. But it's not a factor, and I felt insulted. So, I let my pride get in my way. Emotional mistake. Nyquil might be to blame here.
"I am my own security. And if I was really interested in a man who would pay my bills, I'd move home with daddy. There's a name for a woman who dates for money - and I'm not one."
I went on to explain that what I am looking for is confidence, compassion, self-awareness and maturity. All of which, Gardner promptly informed me, he has.
Ya think? [<- My actual response.]
At that moment, I really understood how people can get pushed to the point of being mean, just for the sake of ending a conversation. I'll admit I've pushed more than one person past that point, more than once. I'll also reach right around and give myself a big 'ol pat on the back for not stooping to that level.
Since I wasn't going to stoop, one might think that, being the mature, sophisticated, intelligent woman that I am, I took the high road.
One would be mistaken. Instead, I went with the, "I'm rubber, you're glue..." defense.
To be continued....
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thankfully, this article from How about we... can help me calculate the correct ages, and stop all the guess work.
For the record, according to this formula:
My youngest - 26
My oldest - 60
That would make my youngest 4 years older than my former step-daughter, and my oldest biologically capable of being my parent.
That might need some work. Though, it does exclude the guy almost as old as my dad.
For more talk about how age plays a part in dating, take a look at today's Singles Warehouse post - Age old question.
Monday, October 17, 2011
With me, one can never tell.
But like I said - the cards are never literal. I asked the cards when I'd find love - but love comes in many different forms. The universe sends us the love we need, when we need it.
Before I ever met Big, I knew a guy who was my "first" after my marriage. That's a pretty big deal. When you're with one person long enough, the first person after that relationship almost feels like a first. You don't know what to do, you get wrapped up way too quickly, and a lot of times, you don't handle the heartbreak very well. That was me.
This guy was always in my life - we had mutual friends, and were connected by facebook and the like, but we didn't talk as often anymore. Just wasn't in the cards, I guess. But he was someone I knew, when my cards were read. Now he's back in my life, in a new way.
So what does that mean? I'm not sure. But I do know that when the cards saw a guy who was stable and grounded and knew what he wanted - and that he was someone I already knew - they were totally right.
Maybe sometimes you have to take a step back, before you can take a step forward. The trick is to be careful you don't trip and fall.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
We exchanged a few emails. At first, I was hopeful. He seemed nice, polite, and interested in actually looking for someone to date. But after a few emails, we still hadn't graduated past small-talk. This is a problem in emails, because small-talk only works in an actual conversation - even it's text or IM. Without that constant back and forth, it loses momentum.
The last exchange we had was a week ago, when I mentioned I was missing the Yankees in the first playoff game so I could go watch a stand-up comedy show. He replied with, well maybe you'll hear some good Red Sox jokes. I responded that I just might, since I knew at least one of the comics was a Yankee fan.
That was on a Friday, around 6 pm.
I didn't hear from him again until the a week later. His email said:
Don't know what I said to make you not talk to me anymore, but I wish you luck and your Yankees in the off-season.Let me tell you.
First of all - I cleaned up his grammar and spelling a little bit. He managed to send me an email consisting of one, very poorly-constructed, sentence that contained at least two typos.
Second - it's just a mean thing to say because my Yankees had been eliminated from the post-season after an embarrassing loss two days earlier.
Third - I didn't stop talking. We were exchanging emails and I was the last to reply. That means, if anyone stopped talking, it was him.
Lastly - of all the emails you could send, this is what you choose? An accusation and complaint? If you wanted to keep talking, why not just send a friendly, "Hey, how've you been?" Or review the conversation, and say, "Hey, sorry I didn't get back to you..."
I hadn't stopped talking to you - until that email.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
There are so many things about your profile picture when you're doing online dating. Too many to list, or explain really - but I tried today over at Singles Warehouse. Check it out here.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Gardner came back with, "Why don't we do it another time? You need to take care of you."
Now, I didn't mind. In fact, I appreciated that he was being so understanding. I thanked him - and went back to sleep.
Later on, I was feeling better and decided I needed to get out of the house. On my way out, I sent him a message saying I was headed out for dinner, and asked if he'd like to meet me. Nothing. An hour went by - then two. By then I'd (obviously) eaten, and decided on a movie. So, when he texted me back four hours later, I didn't have much to say.
He offered the explanation that he'd left his phone home. Seemed odd to me, though I suppose not everyone would turn around and go home to retrieve their phone (not like I'd ever do that...). But I'll admit - I was a little annoyed.
See, it seemed to me that he probably had other plans come up, and that was why he was so quick to cancel our date. Other plans could be another date, hanging out with his friends, or just working out. It didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that he'd canceled, saying he thought I should "take care of me," when really, he was just looking for an out.
So I called him on it. His response was, "What was I supposed to do? You bagged on me!"
Wait. What? No. You did not just turn this back around on me.
So I reminded him that I hadn't been the one to "bag." I had simply asked him to move the date to later because I wasn't feeling well. He had been the one to cancel altogether - and seemed to have replaced me on his calendar pretty quickly.
I'll spare you the details, but the conversation deteriorated from there.
I know it makes no sense, but I felt like he was trying to turn the whole thing back on me - like he was trying to manipulate the conversation, so that I would take the blame.
I know that game. I'm an only child of divorce - I wrote that game. Guilt and blame are powerful weapons, when used right. Thing is - I'm also a divorcee - which means I've mastered the "It's not my fault, it's yours!" conversation from both ends.
He was totally out of his league.
But seriously - is it just me? Was he guilty, and looking to lay blame elsewhere? Did he want me to feel guilty? Or was I just looking for a fight; for a reason to get angry? What do you think?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Taking it one step further, the latest thing seems to be non-profiles - users who create a dating profile, but don't bother filling it out. What's the point? To
Like I said in today's Singles Warehouse post, it's the virtual equivalent of putting on a ski mask and going up to someone in a bar and grunting at them. Just don't do it.