Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge

I have been a little worried about how I'd fill this space, being that I'm on a little break from dating. Then I stumbled across this post from The Single Woman about a 30 day blogging challenge. Perfect! I'm a couple days late to the party, but let's get it started anyway.

For the next 30 days, I'll chat about...

1)  Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

2)  Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

3)  Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

4)  Your biggest fear as a single person.

5)  The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

6)  Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

7)  Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

8)  Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

9)  Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

10)  Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

11)  Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

12)  Your proudest accomplishment

13)  Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

14)  Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

15)  Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

16)  If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

17)  What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

18)  If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

19)  What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

20)  Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it.

21)  How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

22)  What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

23)  Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!).

24)  If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

25)  Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

26)  Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

27)  Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

28)  Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.

29)  Who is your closest or most special friend that you've never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

30)  Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say.

I've barely read these. I figured if I looked too closely, I'd wimp out. So - we'll see how this goes.

What not to say to a single friend

Advice from friends is great, and always welcome. I've learned that even advice not taken can be helpful. I mean, even bad advice can help you find perspective.

But unsolicited advice is tough sometimes. Big used to say "unsolicited advice is criticism," which I always found to be wise. If a friend hasn't asked for advice, chances are, she either doesn't know there's an issue, or she already has a solution. Either way, pointing it out might feel like criticism.

Singles get advice all the time - most often from people in relationships. Sometimes it's helpful; other

Found it here

times, it's just frustrating. I like to think I have a fairly good handle on being single. I certainly have plenty of experience; I have also put a lot of effort into turning negatives into positives.

Still, now and then I get a little sad. I might feel rejected, or doubtful, or lonely, or even angry. The thing is, I know that's temporary, and I know ways to overcome. I think I'm still entitled to my feelings.

So sometimes, advice frustrates me. I feel like - wait, I'm pretty good at this whole single thing. Being single shouldn't automatically make me wrong. So why do you assume I need advice?

There are a few things I'm very tired of hearing. Inspired from this Buzzfeed list, my favorites are...

Trust God's Plan

I actually find this to be a helpful reminder. That's because I believe in God's plan for my life, and trust that if I listen to Him, things will turn out the way they're meant to.

The reason I'm not a fan of this advice is because if a single person doesn't believe in God, the advice could be a little discouraging. Who wants to think their happiness depends on a deity they either don't believe in, or don't have a relationship with?

If everyone felt this way, Christian Mingle would be the only dating site, and Stir Events would be at church. If you know this reminder will be helpful to a single friend, by all means, share. If you're not sure, keep your mouth shut and offer ice cream instead.

Maybe it's time to work on yourself

Unless you're new around here, you know I'm in favor in taking a break from dating. If you're single and dating long enough, it can start to feel like a job. Like any other work, you can get burned out. A break is good. However....

Growth and self-improvement should be a life-long pursuit. Something that should continue even in a committed relationship. Married people don't file for separation every time they start a new hobby...so why should a single person have to be alone to learn or grow?

If you want to give this advice, tread carefully. It could come across as a suggestion that there is something specific wrong with your friend - that is keeping her from finding love - that she needs to improve. She might start to think that every bad date, every guy who treated her poorly was her fault - even if she knows she can't be more than 50% responsible for any issue.

Plenty of people find happiness without love

If there was ever a hot mess of relationship advice, here it is.

First - it sounds like giving up. Like you're suggesting that your single friend raise the white flag, adopt 100 cats, and become a hermit.

Second - it's a little unfair. Sure, people can choose to be single, and be very happy. But I guarantee your single friend is thinking, "Why don't I get to choose? What's wrong with me that I don't deserve a happily ever after?" You've just reminded your friend of every, single thing she dislikes about herself.

Of course we know that wasn't your intention. You're trying to be encouraging, and remind her there are other ways to find happiness. That's fine - but you might want to frame it as temporary, unless you want to find your friend on an episode of Hoarders.


Here's the thing.... Whether your friend is newly single (as in just through a breakup) or has been single a while but feeling down, she's in a sensitive place. Your advice, while very good and well-intended, might come across as critical. Be prepared that your friend, in her very vulnerable state, might see it that way.

The good news is, your friend probably knows this stuff already. She'll snap out of it, and come around on her own.

The truth is, if she hasn't learned the lesson yet, she probably won't take your advice, anyway. Some lessons we just have to learn for ourselves.

On a break

I prefer not to whine about my real life too much, and certainly never here (I have a whole other blog for that kind of whining). But, occasionally real life spills over into dating life... and that's happening right now.

I'm super-stressed over some things happening at work (the paycheck that actually pays my bills). I'm also super-stressed about a fundraising event I'm working on.

Do I have time to date? Sure I do. I'm not any busier than anyone else, and I can shuffle priorities with the best of 'em. My problem is not time management.

Source

My problem is that when I'm stressed, I get depressed. When I get depressed, I shut down. That means that dating (you know - looking cute, being charming, actually talking to another human) is, like, work right now.

My other problem is that when I get depressed, I tend to view everything as a major pain in the neck, and I'm way too sensitive and unforgiving (Side Note: I've also been called to jury duty later this month. Those poor criminals don't stand a chance.). That's not a good place to be mentally when meeting new people and trying to determine if they're worth a little effort and/or compromise. In my current state of mind, I don't want to do either. For anyone. Ever. 

Add to all of this the fact that the dating pool is in some serious need of chlorine at the moment. The last few dates I've been on were complete jerks who eventually just blew me off with no explanation. The last few guys I just talked with turned out to be not at all what they portrayed. The last few men I tried dating seriously just didn't work out.

Basically, I'm just bad company right now. So, it might be time to regroup, hide the profiles, and come back swinging in October. Hopefully by then the work situation will be under control, jury duty will be done, and I will be through my fundraising event.

Life won't ever be boring or quiet for me (which is cool), and dating might never be completely easy. But it can be better. Like I said - it's all about priorities. Right now, I'm thinking dating shouldn't be one of mine.

So, maybe in celebration of, or inspired by, Unmarried and Single Americans Week - me and dating are officially on a break. Which, I guess makes me uber-single.

Old habits die hard

It's no surprise to anyone who visits here regularly that I am a big believer in taking the occasional break from dating. There are varying degress of a break - from becoming a full-on hermit, to just hiding an online profile. What you need may change from time to time, but the fact remains - anyone who is single for a while needs a break, every now and then.

I have personally found that a break is never more necessary than just after a relationship ends. I have found that if I move too quickly, I tend to transfer those old feelings to the new relationship - which doesn't ever work out well.

I am working on a few things in counseling that I know affect how I view, choose, and treat relationships. One of those things is finding balance between ignorning potential red flags and not walking away when I should, and searching for problems and perhaps walking away too soon.

In explaining some of my recent dating adventures, I told my counselor about this one man with whom I "ended things" after four dates. The guy had some control issues, and at first, I thought maybe it was just nerves, so I was trying to see if those were kinks that would work themselves out.

Things like offering to hold my purse while I used the restroom at a movie theater (????), checking with me to make sure I had turned my phone off before the movie (multiple times), commenting on my punctuality (or lack thereof) and asking if my dad knew about him (after four dates?!?). One may have been OK; maybe even two. But all of those things added up to someone with whom I didn't couldn't feel a connection.

My counselor was surprised at some of this behavior. He asked if this guy is divorced (he is) and for how long. When he found out my date had been divorced for over 6 years, my counselor asked if he was new to dating. Surprised, I said, "Yes, he is." Curious, I asked how he knew.

My counselor pointed out that people who either rush from one relationship to the next, or take a long break and become "rusty," have a tendency to pick up where they left off in the last relationship.

For example, a guy whose last relationship experience was the tail-end of an unhappy marriage will pick up with the next woman in that same place. He'll approach and deal with this new person as if she has the attributes with which he's accustomed to dealing (being late, wanting him to do everything, being rude). 

So I wondered, did I walk away from this person too quickly? Is that something that would eventually work itself out? 

My counselor said no - and that actually, he was impressed that I made the decision to walk away without feeling guilty (something else I'm trying to address). His feeling is that this person is probably not in the same place as I am, in terms of looking for a relationship. He said knowing to look for, and find, signs of important differences, is key to figuring out when I should stay, and when I should leave.

See - eventually, I was bound to break some bad habits and start to get something right.

Great expectations

Something else I learned while I gave up dating for Lent... I have too many expectations.

Expectations should not be confused with standards. I refuse to lower my standards.

By expectations, I mean I have a tendency to meet people hoping it will turn into something. If we have a lot in common, seem attracted to each other, good conversation, etc., I tend to start thinking, "Hey, this could go somewhere."

I set expectations when I shouldn't.

So I need to get better at meeting people with absolutely no ideas about what might happen, or what could happen. No, "Wouldn't it be cool if...?" or "I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but..."

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Just say hi and talk, like I just met someone on the street and have no idea if I'll ever see him again.

Can I do that with a really handsome, smart, funny guy who I just found on a dating site, after coming back to his profile eight times before finally deciding to send him a perfectly crafted email?

Sure, why not?

The real trick will be holding off on the expectations even after we've started talking...then dating...then...

OK, I'll work on it.

Post lent observations

Lent is officially over, which means I can go back to stalking online dating profiles, emailing every other guy, and winking at the rest.

Thing is...I kinda don't want to.

First, I will confess...I did reach out to a couple of guys during Lent. This just in: I'm not perfect. That's between me and God.

But in trying to stick to my promise, I did find that I reached out to fewer guys than maybe I otherwise would have. Instead of just willy-nilly winking, I really thought hard about whether or not it was worth the trouble.

In fact, I almost emailed one guy, and then decided I would wait, figuring he'd still be there after Lent. Instead, he emailed me, and we got into what I thought was a really good conversation...

...until he turned out to be a complete jerk. It occurred to me that maybe I really need to be more choosy all the time, not just when I'm challenging myself. I mean, of course you never know until you talk to someone - but being a little picky can't hurt.

I also found that staying away from the dating sites wasn't as difficult as I expected. I am someone who is always on my phone. I often open up the dating site apps out of sheer boredom.

In an effort to stay away, I found other distractions for those moments when I need one. After a while, I realized the other entertainment worked just fine - and I don't really miss the dating apps.

Or the dating, as it turns out. Guess all I needed was a little perspective.

Give up dating for Lent

Today is the first day of Lent. Baking Suit suggested yesterday that those who observe should be thinking about something to give up - or think of 40 nice things to do - for the next 40 days.

I think the point of giving something up is that it be something you enjoy, so that you're making a sacrifice. I'm not sure it qualifies, but I've decided to give up the active pursuit of dates. Let me be clear - if a guy I'm already talking to asks me out, I can still go. But for the next 40 days, there will be no trolling for new candidates.

I consider this something good for myself, because I could probably use the perspective I'll get from the break. It's probably also good for the sanity of my friends (who I'm sure are tired of listening to  me by now) and the safety of the single guys in my area (because if I'm not mad at them, there's far less of a chance any of them will be run over by my car).

You're all welcome.

A tone for 2013

I dreaded writing this post, but I suppose it needs to be done. The blogosphere loves a good year-end recap, and since what I write about is dating... Sigh. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

2012 started off just ducky. I thought I'd found the love of my life; my happily-ever-after. He turned out to be nothing more than a really well-disguised frog who broke my heart and sent me reeling into months of grief and heartache. Thank goodness for good friends.

Then I met a guy who, though it didn't work out, taught me an awful lot about myself. I learned what I really want from a relationship, and what I need to change in order to find it. Plus he took me on a really good vacation.

I also met a couple of OK guys. One taught me that ridiculously good-looking guys could actually be interested in me. A valuable lesson, which helped me to meet another guy.

I attempted a dating nap - and failed miserably. It's coming, trust me.

I went on a few really bad dates. Eventually, I met a guy I really like, which has led to very little positive. You haven't heard about him, because I can't even find words to describe how I feel. Yes, it is that bad, and that is how the year is ending.

Still, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I learned a lot, did a lot, and made some important decisions. I made some bad choices, which led to some good stories.

But I'm not sorry to see 2012 go.

I plan to ring in 2013 alone; home with my new TV, my BluRay (both courtesy of X), and my kitties. I believe that 2013 will be a good year, full of positive choices and options, and new, exciting stories. I believe 2013 will be a year full of happy. I believe that any good I find will start within me. 

So the tone I'm setting for 2013 is one of peace and quiet, and comfort and happiness - all found with me, and me alone. I'm hoping it helps me to find the center I'll need to move forward and make 2013 a fabulous year.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." Hellen Keller

Breaks are not for dating

"Just take a break. It'll happen when you least expect."

A friend of mine, recently divorced, told me that this seems to be the number one piece of advice she gets on dating (and, she noted, it usually comes from people already in a relationship).

Her feeling is that she knows exactly what she wants, but it isn't going to fall in her lap. If she doesn't put herself out there, she'll never find the relationship she wants.

I tend to agree with her.

That's not to say that I don't believe in taking a break now and then - and I told her as much. Whether it's a minor break or a full-on, four-alarm love cleanse, I feel like we all need to step back now and then.

But I think it's worth noting that taking a break should be for you. A break is for your life - for your sanity, and peace of mind. A break is not about dating.

I have said over and over that I believe dating is as much learning about yourself as it is meeting new people. The more people you date, the more you learn about what you like, and don't, and what you really need and want in a relationship. You might find that things you thought were deal-breakers really aren't; and that you really care about things you never thought were important.

You learn all of this by spending time with other people. So it makes sense to me that if you're going to learn about yourself, you're going to need to spend some time with you.

What I don't agree with is that this is "dating advice." Spending time alone or persuing interests not involved with relationships is excellent advice for any single person - or anyone, for that matter. It builds confidence, helps you grow as a person, learn new things, meet new people, and generally be a better you.

If you're single, that will certainly help with dating. But if you're truly taking a break, dating won't be the focus of how you spend that time.

The advice I often get is to go out and join a group (community, church, volunteer, sports, etc.) to meet people. Same thing - this is great advice if you're looking to find something new you like to do. It's good advice if you're looking to meet friends with similar interests.

It's not good dating advice.

Yes, you may meet new people, either immediately or by expanding your social circle. But you can not design your hobbies and interests around activities that are likely to attract single men in your age-group who are looking to date.

Love, and life, just don't work that way.

It's probably time that we singles (and you married folk who feel so bad for us) just accept that life happens in its own time. We each have to do what feels right for our life, and do the best with what we've got and what we know. If you feel it's time to take a break - you should. If you feel like you want to date like it's your job - go for it. I know people who have found true love both ways.

The point is to do whatever is best for you - so that you're ready for whatever life, or love, brings your way.

Because like it or not - love shows up in its own time, not yours.

A dating nap

As I write this post, it remains to be seen whether or not I will have a second date with Mr. Ding-a-Ling. Whether I do or not, I am quite single right now, and free to search online dating sites, or troll bars and bookstores, or whatever, to my heart's content.

But I'm tired.

This is how I feel.

I'm tired of making the first move, and all the effort involved. I'm tired of trying to put my best foot forward, and being "on" all the time. I'm tired of starting something, only to spin my wheels a few times, and end up in the same place.

Even before my first date with Mr. Ding-a-Ling, I had decided that if it didn't work out with him, I was going to take a slight break from dating. I'm not calling it a full-on break; it's not a love cleanse. I'd still flirt if I met someone; I'd still go on a blind date (so if you know any good single guys - call me); I'll still talk to guys I already know (which, at the moment, includes Mr. Ding-a-Ling; he's not gone yet).

I'm just tired of searching, and have decided to take a break from that part of my dating life.

As part of that break, I've hidden (but not deleted) my online dating profiles (I currently have profiles on three different sites). I realize there's no real effort in keeping them searchable, and honestly, hiding them means I probably won't meet anyone. I'm also tired of the emails from people who I know are not serious, or who are totally wrong for me. Deciding whether to respond, then doing so nicely, and then getting those guys to completely go away is still effort - and I'm tired of all that, too.

I'm also tired of the emails from guys who I've talked with before. "Hey, you're back. Want to go out?" I didn't want to go out with you before - what on Earth would make you think I do now? I'm tired of forcing myself to be firm, but polite. 

Honestly, I feel a little like a loser for taking this break. If I want a relationship, I also have to do my part - and I feel like this is me not doing my part.

The thing is - dating is supposed to be fun. At the moment, I don't consider searching fun; it feels more like work. That means I'm probably not putting my best-self out there - which is also not doing my part.

So maybe right now, my part needs to be working on myself, staying open to possibilities, and trusting that what's meant to be is going to figure out a way to happen.

The bottom line is - I'm exhausted. Dating will always be there, and I can start it back up whenever.

Right now - I need a nap.