Square peg

Continued from here...

I don't actually remember what the breaking point was. Something happened that made me feel I needed to clear the decks, so to speak, and say goodbye to the guys who were hanging on but not really going anywhere.

Once that was taken care of, I really thought it was time to take a break. I hid all my profiles, and decided I'd just sit tight until things calmed down in other areas of my life.

Then out of nowhere, guys I had dated previously started coming back. Asking me how I was doing, what was new, what had happened, could they see me, etc. Proving once again that even when I'm actually trying to do the right thing, this nonsense just happens on its own schedule.

Anyway...

I'd already been thinking about this one guy, wondering whether I might have leaped to a conclusion too quickly. On the one hand, he had been quick to say I was "crazy" (to paraphrase) and was not willing to meet me halfway when it came to a disagreement. On the other hand - I guess that is a pretty reasonable reaction, considering he probably felt he was being unfairly labeled a liar.

So when he reached out to me, I thought it seemed fair to give him the benefit of the doubt and at least talk to him. So I did.

Our previous dates consisted of us just hanging out at his place. When we stopped seeing each other the first time, it was because I attempted a conversation that would bring us out of that phase. Huge mistake on my part, as eloquently explained in this post from The Awl (thanks Baking Suit).

Looking back, I realize that it wasn't reasonable of me to expect more from the relationship, when I had already settled for less. Something about a cow and free milk comes to mind, but I refuse to repeat any saying in which a woman is compared to livestock. You get the idea.

So, I made a decision that if we were to start seeing each other again, it would need to be different. The first night we spoke was just via text. The second night, he called - at 11 pm on a Friday. I was awake - but when he asked if he could see me, I told him no way. We had a halfway decent conversation, and I restated that I'd like to be his date - not anything less.

Saturday around 8 or so, he texted to say he wanted to see me. I told him we could have gotten together, but that I figured he'd ask to make plans when he had time. I reminded him that I preferred to go out as opposed to just "hanging out" at his place or mine. He said, "Fine."

(Which, by the way, I pictured him saying as he stomped his feet, pouted, and folded his arms, much like my little cousin would if he was refused candy. Not really that attractive.)

Sunday, I texted him later in the evening to see how his day was....and got no response. I eventually decided to email him and ask if that meant he preferred not to speak to me anymore. Said I would respect his wishes either way, just preferred to ask and know rather than just guess (like I had the last time).

He did reach out to me via text, the next day. Then there was a missed phone call... At this point, we still haven't connected, and I have no idea what's going on, what he's thinking, or really what it is we're doing, other than talking.

Part of me thinks he really is just like the guy described in the Dear Polly post. Not really into me for a relationship, and just looking for a round hole to "slide his piece-of-shit square peg into." I suppose time will tell.

What I do know is, it feels a lot better to be 100% honest - even too honest, if that's possible - and demand the sort of treatment I know I want and I know I deserve (while giving that same treatment, obviously).

Whether he sticks around or not, I'd call this a lesson worth learning.

I'm a mess

I make a lot of dating mistakes. A lot. I try very hard not to make mistakes that will hurt other people, and I always protect myself physically. Of course, it'd be nice to protect myself emotionally, but when dating is involved, that's sometimes difficult.

After the whole Trooper thing ended, I did try to get back into a relationship (Remember Sparrow?). I failed miserably. The relationship had its problems, and probably would have ended anyway - but the truth is, I just wasn't ready.

I've spent the last year or so sort of blindly dating. At first I had no idea what I wanted. Now, I think I've figured that out - but I'm still wondering if it's something I want right now, or something I vaguely see as part of my distant future.

Of course, that's really another post altogether. In the meantime...

I've been spending a lot of time thinking, talking to myself, searching for answers. I've used friends as soundboards, written blogs, and even had several heart-to-hearts with my cat.

All of us (cat included) have come to the same conclusion: I'm a mess.

Found here

Not quite a hot mess, mind you. I haven't passed the point of no return on any slut-o-meters (I don't think). I haven't gone full-blown Samantha from Sex and the City, and I can name all of the guys I've met. But I've definitely been on more dates than one might think reasonable, talked with more men than I can keep track of, and all with very little to show (except for this blog).

My problem, as I see it, is I wasn't willing to commit to what I wanted. I convinced myself that casually dating was OK, because I like being single and having my independence. That was pretty easy to believe, since it also happens to be true.

The problem with the casual date (and by date, I sometimes mean sex, sometimes I really do just mean date) is at the end of the day, that's not how I'm wired.

I eventually want a relationship. When I spend a lot of time with someone, I get invested. I start to feel more connected. If I let that happen, all the while knowing it can't ever be more, then I'm setting myself up to get hurt. Which is just silly, and really a big waste of everybody's time.

Respect and courtesy are also a big deal to me. Whether a guy has long-term potential, is just fun to hang out with, or he's the worst date ever, I will always do my best to treat him well. But a lot of guys use the "casual" thing as an excuse to treat a woman poorly. That will bother me. It's going to make me feel unsatisfied and unhappy and a little empty. Most importantly, it's going to make me feel bad about myself and challenge my carefully-protected self-esteem - which eventually turns me into a mess.

I recently came to the conclusion that something needs to change. I realized, after a lot of thinking and advice, that change needs to be what type of dating behavior I'll accept, and engage in. I'm hoping this moves me from the mess category into the satisfied category.

Even though it may mean a short stop in the lonely category, too.

To be continued...

Define drama

"I don't do drama." 

I come across this on so many online dating profiles. I see it worded many different ways, but I'd say about 95% of the profiles I read mention a preference to avoid "drama." 

I've even focused on it myself - if I message a guy who says he hates drama, I key in on that and tell him I feel the same. Which is actually true...I hate drama. (Unless it's other people's drama...I'll totally laugh at other people and their drama.)

So the other day, when I was once again locked in an internal (and by internal, I mean talking to my cat in the kitchen) conversation about why everyone other than me has someone special, somehow, I came back to this whole "drama" question. For the first time, I wondered: 

Is the problem that we all define drama differently? 

I'm not sure why I asked this question. (The cat wasn't either; he was mostly concerned with how quickly I wasn't filling his food dish.) It just suddenly occurred to me that when a guy says he doesn't want drama, what he may mean is that he doesn't want to deal with stuff like communication, sharing, compromise...you know, a relationship.

Which would mean that, to these guys, a woman like myself (who tries to talk and learn and share) must seem like the biggest drama queen they've ever met. They probably even think I'm a little crazy, what with my wanting to touch base and see how their day (or even week) went.

But maybe I should have been asking this question all along. I mean - literally asking. Maybe I need to be asking these guys what they mean when they say they want to avoid drama. Maybe instead of just assuming we agree on how to avoid drama, I need to find out what exactly it is that he's trying to avoid.

Would I get an honest answer? I'm not sure. I guess that depends on the guy. But I think the question is worth exploring. If nothing else, it'll be a more interesting conversation starter than, "So who's your football team?"

Oh, and for those wondering, yes I did eventually get the cat fed. 

A little crazy

You meet a guy. The two of you seem to hit it off. You have great conversation, a lot in common, it seems like you want the same thing - and he appears to be just as into you as you are him.

Your first date goes well. He gives you a great hug (maybe a kiss) and right away, he wants to set up the next date.

Things seem to be going great. Except he makes plans to go out a couple times that week - but you're not sure where, or with who. He calls you on his lunch, instead of at night. He gives you what seems like a preemptive blow-off.

But why should any of that matter? You only just met. It's not like you're exclusive - you're barely dating! In fact - you have a date of your own set up for one of those nights! So why do you care?

Some will say this is an example of a "crazy" woman - clingy, needy, insecure. While I don't like the word "crazy" to describe what is honestly very common dating behavior (for both men and women) - I do see the point. But honestly, I think it only seems crazy because we're not acknowledging the real problem.

Sure, it would be unreasonable to set any sort of expectation on this guy so early on. But what if our expectation isn't about him? What if it's about us?

At the end of the day, we're all looking for the "right" one. "Right" looks different for each of us - but the feeling is the same. It feels certain, and secure, and - well, right.

The what-ifs and the I-wonders come in when we're not sure something is right. That's OK - that's what dating is for, to figure it out.

I think the insecurity pops in not because we don't trust this particular guy, but because deep down, we don't trust our feelings. We know something is just a little off. It isn't what we were expecting.

That expectation has way more to do with our own feelings, yet we focus it on his actions. Inside, we're doubting ourselves and our feelings and whether or not this is what we expected to feel. But outwardly, we point our doubt at him, and his actions, with very little reason.

That could make anyone seem a little crazy.