In defense of cougars

I get all kinds of emails about ideas for the blog. Guest post submissions, questions, requests for advice, and near-daily emails from Baking Suit with inspiration from around the interwebz.

One of my favorites is the occasional infographic about dating. Not too long ago, I received an email with a link to this infographic about cougars.

In Defense of Cougar Women - An infographic by Xandria.com

If you're a cougar - happy hunting! If you're a cougar's prey - you lucky guy.

Have an infographic, idea, question, or post you want to share? Email me.

Finding Mr (or Ms) Right the smart and safe way

I didn't author this post...Colter Brian is the author. We spend so much time talking about online dating around here, and while I personally have never had a problem, I have heard horror stories. Some of Colter's suggestions might be a good idea, especially if you want to dip your toe in the online dating pool, but are hesitant to do so.

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Let’s face it, we are most definitely not a society based upon delayed gratification, rather we are a culture of instant satisfaction, of super-speed, fast and convenient, quick and painless. We can’t stand having to wait for the latest and greatest thing to come our way and yes, this includes dating. It seems that sometimes we are in such a big hurry to shed that ‘single’ status, we are willing to thwart the time it takes to meet a compatible mate and subject ourselves to painful task of weeding out numerous clunkers in the process. 

This is exactly what dating sites are banking on. 

No doubt about it; dating is big business; numbers from 2012 alone were in the billions of dollars! 

If online dating stills sounds appealing, just use caution. Don’t forget, that there are those in the cybersphere just lying in wait to take advantage of your naiveté and willingness only to present you with a host of false pretenses (think, Manti Teo’o). With internet dating users estimated in the millions, this phenomenon could potentially invite a huge pool of trouble, all at your fingertips. 

So how can you start your love match without the worry? 

* Research the Company: This includes taking the time to look online and read reviews about other client’s experiences. The Better Business Bureau is also another avenue to double-check the company’s integrity as well as finding out about any pending legal situations. Are there numerous complaints? Get out and talk with friends and acquaintances about their own experiences, chances are if a trusted friend has had some success you can feel confident to pursue your own quest.

* Background Check: If you go to an online site and are determined to start your match quest, do so at your own peril. According to statistics, men on average add about two inches to their height and women submit much lower numbers for their weight. If, of course, certain physical attributes are not your key criteria, still be a bit wary with the fact that someone is already using false material to try to attract your attention. If they are lying about something as minimal as height/weight, what else might they be lying about? A site like Online Searches can take the worry out about a new prospect. If your new paramour claims to be a CFO of a certain Fortune 500 company and you find out that not only are they not a CFO, CEO or a GCC (Garbage Collector Consultant) they actually haven’t held a job in ten years, in fact they live at home in their parent’s trailer - run, do not walk away!

* Good Judgment: When starting with your dating adventures, don’t forget to bring a bout of common sense along. After all, a dating site that claims scientific methods for matches can never predict how two interacting humans will act once introduced, genetically or personality matches might be a good start, but there is no guarantee in a ‘perfect’ match.   Remember the old ‘oil and water’ mix or rather ‘fire and gasoline’. You like the fact that he called you often to check to see how you were doing, but what you didn’t like was the last ten phone calls that came in quick succession, starting at three in the morning. What might initially seem like a cute, little quirk can get tiresome and creepy, very quickly. The laws of attraction may seem initially enticing but don’t go overboard, as with anything in life; moderation is the key to success. Take your time, if it doesn’t feel right, heed those instincts. After all, the stress of breaking up with ‘new someone special’ certainly does dampen those romantic flames before your next potential date.

Yes, we all love the idea of finding our soul mate; someone who shares our dreams, our values, who not only meets but exceeds our personal criteria. It would be nice to find this certain someone and there is a host of valid testimonials online about those lucky few who met the man/woman of their dreams. Let's face it, for the majority of users, the old tried and true methods may actually have the same amount of success, as in, meeting someone at an activity you love to do; pottery making, hiking, book clubs and church can be some of these places that your true love might just be waiting. If however, these methods are failing to amount to any success you can try the online route; just use good judgment, double-check their background and don’t be in such a hurry. 

Remember what your mother always told you: Haste makes waste! Keep this in mind the next time you start perusing your online dates. The last thing you want to do is to find yourself in a dating nightmare, changing your old routines (and phone numbers, emails) to avoid running into them. After all that you might even start lamenting those easier, single days again.

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Colter Brian is a former private investigator/photographer and now a freelance writer. He contributes to sites such as Online Searches. Some of Colter's hobbies include spending time in the outdoors and perfecting his pasta recipes for his toughest critics - his two children.

Online dating - safety first

I didn't write this post, but I do think this is an important topic. When I would go on a first date with any guy, I always did my research before-hand, drove myself, and made sure at least a couple of friends knew where I would be. Safety should always be first, regardless of how you meet the person, but it's a definite concern when you meet someone online.


This guest post comes to us from Sabrina Jackson, a guest post contributor who enjoys writing about dating and relationships. In addition, Sabrina also owns Free Dating Sites, where she focuses on educating singles about safe methods of online dating.

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Hey ladies, there are lots of fish in the sea…and if you’ve decided to try your luck and cast your rod in the giant waters of the world wide web, there is a good chance that you could reel in some amazing catches. But because you never know what’s lurking in the murky depths of the internet, you also run the risk of luring in a shark or two. So before you bait your line in some possibly rough waters, be sure to secure yourself with the proper floatation device by checking out a few safety tips for each leg of your journey.

Step #1: You’re thinking about online dating… If you haven’t had any luck dating by traditional methods and you’ve been toying with the idea of dating online, it’s imperative that you do your homework before settling on the first internet dating service that you come across. Not only should you pick a site that is chalk full of available bachelors, but you should also pick a site that has a reputation for success and offers features that allow you to communicate with said bachelors in the safest way possible.

Step #2: You meet a guy online… So you’re using your online dating service and it has delivered some compatible prospects—score! But no matter how handsome the guy is in his picture, no matter how charming his emails are, and no matter how badly you may want to give into his requests to meet up immediately—don’t rush into things! You never know if the guy really is the Porsche-driving, Channing Tatum look-alike, doctor that he claims to be or if he’s some jobless creep sitting in his mother’s basement just waiting to take advantage of an innocent online dater like yourself. For this reason, take your time getting to know your match over the web and never reveal the following details about yourself right away:  

• Last name
• Home address
• Work address
• Personal email address
• Phone number
• Financial information
• Any other material that would separate you from the next online gal

Step #3: You are preparing for your first in-person date... When the time comes for the first face-to-face meeting with the guy you’ve gotten to know online, it can be very exciting. As you spend hours fixing your hair, trying on countless little black dresses and practicing your most flirtatious smile in front of the mirror, one thing you mustn’t forget to do before you head out on your hot date is review your safety smarts! So be sure to keep the following advice in mind to have a safe (and fun!) date:

• Spread the news. You’re sure to dish about the new man in your life right? So pre-date, don’t forget to dish to a friend or family member about the guy and where the two of you are going.  Keep your cell phone by your side should things go awry and you need to reach your emergency contact.
• Be your own chauffeur. Of course you want a gentlemen to pick you up in his horse-drawn carriage and sweep you off your feet—but to be safe, it’s a good idea to use your own form of transportation when meeting someone you don’t know. If he really is Prince Charming, there will be plenty of time for him to impress you with his gentlemanly ways later.  
• Keep the drinks virgin. That glass of Merlot may sound great when the first date nerves are getting the best of you—but if you give in to alcohol and throw all good sense out the window in the name of a little fun, the guy you just met may wind up getting the best of you in the end. So for the first few outing with your online match, say no to alcoholic beverages in order to remain aware of what is going on around you at all times.  
• Trust your gut.  As a woman, you know that your instincts tend to be dead on. So be sure to listen to them when they tell you that your date has some serious psychopath potential. If the guy is making you the least bit uncomfortable, there is no need to hang around and wait for the check. Grab your gear and haul butt outa there to a safe place!

Text from an Ex...'I'm committed'

It isn't easy to blog about dating - or any other personal part of life, for that matter. I have a lot of respect and admiration for anyone who puts herself (or himself) out there and shares experiences or advice or tips and tricks. I sent out another general invitation for guest posts - and some of you listened (thanks ever so much, by the way!). I'm happy to share this one, from Woody's Single Life. Looks to me like Woody's learned a lot about herself, and about dating.  "It's not until we move on and spend time alone that we start to recognize the need for change" - couldn't agree more.

Haywood (or "Woody" as her friends call her) is a snarky, single lady born and raised in Charleston, SC. Having lived in Seattle and Montana as well, she's had some crazy, eye opening experiences in the world of dating, relationships, single-dom and life in general. Instead of letting life's mishaps bring her down, Woody puts a sarcastic spin on life's lemons and makes a stiff drink! You can visit Woody at her facebook page or follow her on twitter.

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So on a split second, bad judgement call whim, I decide to text my ex-boyfriend...let's call him Bob...just to catch up and compare notes on our single and equally independent lives. It always makes me feel better to know I have a single ex out there who doesn't have an automatic charades partner they're occupying their time with. So on nights like tonight, when I need a little pick me up, I grab the ol' telly for a bit of a reminiscing sesh, if you will. I believe I will think twice before deciding to make that call again.

So I text him a witty one liner from Anchorman to get things going and finish with a "PS: this is my last attempt to contact as this is getting pathetic...and I'm running out of witty one liners..." (Back pedal: the last few times we've tried to connect, one or both of us have been preoccupied with friends or work...due to the nature of our relationship, that comment wasn't as pathetic as it looks). A few minutes passes and he says, "Woody, the reason I haven't been able to chat/text with you is because I am comitted..." Comitted? To a mental institution??? That's where this chick he's with needs to be! Ok...sorry, but this man is a serial cheater! He has cheated on every girl he's been with multiple times (once in my case, thank you). And now he's "comitted?" That's fine. 

Once again, I find myself trying to convince myself that it is for the best that I'm not with a guy from my past. Who knows? Maybe he is still a cheater...maybe my other ex IS still a sociopath...maybe the ex before that IS still a mean drunk. But I can't help to wonder...did I just not wait long enough? Could these guys that I dropped at the peak of their douche baggery really be aiming for a homerun into the hall of fame of awesomeness? I mean, I'm not perfect. I'm sure guys that wouldn't have dated me in my wild days would kick themselves now. But at that time, I WASN'T "bring home to mama" material. Does anyone see where I'm going with this? I'm not saying that every guy I've dated would want to be with me now, but let's just say...for blog's sake...that is the case...maybe if I stuck it out through the peak of their complete tool phases, that they would turn that corner while we were still together and POOF! Prince motha friggin Charming!

But let's be honest...if I think about it...after every one of these relationships...I learned something new about myself. I turned a corner and figured out one or more things I wanted to aim for and to change in my life. This is what has made me the cool as shit chica I've become. That being said, after breaking up with me, these fine specimens (I'm giving tons of credit here) probably turned a corner themselves. They probably realized some things they disliked about themselves and wanted to change about themselves in order to make them more appealing for the next lady that came along and (hopefully) for themselves.

Moral of the story: Yes...it is inevitable that if you're single and as you get older...you will notice not only friends pairing off, but worse...exes getting into relationships, and worse yet...getting married. And yes, this does have a tiny bit to do with you (me) because we affect everyone we are in relationships with. Once we end a relationship, we start wondering what went wrong and start building ourselves back up to be the desirable person we want others to see us as. But never dwell on "that could be me." Because if it were you, it would be you with the same guy you broke up with back when. It's not until we move on and spend time alone that we start to recognize the need for change.

Four relationship red flags not to ignore

I didn't write this post - but I agree with every word. I firmly believe in the power of a woman's intuition. Anybody can make a mistake, but if your gut says something's wrong, it mostly likely is. I especially like #4 - he's rude to others. That happened to me once - and it is so, so true.


As Dave Barry once said - "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."

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If you’re dating a guy who you’re really into but there have been a few clues signaling that the relationship is destined for doom, then there’s a good chance your intuition is dead on. Even if the guy could pass as Ryan Gosling’s twin, has a degree from Yale, and is more charming than Cinderella’s guy, if the following red flags are waving high and bright over your relationship, unless you have a fondness for debilitating heartache, don’t ignore them.

Source

Red Flag #1: He’s newly single. If the guy you’re seeing exited another relationship so recently that he hasn’t even had to time to change his status on Facebook to “single,” then proceed with extreme caution. When a guy immediately jumps into a new relationship before letting the dust settle from his previous one, there is a big chance that your relationship with him will be one of the rebound variety. So if you really like the guy and don’t want to be consumed by problems from his past, let him have some space to clear his head, get over his ex and be single for a while. If it’s meant to be with you and him, things will work out when the time is right.

Red Flag #2: He lives at home.  Hey, there have been some weeks that you’ve maintained a diet of nothing but Ramen Noodles in order to buy those cute new pumps you couldn’t take another breath without (priorities, right?). So there’s no secret that living in a world marked by such a crippling economy is tough…but if a prospective guy is claiming residence in the basement of his mother’s house, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t plan to get a job, and his only form of transportation is his bicycle made for one…then don’t expect too much from the fella. Not saying to be completely shallow and only date guys who rake in a minimum of six figures a year; but if you date a guy with zero motivation in life, he’s likely to be immature and won’t be able to satisfy a responsible, mature gal like yourself with a fulfilling relationship.  

Red Flag #3: He is a fling junkie.  Everyone has a past—and let’s be honest, yours is one riddled with men who may have left you questioning if life would be better off as either a nun or a lesbian. But if your new guy’s past is comprised of more flings than you can count, tread lightly. An exorbitant amount of hook-ups and relationships that haven’t made it past the two-week mark may mean that he’s not looking for anything serious. So that you don’t wind up as just another notch on his bedpost, be sure to take things slowly until you know he’s committed to making you the exception to his former rules.

Red Flag #4: He is rude to others.  Sure, it’s all flowers, butterflies, hearts and rainbows in the beginning when he’s trying to win you over with his affection. But if you notice that your guy acts differently with you than he does with other people, be careful. Watch the way he treats strangers, his friends and especially his mother. Someone with the right intentions is going to demonstrate consistent behavior across the board. He may be nice to you now but if he doesn’t treat other people in his life with kindness, then don’t expect for him to treat you any differently after the newness of your relationship wears off. 


Joe Morris is a guest-post author who enjoys writing about dating and relationships. In addition, Joe also writes articles about safe online dating for Best Online Dating Sites.

Playing catch up

By far, one of the biggest challenges when you're going from being single to in a relationship is time-management. At least for me, it's tough to adjust to spending the time you want to with that other person, while still getting all the stuff done you need to get done. Not just work or writing or correspondence - but little stuff, like the dishes, gets behind as well. 

I'm adjusting to make sure I get to spend as much time with Trooper as I can while still maintaining a balance that allows me to meet my responsibilities. Sometimes, being a grown-up can really stink. 

In that spirit, I wanted to mention again that guest-posts are always welcome. Got a dating dilemma? Want to share a dating horror story? Have some dating tips? Please feel free to send them on over. 

Everyone's got something to say.

Email me at girlsgotshine@gmail.com - include your guest post, a suggested title, preferred artwork, and your name and bio (including any links to your blog) as you'd like it to appear. Keep in mind that I don't edit. I do reserve the right to only publish pieces that keep with the GGS spirit; dating related and not too tough on any gender or group (but a little sarcasm never hurt anyone). 

If you've submitted something for a guest-post and I haven't responded - please accept my apology. I will get to it - but if you want to submit it again, I definitely won't hold it against you. 

If you submitted a link to a post that's already appeared on your blog, I apologize, but I may not get to those. If you'd like to submit it as a post to be shared over here, I'm happy to do that. Include a link back to your blog post if you like. 

And lastly, I had a question in comments about whether you can write me with questions. The answer is, absolutely! Again, girlsgotshine@gmail.com will get you right to me. Keep in mind, I'm always looking for blog material, and if your story is a good one, or you want advice from the masses, I may want to share. But - I will never identify where the question came from, and I also would never share at all if you specifically ask that I not. I can totally keep a secret.

OK - I think that catches you all up. We good? Good.

What to do when you're in love with your best friend

A while back, I issued an open call for guest posts. I'm still getting responses (thanks, everyone) and working my way through them. A busy-blogger's dream-come-true.


This guest post comes to us from Sabrina Jackson, a guest post contributor who enjoys writing about dating and relationships. In addition, Sabrina also owns Free Dating Sites, where she focuses on educating singles about safe methods of online dating.  

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You’ve been best friends for what seems like forever, he’s the one you call about any and all happenings in your life, and he knows everything about you from the scar on your left pinky toe to your embarrassing and borderline inappropriate obsession with Justin Bieber. 


Well, he knows everything except for the tiny fact that you have feelings for him (your friend, not the Biebs) that are more than friendly. And if these feelings for your best guy friend are growing increasingly stronger as each day passes to the point where all you can do is daydream of his perfect smile, his unwavering ability to make any bad day right and the rush of unabated bliss that his laugh has the power to inflict upon you, then you very well could be on the brink of going crazy. 

Because of the implications that come with harboring such a high-risk crush, you are probably confused and unsure of how to handle the situation. So that you don’t continue living in such a tortured existence, be sure to check out the following tips for dealing with being in love with your best friend:

Analyze the situation. Stop going back and forth in your mind and come to a decision to either accept merely a friendship or to take the plunge and tell him how you feel. If he is already involved with someone else, it’s best to leave it alone. However, if he’s single, think about your feelings and if they are strong enough to warrant the chance of possibly losing him as a friend if he isn’t on board the same love boat as you. Look for hints and clues that he might be interested in exploring things with you in a romantic way—if signs point to yes, then what are you waiting for?  

Be honest with him. Telling your friend your true feelings is no doubt difficult—the chance of rejection is terrifying, and the possible loss of a friendship if he doesn’t feel the same way can be even harder to face. But if you really feel strongly about this person, it is best to be honest so that you don’t have to continually ask yourself “what if?” He might be taken off guard by your revelation so if he needs time and space to soak it all in, be sure to give it to him. Communicate to him that there is no pressure and respect his feelings either way that he wishes to take them.

Explain that you want to remain friends. If the conversation where you confess your undying love and devotion doesn’t go as planned, do your best to hold it together. Even though this isn’t the outcome for which you hoped, if you can handle continuing a relationship that is defined strictly as friends, explain to him that the friendship is important to you and that you’d like to salvage it. Things might be awkward for a while, but with time and sensitivity on both ends, things can get back to normal.

Take it slow. Should your best friend tell you that he has feelings for you too, that is great news!  Some of the greatest and strongest relationships start with a friendship—and most likely, since you are already comfortable with one another, the transition from friends to more than friends should be an easy one. But like any relationship, it is crucial to take things slowly so that you don’t get in over your heads when changing up the dynamic to which the two of you have been accustomed. Have fun getting to know each other in a new way and see where it leads!

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Thanks, Sabrina!

Choose you

A while back, I posted an open invitation for guest posts. Sarah responded with this post about disappointing relationships, finding yourself esteem, and choosing to love yourself. 

Fabulous. 

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We all know certain things when we are in a relationship. We know what makes us unhappy, lonely, anxious, jealous, angry, disappointed and what makes us feel threatened. We focus on these things – hypersensitive to them even – and as soon as we feel one of these feelings creeping in – BLAMO! We’re in crisis. And it’s someone else’s fault….right?

Maybe not all of us…maybe just me.

I was 16 years old when I met W .. he was terrible to me, cheated all the time, drank all the time, spent hours and hours playing video games and ignoring me. We would argue – break up – and I would find myself begging for him to stay with me. Why?

At 18 I had my first baby, at 19 my second…we were married when I was 21 – my 3rd baby came one year later. My self esteem had yet to be born.

The cycle continued consistently. I did that for 11 years.

Eventually I decided that I should love myself, make myself  happy. I took control. I filled my time with learning new things – and finding adventure. I did things I always told myself I couldn’t.

I was a divorced single mother of 3, and although I had the most life altering year ever it was the very best thing that ever happened (other than my children, of course).

When you look inward and choose yourself – when you decide that you are worth happiness – you are truly free.

After about a year and a half I met M – best compliment to my life – he helps me smile when I find it hard to do myself., we’ve been married now for 4 years.

I’ve learned that feeling crisis, and all of the craziness that comes with it – is my choice. I may not have control over other people, how they feel, act, respond – but I can change the way I feel about it – and where I let it touch MY life.

BE HAPPY. CHOOSE YOU.

Having a healthy attitude when using a dating site

Below is a post from Cara Michaels, a blogger for OnlineDatingSites.net. Cara's friends and family constantly seek her out for dating advice, and she has taken her knowledge and experience to the web. She responded to my open invitation for guest posts. 

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Many people visit dating sites for all the wrong reasons.  Maybe they’re lonely, or they have just ended a long-term relationship and find it hard to be single.  These are certainly not the greatest reasons to start using a dating site. If you are sincerely hoping to find a partner for the long-term from a dating site, there are plenty of success stories that show it can be done.  But it doesn’t take someone waving a magic wand to make it happen.  You have to be in the right mind space to be ready for online dating.  Then, and only then, will you be open and able to make the right type of connections that dating sites can offer.

We have all heard the adage that you can only find love when you love yourself first.  This happens to be absolutely true.  In order to attract a significant other into your life, you need to feel good about yourself.  If you don’t, why should anyone else?  If you’re feeling sad, betrayed, depressed, or any other negative emotion, why would someone new want to spend time with you?  You’re a bummer to be around.  Put your emotional life in order before you begin your prowl on the dating sites.  Once you have the energy and the optimistic attitude going for you, you’ll feel better about dating, and you will certainly yield more results that way.

Loneliness gets a bad rap, because let’s face it…being alone can be very painful.  But if you have just ended a long-term relationship, a certain amount of loneliness is to be expected.  After all you’re in a grieving period.  Why do you want to rush right into a new relationship with someone you don’t even know? That takes a tremendous amount of energy.  Do yourself a favor, and sit with the loneliness for awhile.  Gather together some of your best pals and start spending quality time with your friends.  If you’re lucky enough to have some good friends in your life, no one can make you feel better than they can.  You don’t have to be out there attempting to have some wild social life when you don’t feel like it.  Take time to heal before you put yourself back out into the dating world.

Once you’re feeling better about yourself, and your attitude toward the opposite sex is healthier, than you can start perusing some of the many dating sites out there.  It’s difficult to step back into that world once you’ve been out of it for awhile…so go slow! You don’t have to rush anything that doesn’t feel right to you.  The most important thing to remember is that dating is supposed to be fun.  If it starts to feel like a chore, than you’re definitely not ready.  

Dating below your standards

In the spirit of sharing guest posts, another blogger who responded to my open invitation was Atiya Townes. She authors a blog about getting her life back together, called Remaking Me, where she says "The most difficult thing to change is myself."

I love it.

She blogged a couple weeks ago about dating below your standards. She asked if I'd share it with y'all - so I thought I would. Read it here.

I love her closing paragraph:

I'm not a professional when it comes to dating. Heck, I'm not even dating right now. I do know that when you're in a relationship with someone, it needs to be for the right reasons. The right one is not going to fit into any one category, old, ugly, smart, funny, brooding or eccentric. The ONE is going to be your perfect combination of all the qualities you like. It's going to be a partnership that surpasses all the other crap you've ever experienced.

What she said.

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Want to guest post on Girl's Got Shine? I'd love it! Anything goes, related to dating and relationships - I just ask that you keep it friendly towards others. Email me if you've got something you want to share.

Skies of grey

A while back, I posted an open invitation for guest posts. Workingdan responded, saying he'd like to post something about dating from the perspective of a married man. 

As you can see from his post, things have turned around dramatically in Workingdan's life recently. I'm actually pretty honored that he sent this post to be published here, and am happy to share it. 

There is nothing more heartbreaking than losing a relationship. Losing a marriage is particularly tough; there's a sense of defeat that can only come from knowing promises and vows that you once made to family and friends - and perhaps even God - will go unfulfilled. It takes time, and love, and a lot of self-awareness to overcome those feelings. 

If Workingdan and his wife aren't able to work things out, I hope they both find the strength they need.

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I get home from work on perhaps what could be the longest day at work ever, declining a rare opportunity to work overtime. I go through the usual routine of emptying pockets and settling into what should be the comfort of my own home. I try to maintain the ritual of watching NFL Live, so I turn on the TV. Then I sit and stare at the Toshiba laptop that sits in front of me.

I eyeball the ice cold, beer flavored water that also sits in front of me, better know as Coors Light. I open it and take a long pull, downing a lump in my throat along with it, then return to staring down the laptop. Should I blog it?

With watery eyes, my mind tries to contemplate the recent circumstances and the meaning behind it all. The clock on the wall sends off it's persistent ticking into the void that is now my empty home. In the background, I can hear Mark Schlereth and Tedy Bruschi present their thoughts on the upcoming matchup between the New York Giants and the Dallas Cowboys, but I'm not listening to them.

With another long chug from the beer, I light a cigarette and rise to my feet. I pace aimlessly about the house, stopping to stare out a random window. The light is fading into the distance as my eyes scan the gently rolling farmlands that surround my home. The remains of corn stalks protrude from the ground in various directions and it suddenly takes on a wasteland-like appearance.

The trees are silhouetted in the remainder of the light. Their leafless branches are nothing more than a black void, extending itself into the horizon, infecting the earth with it's loneliness. I proceed with pacing about the house, stopping and staring into the kids' bedrooms. Toys strewn about the floors in either room. Dresser drawers are half open and clothes are hanging over the edge. There are no kids in the room.

.....one day earlier...

It was a time I had been looking forward to, this week that is. My wife is off this whole week and finally I get to experience coming home to a wife and spending the evenings with her. But in the days leading up to Christmas and the days following, I could sense the distance between us.

Finally, on a Wednesday, just after eating left-over tacos, I ask my wife what is bothering her. She refused to answer. I could see her jaw tense, her breathing became short, rapid breaths. I could literally see the adrenaline flushing her body. I knew this could not be good.

I persist with my question. In a somber, heart broken tone, I ask her to tell me what it is. In a quick and quivery voice, she replies by announcing she wants a divorce. My heart sank as I could detect the seriousness in her statement. Panic sets in so I remove myself from the kitchen and retreat to a dark bedroom. She soon follows and shortly thereafter, announces her intentions to take the kids and go stay at her parents for the evening.

My tongue never works well in situations such as this. We tried to have a talk but was unsuccessful. After a long bit of silence, we emerge from the bedroom. The first thing I saw was the kids bundled up in their coats, waiting patiently to go stay at grandma's. Reality hits home and I soon lose control of my emotions.

Tears are streaming down my face as I plead for her to stay. I became even more heart broken when I could see the look on my daughter's face. Her eyes were filled with fear and concern. She may be young but she knows when something isn't right. She could see daddy crying, she knew.

I go back into the darkness of the bedroom to try to compose myself. The kids come in shortly after to offer a goodbye. I kiss them and squeeze them tightly. It took all that I had to muster up the words "Goodbye, I love you" and make it sound casual. I wasn't fooling anybody.

On their way out, my five year old son asks his mother "Mommy, why is daddy staying here all by himself?" That was a knockout punch. I immediately bury my face and sob. Tears and snot drip off my nose as I cried heavily into the night. 

.....back to the now....

The dark branches of loneliness now engulfs my home and I can no longer see out the windows. I retreat from the nothingness that lurks outside and take my seat on the couch. Toshiba makes it's presence known, staring me down. It wins the staring contest and I quickly reach for it and open it.

I open up the Firefox browser and all my usual sites and last browsing sessions pop up on the screen. I go to the Blogger dashboard and check my comments. Damon is telling me "nice post : D + follow". I become disgruntled at this very empty comment and refuse to view his page. I click the monetize tab to view today's earnings. It reads $0.00 thus further adding to the empty and painful feeling, lack of accomplishment.

I decide to visit my social sites and loosen up my fingers before I begin writing. Feeling the need to talk, I go to Facebook and check my online friends. My heart beat heavily in my chest when I seen her name. I click on her name then quickly lean back into the couch and light a smoke, planning my strategy on bringing her home. I can't lose her, I just can't!

I begin the chat session with a "Hey stranger". Tears start to roll down my cheeks as I am thankful for the opportunity to just be talking with her. Emotion takes control over reason and I begin to beg for her to come home. In the middle of the conversation as I continue to bawl, I go back to the dashboard and click on new post.

My fingers begin to spew forth words at a pace I have not achieved before. I continue writing and pleading with my wife at the same time, all while still crying and lighting one cigarette after another. I become frustrated at the fact that there is no changing her mind. I lose my temper and say things I shouldn't have. Our conversation comes to an end and the writing comes to a screeching halt.

I slam shut the laptop and bury my face in my hands and sob. Then my stomach lets out a deep, growling rumble, signifying that I have yet to eat anything. Without any appetite, I browse the contents on the fridge and cupboard for half an hour, opening and closing doors over and over again. I manage to choke down a bowl of cereal then I collapse face down onto the couch and fall into a restless sleep.

I woke the next morning, still fully clothed. I put on a pot of coffee and resumed my pacing about, trying to adapt to the loneliness, trying to accept that it may, in fact, be over. I look out the windows and the skies are grey and depressing. Droplets of rain trickle down the window in front me, appropriate weather to begin this new life of being alone. 

With Toshiba as my only company, I grab it and resume my writing. The words still flow with the same ease as the previous night. I receive a text from my wife, still not actually hearing her voice for two days. She is asking me if I'm ready to see the kids. I miss them terribly but still, I decline. They are only a reminder of a family that was. I need my alone time, I need to think. How can I fix this?

My mind begins dwell on how life would be without her. The financial repercussions bully their way to foremost thoughts of my mind. If we could barely make ends meet with the both of our incomes, how could I possibly survive with my measly ten dollar an hour income? What about the debt we have together? The cars? The loans? And what about the house and the contents within?

My mind shifts towards the kids. Those poor kids. How do I explain this to them? With my wife working nights, it has been established that I am to have custody of the kids so that they still get to see at least one of their parents everyday. If I am to be officially single, would I even want custody? That seems to be selfish thought, but I'm concerned with how I will react to being single and wonder if it's in the best interest for the kids to be with me.

I become restless with the amount of coffee in my system. I rise and pace yet again, the remnants of Christmas still lingering in the house. New toys and games litter the living room as they have yet to find a proper place.

As I wander around, mulling things over, I begin to feel that perhaps it is time to see the kids. I also contemplate breaking the news to my mother, who will not take the news very well. I am ashamed of letting my marriage come to this and telling her will be difficult. I am not one for talking, for I have difficulty expressing myself vocally. My voice is my weakness, my written words are my strength. How to tell her?

I purposely left out the details as to why this has come to be. But I will say this, neither of us is having an affair. At least I pray there isn't an affair going on. I don't believe that is the case. We both are to blame for this marital malfunction and any negative comments towards my wife is unacceptable. No one is to be taking sides, rather you should pray for us. A late Christmas miracle is needed and a positive start to a new year, with my wife by my side is all that I ask.

I do not know what is going to happen or when my next post will be. I may take a leave of absence from the blogosphere, or I may spend more time with you than ever before. Only time will tell. 

Until then, blog safely my friends.

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Want to guest post on Girl's Got Shine? I'd love it! Anything goes, related to dating and relationships - I just ask that you keep it friendly towards others. Email me if you've got something you want to share.

Little bits...

Just a few thoughts to end your week (or start your weekend)....

- I told Trooper about this blog (Everybody wave!!)... He's such a cool guy, and took it totally in stride. 

- That said...he did make one suggestion. He thinks I should call him Bigger instead of Trooper. No - not because of that - get your minds out of the gutter! Because he's bigger, and better, than Big. 

- Blogs of Note really brought a lot of new visitors to my little corner. If you're new, welcome. 

- I'm totally tapped, time-wise, and want to make sure the community stays fresh, and we have plenty to chat about. That being the case, I am happily accepting guest-posts. Got something dating-related you want to get off your chest? Send me an email.

- If you enjoyed the Flowchart for Daters, outlining at which relationship stages to give a gift, you may also enjoy this helpful guide from iVillage - The right gift for every relationship stage. A vibrator that moves to the sound of his voice?!

Happy Friday!

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Sound of rejection

No sound is louder than the silent sound of rejection.

Unfortunately, it's just something you have to get used to when you're doing the online-dating thing. You scour profiles, find the perfect person and it seems like you're their perfect person. You spend hours crafting the perfect email - the right balance of smart, witty and fun, only to be met with....

*crickets*

It happens; it's all a part of the game.

Read about it over at Singles Warehouse.

Easy out

Remember this guy? From conversations I've seen around twitter, I know that he's been thinking that his kids are the reason he has trouble finding a date.

But I know that he can be difficult, and a little judgmental and...well, honestly, a little pompous at times.

That got me wondering - are the women really turned off by the fact that he's a parent? Or are they just looking for an easy out?

That's the topic of today's Singles Warehouse guest post. Check it out here.

Holiday cheer

I came across this post the other day about the traits men look for in a girlfriend. The subject of the email that I got read, "Have a boyfriend by the holidays!"

Then I heard a local radio station talking about whether or not online dating sites are busier, and the women more aggressive, once the holidays roll around.

It got me thinking - are women really more interested in finding a steady-date this time of year? Do we cave under the pressure of family, and holiday parties, and the dreaded prospect of being dateless on New Year's Eve?

I think we might - and I confess, it makes me a little sad. That's the subject of this week's Singles Warehouse post - check it out, here.

Place and time

Last week, I told you about a "couple" who contacted me via OK Cupid. I'm still not over that, and how a "traditional" dating site seems like the wrong place and time for that sort of overture.

That's the topic for today's Singles Warehouse post - the right place and time for everything.

A thousand words

"Never frown; you never know when someone is falling love with your smile. " Unknown

There are so many things about your profile picture when you're doing online dating. Too many to list, or explain really - but I tried today over at Singles Warehouse. Check it out here.

Good in bed

Here's a little something new....

A little while back, I was approached by Eric Leech, a Featured Writer at datingwebsites.org, a site that offers information, advice and reviews of online dating sites. He asked about doing a guest post for Girl's Got Shine. 

Thinking it sounded like fun, and something a little different, I accepted his generous offer. After all - GGS is pretty skewed towards a woman's perspective. So, Eric is here today to tell us how a guy can tell if a woman will be good in bed. 

Ladies....get out your notebooks. 

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Girls, you know you've thought about it before. You've stared at the size of a man's hands during a first date. You've watched a guy throw down his groove on the dance floor, and wondered about his groove between the sheets. You've stared at cute guys on dating websites, imagining how cute they'd be in their birthday suit, and you may have even ogled a guy in aisle seven at the grocery store, wondering if he'd be as good at handling the canned peas, as handling your own... well, you get my point. It should come as no surprise that guys size women up in much the same way. Let's look at the top five things a guy looks for, to know if a woman will be a worthy adversary while engaging in the horizontal mambo.

1. Her Kiss- Good kissing is just as important to men as it is for you ladies. The biggest difference here is that we are looking forward to seeing exactly how adventurous the girl will get. If she uses only a tiny bit of her tongue and wraps the session up quickly, he'll assume the worst. However, if she is slobbery, sensual, ever-lasting, and vacuum intense, he'll remember to bring the rubber sheets, salad tongs, and value-sized canister of Crisco oil to the next date (well, not really, but he'll be pretty excited).

2. The Hips- Men love to watch a woman's hips sway back and forth as she walks. Studies on attraction suggest that men prefer women who overly accentuates their hips as they walk. In fact, even without seeing her figure, face, or style of clothing, a man will become interested, just by noticing her motion out of the corner of his eye. The way a woman uses her hips, says how much control she has over her lower extremities. If she can shake it in the vertical, he knows she can shake it in the horizontal, too.

3. Physical Touch-  A guy can tell a lot from a first date, just by how she touches him. A woman who is comfortable with touching him in public, will probably be even more comfortable once they get behind closed doors. A gentle caressing kitten in the restaurant, could be a ferocious man eating tiger in the bedroom. However, a clammy oyster on the dance floor, will probably be just as dank and cold on the sofa afterward (that's his theory, anyway).

4. Vocal Expression-  Remember the scene in When Harry Met Sally, when Meg Ryan faked an orgasm in the middle of the restaurant with Billy Crystal? I'm not here to discuss the fact of whether or not a guy can tell the difference between a real orgasm or not. What matters most, is Ryan would have been the sexiest woman in the restaurant to any man. Studies suggest men are drawn to sensual sounds of a woman's voice when she laughs, hums, or sighs. Brief vocal encounters give a man a hint of what a woman might sound like in bed. A woman can increase the likelihood of a man's enjoyment in sex, simply by her vocal enthusiasm. Lots of intense screams, means he'll finish like a minute-man. Quietly counting sprinkles on the ceiling, means he'll be shopping for Viagra by the next morning. There is nothing like a woman who knows how to ‘get into’ whatever it is she’s doing.

5. Sexy Talk- Contrary to popular belief, men do not want sex to be the only conversation at hand, but we do like a little prelude on the subject. Talking about it, lets him know she might be up for it if the occasion calls. Men like women who might be a little too shy and coy to bring up the topic. However, when push comes to shove, she can dish out the details with the same enthusiasm and color of a drunk, virgin sailor.

So - that's a guy's perspective. Comments? Ladies - how can you tell if a guy will be good in bed? 

Responsible dating

We all know how to protect ourselves (and others) when dating. We know how to prevent diseases, unwanted pregnancy, and cyber-stalking. Ladies, we even know how to keep ourselves out of dangerous situations until we get to know someone.

But what about our feelings - and the feelings of others? Do we protect those? Can we? Dating is all about putting yourself out there, risking that you'll get hurt. Heartbreak and disappointment are always a possibility - and if there's no risk, there's no potential for something good, either. 

I told Gardner that I think my experience with Big has made me a more responsible dater. I'm sensitive (maybe too sensitive) to others feelings, and hyper-aware if I'm doing something that might hurt someone else. 

I'm talking a little bit about that over on Singles Warehouse. Read today's post over here.

Single piece of advice

You can find dating advice just about anywhere. Google it - you'll find thousands of results. There are dating blogs (*ahem*), dating sites, and books that offer free advice. You can also seek counseling, pay for a dating service - or turn to a counselor. 

More often, when we need dating advice, we turn to the same place we turn for other advice - our friends, and family. We ask those closest to us for help with such a personal, intimate question.

But just because someone knows you well, doesn't mean he can always give you good advice. No matter how well you know a person - if you've never been in the situation, you may not be the best qualified to give advice on how to handle. 

That's what I'm talking about at Singles Warehouse today. Check the post out here.

What about you? Where do you turn when you need dating advice?