A tone for 2013

I dreaded writing this post, but I suppose it needs to be done. The blogosphere loves a good year-end recap, and since what I write about is dating... Sigh. Let's just get this over with, shall we?

2012 started off just ducky. I thought I'd found the love of my life; my happily-ever-after. He turned out to be nothing more than a really well-disguised frog who broke my heart and sent me reeling into months of grief and heartache. Thank goodness for good friends.

Then I met a guy who, though it didn't work out, taught me an awful lot about myself. I learned what I really want from a relationship, and what I need to change in order to find it. Plus he took me on a really good vacation.

I also met a couple of OK guys. One taught me that ridiculously good-looking guys could actually be interested in me. A valuable lesson, which helped me to meet another guy.

I attempted a dating nap - and failed miserably. It's coming, trust me.

I went on a few really bad dates. Eventually, I met a guy I really like, which has led to very little positive. You haven't heard about him, because I can't even find words to describe how I feel. Yes, it is that bad, and that is how the year is ending.

Still, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I learned a lot, did a lot, and made some important decisions. I made some bad choices, which led to some good stories.

But I'm not sorry to see 2012 go.

I plan to ring in 2013 alone; home with my new TV, my BluRay (both courtesy of X), and my kitties. I believe that 2013 will be a good year, full of positive choices and options, and new, exciting stories. I believe 2013 will be a year full of happy. I believe that any good I find will start within me. 

So the tone I'm setting for 2013 is one of peace and quiet, and comfort and happiness - all found with me, and me alone. I'm hoping it helps me to find the center I'll need to move forward and make 2013 a fabulous year.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties." Hellen Keller

Relationship fix-a-flat

Trooper has been on my mind a little. Not in a "Geez I wish we were still together," sort of way. More of a, "Geez, I wonder what's going on with him?" sort of way.

He's been in touch with me a little (absolutely no talk of getting back together, by either of us), and it just sort of put him in my head a little more than maybe he should be. It got me wondering... Is he with someone? Is he happy? What's he got going on?

So, I poked around a little on facebook, and confirmed what I already basically knew. He is seeing someone, and they appear to be very happy.

I told him that he deserves to be happy, and I meant what I said. I truly want him to be happy, and if I'm not the person who can give him that, then ending things was the right thing. I may not like how it happened, or how it felt - but that's life.

If he's found happiness, I'm happy for him. That's how love - and friendship - works.

But I still found myself a little....melancholy? I'm not at all sure why. I didn't find myself wishing I was in her spot, or reminiscing about how things were. It just got under my skin, a little, to see it right there, in front of me. Then it annoyed me even more that I was annoyed, and my focus was being pulled away from things with Sparrow.

Engineer says the way around that is to cut all ties - including friendship - with Trooper. He said that way my attention isn't diverted, and I can concentrate on the good thing in the present, instead of a painful thing from the past.

I wonder... Is that really the healthiest way to handle these sort of residual feelings? Or is that like using fix-a-flat on a tire? Sure, it'll get you from A to B. But it's a temporary, quick fix to a much bigger problem. Eventually, you have to deal with it completely, or your car won't run right. One bad tire can throw the whole thing off balance.

Here's the deal: Trooper is in the past. Accepting that and moving forward is the name of the game. If I just push him out of sight, out of mind - is that really acceptance? Or is that just ignoring the problem - and if it is, aren't I just setting myself up to have to go through this at some point, whenever I can't ignore the problem anymore?

Would it be better to just deal with it head-on? You know, get the new tire and the proper service right away even though it takes longer and costs more, instead of trying to put a cheap, quick band-aid on the problem.

It doesn't mean we have to become best-buds. But if I run into him at church, or come across one of his comments on a mutual friend's wall, isn't that a better way to "deal?" As uncomfortable as it might be in the beginning, eventually it'll just be the norm, and that awkward, "what am I doing?" feeling will disappear.

Eventually, he'll just be that great guy I used to date, who is now my friend - and things won't feel so off balance.

Breakup stage - acceptance

I'd love to get to this stage. I (literally) pray everyday that I'll eventually reach a point where I accept my part in the breakup and start to learn from the relationship.

In this case - I'm not sure I'll ever know what I did (if anything) to cause this breakup. It's not like there was a third party or some huge fight. It just wasn't working out, and had a lot more to do with Trooper than it did with me.

So maybe for me, acceptance is going to be acknowledging that the issue was his, not mine, and finding a way to be okay with that.

There will be lessons, and things he brought to my life. Thanks to Trooper, I started going to church, and found that I really enjoyed, and found comfort in, the message. A couple people have suggested that maybe that was one of the reasons behind the relationship - that I needed someone to bring me closer to God, so Trooper came into my life to serve that purpose.

I've given that some thought. I think it's possible. Truthfully, it still makes me a little angry. I mean - it seems to me the lesson could have been taught in a slightly less painful way. Sheesh.

Another friend reminded me that it's not all about me; I left "footprints in his life" too. Maybe that was the purpose - for me to bring something to his life.

I'm not sure - and like I said, part of the healing for me has been to give some of this over to God, and part of that is accepting that I might never know. Maybe I'm not even meant to know.

I'm meant to accept, and learn, and heal, and move on. And that's the plan.

Breakup stage - depression

This is the stage that seems to last the longest (for me, anyway). It's also a stage I've revisited several times. I expect that will continue to be the case, for a while.

It's normal to be sad. I struggled with that idea, thinking I should have been more prepared, or more accepting, or just...better at the breakup. I thought I was way too sad. It got to the point where I actually scared myself. I wasn't eating, or sleeping. I missed work. It took every ounce of energy just to move from my bed to the sofa.

That went on for a little less than a week, before I just decided it was going to be done.

I forced myself up, and out of the house - even if I didn't want to go anywhere. I dragged myself into the closet and looked for clothes and shoes and accessories, because I knew it would start to make me feel more like me.

I know I keep repeating myself - but my friends were heaven-sent during this time. Angels, I swear, every one of them. They texted me several times a day to make sure I was okay, stopped by my house, took me to lunch. X even dragged me to a movie, knowing I just needed to get up and out of the house. They gave me some much needed advice, and even let me come crash at their house when I didn't want to be alone.

They literally saved my life. 


Depression is a normal stage of grief, but for some people (like me), it's also something to deal with on a daily basis. Even my counselor admitted that my reaction was a little extreme - though he gives me credit for doing what I needed to get myself back on track.

If you suffer a loss, expect to be sad. Tell yourself it's okay to hurt, or to cry, or to just want to be alone. Let yourself off the hook if you don't handle everything in stride.

But keep an eye on your mood. Like the other stages, depression should be temporary. Somewhere, deep inside, you should realize that this too shall pass. You should see a light at the end of the tunnel. If you don't - you need help.

Don't ever be afraid to ask.

Breakup stage - bargaining

This is the absolute worst. Apparently, it's also the stage I'm best at. Shocking.

Apparently, this is the stage where you tell yourself that you'll just stay friends, or you'll try to restore the relationship with some difference.

"I promise not to....anymore."

"I'll never say....again."

I did it. I asked if we could try and work things out. Honestly - I did it with Big, too. I also did it with X, though to be fair, we were married. Trying to fix a marriage is a little different. You actually make vows and promises that you'll try to fix that relationship before letting it end.

I'm going to be completely honest (and here's where the whole "I'm no expert" thing comes in to play....). I don't believe this is always a bad thing.

I don't believe you should compromise who you are or what you believe to make a relationship work. (I've done that, too; trust me, it doesn't work.)

But I do think that love is important - and hard to find. Call me sappy or hopeless or weak if you want, but I believe in love, and I think it deserves a chance. It is so hard to find someone with whom you connect, and who makes you laugh and smile, and who really helps you be a better person. If you're lucky enough to find that, I think walking away without a fight is just...well....stupid.

So, if issues or concerns are raised, and it's something you can address, I think you should try. I don't think there's any harm in that.

Where I guess you need to be careful is holding on to those feelings too long. If you offer that you want to work on things, even say where you'd be willing to compromise - you've done your part. You can't keep pushing someone. He (or she) either wants to fix things, or he doesn't.

And the truth is, if he doesn't, he's not the right person for you. Because no matter how much you love someone, you need to love yourself more. You need to realize that you're worth fighting for - and the right person for you will feel the same.

Livestrong also cautions against trying to maintain a friendship. The romantic feelings won't just go away because the romance ends. Keeping up a friendship will just cause you to hold onto feelings that you really need to let go.

I'm a huge believer that exes can be friends. That's pretty obvious, considering my ex-husband is one of the friends who has dragged me through this process. But like any other friendship, one with an ex takes time to develop. You can't just wake up one morning in love with someone, and be "just friends" by dinner.

If you think you can, you're kidding yourself.

If he's really a friend - and if the two of you are meant to have that bond - it'll happen over time. When you're both ready.

Breakup stage - anger

Oh, yeah - lotta anger goin' on.

Like I said, at various times during this process, I've felt angry at Trooper, at God, and at myself. I actually felt angry at myself for more than one thing.

First of all, why didn't I know better? Weren't there signs I should have picked up on? Red flags I should have noticed? What was wrong with me?

Not only that, but I know that this isn't a punishment. I know better than to think this is what I deserve, and that no good could come out of this. I know better than to ever feel regret. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel that way?

Apparently, this is all very normal, and common. It's frustrating, especially when there are no real answers. I could pester Trooper over and over about why, but the truth is, he never set out to hurt me, or himself, so he probably doesn't really have an answer. I can't ask God why he brought someone into my life, only to take him away. Eventually, I might come to some sort of my own understanding, but there won't ever be a firm answer.

And that makes me angry.

I think the only thing that will make this go away is time - and acceptance. I spoke with a counselor (SN: I think everyone should have a counselor) who suggested that I might need to create my own closure. I may never get a firm answer - but I have enough information to piece one together for myself. True or not, it will help me to close the door on the relationship, and put my anger behind me.

Ironically, I've also found a lot of comfort in praying and God. That's ironic because until I met Trooper, God really wasn't a part of my life. So Trooper coming into my life brought something that would become my greatest source of comfort after he left.

Life is strange, I guess.

Taking the sadness, and anger, and handing it over to God and saying, "I know You have a plan; I'll just trust that, because I can't fix this on my own," is quite a relief.

I take some comfort in knowing that anger is normal, and temporary. I definitely would not want to live in anger forever.

Breakup stage - denial

"Denial - not just a river in Egypt." Attributed to Mark Twain

Even if you don't know the stages of grief, I think everyone is familiar with denial. You shut down; go numb; basically, you just stop. There's no way this is happening; obviously, there's some sort of mistake.

Denial is a defense mechanism, meant to help us survive the loss. It shouldn't be confused with not caring. It's just our mind's way of protecting us from the intense pain we are feeling.

At first I thought I must have skipped the denial stage in this breakup. I mean - I never found myself just flat-out ignoring that it had happened. But I learned that denial isn't always an overt...well, denial....of the facts. It's also about shock and numbness - basically, your mind doesn't let you process the severity of your pain. It can be helpful to people who have to deal with a task (for example, making funeral arrangements for a loved one). When your mind is ready, denial lifts, and you're hit with the full force of the pain.

I didn't skip it. I went into denial mode as soon as Trooper said what he had to say. I used it to muster the strength to drive to a friends house a couple hours a way, and help her with a move. Once I layed down to sleep, the whole thing hit me - and that was the end of my denial.

But in those moments immediately following, my brain shut down and I was able to focus long enough to get to a friend who could help me - even if it was by needing my help.

Denial is healthy; as long as it doesn't last. It serves a purpose, and helps us do what we need to do to survive. But like with anything - and especially these stages - it should give way to the next.

Five stages of breakup grief

"You're grieving; it's a process," my friend said to me last week.

Out of curiosity, I googled the five stages of grieving for relationships. I found several articles, all agreeing that after a breakup, you go through the following in one order or another:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

My friend says he thinks acceptance is the hardest, because it means finally admitting that the relationship is over. During the other stages, you're dealing with your own feelings - or not dealing, as the case may be.

I've flirted with acceptance on this breakup. I'm not totally there yet, but I am closer. Along the way I've gotten to know the other stages quite well. It occurred to me that knowing what to expect was helpful. Being able to identify the feelings and assign them a label helped me manage my way through.

It was also a helpful reminder that each stage is temporary, and that if you just hold on, acceptance is on its way.