Age matters

I prefer dating older guys. I've tried dating younger, and it never works (Remember Gardner?!). Of course there's an exception to every rule. It obviously comes down to a man's personality and character, but in general...age definitely matters.

I like the fact that older men are usually pretty confident. They don't have the same hang-ups and insecurities I often see in younger guys. I also like that most older guys are more secure. I'm nearly 40 (sigh) so a lot of the guys I date are late forties or even fifty. These are generally not guys still moving from job to job, trying to decide what they want to do. Another big plus is that men this age are not looking to have kids, and if they have kids, they are almost always older.

Most men that age are settled - in their career, family, and home. They have a certain amount of security, which translates into confidence. They know what they want, and how to get it. They also are often very chivalrous, and treat me in a way I don't find with younger guys. Thirty-five year-olds don't know they should walk on the outside of the sidewalk.

I know most of my friends feel differently. They find older guys to be dull or too set in their ways. Some women I know just don't like the idea that they are "old enough" to date a guy of a certain age. It makes them feel older.

I'd be lying if I said there aren't some drawbacks to older men. They tend to think they know everything - and certainly more than me, given my age. They often have an old-fashioned view of relationships - men are the head of a household, women should do the cooking, etc. Younger guys are certainly less attached to traditional gender roles, and more open-minded and flexible.

Older men are sometimes so set in their ways that forming a solid relationship is tough, if not impossible. They've often been single for so long, being a part of a couple is totally foreign.

That's when it comes back to individual personality and character. What a person wants, how he treats me and others, his goals and beliefs and sense of humor are all more important than his age.

Maybe I need someone right in the middle?

Cradle jumpers

In an effort to find more trouble blog material, I restored my OK Cupid profile last week. I'd hidden it over the summer after meeting Sparrow, and honestly forgot all about it after I started dating again. But Plenty of Fish has been getting me into nothing but trouble and heartache lately, and Match is full of men who want a housewife and mom-to-be - so I figured what could this hurt?

If you've never used it, OK Cupid is a very interactive site. The home page is set up like a newsfeed, with the latest activity for all users. Users are invited to comment (which shows up in the form of a private message) on new photos, answers to profile questions, etc. The site (and phone app) notify you of every visitor, and give you an extra heads-up if a visitor is a particularly good match. The site is bright, with a pastel logo, and questions and profile set up that read like a Facebook quiz.

You can probably imagine the demographic OK Cupid seems to attract - young, and very attached to the online world. It's not really surprising, then, that within ten minutes of restoring my profile, I had emails from a 28 year old, a 22 year old - and a guy who lives 3,000 miles away.

Not exactly what I was going for...but the site wasn't done yet.

A couple days later, I got an email from a guy who is 19 years old. Nineteen!! I could have children that age. I actually had step children who are older. To put it in perspective, a few days before I got an email on Match from a guy closer to my age - who is old enough to be this person's grandfather.

Nineteen is too young even by the acceptable cougar standards.

But I couldn't resist - especially after prompting from a favorite tweep. I responded, "Our age difference is really too much for me. Any chance your dad is single?"

No response. I assumed he was probably irritated by my question, or hadn't fully grasped my age when he sent the first email. Then - he emailed back. Said my profile seemed cool and fun, and I was very pretty, so he wanted to talk to me.

Aw. That's sweet. He's 19!!

I didn't want to talk to him. There's nothing romantic or sexual about a man young enough to be my son. All I can think about are my friends who are moms, and how they would feel if their teenage (Teenage!) son was flirting with a peer.

Plus, a friend mentioned something I hadn't considered - what if he's not really 19? What if he's really 17 - or 16? Now we've blown right past the point of impropriety and directly to illegal.

I went back in to block his profile - which I found had been deleted.

I guess someone else decided jumping out of the cradle wasn't a good idea.

A story for the ages - Continued

Continued from here....

I'd already ignored several texts, but the "come see me, we'll make out" got under my skin.

Me: I'm not going to come see you. I cancelled our date. Take care.

Him: Do you think I'm ugly?

Me: Do NOT text me again.

Him: U think I'm ugly :(

Him: Whats your email?

Me: You're freaking me out with all these texts. Think we just need to not talk anymore.

Him: Ur just not being honest I dont believe that age difference sh*t

Him: U didnt like my pics

Me: I'm always honest. At first, it was the age difference. Now, it's the incessant texting. Which, by the way, proves that the age difference would be a problem.

Me: As does the fact that you think I select who to keep in my life based on their looks. That's immaturity. You should stick with girls your own age.

Him: So its better to shut someone out because they actually try to talk to u instead of ignore u?

Me: In a case like this, where I already told you how I feel - yes.

Him: U said you didn't wanna date u didnt say you didnt wanna talk or chill

Me: You asked if I wanted to make out, then asked if I think you're ugly. I'm 38 - not wanting to date means not making out. And ugly or not isn't an issue.

Him: Ur too serious lighten up

Me: Well, there ya go. I'm too old for you.

Him: Just some advice, you wont get anywhere with guys with ur attitude

Me: Thanks for the insight.

.....and the texts continued until Engineer (thank goodness for him) was able to tell me how to block them from my phone, which has been blissfully quiet since.

Looking back - I shouldn't have even talked to him. Where possible, I've set privacy settings on the dating sites to prevent people from contacting me unless they meet a certain age criteria. Where not possible - I guess I'll just have to be more careful.

A story for the ages

So, I told you I knew that even if I don't meet the love of my life this time around, I figured I'd at least meet some people, and go on a few dates.

Of course, that means blog fodder. I know you've been wanting to hear the stories....so here's one for the ages.

About a week (maybe less) of being online, I met a guy we'll call Artist - because that's what he fancies himself. He emailed me (which almost never happens), and was good looking, and actually seemed rather nice. The catch? He was seven years younger, and that's well below my normal, allowable age difference.

But like I said - he seemed cool. We chatted a bit, and eventually exchanged phone numbers so we could text. I wasn't flirty, because I truly wasn't sure if I could ever see a future with a guy that much younger. I was trying not to lead him on.

About a week later, he really started bugging me about meeting in person. I agreed - and immediately had regrets. I thought about it over night and realized that no matter what, I just couldn't get past the age difference. This was totally about me. I felt like dating a guy that much younger could potentially mean we would grow apart, and I also knew I'd always be worried that he'd leave me for someone younger/prettier/thinner/all of the above.

I cancelled our date, and was completely honest about why. Told him I didn't want to lead him on, and felt that keeping the date would do just that. Told him that I talked to him in the first place because he seemed cool, and I was attracted to him, and I thought maybe I could get past the age difference - but I realized I couldn't, and didn't want to pursue anything more.

He did not believe me. Or hear me, it seems.

At first he tried to convince me he was really mature for his age, and that I shouldn't let a "small difference" get in the way. You only live once! he said. I repeated my concerns - and he said,

Thanks for ruining my day.

Then he posted a facebook status (I've since unfriended him), saying,

Looking to meet some new people. All the old ones suck.

Well that seemed uncalled for. 

He texted me again:

Come meet me. I'm at the mall - we can make out.

No, I'm not kidding.

At this point, I was just irritated.

To be continued.....